Monthly Archives: May 2016

Screen Rant: “Captain America: Civil War”

2016-05-05-1462415681-9859308-captainamerica

Trying to bring another weekly segment for all you who just can’t get enough of Ed Lee’s stupid opinions in life. At one point in my life i actually wanted to go to school for Film but didn’t because I hate all those artsy hipster types and hated everyone in film school who took film and obviously casted themselves in a short film where there’s a scene with them in bed with a girl. Happens all the time. So I have no expertise in film, i just know i like being entertained, but this segment isn’t even necessarily a review on movies. Im not trying to be Roger Ebert here besides the fact that he loved Steak n’ Shake. Im here just to talk about a film weekly, in theaters or not, the way you and you’re friends talk about film. All this is, is a ranting about movies. This will contain spoilers. Enjoy.

Well here we are folks, we have officially entered Summer blockbuster season in the world of cinema and with Captain America Civil War being out, I took the time to go watch.  Overall grade, a solid 8.9. Its a banger of a marvel film/comic book film/action film. It’s got everything i need from some mild humor, believable action, star loaded cast etc. Now im not a comic book person but i have taken an interest in movies from the MCU and DCEU. I don’t quite want to be THAT person but Marvel and the MCU just takes a dump all over DCEU’s stuff. Batman v. Superman I wanted like so much. I told myself that everyone hated it so much that I was just going to force myself to love it, and while i did think some parts weren’t THAT bad, I’d over all just give that a 6.9 (ni.ce) maybe a 7. If those DC nerds jump on your throat tell em to send em my way.

Now obviously if you haven’t gotten the memo, Captain America: Civil War is based on the comic book cross over of Marvel: Civil War. When the 1st trailer came around i decided i wanted to delve into this shit and i read Civil war and im gonna be honest. I could care less about the differences between the two. If anyone follows that @GeeksandCleats chick, along with the other assortment of people who want to slam on the MCU, on twitter you’ll hear her rambling saying “If they’re gonna do civil war, it should be CIVIL WAR!” That type of thinking is just dumb. Their argument is directed to the now famous airport scene in this movie where both sides line up and charge head to head where it should look like a comics splash page like this:wallpaper-civil-war-face-off-the-marvel-comic-wallpapers-wallpaper-310487

VS

_1457647171

Yea don’t get me wrong, I get that there’s a huge difference, but the simple fact of the matter is they don’t have the rights to most of those characters and since the MCU at this point is one on going series, do these idiots on twitter REALLY think it would be reasonable to out of no where add like 500 different comic book heros? fucking no. The movie industry is a business in the end and one that’s keeping the comic book industry alive probably. You think i give 2 shits to READ about Tony Stark and Steve Rodgers being mad at each other over 20 different comics? No. Throw it in an action packed movie in an air conditioned theater with reclining seats however, and all of a sudden i decided to actually read some of the comics (illegal download so they don’t see any of that money but tevs.) But after reading the comics, that version kinda stinks. Captain America just gives up all of a sudden because he realizes he was gonna murder the shit out of Iron Man when the world likes Iron Man because he was a face they could trust because he was willing to give into the demands of the people. All in all movies holds up and entertains way more than the comics. I give it a solid 8. Now onto things that no one else is talking about in the movie….

Women Were The Cause Of This Mess.

Women, I tell ya. Can’t live with em, can’t live with out em. Now did Captain America and Tony Stark have a budding rivalry since they met in the Avengers? Yes. But lets turn to the each sides respective captains and the booty that blinds them. First we got Captain and his legacy of Carter women he wants to run through.MmtsLrY

Listen not all of us are bona fide studs growing up. Some kids are a bit nerdy, maybe too dumb or what have you. Steve Rodgers was a a tiny little shrimp who wear his own weight in clothing. 5’4″ 95 pounds of nothing but heart is respectable but that alone didn’t get you laid in the 1940’s. They wanted soldiers with guns, muscles, and big dicks. No chance a woman besides his mother ever gave Steve any attention. Next thing you know he’s in Camp Lehigh with a Agent Carter batting eye lashes at you with sexual red lipstick eye fucking your scrawny ass. Those moments in life when you think you first get the change to get your dick wet are memorable ones. And you know who else makes a memorable moment? The one that got away. You know you were one move away from taking down your white whale. Like you’re one corner away from finding the elusive snow leopard. Those moments in life were taken by Peggy Carter. That chick lives on a pedestal in Cap’s mind and if it wasn’t for the fact that her bones were about as fragile as paper thin glass, he would fuck her nearly dead lifeless body as long as she could still breathe with or with out a life support system. She’s that impressionable in his mind and probably even more since that super soldier serum multiplies things. So he already has a compound affect of being booty blinded by just one girl.

