Screen Rant: John Wick – Chapter 2 ****SPOILERS*****

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Welcome back, folks to another episode of Screen Rants with Ed Lee. Almost the big award show in the Oscars and I still have yet to watch a majority of the movies but thats okay because this past week I went to go see 50 Shades Darker cause I wanted to see what its like to be in a room full of chicks cumming their pants but to make sure i maintained my masculinity I went and saw John Wick: Chapter 2. John Wick, man. What a weird cult following it’s gotten. Shane Falco will always be my boy but I could’ve sworn his career died in the Matrix after freeing the world or whatever. Honestly before the Wick series the last thing I saw of his was Constantine which was good for what it was (i saw Street Kings but you can’t claim you saw it if you’re still actively trying to forget it). 11 year gap pretty much where I only acknowledged his roles as John Constantine, Shane Falco, Neo, Jack Traven or the G.O.A.T. Johnny Utah.

Every other character he’s played doesn’t matter. Then outta no where after an 11 year gap all i heard from people across all spectrum was John Wick. John Wick this, John Wick that. As far as I knew, it looked like a cheesy action thriller, and it kinda is, but still somehow good. It’s like our modern day version of Boondock Saints. If I were to tell you some Irish micks just decided one day they had to go on a killing spree because god told them to after they got drunk, I would tell you its probably a bit of a cheesy action movie, but yet we love it. In the end though the only thing different is Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day was laughable garbage, where John Wick: Chapter 2 was awesome. Doesn’t bother having an overly complicated story line or plot twist. It just kind of lives in its hit-man universe where the rules are pretty straight forward and invites as much shooting and fighting as humanly possibly. Over all I give it a 7.7 tied with the first John Wick. The first one was a bit more compelling with a whole revenge story, but this second one had some elements of that, and maybe I haven’t seen the first one in a bit, but the action in this was awesome. Might be a bit better than the first one and also deserve props for taking a cult classic and transcending the equal into a mainstream action movie (R.I.P The Fast and the Furious’ legacy [except I totally watch the shit out of every ridiculous movie in that franchise]).

KEANU REEVES: Football Guy?

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I just want to take a minute to talk about Keanu Reeves as the person we know him as. As one doesn’t really like to see the sausage get made, I almost don’t want to know the real Keanu Reeves. Don’t want to know what makes the guy tick. Every time I see him in interviews he’s kinda wacky and flamboyant and talks really loud with his hands if that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice, charitable, humble guy who’s successful and has a number of roles that have defined the action movie zeitgeist (idk if i used that word correctly, if I did it kinda makes me a really good writer. low risk, high reward). I don’t know why I thought this based on two movies but I always thought growing up that Keanu Reeves was a huge Football Guy. Played an Ohio State QB twice. TWICE. In two separate movie universes. An All-American at Ohio State who made it to the Sugar Bowl and then WON the Rose Bowl and would’ve gone pro if he didn’t get his knee nuked in the 4th quarter. Such a shame. But if that wasn’t enough, there was a little nod in Speed where he figured out the bus had live recording because he realized Dennis Hopper can see that Annie’s wearing an Arizona Wildcat jacket. Really hurt my heart when I found out he’s some Canadian boy who has no idea about the game at all (sorry If i just told all of you out there that Santa isn’t real). A little bit of hope though, is that Keanu has laced up the skates before and played goalie.

Keanu Reeves, goalie coach, circa 1981. Author: The Hockey News

Keanu Reeves, goalie coach, circa 1981. Author: The Hockey News

If anything you know who Keanu Reeves kinda reminds me of? Like an older sci-fi action star version of Taylor Kitsch. This is solely based on the fact that they have roles where they definitely can pull off long hair and have played hockey but they both kind of have a similar builds. Not overly bulky, Canadian, hockey, movies and what not. Relatively quite celebrities and both have played football on screen. But enough about all that. This isn’t about Keanu Reeves or football. This is about John Wick. Which brings me to my next talking point…..

JOHN WICK IS TOM BRADY

x3psv2iComing to theaters soon after TB12’s fifth Super Bowl win in a historic overtime comeback, this has to be the first comparison that comes to mind. Its everything from the durability to take hit after hit and still perform at an elite level to the fact that he terrifies every major player in the game the way that Tom Brady is the Boogeyman to every single player/personnel in the AFC. Just for a second entertain the notion that the one week after Tom Brady had a horrible game agaisnt Kansas was like his retirement considering every ESPN analyst marked Tom as done. Well the next week was officially him/John Wick coming out of retirement and put on 2 killing sprees that shocks the entire world. Both men of focus, commitment, and sheer will. We saw Tom Brady kill 31 teams with a football. Both men that can dress sharply and look impeccable in a suit and can hit a target within a dime. Simply put, John Wick is Tom Brady. Some where in a quiet modern house tucked away in a remote suburban neighborhood is John Wick quietly eating kale and avocado ice cream with pink Himalayan sea salts and avoiding nightshades so he can be an elite assassin and take hit after hit well into his 50’s and is ready to lace and load em up ready for the next kill. Baba Yaga. The Boogeyman. JW12.

