Tag Archives: Screen Rant

Screen Rant: The Accountant **Spoilers**

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Boom fresh out of the theaters and still in my brain is a screen rant of this weekend’s highest grossing film, The Accountant. Ben Affleck has had an interesting journey at this point. Been through the highs and lows of Hollywood and might be Tinsel town’s most typical Hollywood actor. Won awards a pair of Oscars, made shit movies like Gigli and Daredevil, been in major blockbusters like Pearl Harbor, evolved into a director and made awesome movies like The Town. Dated actresses and cheated on them with nanny’s. Well now he comes with the movie The Accountant, an action thriller about an idiot savant accountant that handles the money situation for the mob and ends up being a military trained hand to hand combat fighter with a weapon’s cache fit for a small militia including a minigun as his personal home security system and a Barrett 50 cal rifle. Oh yea and someone’s out to kill him because he found out a person a robot company was slowly stealing away like 60+ million dollars.

I’m not gonna pretend to be non-biased here. I’m an Affleck guy. The Town’s one of my favorite go to watches of all time. It’s a modern day Heat. The Accountant off the top of my head i give it a decent solid 7. I don’t need a Daniel Day Lewis magnificent performance or a story written like a Charlie Kaufman film and i don’t really think this movie pretends to be that exactly. I would describe it as an intense version of Jack Reacher mixed with Drive. Action all around with a story trying to have twist and teases, but tries to have funny moments? I didn’t laugh through any of it but I had a decent time watching it. Certain things were predictable but then again was it at all predictable considering no one would expect a person with autism have a kill count and can bench 200lbs. So yea, not the best, but certainly not the worst and I would pay 10 bucks anytime to watch Affleck do some hardcore karate and shoot people any day of the week.

DON’T EVER GIVE CHRISTIAN WOLFF BLUE BALLS

Listen all you playboys and Lothario’s out there. Not all of us are slinging the pipe every second. I’m not saying I don’t try to wet the beak a little from time to time, and I don’t know if strong muscular autistic people get sexual desires but we’re all human and some times after some long talk and hands roaming, if it leads to nothing, you get blue balls. Too much blood rushing to the penis or something. It’s uncomfortable. And sure I can just get it off my mind off it, take a cold shower or even walk it off. Christian Wolff can’t. Something in the chemistry in his brain just sends him into a manic state if he just can’t finish. We all saw it pretty much, him balls deep in numbers on the board fucking those accounting numbers every which way possible. Next thing you know, boom. Some janitor washed away his puzzle piece/metaphorical orgasm and next thing you know he cant get his car parked just right and then he starts clubbing the shit out of his leg (which i didn’t understand from the beginning). Don’t think that was the short term affect either. I mean the company scrubbed his work, he put a bullet in the CEO’s dome. Don’t even try to keep Wolff away from finishing or else it’ll be your death.

DON’T BABY YOUR KIDS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY

Millennials and baby millennials these days. We’ve all scoffed at those parents who think their kid shouldn’t play in the sand like us common kids. We all know rubbing Purell sure kills germs but we also always fight back with “It’s killing the good germs too!” Well that’s like a microcosm for what this movie is trying to say here. Just cause your son’s autistic doesn’t mean you should keep him locked in his room playing with a picture puzzle. I’m not trying to pretend to be a doctor, here. If your kid’s entire body is septic yea MAYBE keep him locked up like the bubble boy. But other than that, let your autistic kid roll in the sand and build up those tolerances to germs and shit. Maybe get them to fight a trained martial arts instructor until their cut and bleeding and almost beaten to a pulp too. Just a little advice if you want your nerd savant to be a total bad ass too.

IMDB COMMENTERS

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NEEERRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD. Congrats SunFlowerFortunato, you overpaid to attend business school so you can work at a big accounting firm where you WILL contemplate suicide. Seriously name a douchier thread on IMDB, you can’t.