Couple decades later after spending time frozen in snow with no pussy to show for it, this hot young blonde moves in next door and finds out shes actually a sleeper agent set up to spy on you so you know shes seen his whole super soldier deal. She wants it. You know it, she knows it, the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe knows it. So when life takes away the one pussy you’ve wanted your entire 98 years of existence and you find out the girl next door who is dtf and related to the same chick from the 40s. You have to fuck her no matter the games she plays. It’s like 3 movie chick cliches, The first love, the one that got away, and the girl next door wrapped into one hot blonde, you gotta do what you can to nail that chick even if it means letting her influence your decision that can risk the lives of every single person on earth and can mean your immediate detainment.

We all know where ever Steve goes Falcon goes with. Literally need to convince one person to sign the treaty and The Avengers can be whole again, fighting crime with the world behind them because the people have a say in what the people want when it comes to letting superheros entering your land and turning it into an active war zone, but no, it couldn’t be that simple all because of Sharon Carter and her stupid eulogy and antiquated quote from her grandma who, at the time, had to fight for woman’s rights in the world in a completely different era that operates different from our modern times. Even in Winter Soldier Peggy admits the world has changed and that they should start over with things. But that’s what happens when you’re booty blinded man. You try to do what ever it you can to get that booty, the only difference is for any regular man it doesn’t mean tearing apart a team that’s been used to save the world from eminent death.

Gwyneth-Paltrow-fully-nude

(I don’t know what this is from or if its just photo-shopped but whatever)

The Carter women aren’t the only one fucking with men and the lively hood of billions who need saving in times of chaos. Fucking Pepper Potts takes some blame here too. So spoiler alert, you find out that her and Tony are on a little break because she can’t handle Tony’s hobby/career. Listen its one thing if you’re boyfriend is a drug addict and just can’t drop the habit of using, another thing if your boo is some war criminal murdering millions. But Pepper Potts is literally asking her man to stop creating technology that can change the human life for the better as well as stop fighting not just petty crimes, but crimes and danger that can risk the end of the world. Everyone knows you need a smart guy in your crew and when the stakes are that high risking millions of lives, he needs to be a genius and Pepper is literally trying to take that away from the Avengers. Thor is a Norse god and a sexual Adonis but all he knows to do is hit things with a hammer, he ain’t gonna lead the crew out of sticky situations. Sure Black Widow and Bruce Banner can figure their way around the computer but one is a devious bitch who you can still shoot in the face and the other is lost at sea and according to the next Thor movie, will be in another planet in a different galaxy so that wont help either. One would think a fortunate girl like Pepper would appreciate Tony for giving her a job title that made her a coffee fetcher into the worlds most successful and powerful woman. A little confidence and support in her man would kinda be appreciated, Pepper, but instead she’s gonna make you work less hours and tear apart The Avengers. Women I tell ya. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Movie Technology That Needs To Be Real:  The Self Cooking Hot Dog

summergrill

So in Stark’s introduction into the movie, it shows Stark showing off some pretty cool and stylish binary augmented retro-framing sunglasses that apparently hijacks the hippocampus region of the brain to clear traumatic memories in people, we come across a little gem of a technology that the real world needs to invent, and that’s the self cooking hot dog. Now when the dean or principle brings up inventing this type of technology he mentions loading up a hot dog with some sort of chemical detonator but then was rudely cut off from explaining how this genius idea would work. Listen hot dogs are the type of food you don’t want to think about, just eat. Sure in the back of your mind you know its probably made from a pigs asshole and meat sections they would probably feed to zoo animals but you don’t care because it’s delicious. Knowing that, you’re probably okay with eating a little chemical detonator if it means a nice toasty brat ready to eat merely seconds after pulling it from the fridge. No one wants the hassle of turning on a grill or boiling a pot of water just to make a hot dog. Instead, I picture it being like one of those hot emergency hand warmers or like cracking a glow stick to make it glow. I’m sure there’s some science out there that can make it happen and once its found its a million dollar idea. Someone tell Hillshire or Kraft to get this idea to their R&D department asap.

Bonus Round Hot Take: Is Ant-man a member of ISIS or any other terrorist group?