UPDATE:

IMDB no longer has a comment section which effectively cuts down half the blog. What the fuck IMDB? You’re kinda killing my job here. Well lets keep the bad news rolling. Keanu Reeves didn’t fuck a lot of chicks even though they were cumming their pants. Sad!screen-shot-2017-02-20-at-7-46-45-am

Screen Rant: Live By Night ***SPOILERS****

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As you guys know from my previous Screen Rant post about The Accountant that I’m an Affleck guy. He’s a guys guy that just wants to make good movies that usually somehow pertain to Boston. Nothing wrong with that. But this time maybe I’m wondering if I can only take a new movie of his in doses. The Accountant came out not to long ago so I feel like I might be too Affleck’ed in this very moment but none the less, I had to go see the next Benny Boston’s directed movie, Live By Night.

This one was an interesting one. I’ll say off the bat it’s not bad but its not great. I feel like there might be a little bit of a Netflix syndrome with me but I feel like a story like this should be done in episodes just because its kind of this long saga condensed into one movie. That or just start the movie at a different place. I mean when I walked into it, I thought it was a Prohibition gangster movie in Boston, then it was a romance story, then for 5 minutes it was a revenge plot that went away for just about the rest of the film, then its a smuggling ring in Ybor city near Tampa mixed with a little love plot, then its a Rivalry story with the KKK and then finally it comes back around to the revenge story line. Just seems like a lot of different stories wrapped up in one movie done only good, not great. I will say the pacing and cinematography is on point. Always has a strong action beat where i never was bored. But the story and depth was just missing a little bit because they had to got through a lot of story in a 2 hour time span. IMDB so far has it at 6.8 which doesn’t seem off but it feels like a very unjustified 6.8. Its not Affleck’s best but definitely shouldn’t be a 6.8. I bump it to a 7.00 nothing more nothing less. The Accountant got a 7.4 and that’s about an idiot savant accountant dropping 50 cal bullets on a dime. That premise alone you wouldn’t think is worth anything over 7 compared to the generally well received typical Mob 20’s era movie. I give it a 7. Great number, great name.

The Classic Ben Affleck Ending

I’ve determined that my measure on if I like a Ban Affleck movie comes down to the end. So far all my favorite Affleck movies has him ending a very specific way. Where he doesn’t end up with someone he truly cares about but knows in the end he’s doing the right thing and that makes him happy and he gives a slight smile. That’s the signature Affleck moment and it happens all the time in the best and classic Affleck films.

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-2-01-04-pmWhen a young Holden realizes he was wrong and was the reason his relationship ended with with Alyssa but is in the end happy for her even though he knows they probably wont get back together.

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-2-09-09-pmIn Good Will Hunting when his goofy teenage looking self realizes he lost his best friend meant he listened to his advice to succeed in life and not be some southie low life.

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-1-49-10-pmWhen Capt. Rafe McCawley loses his best friend since childhood, Capt. Danny Walker, in the Doolittle raid to bomb japan in retaliations to one of the worst attacks in US history. Yea they had a rocky falling out when they were intertwined in a love triangle with Kate Backinsale but it was really complicated. They squashed that beef when they decided they needed to enact revenge for Pearl Harbor, but when Danny dies in combat, Rafe makes damn sure he did right by Danny by taking care the loves of his life, his son and wife. (this one makes me cry every time and you don’t then fuck you.)

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-2-03-42-pmWhen it was time for Doug MacRay to finally leave bean town behind, his life of crime behind, and unfortunately the love of his life behind. For their safety he just couldn’t be with her, because he knows he has to pay for the things he’s done. Be he knows he’ll see her again one day, this side or the other.

