You know how they say don’t judge a book by It’s cover? Well shame on me. Here I was willy nilly thinking that these criminals were all just the biggest group of idiots with this guy getting tossed in jail originally for stealing shit from a Wal-Mart. Sure enough seems dumb. But then on the other hand of the same spectrum we have the same guy that knows the chemical process to melt down methamphetamine onto paper and was smart enough to devise a plan to get high in prison. It’s so simple and so genius. Just splatter that shit on some construction paper and say a kid sent him a drawing or some shit that you’re gonna hang up in your cell. C.O. probably wouldn’t even know when he walks across this guy’s cell with the drawings half chewed and the guy on the ground rolling face high as a kite. Probably not the cleanest of highs with a low purity rate and shits been stepped on with food coloring to match the same glow that the happy yellow color the sun produces probably, but for prison standards guy pretty much is getting down on Blue Sky pretty much. When’s the last time I ever came up with a scheme that brilliant? Never in a million years would I know how to make some super chemical drug and paint them Bob Ross style so people in the penitentiary system can get high. They might not be the best people when it comes to responsibilities and may not have the real life acumen to make the best life choices but I’ll never doubt a low life criminals imaginative brain when it comes to finding a way to abuse some sort of recreational drug.
Typical fast food worker going about the daily grind just trying to make a paycheck and live so he can make a paycheck next week and live. Probably had a little hiccup, life got in the way, sometimes people fuck up. Who knows his reason. To err is to be human after all. Now I don’t know about Russell’s work ethic here. Maybe he fucked up too many times for his boss to forgive. What I do know is out of any burger chain, if you decide to throw an angry fit at your boss by ransacking the place and threaten your manager, Krystal Burger might be the worst option. I love little White Castle/ Krystal Burger’s sliders but that’s not gonna do any sort of damage with those thin little tiny frozen patties. You’re just not getting the appropriate fulfillment considering you’re gonna lose your job and go to jail anyways. If you worked at a McDonalds, you can just go ham on the ice cream machine. Wendy’s, take those fresh never frozen patties out of the freezer and chuck those meaty patties around. Bk? Throw those massive sesame seed buns in one hand, the massive patties in another. You throw a fit with little Krystal sliders you’re just gonna make a tiny mess. Probably clean it up in 15 minutes. If you want to tell your boss off, you’re gonna need a place that offers more.
Genius. Fucking brilliant. Ask me a week ago if I thought this was a PR stunt perpetrated by the Hollywood studios and I would’ve told you by next week I wouldn’t care one bit. But things have changed. I remembered that Vince McMahon is still alive. Not that I ever thought he wasn’t alive but I forgot how much of a manipulator he is. How the man blurs the line between real life and Monday Night RAW. Can never tell if he’s Vince McMahon the Wrestler/ The Owner/ The Founder of the Kiss My Ass Club/ or just the real Vince McMahon that strolls through town. The reason being is because they’re all the same. Guy is really a villain in real life. That’s why It wouldn’t be completely out of bounds to say that this is all his doing. Frankly if I get into an argument with my friend I wouldn’t discount the idea that it was a ploy by Vince. If he has that much of a hold on my brain, a guy who hasn’t watched wrestling since the days of RVD, how much control do you think he has over The Rock who grew up in the greatest era of wrestling. Yea The Rock has appearances here and there on Wrestlemania. The guy generates a buzz like no other.
Listen, I don’t know what the plot is to Fast 8. What I do know from extensively analyzing all 8 films repeatedly is that the relationship between Hobbs and Toretto was born from a rocky start aiming to beat the shit out of one another. One is against the law and one is the law. Sure they’ve put aside differences in order to protect people from terrorist and other harmful criminals, but Just like Iron Man and Captain America, I could picture those two going at each others throat. If you were to tell me that they finished Captain America Civil War with RDJ storming off set mad at Chris Evans, I would scratch my head about it since they’ve had chemistry working with each other on the previous other marvel movies. Then if you told me Wrestlemania’s headline event was going to be Steve Rodgers verses Iron Man I would fly to what ever city to see it go down. It’s taking movies to a live action level. Not to mention The Rock calling someone out over instagram for being unprofessional is a bit unprofessional itself. Never could picture The Rock just beefing with someone in real life anyways. That is of course, if it’s one big ploy perpetrated by Vince McMahon……
Hey Longville, you guy’s just let Duke and all of Cormorant’s citizens drag their nuts all over your face. Do the right thing and make Bruno mayor already.