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 1.02.27 PM

San Quentin State Prison is a maximum security prison right? Probably a couple or lower level terrorist in there roped up in the same section as Scott Lang. After spending a couple months locked away from the free society I wouldn’t be surprised is Lang converted to radical Islam and got told to carry out orders to destroy those Jesus loving Avengers in the name of Allah even if it means self sacrifice. Doesn’t once think about his family or the legacy he leaves behind before his sarcastic happy going ass decides to turn into Giant Man. Just a reckless move all around. Hydra might’ve been the problems of the 1940’s to 2015 but all that finally got put to end after Sokovia. The next threat on humanity in 2016 is ISIS and I’m not so sure Ant Man isn’t one of them. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 7.26.46 PM

.

.

.

After After Credit Bonus: Peggy Carter/ Hayley Atwell has BOMBS28faa3a9f9066ee978d1033da8c04050 a4e875798556ae25862cd076b5696a05 maxresdefault Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 7.43.25 PM tumblr_nl2i6fttEK1qaho1po3_250 tumblr_ntao8rZGSw1s6qwwxo1_540

 

 

 

Things Are Getting Weird Where I Live. Gators Found Eating A Corpse

A gruesome drama played out on the edge of the Everglades Monday night, as police tried to recover a human body being eaten by two alligators. Two fishermen called the police after encountering the scene in a canal west of U.S. 27 in the town of Southwest Ranches in western Broward County. The cause of death was not immediately known, and the police said the body appeared to have been in the water for a long time. Officers from the Davie Police Department, which patrols Southwest Ranches, arrived and attempted to scare off the alligators, said Davie Police Capt. Dale Engle. Although the animals retreated, he said, they lingered nearby. A dive team was called in, as officers armed with AR-15 rifles stood ready to shoot any approaching alligators. An alligator trapper from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission was sent to the scene. By 10 p.m. they had recovered the body.

Sun Sentinal– A gruesome drama played out on the edge of the Everglades Monday night, as police tried to recover a human body being eaten by two alligators.
Two fishermen called the police after encountering the scene in a canal west of U.S. 27 in the town of Southwest Ranches in western Broward County. The cause of death was not immediately known, and the police said the body appeared to have been in the water for a long time.
Officers from the Davie Police Department, which patrols Southwest Ranches, arrived and attempted to scare off the alligators, said Davie Police Capt. Dale Engle. Although the animals retreated, he said, they lingered nearby.
A dive team was called in, as officers armed with AR-15 rifles stood ready to shoot any approaching alligators. An alligator trapper from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission was sent to the scene. By 10 p.m. they had recovered the body.

For 20 years I’ve lived here I’m honestly shocked there’s not more obscure death murders or weird shit going on in these neck of the woods. I mean don’t get me wrong every now and then this place gets some sort of thing that spreads through the neighborhoods. When I first moved here it was that it was built on top of an Indian Burial Ground so ghost and spirits would come up and swallow our souls or something. Believable when its quiet in the dead of night and a random horse or cow makes loud noises when it should be asleep. A few years after that story came, there was a story of a murder where the father in law blew the head off of his girls husband. After that though, nothing. I mean we’re talking about a place with multi millionaire old guys with loads of gated private land and away from the busy public. Its perfect area for weird crimes. I need more stories like this coming up so I can go poking my noise into the dark corners of Southwest Ranches that some people aren’t willing to look. I mean yea this could be some canal fisherman who fucked up and slipped into bog water infested with gators, but I’d like to think it was crime related that leads to some seedy dark underground cult ring. Guess a guy can dream but since nothing’s confirmed about the dead guy then I’m gonna assume the latter. Sure it seems nice here, but in reality, you’re in Carcosa now.

tumblr_n39qporylx1r7ye39o1_500

The Scripps National Spelling Ending In A Tie Is One Of The Worlds Greatest Travesty

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 11.38.43 PM

Hands down a top 5 sporting event of the year. Kids that are no more than like 13 years old living and dying with each letter trying to spell a word that I’m not even sure is a real word. Its electric and i need more of it in my life. The only problem is the past 3 years its come down to a tie. Last year had like a fly ass Indian dude in Jordan’s tying with the cuntiest Indian speller chick ive ever seen Just rattling off letters and getting them right every time. I didn’t like that it came down to a tie but I grit my teeth and accept it. This year I couldn’t be more sour about it ending in a tie. It came down to two competitors in one of the most edge of your seat spelling performances you’d ever see, I give you Jairam Hathwar and Nihar Janga.

CjbFJShXAAAjgdC

Who we have here is Jairam Hathwar. Comes from a family of spellers. His brother was the Co-champion in 2014 and. He’s a number 1 draft pick when it came to big league spelling. He’s just got that pedigree that you just knew he’d rattle off the letters needed in a complex word break down. And yet on the other hand we had Nihar Janga.