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-2-26-44-pmThe time when Tony Mendez misses out on his family time with his kid even though ultimately it was his chidrens toys and movies which spawned a genius plan to rescue 6 U.S. Diplomats from the hostile city of Tehran under the guise as a Canadian film crew planning on filming a sci-fi epic using Iran has a location for the shoot. I don’t remember if the whole missing his family thing was a huge part or not so maybe this only half counts? But then again rescuing 6 U.S. Diplomats should count like 3 times as much so this fully counts.

screen-shot-2017-01-21-at-1-55-50-pmThe time when Christian Wolff keeps Anna Kendricks out of harms way because she is genuinely one of the first person in the world that Christian, a high functioning autistic savant accountant that’s trained in hand to hand combat and martial arts along with proficiency with every known firearm, has ever made a connection with. Must be hard to let someone go when she might be your only true friend that gets you, but he knows he did the right thing by moving on. Oh and he gives her like a 10 million dollar painting .

Well add Live By Night to the list with an asterisk next to it. The movie suffers from a lack of deep connection between a lot of the characters.  Mainly, spoilers, his wife who dies, but there’s no real deep connection between the two on screen. It’s just kind of an assumed love. Huge miss there. I had a deep connection all these other times. I mean Doug MacCray and his 1st true love that changed him, his best genius friend who would’ve spent his whole life pounding rocks with him, his best friend that died in combat. All have a very strong impact that give that quintessential Affleck moment all worth it. This one is there but it’s just a bit lacking. probably the weakest of the group.

Saying the Title of the Movie within the Movie

Not sure if i just missed it or they didn’t say it but they teased the shit out of it. I wanted that Peter Griffin moment of joy when they say it. I get in some movies they wont. I don’t think they said it in The Town, but he kinda gave me blue balls when there was the conversation between Afflecks character and the girl he was in love with when she says “we could sleep by day…..” and then I’m pretty sure they just stop talking and giggle. What the fuck man? If you’re not gonna have that moment in the movie that’s fine, but to bring my dick to the point where I’m about to cum and then stop stroking and give me blue balls while you giggle and talk is just plain wrong.

IMDB Commenters

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Of all the places to walk out why would you walk out on the KKK part? When it came up I had completely forgotten KKK was even involved in this movie so Ben just walking out to 3 grand wizard dragon fools burning a cross in front of his bar was a little bit of a shock to the system. And once you found out the KKK leader was an annoying motherfucker you just wanted to see him get his shit axed. How do you walk out on that?

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Can confirm, No affleck cock scene.

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Hey Marktarnovetsky, you watch your fucking mouth. The Town was awesome.

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Scott Eastwood was not in this movie, Trayoder.

 

Blackberry Is Planning On Releasing Another Phone And I’m Conflicted As Fuck

What was once the integral appendage to any self-respecting businessman’s hand, became the trendy addiction of 16-year-olds… so Blackberry had to adapt from their four apps and use Android so kids could play fruit ninja. Just when you thought you had moved on to a sophisticated iPhone 7 and were ready to leave the awesome full QWERTY keyboard for good, TCL go and bring out a brand new Blackberry ‘Mercury’ (unconfirmed name). The Chinese tech giant TCL is planning to reinvigorate the brand with a focus on security, productivity and reliability – but they’re keeping the old QWERTY keyboard (they couldn’t get rid of that). The Android handset, which claims to offer ‘the most complete end-to-end smartphone security available on Android’, will be previewed at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) this weekend, Mashable reports.Due to Blackberry’s dwindling success in recent years, market researchers think the new phone could be a suicide mission for TCL. I, on the other hand, have no doubt that everyone’s inner Blackberry-obsessed teenager will awaken at the sight of the keyboard.

Unilad- What was once the integral appendage to any self-respecting businessman’s hand, became the trendy addiction of 16-year-olds… so Blackberry had to adapt from their four apps and use Android so kids could play fruit ninja.
Just when you thought you had moved on to a sophisticated iPhone 7 and were ready to leave the awesome full QWERTY keyboard for good, TCL go and bring out a brand new Blackberry ‘Mercury’ (unconfirmed name).
The Chinese tech giant TCL is planning to reinvigorate the brand with a focus on security, productivity and reliability – but they’re keeping the old QWERTY keyboard (they couldn’t get rid of that).
The Android handset, which claims to offer ‘the most complete end-to-end smartphone security available on Android’, will be previewed at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) this weekend, Mashable reports.Due to Blackberry’s dwindling success in recent years, market researchers think the new phone could be a suicide mission for TCL.
I, on the other hand, have no doubt that everyone’s inner Blackberry-obsessed teenager will awaken at the sight of the keyboard.