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See this is one of those reasons why I don’t know if you can say it was predictable or not. Like sure in compliance to the movie i could see where you’re logically piecing things together in accordance to the story, i could see it coming. But then remove yourself a little bit and you can’t honestly think at all a person with autism can become some super soldier and another who can hack into world computers and shit. Banana’s stuff but that’s why you should just see the movie. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-23-15-pm

This feels mean but I don’t believe this guy actually has Asperger’s Syndrome enough to comment on a movie but not just google really fast if this movie has anything to do with autism.screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-23-03-pm

This is probably true and the downfall of Lamar Blackburn’s character. Why the fuck would you hand over your whole operation to a living breathing super computer who’s out to look for mistakes in your book keeping when you can just write a check to a bunch of Ivy League schools who have to stay in a cubicle and trying to skate by with out working. His own downfall. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-22-53-pm

Bro its an accountant who cooks the books for the mob. Yea if you took Lau from The Dark Knight and made a movie about him it would only be mildly interesting, but in this case he’s Batman also. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-22-41-pm

Christian Wolff should’ve been an Autistic, Gay, Muscular, Hand to Hand Combat fighter Accountant. It sounds like a mess of a character but it already sounded preposterous with out the gay part so including it might’ve just skated by in the shadows of all his other character.screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-21-42-pm

Big win for the nerds and the people with autism. This one’s for you guys and for Messi and Datsyuk, we know you guys are sneaky autistic. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-20-54-pm

He doesn’t need an excel spreadsheet because he IS an excel spreadsheet. Plus if he didn’t write on walls, how else would you recognize his genius. Only genius write on windows. Fact

 

Screen Rant: X-Men Apocalypse

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Here we go. Summer time movie season is one of my favorites. Don’t need to pretend to be intellectual when going to the movies because everyone knows summer is for blockbuster movies where things blow up. Last time I gave you Captain America: Civil War, this week its another Marvel comic book movie X-men Apocalypse. All in all a decent flick. I’m not looking for anything smart or overly complicated. Just wanted a world ending scenario that gets solved in like 30 minutes via a battle scene. Civil War was better of the summer comic book flicks by far but I give X Men Apocalypse a solid 7.5/10. Of the rebooted X men series, I thought this one was the 2nd best. Days of Future Past comes in at 1 and First Class at the bottom because its the cheesiest and if it wasn’t for the fact that I enjoy fantasizing about Rose Byrne, First Class is steps below DoFP.

Now we all know the main plot of premise of Apocalypse right? Apocalypse comes back to life because a couple of Egyptians bring him back and he’s dissatisfied with the world so he plans to wipe it out and do what with it? no idea really. Build it all in his image i guess? Maybe a harem of Egyptian mutants chicks to serve him? That’d be pretty cool. Well after the hearing about Magnetos family getting murked, Charles tries to find him but in the process Apocalypse senses the Professors telepathy powers and gets a super hard on for it so he snatches him wheel chair and all and its left to the team to go save him before Apocalypse wipes out all standing structures. Like I said. Simple, decent amount of action. It’s a 7.5. Now onto the random stuff.

Moses Was The World’s Second Most Powerful Mutant

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I mean this is a no brainer right? At least in the X-men universe now that they know that the whole 4 horseman of the apocalypse scenario was really a mutant than only a thousand years and a few steps later has to lead them to believe that Moses was won of them. Not only was he one of the world’s most powerful mutants but I bet he was suppose to take out Apocalypse in one of the most ultimate 1 on 1 battles right? Egyptian high Pharaoh mutant versus a lowly Israelite mutant. Now in a head to head battle I’m still pretty sure Apocalypse wins in a 7 game series but I wouldn’t exactly sleep on Moses either. Yea Apocalypse has the upper hand pure strength wise, the guy can manipulate his form, shape, density, etc. Telekinesis is obviously an upper hand and being able to manipulate things on a molecular level is pretty dope, but you gotta look at what Moses has done and know that it would go to a full 7 games.

En Sabah Nur has to cheat life by putting his mind in another mutant’s body so I’m just going to guess that Apocalypse has an average life expectancy of 80 years old. A decent amount of time to control so much power but Moses lived to 120 years on sheer will to try to find the promise land. Durability wise, that puts Moses as a clear advantage over Apocalypse. He’s like Jagr or Gordie Howe, playing and contributing way beyond the typical prime age. So we already have a durable fighter in Moses but he’s also powerful as fuck. Maybe a powerful telepath like Jean Grey could part a lake or something but Moses parted an entire fucking sea. The amount of mutant power one has to have to part and ocean long enough for your crew of Israelites to cross the ocean and then obliterate an entire army afterwards? Pretty hardcore shit. And then best of all are Moses and his ability to create the events of the Plague of Egypt. Manipulating elements such as water and turning it into blood? That’s definitely on par with anything that Apocalypse can do. His ability to control animals? That must be a bitch to deal with in combat. Sure he only sent frogs, lice, and locusts and shit that’s annoying more than anything but I’m pretty sure if they fought maybe somewhere down by the pacific he could manipulate sharks or something. That definitely kicks that ability up a notch. Thunder storms and hail? Hey Storm, you’re probably related to Moses. What else was there? Oh yea death of the first born. Thats the “I’m Not Fucking Around” Moses ability. He’ll just kill your kid. Lamb blood or no lamb blood, that mother fucker will fuck around and kill your baby just for fun. Does that have any real statistical effect on Apocalypse? No, but that’s just one of those intangibles you gotta look for in a fight. A guy who’s willing to go a little bit crazier than usual. Tyson bit off Holyfield’s ear, Moses will silently kill your kid in the dead of night. Id put my money on Moses.