CjbIpgRWEAAzP99

When you see and hear this kid speak theres only one person that pops into my mind and that person is draft day Tom Brady. c86a0285763628f4f09312b48bf7f0d2_crop_exact

I mean that’s the Indian Tom Brady. Kinda looks like a dope with no previous spelling back ground history. You here him speak and he sounds a bit slow kinda just mumbling words but next thing you know you blink and its round 20 of 25 in the world championship and he’s playing for the Superbowl title. It’s not that he knew how to spell the words, He knew their definition. At some point i honestly wondered if it was possible that this little kid could’ve some how been the one to invent the words because be was just putting on a spelling clinic. He had it all. Showmanship, knowledge, balls, grit. When it came down to the final two, it should’ve been a run away performance from Nihar. I mean the kid just knew when Jairam fucked up. May-28-2016 13-34-12

Ultra vicious with the head shake. Like the Dikembe Mutombo No No No! Finger wave but no comedic affect what so ever, just pure embarrassment on a stage in front of judges and on national television. Nihar took the next one and was one letter away from winning it all and im almost certain he threw the spellling at the very end just to keep the competition going. I was shocked. Literally gasped out loud when he missed the word. and with the rounds winding down we got to a tie and im even more convinced that Nihar just wanted to shame Jairam in every single way possible even through the celebration rounds. The whole world watching knew Nihar blew away the competition but that just wasnt enough for Nihar. I mean Jairam might die of embarrassment. I mean first of all you get left hanging on stage with your stupid hand claps while Nihar was throwing up a chest thump to Dez Bryant X.

May-28-2016 13-35-02

 

The he far and away takes that trophy and barely lets you sniff the thing and im pretty sure he told him to get the fuck off his trophy.May-28-2016 13-36-09

And here he was lapping up the celebration getting lifted by the fam because he was far and away the greatest to ever spit letters on the biggest stage in Spelling Bees.

May-28-2016 13-36-33

 

Panthers Trade Gudbranson To Vancouver

084f6566c9eb8fbe835315af34da5e04

I slept for 4 hours last night because i stayed up with a buddy drinking. I had to work tonight. My brain isnt working. I can’t process this. I have to watch Peter Deboer, Jonas Donskoi, and Scotty upshall play in the WCF. Bigger write up on this tomorrow but for now just eat ice cream or something and dont think about the fact that we might be missing 3 of 4 of our top 2 pairs going into next season. (We still have Ekblad though and if we had to part ways with him, id kidnap the entire front office myself.)

Bully Gets Rocked And Gets Tossed Into A Textbook Perfect Arm bar

 

Smh. Kids these days not learning. Trying to pick a random ass fight even though theres a 50/50 chance you will get your ass beat and put online for the world to see. Well youngster better have learned quick. I mean this wasn’t even a fight if we’re being honest. It was more of one of those military sparring training’s on how to take out a guy trying to murder you so you gotta murder him back. It was just his ass getting taken to school inside of the school. Its school-ception. Throw up the dukes and next thing you know before you can take a breath you get a hard right and before you’re brain can recover you get a left foot to the temple, get your ass rag dolled to the ground getting fist rained down on you and you only made it worse by trying to get up cause next thing you know you’re locked in an arm bar with your joints being stretched until the your arm can fold backwards. There really was no answer to any of that because that kid who won, for all I know, is about as versed in fighting as a military personnel with those moves. So just don’t go picking fights, or if you do, know that it will end up online so you better put your best foot forward and try not to look like a complete asshole for starting a fight and end up tapping out. Also, in 10 years their spines are gonna be fucked from wearing a backpacks that hang below their knees. Everyone loses.

For real though, that arm bar move was so legit.

Yesterday Social Media Wanted Captain America To Be Gay And Now He’s Apparently Been Apart Of Hydra All Along

When a hashtag campaign to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend caught fire on Twitter this week, a common refrain echoed across the Internet aiming for the ears of Disney execs: Give the Marvel superhero a man to love… because he pretty much already has one. When it comes to Captain America’s heart, everyone knows that ticker bleeds red, white, and blue, and that it belongs to one person. No, not Peggy Carter or her beautiful young niece, but Bucky Barnes, Cap’s long-lost bestie. Just about no one was really rooting for Steve Rogers and Sharon Carter to hook up in Captain America: Civil War—especially when he planted that shoehorned-in kiss on her so soon, too soon, after Peggy’s death. The better partner has been firmly entrenched in Cap’s heart since 1945.