You know the scene in Pearl Harbor where Kate Beckinsale thinks Ben Afflecks dead and so Josh Hartnett comes in to console her and the two end up falling in love with each other but then like a phoenix from the ashes Ben Affleck comes back for his love one? Well now I fully understand what she was going through because I’m emotional torn to shit. If you don’t know by now I’m one of the few left on this planet that still uses a Blackberry. Hubris leaking out my ears for my Blackberry. Always assumed all the big wigs used them. I remember when I Ari Gold use one I was hooked and thought to myself maybe if i had one i could sign a bunch of movie stars and fire people like they mean nothing. Just ruthless business. Well as the world turns and technology advances my berry is clinging on the last remains of it’s useful life. Got an outdated version of Instagram, Facebook that loads up in a web browser and Twitter that takes 2 hours to refresh. Half my family around the world couldn’t wish me a Happy New Year because my Whats app app is outdated and no longer functioning past New Years on midnight. Can’t hail an Uber in a pinch if i needed too or fire off dick pic snaps on Snapchat. All this time I’ve been keeping up with the world with a blackberry in one hand and an iPod touch in the other in hopes that that was enough.

It came to my realization like last week that this couldn’t keep up and that I needed to change things. It was finally time I was going to give up and convert fully to an iPhone. One year to wait in hopes of getting the new iPhone 8 because all the other blackberry models just didn’t do it for me. Then outta no where….Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I always said if there was a version of Blackberry I liked, I’d ride with them to the death. Should I concede? I’m so use to the iPod it might as well be an iPhone. I don’t know if I could honestly make a decision between the two to the point where I wish both phones went on a secret suicide mission to bomb hiroshima in a couple of B-25 bombers and which ever comes back is the one i chose to love and spend the rest of my life with even though I’m carrying the child of the fallen smartphone named after itself.

Esteban Santiago Was The Airport Shooter, Ft. Lauderdale Resident Esteban Guzman-Santiago Is Not

Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony. "Is this the guy???" someone wrote. Chimed in another, "I'd be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that." Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they'd found their guy. "Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death," a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message . In the comments on Guzman-Santiago's video, others debated whether they'd truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn't the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn't look like it was filmed in an airport. "Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime," one woman wrote. In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours. That didn't stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He'd had enough. "Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter," he said in a Facebook Live video, "I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?" He added that if he was the shooter, "I wouldn't be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way." In an interview with New Times, Guzman-Santiago says it was nerve-wracking that people assumed he was the culprit — especially when he got the phone call. He's dismayed people were so quick to jump to conclusions. And he worries about how the name association will follow him. "When you go somewhere and they're like, 'Oh, your name is Esteban Santiago,' and you verify your name, even though they may not say something in the moment, in the back of their head, they might be worried, 'Is he in any way associated with this guy?'" Guzman-Santiago says. The man believed to have carried out the shooting, which happened just before 1 p.m. in the baggage claim area of Terminal 2, is a 26-year-old U.S. Army veteran who served in Iraq. In November, according to the Miami Herald, he visited an FBI office in Anchorage, where he was reportedly living, to confess he felt compelled to fight for ISIS. He was sent for psychiatric help. A Facebook profile belonging to that Esteban Santiago has already disappeared from the site.

MNT- Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony.
“Is this the guy???” someone wrote. Chimed in another, “I’d be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that.”
Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they’d found their guy.
“Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death,” a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message .
In the comments on Guzman-Santiago’s video, others debated whether they’d truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn’t the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn’t look like it was filmed in an airport.
“Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime,” one woman wrote.
In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours.
That didn’t stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He’d had enough.
“Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter,” he said in a Facebook Live video, “I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?”
He added that if he was the shooter, “I wouldn’t be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way.”

Classic. We’ve hit that point in the world where normal names aren’t good enough anymore. Gotta follow suit like the celebrities and name your kid something crazy or else they might get confused with some other domestic terrorist. It’s like when Elaine started dating another Joel Rifkin and had her co worker and  Giants fans in an uproar when they thought she was dating a domestic terrorist. You’re just begging for trouble if you associate the same name. The worst part though are some of the comments coming through. I’m sure I would be pretty pissed off when people are accusing me of a major atrocity and issuing death threats to me, but I could at least look on the bright side and know my Klout score went through the roof. Social media buzz in this day and age is worth it’s weight in gold if you can manipulate it. But it must of been a real kick in the dick when all these people are accusing the innocent Esteban because “his face looked like that.” Or people wondering if that was him because of his body size. Like accusing someone of being a mass murderer is one thing. A person can easily shrug that off considering he would know if he was in fact a murderer, but he also definitely probably knows if he’s a fat guy and if he’s ugly or not. Such a shame. It’s probably gonna stick with him for awhile so he might as well go with a different name for a few years. Just don’t go with a name like Ned or Todd. Ned is the type of guy who buys irregular underwear, and you’ll never meet a normal Todd, that’s like asking to be accused of being a killer again.

