Some where in the south, Paula Deen just changed sexual preferences watching this.
Monthly Archives: October 2016
Azalea The Female Chimp Who Smokes A Pack A Day Is All The Rage In Pyongyang Zoo
This is the difference between America and other countries. Sick and tired of all the bullshit outrage America starts. Yea I get it, smoking causes lung cancer. We’ll get a million talk shows about the subject and people lobbying congress over it. North Korea on the other hand gives a loosey to a chimp until she becomes a habitual smoker and it becomes all the rage. Their dictator leader might be a sham and may be looming on the start of the next world war but they don’t care to focus on those things when they’re too busy hysterically laughing at Azalea touching her nose and smoking a pack a day.
Compared to the rest of the zoo attraction though, I could see how this is a big hit. You guys see what else they got going on at this zoo? This place SUCKS. We want to see tigers and lions and shit at zoo’s. Beast that we normally can’t see do some primal shit like eat meat. Yea some cute animals is fine and this place has some of that, but this zoo originally started with 50 badgers. What the fuck are we suppose to do with that? That’s like just having a bunch of skunks run around. What else do they have? Just a dog park pretty much. We get to look at dogs at home all the time and we play with them everyday. I want my zoo attractions to be more menacing like a gorilla or a cross bred liger that looks like it can swallow me in one bite. That’s why American Zoos are better. We got all the dopest animals. This zoo honestly sucks balls with out cigarette smoking chimp.
P.s- This chimp, if given a gun, is definitely smart enough to shoot all these people. If it knows how to bum a light off of another lit cigarette, guaranteed it can work a hammer and trigger.
Panthers Fall To Tampa 4-3 In An Overtime Shootout. Trocheck Discovered NHL Equivalent Of The Tuck Rule
Wild game. Never felt the should be rivalry really but tonight felt like they were playing some playoff level hockey at some points and it’s only game 3. First night for Reimer in net and despite the score being 4-3 lightning, the shot attempts were pretty much down to even on both sides and we’re not exactly playing a lottery team here. It’s potential Stanley Cup favorites we’re talking about and the Panthers could’ve had it end their way if the game was cut short 5 seconds. Had another chance to win it on an empty net earlier but like the previous 60 minutes, Panthers were a little bit too conservative with the puck and decided not to shoot. Tough luck but it’s over and we go back home to get ready for another juggernaut of an opponent in The Capitals.
Things to take away though, Colton Sceviour scored a short handed goal with a feed from D-Mac for his 2nd goal of the season. Trocheck tied us up in the third and Mike Matheson got his 1st NHL goal and really has been making his arrival in the NHL well known and is still learning to be better. Have high hopes on Matheson but so far we like what he brings to the table after the purge of some fan favorites in the D core.
Of course after that Matheson goal, Stamkos fucked us in the ass by literally burying one with FIVE seconds left. Five seconds away from being on top of The Atlantic and taking the 1st of the I-75 rivalry. What ever. More interestingly though, is young Vinnie Trocheck discovering what is essentially the NHL Overtime equivalent of the Tuck Rule during a little controversial call in a shootout goal.
Banana’s. No one in Florida thought that was a good goal besides Trocheck and who ever was in Toronto making that call. Did Trocheck fumble the puck in a shot attempt? Was Brady tucking the ball back in? Did Charles Woodson sack Trocheck? Sometimes it’s best to let things go their course with out getting in the way. More likely than not Trocheck was trying to swipe the puck in but lost control of it and should’ve ended the game right there. Especially wouldn’t matter since Tampa ended up winning after Ekblad failed in shoot out but who knows man. If Florida goes on to win that game it could’ve sparked some real hatred between the two clubs. Who knows Maybe Trocheck ends up leading this team to 4 rings over a 20 year dynasty reign.
H/T Stephanie @Myregularface and Pete @PeteBlackburn
Screen Rant: The Accountant **Spoilers**
Boom fresh out of the theaters and still in my brain is a screen rant of this weekend’s highest grossing film, The Accountant. Ben Affleck has had an interesting journey at this point. Been through the highs and lows of Hollywood and might be Tinsel town’s most typical Hollywood actor. Won awards a pair of Oscars, made shit movies like Gigli and Daredevil, been in major blockbusters like Pearl Harbor, evolved into a director and made awesome movies like The Town. Dated actresses and cheated on them with nanny’s. Well now he comes with the movie The Accountant, an action thriller about an idiot savant accountant that handles the money situation for the mob and ends up being a military trained hand to hand combat fighter with a weapon’s cache fit for a small militia including a minigun as his personal home security system and a Barrett 50 cal rifle. Oh yea and someone’s out to kill him because he found out a person a robot company was slowly stealing away like 60+ million dollars.