DailyBeast- When a hashtag campaign to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend caught fire on Twitter this week, a common refrain echoed across the Internet aiming for the ears of Disney execs: Give the Marvel superhero a man to love… because he pretty much already has one.
When it comes to Captain America’s heart, everyone knows that ticker bleeds red, white, and blue, and that it belongs to one person. No, not Peggy Carter or her beautiful young niece, but Bucky Barnes, Cap’s long-lost bestie. Just about no one was really rooting for Steve Rogers and Sharon Carter to hook up in Captain America: Civil War—especially when he planted that shoehorned-in kiss on her so soon, too soon, after Peggy’s death. The better partner has been firmly entrenched in Cap’s heart since 1945.

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 9.02.30 AM

t’s All-New, All-Different Marvel! It’s the All-New, All-Different adventures of Steve Rogers, back in action today as Captain America! And Steve has an All-New, All-Different gimmick to his history that will change the Marvel Universe forever... if by forever you mean a few months or so, although you wouldn’t know it by the way everyone is freaking out. So what’s the twist, you may ask? It’s not Cap’s shiny new shield, which has a fancy laser cutter on it to make up for the fact that Sam Wilson is still running around with the old Captain America shield. No, it’s a twist that, in all honestly you may have already brazenly read on the front pages of Time, or Entertainment Weekly, or the AP (because screw courtesy, right?), but yes, SHOCKING NEWS: Steven Rogers has secretly been a Hydra Agent all along!

io9– it’s All-New, All-Different Marvel! It’s the All-New, All-Different adventures of Steve Rogers, back in action today as Captain America! And Steve has an All-New, All-Different gimmick to his history that will change the Marvel Universe forever… if by forever you mean a few months or so, although you wouldn’t know it by the way everyone is freaking out.
So what’s the twist, you may ask? It’s not Cap’s shiny new shield, which has a fancy laser cutter on it to make up for the fact that Sam Wilson is still running around with the old Captain America shield. No, it’s a twist that, in all honestly you may have already brazenly read on the front pages of Time, or Entertainment Weekly, or the AP (because screw courtesy, right?), but yes, SHOCKING NEWS: Steven Rogers has secretly been a Hydra Agent all along!

What a whirlwind of a past 24 hours its been for the First Avenger. Here your character lies after breaking apart the team built to save the world from eminent danger, hiding out in a secluded African nation cryofreezing your long lost friend who’s also a weapon for a terrorist super group. After a long day like that you’d think you’d want a nice vacation for a couple weeks just to get away and relax but next thing you know the world is petitioning you to be gay and you find out you secretly been a hydra agent all along. In 24 hours you’ve pretty much joined the opposite side of your life tenants. Cap was born in the 20’s basically every man’s dream at the time was to go to war just so they can come home and get picked up from the docks so they can unload sperm into women, the baby boom. That was just the times back then. And then on top of that you’ve spent you’re entire life fighting the Nazi deep science division and now guess what, you’re one of them. Cut off one head, two more shall takes its place. Makes room for what ever gay pal you want to bring along I guess. Hope they somehow work this into Infinity Wars with Cap and Bucky trying to get Falcon to assassinate Dr Strange or something giving him deep stares of wanting to try black dudes or something. Lets get weird.

Apparently You Have To Look Like A God Damn Fool In Order To Make Your Cat Love You

Business Insider- For cats, grooming by licking each other is an integral part of social bonding. As much as some cat owners might want to take part of that ritual, they won't be successful without a handful of cat fur stuck in their teeth. A Kickstarter campaign, LICKI Brush, launched a product which enables its users to lick and groom their cat as much as they want.

Business Insider– For cats, grooming by licking each other is an integral part of social bonding. As much as some cat owners might want to take part of that ritual, they won’t be successful without a handful of cat fur stuck in their teeth. A Kickstarter campaign, LICKI Brush, launched a product which enables its users to lick and groom their cat as much as they want.

This guy in this demonstration video is like staring at the most pathetic thing on earth. Hey @cats, if you think I’m gonna bite down on some mouth guard, ribbed fake tongue that i thought was a sex toy at first, thing and pretend to lick you in order for you to love me even though I have to look after your over all well being by feeding you and shit and paying for you, you can go to hell. If you think this is normal, you’re delusional. Dogs lick them selves too, yet here we are operating independently as two different species not trying to lick one another with some fake tongue thing. But the part that just makes cats so much worse isn’t that dogs just love people naturally, its that if my dog asked me to lick him with this fake rubber tongue, id do it. Cause i love him and i know he loves me. This cat on the other hand is just fleeting love. Once you realize you’re pathetic and toss that thing in the trash then you can bet your ass your cats gonna go back to expecting food and waiting for the day you drop dead. That’s the difference.