Have you ever seen such a diabolical looking man ever? I mean seriously, the hair cut, the thin Asian mustache, the stare? That’s the stare of someone who just poisoned your tea and is waiting to watch your lungs seize up with white foam coming out of your mouth. And the best part about it is he knows he’s not gonna see anything close to a prison sentence because he knows the book better than the judge. He’s like Belichick just playing by your rules and making you look like a fool at the same time. And what are his tactics to beat the law you might ask? Simply explaining to the judge and the Alberta Human Rights Commission that he was pretty much being tortured and had his civil rights violated. I mean being denied Vegetarian meals and complaining about orthopedic sandals??? The Joker had to perform a reverse c section and put a cellphone bomb inside a man and had to orchestrate him being arrested in order to mastermind his way out of a holding cell (**spoilers**). Nick Chan ain’t got time for that shit. There’s money to be made in the grimy streets of Calgary. He’ll just yell and scream about how his back hurts because he’s been denied his rights to his orthopedic sandals. It’s a real son of a bitch move when you have to wear the in-house shoes with no Dr. Scholl’s sole inserts to the point where your spine is about to fall out. And on top of that you don’t get the vegetarian meal in the pen??? Fuck out of here. Who’s really the criminal here??? Not Nick Chan in his eyes, that’s for damn sure. Now excuse him while he continues to distribute heroin and have people killed and try to get his wife deported back to China. Maybe go read the handbook instead, Calgary.
Two upper-class teenage girls in suburban Connecticut rekindle their unlikely friendship after years of growing apart. Together, they hatch a plan to solve both of their problems — no matter what the cost.
Welcome back folks! Its been a while. New Years, Chinese New Years, Work, Life, etc. All that mumbo jumbo but I’m back. And I’m back to tell you guys about a quirky film called Thoroughbreds. Took a look at the slate of movies out and this one stuck out. See, I like to claim that I have a knack for seeking talent. It started when I was in the 7th grade and my buddy Brian asked me to make a CD mixtape with a bunch of rap songs on it and then out of the blue I threw on a song called “Through the Wire” by this at the time unknown fella named Kanye West. I remember watching old videos of Mike Posner back when he was an unsigned college kid performing at schools. Well I feel the same way about Anya Taylor-Joy. Saw her in “The Witch” and instantly knew she could be a star. Next thing you know shes staring in “Split” and now that brings us here, to Thoroughbreds. I’ll give anything ATJ’s in a fair shot.
Anywho, this is a movie about 2 teens who grew up in a wealthy rich Connecticut suburb. One teen Lily, played by Anya Taylor-joy, and another teen, Amanda, played by Olivia Cooke. Amanda is a teen who feels no emotions, which if you’ve seen any murder T.V. show, you’d know that lacking emotion is one of the signs of a psycho path. Team that up with the implied intro, and we have a bonafide psychopath. And on the other end we have Lily, a perfect version of a what a lovely white suburban teen girl is on the surface who’s brewing a deep hatred for her step dad. The two were friends as kids, but it’s presumed as they grew older, they grew apart for what ever reason. Now that years have passed, Amanda’s mom pays Lily to hang out with Amanda, even though Amanda is fully aware of the situation. Despite that fact, the two kinda rekindle somewhat of a friendship when their conversation is interrupted by Lily’s dad who, as we stated earlier, Lily hates. This is when the two gals decide to open up a bottle of red wine and have a discussion about killing Lily’s father. Casual wine talk. The two meet up with Anton Yelchin’s (RIP) character Tim. A Westchester drop out drug dealer with a slight social stigma about being a pedophile. Every town has one of those. The two girls try to hire him to kill Lily’s father but whether or not that happens, you will have to watch and see…….or scroll to the bottom.
That being said this movie is straight up movie nerds creaming them selves a bit. Its a good movie, but the movie poster plastered with “Wickedly funny!” is an outrageous claim even from a exaggerating Bostonian standard. Don’t get me wrong I had a few laughs but I breathed perfectly fine the whole time. It was a fine movie, had a beginning a middle and an end and kept me interested the whole time. The movie has the benefits of being well paced and short. It feels few and far in between where we get a good 90 minute movie. Don’t get me wrong I’ll sit through a long movie if its good enough, but sometimes I’m like the Trill Withers of movie watching where a good 90 minute movie is my speed on a casual Thursday evening. Aside from that the movie also has a stylish feel with the music that keeps you interested. That’s how you win over my brain sometimes. Short and stylish, like a Shakira type because shes 5’2 and hot.
