Strippers Attending Funerals In China Is Being Frowned Upon By The Chinese Government

National Post
The practice of hiring funeral strippers in rural China faces tighter curbs after the government announced cash rewards for people who report them to a special hotline.
The ministry of culture said it was targeting “striptease” and other “obscene, pornographic, and vulgar performances” at funerals, weddings and traditional new year public gatherings.
Authorities started clamping down on the practice in 2006 and began a second campaign in 2015. The latest is focused on 19 cities in the provinces of Henan, Anhui, Jiangsu and Hebei, the ministry said on its website, which also gave the hotline number.
Communities in rural China reportedly believe such shows enourage bigger attendances at funerals in order to honour the dead and bring them good fortune. The media has blamed it on increasing materialism as the country opens up to the West, while experts say the shows pay tribute to fertility.
The Global Times reported that rural households were showing off their disposable incomes by hiring “actors, singers, comedians, and – most recently, strippers – to comfort the bereaved and entertain the mourners”.

Man let me share a personal story with y’all. When my family first came to America it was my dad, uncle, and aunties, all 7 of them, with my Grandma and Grandpa all cramped into a small one bed room apartment in the small outskirts in Chinatown, New York City. One day some low life scum bag took a pipe and hit my grandpa in the back of the head damaging his brain. Guy was never able to form memories for long. Growing up he was a quiet guy, never really spoke, just got angry and went for his daily walks around town to get a milk tea and sit at home with out making a noise. Fast Forward to a few years ago he passed away and it came time for his funeral. I was blown away. The amount of people that came to give their condolences was mind blowing because I figured only a handful of family members would come. Didn’t think he had friends because he never spoke after that day he was attacked. They all remembered him as one of Chinatowns first accountant I think? Either way a couple hundred people came and went. It was a surprise and heart warming moment to see them all come pay their respects.

Now that being said……

Hypothetically, lets say if this was a thing. If I knew Chinese chicks were around back of the funeral home grinding their asses on peoples dicks, I don’t think I would mind. It’s an emotional time people! It would be one of those things where the family hosting the funeral probably know, but you know what? It’s just nice to hear nice things people have to say about loved ones that passed. Its also nice to have a girl with a nice ass whispering sweet nothings in your ear. I mean if there was a black sheep family member at a funeral you know he doesn’t really have nice things to say and you know its a conflicted past, but the wife of the deceased probably appreciated him just being there. Probably feels some what the same way when the town gas station attendant comes to mourn the loss in sweat pants and one dollar bills sticking out his pocket. It’s such a genius business idea too. From the words of the great Chazz Reinhold “grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.”

P.s- “The media has blamed it on increasing materialism as the country opens up to the West,” Yo China, unless I’ve been lied too, I’ve been to A number of funerals and we’re not the ones telling the farming communities in China to have strippers at Funerals.

P.P.S- Besides Milk tea and being quiet to turning into the Hulk in 5 seconds, the only other thing I know for a fact about my Grandpa was he loved Sunkist. When he would stay with us in Florida, he would walk a mile for a can of Sunkist.

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A Lost In Space Series Is Coming To Netflix

 

Lost in Space might be one of the worst movies I cherish. Am I the only one with that feeling? I mean I assume for a decent amount of people out there born in the 90’s, they should feel the same way. The movie came out in 1998 and when I was the ripe age of 8 years old. Old enough to comprehend things and take in stories but not old enough to know how to say a movie is complete dog shit. That right there is nostalgia in a nut shell. I mean I remember i wanted to kiss, that’s right, not have sex with, just kiss Penny Robinson (NSFW is what I would want to do with Professor Maureen Robinson). It was an age of innocence folks. Wanted to hold hands with her while we were, in fact, lost in space. In my head Will Robinson just died and I’m just there with Penny, playing with our pet space monkey. And when I had to go on space mission I’d just hop in Will Robinson’s (RIP in my fantasy) robot that I can remote pilot so I don’t have to worry about dying.  Kid was a white Shuri with remote pilot systems. And then when we grow older and I gotta be a man on this space ship navigating through the black void of space, I get handed down the artillery of former hot shot pilot Major Don West.