I’m not gonna pretend to be non-biased here. I’m an Affleck guy. The Town’s one of my favorite go to watches of all time. It’s a modern day Heat. The Accountant off the top of my head i give it a decent solid 7. I don’t need a Daniel Day Lewis magnificent performance or a story written like a Charlie Kaufman film and i don’t really think this movie pretends to be that exactly. I would describe it as an intense version of Jack Reacher mixed with Drive. Action all around with a story trying to have twist and teases, but tries to have funny moments? I didn’t laugh through any of it but I had a decent time watching it. Certain things were predictable but then again was it at all predictable considering no one would expect a person with autism have a kill count and can bench 200lbs. So yea, not the best, but certainly not the worst and I would pay 10 bucks anytime to watch Affleck do some hardcore karate and shoot people any day of the week.
DON’T EVER GIVE CHRISTIAN WOLFF BLUE BALLS
Listen all you playboys and Lothario’s out there. Not all of us are slinging the pipe every second. I’m not saying I don’t try to wet the beak a little from time to time, and I don’t know if strong muscular autistic people get sexual desires but we’re all human and some times after some long talk and hands roaming, if it leads to nothing, you get blue balls. Too much blood rushing to the penis or something. It’s uncomfortable. And sure I can just get it off my mind off it, take a cold shower or even walk it off. Christian Wolff can’t. Something in the chemistry in his brain just sends him into a manic state if he just can’t finish. We all saw it pretty much, him balls deep in numbers on the board fucking those accounting numbers every which way possible. Next thing you know, boom. Some janitor washed away his puzzle piece/metaphorical orgasm and next thing you know he cant get his car parked just right and then he starts clubbing the shit out of his leg (which i didn’t understand from the beginning). Don’t think that was the short term affect either. I mean the company scrubbed his work, he put a bullet in the CEO’s dome. Don’t even try to keep Wolff away from finishing or else it’ll be your death.
DON’T BABY YOUR KIDS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY
Millennials and baby millennials these days. We’ve all scoffed at those parents who think their kid shouldn’t play in the sand like us common kids. We all know rubbing Purell sure kills germs but we also always fight back with “It’s killing the good germs too!” Well that’s like a microcosm for what this movie is trying to say here. Just cause your son’s autistic doesn’t mean you should keep him locked in his room playing with a picture puzzle. I’m not trying to pretend to be a doctor, here. If your kid’s entire body is septic yea MAYBE keep him locked up like the bubble boy. But other than that, let your autistic kid roll in the sand and build up those tolerances to germs and shit. Maybe get them to fight a trained martial arts instructor until their cut and bleeding and almost beaten to a pulp too. Just a little advice if you want your nerd savant to be a total bad ass too.
NEEERRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD. Congrats SunFlowerFortunato, you overpaid to attend business school so you can work at a big accounting firm where you WILL contemplate suicide. Seriously name a douchier thread on IMDB, you can’t.
See this is one of those reasons why I don’t know if you can say it was predictable or not. Like sure in compliance to the movie i could see where you’re logically piecing things together in accordance to the story, i could see it coming. But then remove yourself a little bit and you can’t honestly think at all a person with autism can become some super soldier and another who can hack into world computers and shit. Banana’s stuff but that’s why you should just see the movie.
This feels mean but I don’t believe this guy actually has Asperger’s Syndrome enough to comment on a movie but not just google really fast if this movie has anything to do with autism.
This is probably true and the downfall of Lamar Blackburn’s character. Why the fuck would you hand over your whole operation to a living breathing super computer who’s out to look for mistakes in your book keeping when you can just write a check to a bunch of Ivy League schools who have to stay in a cubicle and trying to skate by with out working. His own downfall.
Bro its an accountant who cooks the books for the mob. Yea if you took Lau from The Dark Knight and made a movie about him it would only be mildly interesting, but in this case he’s Batman also.
Christian Wolff should’ve been an Autistic, Gay, Muscular, Hand to Hand Combat fighter Accountant. It sounds like a mess of a character but it already sounded preposterous with out the gay part so including it might’ve just skated by in the shadows of all his other character.