Also going back for a second to the whole frogs locust and lice things…..

Jews And The Mutant Gene

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You know who else had the ability to control animals? Little Nina Gurzsky, Erik’s daughter. Now there are obviously parallels between mutants and Jews especially in Nazi Germany time. Things like in DoFP where they keep them in interment camps and stuff and First Class having a setting in Auschwitz with Erik as a kid learning to be Magneto. And sure its a small sample size of mostly of Moses, who I’m pretending is a Mutant, and Magneto but there has to be something about Jews and mutants. What exactly I don’t know but Moses, the Middle East, Egypt, Magneto and the fact that Erik’s daughter has abilities like Moses, there has to be some relation and if not they should make it one because it seems like Jewish Mutant are more special or more powerful than the others. The Chosen Ones Chosen One’s.

IMDB Commenters

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Jeez, Buzz Lightyear. Keep it in your pants. Now I know I’m suppose to assume Blights is a male but that doesn’t mean I have to assume his sexual orientation is heterosexual. Hey Cyclops, congrats on having a pair of DSLs bro.

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How is this question being asked? No one actually thinks this is a tricky match up do they? Hogwarts, as much as I grew up with them, ain’t shit. Voldemort ( yea I said his bitch ass name) has yet to do anything in the real world I think. So yea killing curses are cute and all but has he ever had cold steel pressed against his dome? I think not. One gun shot is all it takes and that’s probably the most pussy attack in x-men history. That being said, its Mutants in a land slide. Xavier taps into their brains and wipes out their memory, Tom Riddle wanders the earth getting made fun of for having no nose.

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Well Otterox, way to brag about having sex with the wife. A bit of a humble brag but that’s neither here nor there. First off it depends what you think makes a good film to make out too. Maybe you’re like Jerry Seinfeld and can get off while watching movies like Schindler’s List. Me personally I don’t wouldn’t want for sex to get in the way of a decent summer blockbuster. Nothing sexual about watching Erik Lehnsherr cry in anger watching his wife and daughter get murdered (Spoiler alert!). Maybe if the cast was a bit hotter? I know Buzz Lightyear up there can’t not picture Cyclops sucking a dick but aside from Olivia Munn in a total screen time of 5 minutes scattered here and there, there’s nothing sexy about the cast really. If you want to get your rocks off watching a grey/blue guy want to decimate the modern world then go for it but it wouldn’t be my cup of tea to get the mood going.

Alright well that wraps it up for the X-Men Apocalyspe screen rant. I still hold firmly that Moses was a powerful Mutant and don’t tell the Christians or Muslims otherwise. Anything I miss or have a movie suggestion? Leave a comment below.

Screen Rant: “Captain America: Civil War”

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Trying to bring another weekly segment for all you who just can’t get enough of Ed Lee’s stupid opinions in life. At one point in my life i actually wanted to go to school for Film but didn’t because I hate all those artsy hipster types and hated everyone in film school who took film and obviously casted themselves in a short film where there’s a scene with them in bed with a girl. Happens all the time. So I have no expertise in film, i just know i like being entertained, but this segment isn’t even necessarily a review on movies. Im not trying to be Roger Ebert here besides the fact that he loved Steak n’ Shake. Im here just to talk about a film weekly, in theaters or not, the way you and you’re friends talk about film. All this is, is a ranting about movies. This will contain spoilers. Enjoy.