That right there was the biggest thing in this movie. Not the critically claimed actors William Hurt or Gary Oldman. It was the fact that I thought mother fucking Joey Tribiani was the hottest shit in this movie. Whats even crazier is i had a Major Don West  action figure. Remove the armor and guns and I pretty much had a FRIENDS Joey Tribiani toy. But there was no deny the fact that to the average 8 year old in 1998, dude was cool. I mean he was on a hit T.V show known for having sex when he wasn’t a meatball sub loving idiot. And shit I loved Meatball subs too. But it was the simple fact that the dude was like Iron Man before Iron Man.You see that shit? It doesn’t have the same functioning speed but that’s the Iron Man Mark 46 suit in a nut shell with out the bells and whistles of the actually full body suit and a functioning F.R.I.D.A.Y. AI interface and repulsor blasters or missiles. Yea its just a collapsible helmet but it was cool as shit to know you can get ready to fuck up some space spiders in a snap of a finger.

As far as the Netflix show goes, this is just a teaser so who knows really how it’ll turn out. All I know is they got to crank up the tech of Major West if they want this shit to be good. And as far as the Judy character goes, I guess they got some light skin black chick to play the role? Maybe going for an adopted sister story line? Could be interesting when you can expand that to a tv show length story. And I guess the bad guy spy is a woman? Also don’t care, its 2018 so if they want to cast a woman as the lead protagonist I could care less as long as it’s good. Either way Set your Netflix reminders for April 13 so we can criticize this Netflix series if it’s good or bad but either way regardless of the fact that it doesn’t have Joey from Friends.

Hogzilla Is A Behemoth I Would Not Want To Run Into In A Back Alley

By now I have a sick feeling inside that people might be getting a bit sick and tired of the fantastic actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (His daughter happens to be my neighbor, not that that affects my opinion on him). People may scoff and ignore his next major Blockbuster release Rampage. Well how the fuck can you scoff now when the plot of it is basically happening right there there in Hong Kong. Like twice the length of the other puny hogs around him and with roughly 5000% more muscle bulk than the others. Honestly must be like a god amongst them. I mean I’ve always heard that pigs and hogs only have feeding and breeding on their mind which is why they get castrated on farms, so they only eat and grow massive for meat. Well if they can get their brains together for one second and realize they have a leader who can take on humans and rule the world if we were just going hand to hand. I mean short of a 50 cal bullet I’m not even sure other calibers can take Hogzilla out. I mean yea i know shit head poachers take out Elephants all the time but Hogs are a whole nother animal entirely, literally. Same logic where a 9mm can probably shoot any person but when a crazy coked out juiced meth head comes charging at you. It’s gonna take a couple .45 probably. Well same logic as hogzilla except times 100 and bullets look like they’ll bounce off him when he charges the streets of Hong Kong. I mean it’s eating trash! It’ll eat anything and every thing and continue to bulk up. That includes, half eaten steaks, bullets, trash, humans, skulls, etc. Guy’s such a monster it almost makes me think he’s a marketing ploy now just so people watch Rampage. I don’t want to know monsters can happen naturally out there in the wild.

As Octavia Spencer Plans On Buying Out A Screening Of “Black Panther” For Underserved Communities, I Too Want To Buy Out A Screening Except To Keep People Out Of The Theater

EW- Octavia Spencer is bringing her own brand of super-heroism to Black Panther.
The Academy Award-winning actress announced on Instagram on Wednesday that she plans to buy out a movie theatre in Mississippi, where she will be when the film opens, to offer screenings to underserved communities.
“I will be in MS when this movie opens. I think I will buy out a theatre in an underserved community there to ensure that all our brown children can see themselves as a superhero. I will let you know where and when Mississippi. Stay tuned. #KingsAndQueensWillRise,” she captioned an Instagram post that featured an image promoting the film,
Spencer previously bought out screenings of Hidden Figures in low-income neighborhoods in Los Angeles to ensure those that could not afford to see the inspiring film would be able to have the chance. Many of her Hidden Figures costars then followed suit.
Black Panther hits theaters on Feb. 16.

What a heart on Octavia Spencer. Honestly that’s so dope of her. Black Panther looks like it’s gonna be awesome and from what I’ve heard with the World Premier earlier this week, it is awesome and gonna be a huge hit. To finally have a black super hero on screen in a good movie is a great thing and for Octavia Spencer to be able to connect children that can identify with a strong and powerful character like the king of Wakanda is amazing.