Do People Think David Blaine Is A Good Magician? Do They Still Think That After He Accidentally Shot Himself In The Mouth

MAGICIAN David Blaine is known for his crazy stunts, but he has risked death in his latest trick — which saw him shoot himself in the mouth. The 43-year-old’s show Beyond Magic, which aired this week, showed a clip of him spitting out frogs to a live audience which included footballer David Beckham, The Sun reports. The show’s main event was Blaine’s famous bullet catch, which he first attempted in 2010. Blaine has revamped the trick by pulling the trigger on himself, in front of 20,000 people at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Garden Arena. The performer prepared for the dangerous trick by allowing friends to shoot him in the chest, while wearing a bulletproof vest. He was then fitted with a special gum shield to hold a metal cup, in which Blaine would catch the bullet. But the cup was slipping in and out of the grooves of the mouth guard, showing the first sign of later problems. Blaine held a rope attached to the rifle, while the laser pointed to the spot where the bullet would hit. As Blaine tugged on the rope, the bullet was fired into the cup — but the gum shield shattered in the process. Speaking over the action, Blaine’s narration explained: “Time just started to move really slow. “When the bullet struck the cup, there was a high-pitched ringing in my ears and I felt an impact on the back of my throat. “I was sure the bullet went right through my head and that I was dead. “Suddenly I became aware of the pain and it brought me back. At that moment I realised that the mouth guard had shattered again, and I was alive.” After being checked over by doctors, Blaine discovered that he had a lacerated throat — and his friends have refused to assist with the death-defying stunt ever again. But, shockingly, Blaine still plans to do the trick in his upcoming world tour. This story originally appeared in The Sun and is republished here with permission.

Daily Telegraph- MAGICIAN David Blaine is known for his crazy stunts, but he has risked death in his latest trick — which saw him shoot himself in the mouth.
The 43-year-old’s show Beyond Magic, which aired this week, showed a clip of him spitting out frogs to a live audience which included footballer David Beckham, The Sun reports.
The show’s main event was Blaine’s famous bullet catch, which he first attempted in 2010.
Blaine has revamped the trick by pulling the trigger on himself, in front of 20,000 people at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Garden Arena.
The performer prepared for the dangerous trick by allowing friends to shoot him in the chest, while wearing a bulletproof vest.
He was then fitted with a special gum shield to hold a metal cup, in which Blaine would catch the bullet.
But the cup was slipping in and out of the grooves of the mouth guard, showing the first sign of later problems.
Blaine held a rope attached to the rifle, while the laser pointed to the spot where the bullet would hit.
As Blaine tugged on the rope, the bullet was fired into the cup — but the gum shield shattered in the process.
Speaking over the action, Blaine’s narration explained: “Time just started to move really slow.
“When the bullet struck the cup, there was a high-pitched ringing in my ears and I felt an impact on the back of my throat.
“I was sure the bullet went right through my head and that I was dead.
“Suddenly I became aware of the pain and it brought me back. At that moment I realised that the mouth guard had shattered again, and I was alive.”
After being checked over by doctors, Blaine discovered that he had a lacerated throat — and his friends have refused to assist with the death-defying stunt ever again.
But, shockingly, Blaine still plans to do the trick in his upcoming world tour.
This story originally appeared in The Sun and is republished here with permission.

I fucking hate David Blaine. Guy thinks he’s some more worldly deep introspective type of guy. Bro you’re a fucking magician. You perform tricks and are here to entertain idiots walking around New York City. Don’t even understand how the fuck he’s still around. Like not like he does any dazzling tricks that makes me contemplate whether or not he has some paranormal ability. Half the time it’s just shit where he doesn’t have to move for a few hours. I guess thats the magic am I right? Not the fact that he’s doing anything special, but the illusion that he does something vastly profound and unbelievable just because of the height he’s doing it from. Sitting on a platform 100 feet in the air, sleeping in a box under a tank of water. It’s all just not moving but as long as there’s some element of risk it’s like he made an elephant fly and vanish in mid air.

Well add this to his list of things he does that are neat at first but with some thought, aren’t that impressive at all. Shooting into a guard thingy? I get it’s risking life or death but i doubt he was firing a .308 here. I’m pretty sure it was probably a .22lr hollow point. Fragments on impact and doesn’t penetrate much. Dick Cheney could walk that off. Next, that gun is clamped the fuck down. Movement to the left or right could’ve fucked up his face for sure, but not like its gonna fly up and hit him dead ass in the brain. Rig it up to have a hair pin trigger then there’s not much wiggle from him in case it fucks up. It’s dumb to do yea, but I could recreate that same trick and pull it off in like 5 tries. Maybe to these wussy Brits who’ve never held a gun before think he’s gonna some how miraculously survive having a 1 oz lead slug exploding his brain, but its more equivalent to catching a fast but tiny pebble in the same exact spot it will always hit. It’s dumb and I wish it was a .50 BMG instead.