Big win for the nerds and the people with autism. This one’s for you guys and for Messi and Datsyuk, we know you guys are sneaky autistic.
He doesn’t need an excel spreadsheet because he IS an excel spreadsheet. Plus if he didn’t write on walls, how else would you recognize his genius. Only genius write on windows. Fact
Love This Michigan Judge Pulling The Breakfast Club Routine And About To Pummel The Defendant
Hate guys that are all talk. Not willing to get hands into the mix, just delegates orders. Not Judge John McBain. Come at him, I dare you and he’ll take off that robe so fast it’ll make your head spin. One second you think he’s one big joke pulling the breakfast club routine upping the jail sentence and next thing you know he’s coming at you getting ready to work your ass into cuffs and dragging you to the jail cell personally. Once the robe’s off, he isn’t gonna be a voice of the Constitution and a symbol of The Rule of Law. He’s just Badass McBain at that point. Not to mention, it must drive criminals crazy having an old man assigning you a life time sentence in Lompoc while he sits in a comfy wheely chair never really understanding the situation but waving a gavel like a baby and ending your life forever. Well at least Judge McBain isn’t all talk. I’d like to think after a scuffle like this there’s some mutual respect between all parties involved. Kinda like you knew a fight was coming and you didn’t run from it. That’s why McBain gets the rep he gets.
Classic: Guy Snaps His Ankle Skateboarding
Classic internet video. Short and sweet. Just a guy going down a little 3 foot ramp for his maiden voyage on a skateboard and next thing you know, you have 200+ lbs along with the force of gravity all going down on his left ankle. Love his friend too trying to move it back in place like he’s some magic doctor that can mend it back like connecting Lego pieces. It’s fucked, bro. I would get grossed out just touching it. Not even gonna knock his high pitched shrill. When your bone snaps you can forget about any appearance of masculinity. Id probably would sound the same.
Mike Matheson Knocked Devil’s Defense Man Damon Severson Off His Launch Pad To Feed Barkov The GWG in Overtime
Great win last night. Not gonna lie, 1st time of NHL it was awesome. Just Auston Matthews putting on a clinic to ease you back into the season. 2nd night, last night, however was just feistyness all over the league. Jussi getting into the digs. Rookie Shane Harper dropping the mitts. Ekblad getting a high stick to his adonis-like visage. Officiating not doing us any favors but we got the W in the end after Matheson makes his presences known game 1 of a 82+ game season by bulldozing a guy and feeding the puck to Barkov for the Game winning goal. Hockey is back and i hope to god it’s gonna be here till next summer.
Also to note, last night the Panthers honored Jose Fernandez. I still can’t believe he’s gone and his death i think will always be shocking to a lot of South Florida people but still a great classy move by the Panthers. Was only fitting that #16 gets the game winner on the night they honor another great #16
P.s: Those sweaters are hot. Look great on ice. The brand has evolved and it’s turning into a beaut on ice.
Guess What? Duct Taped And Bound By Rope Robbed Kim Kardashian Halloween Costume Is NOT Going Over Well
The Internet is not happy with Costumeish, a company currently selling a Halloween costume that looks a lot like reality star Kim Kardashian as a robbery victim.
Costumeish’s “Parisian Heist Robbery Victim” outfit seems to mock Kardashian’s recent encounter with armed robbers in Paris last week, where she was bound, gagged, and had millions of dollars worth of jewelry stolen, according to a previous report.
“This Halloween it’s all about the #Hallomeme and who better than America’s goddess of all things glamorous ‘Parisian Heist Robbery Victim Costume?’” reads the costume’s description. “She has devoted her life to promoting American decadence, youth, and hedonism, but all that flashy living caught up with her one night in Paris when armed men bound her, stole her jewelry and her peace of mind. This Halloween have some fun with pop culture and dress just like the Queen of Social media.”
The costume kit includes a short white robe, a long black wig, large sunglasses, a fake gag, two inches of rope, and a fake “$4 million ring,” which is the same price of the engagement ring robbers stole from Kardashian. Although her name is never mentioned in the costume’s description, many people on social media have drawn their own conclusions:Despite the backlash, a company spokesperson told Fox News that it has “no intentions of taking it down and it has been selling well.”“Our deepest sympathy to the family and nobody deserves to go [through] what she did. We are not mocking her, however Halloween reflects pop culture and celebrities are no different,” the spokesperson told Fox.