Well here we are folks, we have officially entered Summer blockbuster season in the world of cinema and with Captain America Civil War being out, I took the time to go watch.  Overall grade, a solid 8.9. Its a banger of a marvel film/comic book film/action film. It’s got everything i need from some mild humor, believable action, star loaded cast etc. Now im not a comic book person but i have taken an interest in movies from the MCU and DCEU. I don’t quite want to be THAT person but Marvel and the MCU just takes a dump all over DCEU’s stuff. Batman v. Superman I wanted like so much. I told myself that everyone hated it so much that I was just going to force myself to love it, and while i did think some parts weren’t THAT bad, I’d over all just give that a 6.9 (ni.ce) maybe a 7. If those DC nerds jump on your throat tell em to send em my way.

Now obviously if you haven’t gotten the memo, Captain America: Civil War is based on the comic book cross over of Marvel: Civil War. When the 1st trailer came around i decided i wanted to delve into this shit and i read Civil war and im gonna be honest. I could care less about the differences between the two. If anyone follows that @GeeksandCleats chick, along with the other assortment of people who want to slam on the MCU, on twitter you’ll hear her rambling saying “If they’re gonna do civil war, it should be CIVIL WAR!” That type of thinking is just dumb. Their argument is directed to the now famous airport scene in this movie where both sides line up and charge head to head where it should look like a comics splash page like this:wallpaper-civil-war-face-off-the-marvel-comic-wallpapers-wallpaper-310487

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Yea don’t get me wrong, I get that there’s a huge difference, but the simple fact of the matter is they don’t have the rights to most of those characters and since the MCU at this point is one on going series, do these idiots on twitter REALLY think it would be reasonable to out of no where add like 500 different comic book heros? fucking no. The movie industry is a business in the end and one that’s keeping the comic book industry alive probably. You think i give 2 shits to READ about Tony Stark and Steve Rodgers being mad at each other over 20 different comics? No. Throw it in an action packed movie in an air conditioned theater with reclining seats however, and all of a sudden i decided to actually read some of the comics (illegal download so they don’t see any of that money but tevs.) But after reading the comics, that version kinda stinks. Captain America just gives up all of a sudden because he realizes he was gonna murder the shit out of Iron Man when the world likes Iron Man because he was a face they could trust because he was willing to give into the demands of the people. All in all movies holds up and entertains way more than the comics. I give it a solid 8. Now onto things that no one else is talking about in the movie….

Women Were The Cause Of This Mess.

Women, I tell ya. Can’t live with em, can’t live with out em. Now did Captain America and Tony Stark have a budding rivalry since they met in the Avengers? Yes. But lets turn to the each sides respective captains and the booty that blinds them. First we got Captain and his legacy of Carter women he wants to run through.MmtsLrY

Listen not all of us are bona fide studs growing up. Some kids are a bit nerdy, maybe too dumb or what have you. Steve Rodgers was a a tiny little shrimp who wear his own weight in clothing. 5’4″ 95 pounds of nothing but heart is respectable but that alone didn’t get you laid in the 1940’s. They wanted soldiers with guns, muscles, and big dicks. No chance a woman besides his mother ever gave Steve any attention. Next thing you know he’s in Camp Lehigh with a Agent Carter batting eye lashes at you with sexual red lipstick eye fucking your scrawny ass. Those moments in life when you think you first get the change to get your dick wet are memorable ones. And you know who else makes a memorable moment? The one that got away. You know you were one move away from taking down your white whale. Like you’re one corner away from finding the elusive snow leopard. Those moments in life were taken by Peggy Carter. That chick lives on a pedestal in Cap’s mind and if it wasn’t for the fact that her bones were about as fragile as paper thin glass, he would fuck her nearly dead lifeless body as long as she could still breathe with or with out a life support system. She’s that impressionable in his mind and probably even more since that super soldier serum multiplies things. So he already has a compound affect of being booty blinded by just one girl.

Couple decades later after spending time frozen in snow with no pussy to show for it, this hot young blonde moves in next door and finds out shes actually a sleeper agent set up to spy on you so you know shes seen his whole super soldier deal. She wants it. You know it, she knows it, the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe knows it. So when life takes away the one pussy you’ve wanted your entire 98 years of existence and you find out the girl next door who is dtf and related to the same chick from the 40s. You have to fuck her no matter the games she plays. It’s like 3 movie chick cliches, The first love, the one that got away, and the girl next door wrapped into one hot blonde, you gotta do what you can to nail that chick even if it means letting her influence your decision that can risk the lives of every single person on earth and can mean your immediate detainment.