The Far From Comprehensive Break Down Of The 2017 Golden Globes

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Award season is finally upon us. It’s the playoffs for cinema and we’re about to come into the 1st divisional round when it comes to film awards, The Golden Globes. The precursor to determine which film will most likely come away with the grand daddy of awards, the Oscars. We’re more than likely to get a bunch of “The Award Shows are so white washed!” Well luckily for you guys, I’m not white, I’m Asian, a race that’s equally as disparaged when it comes to taking home the glory in the arts of cinema. But what I also am, is equal (false, Im massively biased), and here today I’m gonna give you guys my predictions for who rightfully deserves to take home the hardware….Even though I’ve only seen like 2 of the films…. Oh and I’m not picking every category, only the ones that actually matter.

Best Motion Picture, Drama

  • Hacksaw Ridge
  • Hell or High Water
  • Lion
  • Manchester by the Sea
  • Moonlight

Not gonna lie, I was BAFFLED when I saw Hacksaw Ridge on the list. Never saw the movie but I just thought Andrew Garfield’s accent was too absurd. Didn’t come off natural. Based on the accent alone from the trailer i dont think it warrants an 8.5 on IMDB but maybe Mel Gibson shines through as a director. Hell or High Water and Lion, both probably the lower of the 5 rated films so cross those off the list. Which leaves Manchester by the Sea and Moonlight. Now Manchester by the Sea I think I’m gonna squeeze in tomorrow just to lock down my picks, but as for Best Motion Picture Drama, I’m gonna say Moonlight takes it. Some stark looking drama about a black teen growing up in the heart of Miami during the drug war era and dealing with the sort of teen angst that comes from that area. Maybe its a homer pick, being based in Miami, but I think they might pick it cause It honestly is probably the most dramatic of the bunch all around, but also because they probably don’t want to be scrutinized as racist white Aryans.

Best Motion Picture, Musical, or Comedy

  • 20th Century Women
  • Deadpool
  • Florence Foster Jenkins
  • La La Land
  • Sing Street

I’m gonna make this very clear. It’s La La Land. You Know it, I know it. Vegas knows it at -5000. Of the group I only saw 2 of these, La La Land and Deadpool. I refuse to believe Deadpool will win, mostly because I thought the movie was  so average and over rated, but because La La Land was absolutely delightful. If i had to pick a dark horse it would maybe go to Florence Foster Jenkins just because of the cast? But I’m pretty sure La La Land will come away with it. One of the most critisized review i heard of about it was that it was like The Artist, which that home took home the Oscar for best flick. Do think it’s crazy to loop Musical with comedy but regardless, La La Land. Can’t wait to see the suit Gosling comes in. Im guessing blue suit, black lapel.

Best Performance By an Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama

  • Amy Adams, Arrival
  • Jessica Chastain, Miss Sloane
  • Isabelle Huppert, Elle
  • Ruth Negga, Loving
  • Natalie Portman, Jackie

Lol I don’t know what any of these movies are. Kinda hard not to go with the chalk here. It’s gonna be Natalie Portman for Jackie. Don’t think many other movies are making much noise and as much as I would like to think every judge watches every thing that becomes nominated and taken every film and performance into consideration, they don’t. And in the end, this isn’t about the film, its about the Actress in the film and their performance.  Natty P takes it and adds to her list of fancy accolades.

Best Performance By an Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy

  • Annette Bening, 20th Century Women
  • Lily Collins, Rules Don’t Apply
  • Hailee Steinfeld, The Edge of Seventeen
  • Emma Stone, La La Land
  • Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

When it comes to awards, kinda hard to pick the best picture so and so, and not have the main actor or actress accompany it if they’re nominated. But also kinda weird to say Emma Stone won a golden globe and possibly win an Oscar. I mean if the shoe fits it fits and right now Emma Stone’s the favorite at -600 on Bovada. Might change her perception to me as the normal teen chick of Hollywood. The only other logical pick would be Meryl Streep because of her name and clout but even she isn’t even the next favorite, instead it’s Annette Bening for 20th Century Women. Don’t trust that pick so for now I’m just gonna roll with Stone.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama

  • Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
  • Joel Edgerton, Loving
  • Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
  • Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
  • Denzel Washington, Fences

Again, I get blown away by the fact that Andrew Garfield is on this list for a Mel Gibson movie with his stereotypical southern drawl, maybe next year for Silence but I doubt this year is his year. Also kinda hard to argue that it isn’t Casey Affleck’s year. That’s all everyone’s talking about is Manchester by the Sea this Manchester by the Sea that. Hope i go and squeeze it in tomorrow and i hope it blows just because i love to be contrarian but as for now it seems the loser brother of the Affleck family finally gets his shine. Dark horse pick though would be Denzel because Denzel is a bad ass and Fences looks pretty good, I just don’t like the name. Still picking Affleck though.