Steal of the century right? Easy 10k for a picture of cock stroker robot. Gotta take it. Look, It’s hard to be the face of something that’s on the fore front of technology because everyone’s to scared to be the face of an unproven brand. I’m sure Lochte would love to be sponsored by Sony or something but the fact of the matter is those opportunities are gone and he’s not getting younger. Are there chances that he’s gonna make it back to the Olympics? Probably not. Your career is essentially down the tubes as far as swimming goes. So maybe it’s time to make a business change and go in a different direction. And for someone that doesn’t have a known sex tape out yet, Ryan Lochte is the perfect person to have promote your deviant sex toy products. It’s a strong enough of a name so that it’s recognized nationally and the guy is still a gold medal winner and in good shape. The only problem is 10 grand for a photo seems kinda low for a decent promotion opportunity. Must be what the managerial team and agents of Lochte are waiting to pull the trigger on. 10k with an Olympian is horse shit. Try a million. Rapid cut shots of the Autoblow 2 in motion and Ryan Lochte swimming competing the hair color right out of his head. Fade to black and just the Autoblow 2. All you hear in the background. “…ooooooohhhhhhh Jeeeaaahhhhhhhh.” You don’t need to be Don Draper to come up with advertising thats that easy.
Man this shit breaks me down into pieces. Joining a gang because you want to fit in with a bunch of outcast misfits is one thing. Joining a football team to learn about team work is another thing. Joining apart of the United States Armed Forces because a global war is happening and it’s your duty to serve knowing you can die and leave behind your family to protect the lives of the innocent is a whole other thing entirely. On the surface if you looked out your window and see a bunch of dudes singing to a guy, you would think that it’s weird and embarrassing for the guy. Well not when its the Navy Marching Song being sung to a Navy War Vet. And when I say War Vet, I mean War Vet. Guy lived through the start of Pearl Harbor all the way through till the day America made Japan kowtow to us. Incredible. Its the pinnacle of a fraternity that I know I could never be apart of and if given the opportunity, I wouldn’t last. Just don’t have the stuff Ernest Thompson has. So hopefully all I can do is use this blog post as a salute to him and all that Vets do and did for us.
Sometimes I hate growing up where I did. Relatively large population in nice neighborhood homes with one spectrum being retirement center and the other being the Miami nightlife. Local legends aren’t born from places like that. They’re born in places like Longville, Minnesota and that’s what we have with Bruno here. Almost as if he appears out of no where out in the ether he just walks 4 miles all around town. Says hi to the Ice cream man. Stops for some cold cuts from the Deli counter. Says hi to all the folks in town getting gas. Never bothers anyone, no one dares bother Bruno. Just go on about his day. What really bothers me though is how come the school hasn’t adopted him already? How is he not in City Hall in the Mayors office? What’s a better mascot then Bruno? He’s got the heart of an angel yet the tenacity to never be held down. That’s all you need on the playing field. Heart and tenacity. Let all the schools coming in on Friday night in the fall know that this is Bruno’s town and with his spirit, they’re gonna beat the shit out of you. You try to tackle a receiver, the spirit of Bruno guides him past your safety like Bruno dodges traffic on his 4 mile stroll. They’re begging for mercy to not run the score up? Bruno doesn’t stop. The citizens of Longville, Minnesota don’t stop. Kills me that I grew up in boring ass Cooper City. Probably could’ve done so much more is Bruno was in my life growing up.