We all know where ever Steve goes Falcon goes with. Literally need to convince one person to sign the treaty and The Avengers can be whole again, fighting crime with the world behind them because the people have a say in what the people want when it comes to letting superheros entering your land and turning it into an active war zone, but no, it couldn’t be that simple all because of Sharon Carter and her stupid eulogy and antiquated quote from her grandma who, at the time, had to fight for woman’s rights in the world in a completely different era that operates different from our modern times. Even in Winter Soldier Peggy admits the world has changed and that they should start over with things. But that’s what happens when you’re booty blinded man. You try to do what ever it you can to get that booty, the only difference is for any regular man it doesn’t mean tearing apart a team that’s been used to save the world from eminent death.

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(I don’t know what this is from or if its just photo-shopped but whatever)

The Carter women aren’t the only one fucking with men and the lively hood of billions who need saving in times of chaos. Fucking Pepper Potts takes some blame here too. So spoiler alert, you find out that her and Tony are on a little break because she can’t handle Tony’s hobby/career. Listen its one thing if you’re boyfriend is a drug addict and just can’t drop the habit of using, another thing if your boo is some war criminal murdering millions. But Pepper Potts is literally asking her man to stop creating technology that can change the human life for the better as well as stop fighting not just petty crimes, but crimes and danger that can risk the end of the world. Everyone knows you need a smart guy in your crew and when the stakes are that high risking millions of lives, he needs to be a genius and Pepper is literally trying to take that away from the Avengers. Thor is a Norse god and a sexual Adonis but all he knows to do is hit things with a hammer, he ain’t gonna lead the crew out of sticky situations. Sure Black Widow and Bruce Banner can figure their way around the computer but one is a devious bitch who you can still shoot in the face and the other is lost at sea and according to the next Thor movie, will be in another planet in a different galaxy so that wont help either. One would think a fortunate girl like Pepper would appreciate Tony for giving her a job title that made her a coffee fetcher into the worlds most successful and powerful woman. A little confidence and support in her man would kinda be appreciated, Pepper, but instead she’s gonna make you work less hours and tear apart The Avengers. Women I tell ya. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Movie Technology That Needs To Be Real:  The Self Cooking Hot Dog

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So in Stark’s introduction into the movie, it shows Stark showing off some pretty cool and stylish binary augmented retro-framing sunglasses that apparently hijacks the hippocampus region of the brain to clear traumatic memories in people, we come across a little gem of a technology that the real world needs to invent, and that’s the self cooking hot dog. Now when the dean or principle brings up inventing this type of technology he mentions loading up a hot dog with some sort of chemical detonator but then was rudely cut off from explaining how this genius idea would work. Listen hot dogs are the type of food you don’t want to think about, just eat. Sure in the back of your mind you know its probably made from a pigs asshole and meat sections they would probably feed to zoo animals but you don’t care because it’s delicious. Knowing that, you’re probably okay with eating a little chemical detonator if it means a nice toasty brat ready to eat merely seconds after pulling it from the fridge. No one wants the hassle of turning on a grill or boiling a pot of water just to make a hot dog. Instead, I picture it being like one of those hot emergency hand warmers or like cracking a glow stick to make it glow. I’m sure there’s some science out there that can make it happen and once its found its a million dollar idea. Someone tell Hillshire or Kraft to get this idea to their R&D department asap.

Bonus Round Hot Take: Is Ant-man a member of ISIS or any other terrorist group?

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San Quentin State Prison is a maximum security prison right? Probably a couple or lower level terrorist in there roped up in the same section as Scott Lang. After spending a couple months locked away from the free society I wouldn’t be surprised is Lang converted to radical Islam and got told to carry out orders to destroy those Jesus loving Avengers in the name of Allah even if it means self sacrifice. Doesn’t once think about his family or the legacy he leaves behind before his sarcastic happy going ass decides to turn into Giant Man. Just a reckless move all around. Hydra might’ve been the problems of the 1940’s to 2015 but all that finally got put to end after Sokovia. The next threat on humanity in 2016 is ISIS and I’m not so sure Ant Man isn’t one of them. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 7.26.46 PM

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After After Credit Bonus: Peggy Carter/ Hayley Atwell has BOMBS28faa3a9f9066ee978d1033da8c04050 a4e875798556ae25862cd076b5696a05 maxresdefault Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 7.43.25 PM tumblr_nl2i6fttEK1qaho1po3_250 tumblr_ntao8rZGSw1s6qwwxo1_540