Now although i didn’t think it was funny like the next Superbad or something, the writing and performance was dope. The dead pan performance from Olivia Cooke was money. ATJ gives a good performance as well. Also have to mention this was Anton Yelchins very last role. He was fine and probably had more of the actually funny performances playing off of the dead pan humor of Olivia Cooke and Anya Taylor-Joy. Not to mention he’s the one character who’s some what normal mentally. Sad to see hi go even though I didn’t watch any of the new Star Treks and I thought Alpha Dog sucked. He was a nice kid in that, but still was kind of a stinker to me. All together I give it like a 7.3. It’s not gonna be any award type movie. But strong potential to be a cult classic type of film. Anton Yelchin’s last movie. Taylor-Joy and Cooke both about to become bigger names with Glass, New Mutants and Ready Player One, Life itself coming out soon. And the movie itself has a distinct style to it with the music.
Lily kills the step father. Wild scene. That whole like 5 minute performance is chilling as fuck. Plus the crying, I’m not an actual movie critic or in any way qualified to evaluate acting performances but I thought it was really fucking good crying. It was somewhat a theme in the movie, crying, being able to fake it, and when it was real, It definitely draws attention to that scene more and I think it pays off. I don’t want to sound like a lunatic, but its definitely worth paying and sitting through a 90 minute movie for that scene.
Man let me share a personal story with y’all. When my family first came to America it was my dad, uncle, and aunties, all 7 of them, with my Grandma and Grandpa all cramped into a small one bed room apartment in the small outskirts in Chinatown, New York City. One day some low life scum bag took a pipe and hit my grandpa in the back of the head damaging his brain. Guy was never able to form memories for long. Growing up he was a quiet guy, never really spoke, just got angry and went for his daily walks around town to get a milk tea and sit at home with out making a noise. Fast Forward to a few years ago he passed away and it came time for his funeral. I was blown away. The amount of people that came to give their condolences was mind blowing because I figured only a handful of family members would come. Didn’t think he had friends because he never spoke after that day he was attacked. They all remembered him as one of Chinatowns first accountant I think? Either way a couple hundred people came and went. It was a surprise and heart warming moment to see them all come pay their respects.
Now that being said……
Hypothetically, lets say if this was a thing. If I knew Chinese chicks were around back of the funeral home grinding their asses on peoples dicks, I don’t think I would mind. It’s an emotional time people! It would be one of those things where the family hosting the funeral probably know, but you know what? It’s just nice to hear nice things people have to say about loved ones that passed. Its also nice to have a girl with a nice ass whispering sweet nothings in your ear. I mean if there was a black sheep family member at a funeral you know he doesn’t really have nice things to say and you know its a conflicted past, but the wife of the deceased probably appreciated him just being there. Probably feels some what the same way when the town gas station attendant comes to mourn the loss in sweat pants and one dollar bills sticking out his pocket. It’s such a genius business idea too. From the words of the great Chazz Reinhold “grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.”
P.s- “The media has blamed it on increasing materialism as the country opens up to the West,” Yo China, unless I’ve been lied too, I’ve been to A number of funerals and we’re not the ones telling the farming communities in China to have strippers at Funerals.
P.P.S- Besides Milk tea and being quiet to turning into the Hulk in 5 seconds, the only other thing I know for a fact about my Grandpa was he loved Sunkist. When he would stay with us in Florida, he would walk a mile for a can of Sunkist.
Lost in Space might be one of the worst movies I cherish. Am I the only one with that feeling? I mean I assume for a decent amount of people out there born in the 90’s, they should feel the same way. The movie came out in 1998 and when I was the ripe age of 8 years old. Old enough to comprehend things and take in stories but not old enough to know how to say a movie is complete dog shit. That right there is nostalgia in a nut shell. I mean I remember i wanted to kiss, that’s right, not have sex with, just kiss Penny Robinson (NSFW is what I would want to do with Professor Maureen Robinson). It was an age of innocence folks. Wanted to hold hands with her while we were, in fact, lost in space. In my head Will Robinson just died and I’m just there with Penny, playing with our pet space monkey. And when I had to go on space mission I’d just hop in Will Robinson’s (RIP in my fantasy) robot that I can remote pilot so I don’t have to worry about dying. Kid was a white Shuri with remote pilot systems. And then when we grow older and I gotta be a man on this space ship navigating through the black void of space, I get handed down the artillery of former hot shot pilot Major Don West.
That right there was the biggest thing in this movie. Not the critically claimed actors William Hurt or Gary Oldman. It was the fact that I thought mother fucking Joey Tribiani was the hottest shit in this movie. Whats even crazier is i had a Major Don West action figure. Remove the armor and guns and I pretty much had a FRIENDS Joey Tribiani toy. But there was no deny the fact that to the average 8 year old in 1998, dude was cool. I mean he was on a hit T.V show known for having sex when he wasn’t a meatball sub loving idiot. And shit I loved Meatball subs too. But it was the simple fact that the dude was like Iron Man before Iron Man.You see that shit? It doesn’t have the same functioning speed but that’s the Iron Man Mark 46 suit in a nut shell with out the bells and whistles of the actually full body suit and a functioning F.R.I.D.A.Y. AI interface and repulsor blasters or missiles. Yea its just a collapsible helmet but it was cool as shit to know you can get ready to fuck up some space spiders in a snap of a finger.