Best Director, Motion Picture

  • Damien Chazelle, La La Land
  • Tom Ford, Nocturnal Animals
  • Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
  • Barry Jenkins, Moonlight
  • Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea

No idea who the favorite is because they didn’t list their odds on Bovada. And between the 3 main picks I had in mind this is what my friend had to say.screen-shot-2017-01-07-at-2-29-59-pmThat’s film analysis from a student attending the prestigious Ivy League Columbia University for film. The upper echelon of academia giving their most knowledgeable opinion.   So here’s where I’m gonna have to blindly shoot from the hip/ not google any of the odds. Tom Ford is a fashion guy and I hate that just because of his fashionista artsy eye he dabbled into film. I didn’t see his 1st film and i didn’t see this one but over rated. Cross him off. Mel Gibson and hacksaw ridge? next. Manchester by the Sea has to be in contention just because it’s one of the main 3 talked about film of this whole race but it’s not gonna be the one. It’s between Barry Jenkins and Damien Chazelle, and my pick is Chazelle for La La Land. Critics loved his shit last year for Whiplash, this year he takes one for La La Land.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical, or Comedy

  • Colin Farrell, The Lobster
  • Ryan Gosling, La La Land
  • Hugh Grant, Florence Foster Jenkins
  • Jonah Hill, War Dogs
  • Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool

Gosling fucking dances his dick off in La La Land. NEXT

Best Screenplay, Motion Picture

  • La La Land
  • Nocturnal Animals
  • Moonlight
  • Manchester by the Sea
  • Hell or High Water

No real clue which one will take it here. This feels like an award that you kinda have to watch the movie in order to really judge. It’s not about the star power or performance of an actor or actress. Honestly i can see any of the 5 in the field take away best screen play mostly because i can’t really give an answer so based on that I’m gonna say Nocturnal Animals or Hell or High Water. That way if you do bet it and they win, you get a huge ass pay out.

Best Motion Picture, Animated

  • Kubo and the Two Strings
  • Moana
  • My Life as a Zucchini
  • Sing
  • Zootopia

My Life as a Zucchini? What the fuck was that? Sing, kind of a late round addition i feel like since it wasn’t that big of a deal. Kubo and the Two Strings, I literally didn’t hear a single thing about it. Can’t tell you if its good or bad. Now Zootopia on the other hand was a smash hit and it also has my girl Shakira in it. Now normally that would just solidify my pick but I’m gonna go with Moana here. First off  The Rock’s baby mama is my neighbor so if they win maybe I can say congrats to Dwayne as he picks up his daughter to fly out to the red carpet. But other than that, Lin Manuel Miranda is all famous all over Hollywood for Hamilton. He’s basking in the lime light now just cleaning up in fame. Gotta go with Moana.

p.s- If Shakira walked into my room, morphed into a Gazelle and was like “Baby I want you so bad”….you bet your ass i would.

Best Television Series, Drama

  • The Crown
  • Game of Thrones
  • Stranger Things
  • This Is Us
  • Westworld

Last on my list of awards I care about. Now it doesn’t really fall in line with the genre of Drama but you bet your ass I’m going with Stranger Things. More likely than not it’ll go to something like The Crown but fuck that. Stranger Things was the best thing on TV. Just never felt a wide range of emotions and still enjoyed watching a show so much. So I dare them. I dare these white washed old people who pick the winners try to stare 5 kids in the eye who acted their metaphorical dicks off (cause one if a girl) in one of the worlds favorite tv show of 2016 and tell them they’re not the winner. I dare them.

 

Screen Rant: Assassin’s Creed ***SPOILERS***

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Here we are about to hit Movie awards season with a few days away from the Golden Globes. Thought to myself I had to come with more heat for all of you out there who just need my opinions and dialogue about one of the most enjoyable forms of art and entertainment. So many movies coming out that deserve nominations like La La Land, Manchester by the Sea, I hear Natalie Portman is good in Jackie. So what do I do? I decide to watch the video game turned movie Assassin’s Creed.