Love it. It’s not turning a traumatizing event in which a very famous celebrity was bound and gagged and robbed of millions in priceless jewels into a mockery, It’s a celebration of famous socialites getting robbed at gun point. It’s an indictment that you’re a pop media icon and any aspect of your life should be highlighted on an overly commercialized holiday. It’s like an honor really. Yea you might be traumatized from the thought of a Parisian burglar point a gun at your face as you’re hopelessly tied up, but It’s not this companies fault that every chick wants to be you for Halloween as they get wasted taking jello shots trying to hook up.
Also Love how they just don’t flat out say it’s Kim Kardashian and just name every attribute a person would use to describe Kim K. It’s like when rap feuds happen and they don’t say the name of the person they’re dissing but once half the world hears it they just know who they’re talking about i.e the Pusha T/ Drake/Lil Wayne/ YMCMB/ Exodus 23:1. As long as they don’t say the name, if you get offended then that means you’re the one that’s making assumption as to who fits the profile but it’s still not their fault. This can be any number of celebrities that have 4 million dollar rings and that have been recently been in the spotlight as a grand larceny victim. Shame on all you people just assuming its Mrs. West.
Introducing Asgardia, The First Nation In Space On Earth
What a SHAM this place is. By now people are probably sick of the news cycle. People getting shot by cops, black lives matter, Florida being Florida. If anyone’s social media accounts are equal to their actual belief that they want to move off of earth they would be signing this petition faster than the speed of light. Sucks however when all that will happen is they just sit there continue living day to day on this blue rock. I want to see how this spins out of hand though. Push this assignment through and watch all these assholes thinking they’re gonna be Prota Zoa rocking out in zero gravity orbiting the earth stealing all the hearts of teenage girls. Worst of allis once people find out this is just a sham, they’re gonna say Earth laws don’t apply. You know it’s gonna happen. If that is the case then just get these assholes away from me and then build a giant box in space and send them their kike how England did Australia.
Not to mention the whole “No laws” aspect they think is going to work. Do you think civilization would’ve taken us all the way to 2016 with out our silly man made laws that keep people from shooting each other in the face? You think that’s gonna float in space? Fuck no. Sure we on earth have to deal with gun violence and the punishment that may or may not follow after, but that’s a million times better than a band of space marauders not having it with you so they decide to toss your ass into the vastness of space where you’d freeze to death in an instant. We deal with Hurricane winds here for sure, but I don’t think im ready to deal with space rock storms where a small rock can tear through this place and suck everyone out into the vacuum of space. Fuck all of that. Team Earth till I die.
Australian City Bans Porn And Asks Of It’s People To Promise To Stop Watching Porn
What kind of porn does this mayor watch? I mean part of me doesn’t want to blame him. Have you guys seen the porn trending these days? Its legit loaded with incest porn. Just a bunch of mom’s having sex with sons and shit. Some weird Oedipus Rex nonsense going on with Porn hub and I don’t like it. That’s the kind of stuff that’ll ruin families if a 12 year old kid is thinking his mom is gonna have sex with him when his pops is on a work vacation. But I mean this guy sounds like he’s going into the hardcore category where guys are like doing some really deplorable stuff that I occasionally watch. But I mean more likely than not the porn sex is all mutual between the guy and girl. She’s having fun, he’s having fun. She wants a load on her face, he wants to put it there. Everything is all copacetic in the porn i watch. If you take that away from me who knows what I’ll do when I need to just be left alone and decompress.
Does this Mayor understand what can happen to a society when you take away porn? Like I like the idea of strong Family morals for sure, but I also know that people are people and we all have our vices. You can be like the father in the last post and do heroin, but like 99% of the world all we need is a good ol’ fashion session when your alone for five minutes. We’re all human and we get annoyed with one another. Yea sometimes i didn’t clean a fucking dish. Do you get into a screaming match that leads into a domestic violence case? No, You walk away, visit some websites, do something for five minutes, and everything all comes back down to normal. A healthy relationship.
But maybe this mayor is a sneaky genius? Instead of visiting your favorite porn site when you get mad at your significant other, you boost the local economy and visit the town brothel and have Stacy clear your pipes. Visit all the strippers in town and help fund their college tuition. Maybe that is the smart play.