As far as the Netflix show goes, this is just a teaser so who knows really how it’ll turn out. All I know is they got to crank up the tech of Major West if they want this shit to be good. And as far as the Judy character goes, I guess they got some light skin black chick to play the role? Maybe going for an adopted sister story line? Could be interesting when you can expand that to a tv show length story. And I guess the bad guy spy is a woman? Also don’t care, its 2018 so if they want to cast a woman as the lead protagonist I could care less as long as it’s good. Either way Set your Netflix reminders for April 13 so we can criticize this Netflix series if it’s good or bad but either way regardless of the fact that it doesn’t have Joey from Friends.
By now I have a sick feeling inside that people might be getting a bit sick and tired of the fantastic actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (His daughter happens to be my neighbor, not that that affects my opinion on him). People may scoff and ignore his next major Blockbuster release Rampage. Well how the fuck can you scoff now when the plot of it is basically happening right there there in Hong Kong. Like twice the length of the other puny hogs around him and with roughly 5000% more muscle bulk than the others. Honestly must be like a god amongst them. I mean I’ve always heard that pigs and hogs only have feeding and breeding on their mind which is why they get castrated on farms, so they only eat and grow massive for meat. Well if they can get their brains together for one second and realize they have a leader who can take on humans and rule the world if we were just going hand to hand. I mean short of a 50 cal bullet I’m not even sure other calibers can take Hogzilla out. I mean yea i know shit head poachers take out Elephants all the time but Hogs are a whole nother animal entirely, literally. Same logic where a 9mm can probably shoot any person but when a crazy coked out juiced meth head comes charging at you. It’s gonna take a couple .45 probably. Well same logic as hogzilla except times 100 and bullets look like they’ll bounce off him when he charges the streets of Hong Kong. I mean it’s eating trash! It’ll eat anything and every thing and continue to bulk up. That includes, half eaten steaks, bullets, trash, humans, skulls, etc. Guy’s such a monster it almost makes me think he’s a marketing ploy now just so people watch Rampage. I don’t want to know monsters can happen naturally out there in the wild.
What a heart on Octavia Spencer. Honestly that’s so dope of her. Black Panther looks like it’s gonna be awesome and from what I’ve heard with the World Premier earlier this week, it is awesome and gonna be a huge hit. To finally have a black super hero on screen in a good movie is a great thing and for Octavia Spencer to be able to connect children that can identify with a strong and powerful character like the king of Wakanda is amazing.
All that being said, I too, have been working on buying out a screening of a big movie as well. Only problem is I’m doing it because it think it would be very very fun to cuck nerds. But see it’ll be well deserved because of how many fucking movies a year I watch and how much I spend at Regal. 50+movies last year just racking up regal points all for the ultimate goal of having enough points to buy a theater like a boss. With an average smaller theater room having around 96 seats, I know I’m far from my goal but listen, the beauty of Hollywood is they keep on pumping out the same franchise stuff over and over again. By the time Avengers 8 comes out or Star Wars episode 69 hit’s theaters lord knows how many points I would’ve accumulated by then with movie viewings and popcorn purchases. Imagine the final Star Wars movie. Yoda comes back, Luke comes back. The nerds would refinance their home for that shit opening day if they need to. But the second they hop on Fandango looking to purchase a ticket for a 10 o’clock screening and they look to reserve their seat and then they become absolutely flummoxed. Absolutely ZERO seats available. They missed out. They sneak in the theater only to find one Chinese man sitting where ever the fuck I want changing seats 90 times because the fact is all those seats are mine. And when they try to sneak in and take a seat I’ll laugh as security shames them and escorts them out of the seat because it’s reserved for me. The theater all to myself. The dream.
Do people still like going thrift shopping? Felt like it was a fad that happened all because Macklemore made 1 fucking song and then hipsters all decided it was cooler to wear poor people clothes that’s used. Assholes just thinking buying used shit gives it character. Sure thing pal, you convince your self a 90’s plain crew neck that has been vomited on and has trace amounts of cocaine is better than a new wool cardigan.
All that being said, it would be considered a huge win if you can make it out of the store with a Rocket-propelled Grenade launcher complete and loaded WITH a live functioning grenade at your local goodwill. That’s just value you can’t get on the retail market. And that’s what thrift store shopping is all about right? Finding that one special item like a mahogany hand made table or some Italian vintage armor. In this case if you were looking for a large caliber weapon that fires explosives, this is exactly the find you were looking for. Never would’ve thought about going to a goodwill but now i might have a change of heart. It’s a charitable thing to let go of things you don’t need all so you can support charity, hence it would be charitable if I peruse the local goodwill and buy some second hand heavy artillery. In the name of charity.