Now I’m not a big video game guy which means I’m even less of a video game movie guy but i still recognized that Assassin’s Creed was a video game all the kids talked about on the school yard. The movie, however, stunk. Probably not as bad as i think but I just didn’t care about it. Kind of bored watching it somehow even though people are jumping around on screen and killing people but just not my cup of tea. Maybe if i was still in high school in 2006 when the parkour Youtube craze hit the internet to coincide with the movie I would think it’s cool but as a late 20’s guy who has to deal with the real world and shit, It’s corny and only okay. The acting I’m sure was fine, it’s purely a story thing for me. For some reason regular high power, high income rich guys are trying to stop “assassin’s” by retrieving some sort of metal orb that is the Apple of Eden that contains a genetic code of free will? and some how that will stop violence? So they’ve been doing that up until modern time by creating some god damn roller coaster machine that plugs into your brain like the matrix and brings up projected images of the past so they can try to find out where the fuck this ancient alien orb is? See what I mean, just sounds crazy and maybe the story line can be explained more by playing a 60 hour video game but I’m pretty sure once you put down your play station controller and take a couple of deep breaths you could see the plot is just a tad bit extreme and you need to either buy into it or not and me personally I didn’t. Overall score is a 6. Parkour is a gimmick and I don’t care for gimmicks but the action scenes are decent just didn’t care for the story though.

The Leap of Faith

Guess this is a huge thing in the game? The people just climb tall building structures just to jump down with their arms spread out like a cross and it’s suppose to be cool or something? I’m sure seeing it hte first time would send blood to the dick just from the pure adrenaline but in the end it’s just them falling down. They intentionally climb tall structures just to jump off them. One part in the film he’s about to jump and the Marion Cotillard character looks like he’s about to achieve the greatest thing in the world. Like how in Zoolander everyone was blown away when he was able to turn left and give the world Magnum which was so marvelous it was able to stop a ninja star in mid air. The difference being that that is an early 2000’s comedy movie and this one is some scifi/fantasy type movie that takes jumping off a clock tower too seriously.

You Know What Would Make Killing Assassins Easier? A Gun

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I don’t know what the government approved weapon carrying policy is for large businesses that is in the field of detaining prisoners who have been legally pronounced dead that are actually still alive and are now are being used for scientific research to trigger past memories from ancestors that were apart of a clandestine society of assassins, to study the history of violence and whether or not violence is curable, but I would have a gun. Their room is littered with antiquated weapons that are certainly outdated since the 1500 that they can possibly use however all you do to arm yourself in a room of ex-con’s and murderers is a billy club. Maybe mix in some riot control gear like a shotgun or something that can actually stop a adrenaline filled and fit ninja guy like a .357 magnum. You know something with decent amount of stopping power. Not to mention, their wrist knife thing just seems like an unsafe weapon on their own behalf. The same way I always wondered if in Star Wars anyone accidentally sliced their leg in half twirling a light saber around, well these wrist pop up knives are asking for a nice gash on the fingers. If I had my druthers it would go on top of the wrist so you could be a bad ass like Wolverine and not a risk a 5 inch switch blade shooting through the palms of your hands.

This Girlscreen-shot-2017-01-04-at-3-36-22-pm

I would enjoy having sex with her. I can’t remember her characters name, what her real name is, if this photo is even the same girl as the one in the movie but i would enjoy having sexual intercourse with this girl/the assassin chick in the movie, knives and garbs included.

P.s- Marion Cotillard still sucks

IMDB COMMENTERS

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Well i guess that kinda helps their argument to the knife blade thing but i still contend that it should be on top of the hand and can still do the same thing without chopping off a finger. So along with them explaining why they chop off the finger, they should also explain why the wrist palm side is better than back  side.

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I was going to get into a dialogue about how they might all be a group of Jews or Israelite from Persia but my brain doesn’t know and is currently incapable of writing that.

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1.) She sucks, that’s all you need to know

2.) People die, knifes and bow and arrows and shit.

3.) Read this blog to find out.

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This person probably reads the blog.

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Hey VVolfySnackrib, you friend probably pops on Shame and fingers her self until her mattress is like a water logged sponge. Should go with her to see more Fassbender flicks and you’d probably get some runoff.

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This movie sucked at explaining shit.

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No idea how that thing could be so space aged but they should’ve launched it into the sun.

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Love a good Uwe Boll comment on video game movies.

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Yo on google it said the movie was 2 hours and 20 minutes long and was just going to give up the 10 dollar ticket. (it was only 2 hours)

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I hate this person. Rogue One was awesome. Assassin’s creed was a dump.

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I can’t tell if the response is real or trolling. Sounds like something made up very fast and if that’s real then the writers should think about that fact.