All that being said, I too, have been working on buying out a screening of a big movie as well. Only problem is I’m doing it because it think it would be very very fun to cuck nerds. But see it’ll be well deserved because of how many fucking movies a year I watch and how much I spend at Regal. 50+movies last year just racking up regal points all for the ultimate goal of having enough points to buy a theater like a boss. With an average smaller theater room having around 96 seats, I know I’m far from my goal but listen, the beauty of Hollywood is they keep on pumping out the same franchise stuff over and over again. By the time Avengers 8 comes out or Star Wars episode 69 hit’s theaters lord knows how many points I would’ve accumulated by then with movie viewings and popcorn purchases. Imagine the final Star Wars movie. Yoda comes back, Luke comes back. The nerds would refinance their home for that shit opening day if they need to. But the second they hop on Fandango looking to purchase a ticket for a 10 o’clock screening and they look to reserve their seat and then they become absolutely flummoxed. Absolutely ZERO seats available. They missed out. They sneak in the theater only to find one Chinese man sitting where ever the fuck I want changing seats 90 times because the fact is all those seats are mine. And when they try to sneak in and take a seat I’ll laugh as security shames them and escorts them out of the seat because it’s reserved for me. The theater all to myself. The dream.

 

Gotta Love People Donating Their Items To Goodwill Including Their Grenade Launchers

BRADENTON, Fla. (WSVN) — Among a load of donated items, employees at a north Florida Goodwill found a grenade launcher loaded with a live grenade, deputies said.
According to the Bradenton Herald, employees at Goodwill’s Bargain Barn in Sarasota discovered the loaded weapon among items from a Bradenton store shipment on Sunday.
When employees at the Bradenton location did not know what the donated item was, they decided to send it to their Bargain Barn location. Workers at the second location called the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office about the weapon.
Deputies told the Herald they disposed of the active grenade by putting into one of the sheriff’s office Hazmat lockers, while the grenade launcher went into the department’s property room.

Do people still like going thrift shopping? Felt like it was a fad that happened all because Macklemore made 1 fucking song and then hipsters all decided it was cooler to wear poor people clothes that’s used. Assholes just thinking buying used shit gives it character. Sure thing pal, you convince your self a 90’s plain crew neck that has been vomited on and has trace amounts of cocaine is better than a new wool cardigan.

All that being said, it would be considered a huge win if you can make it out of the store with a Rocket-propelled Grenade launcher complete and loaded WITH a live functioning grenade at your local goodwill. That’s just value you can’t get on the retail market. And that’s what thrift store shopping is all about right? Finding that one special item like a mahogany hand made table or some Italian vintage armor. In this case if you were looking for a large caliber weapon that fires explosives, this is exactly the find you were looking for. Never would’ve thought about going to a goodwill but now i might have a change of heart. It’s a charitable thing to let go of things you don’t need all so you can support charity, hence it would be charitable if I peruse the local goodwill and buy some second hand heavy artillery. In the name of charity.

 

They Dropped The New Ant-Man And The Wasp Trailer

 

Here’s a fun joke you can make to Marvel nerds.

“Hey I think i got splashed with some pym particles cause something just grew in my pants after watching this trailer.”

Get it? cause the Pym Particles can make things grow, and you just received an erection probably watching this trailer.

Not much to say but to think im looking forward to this more than i thought. Honestly that might be part of the charm to the Ant-man franchise. It’s the most under rated character in the Marvel arsenal. Ant man 1 wasn’t anything spectacular but it might be in my top 10. It takes a step away from from the mass chaos that has to be the other Marvel movies. Just have a little heist action, some funny jokes from Michael Pena, and watch another piece of the Avengers movies with out having the serious tone of the fate of the world on their shoulders. Now a little notes so far from the trailer.

-The Timeline is set after Civil War obviously. I’m curious to see how it plays though because we’re going to get Infinity Wars before Ant-man even though Ant-man is going to be in Infinity Wars. And more curious now how it plays into Avengers 4 because from set photos he plays a very important part what seems like some time travel mischief.

– Lawrence Fishbourne’s Character was once Giant-man/Goliath. Curious to see who he plays in the movie. Could we get a giant vs giant fight? Speaking of which…

– Paul Rudd’s little chuckle when he went giant in Civil War warms my heart.

– I want to see what this Pym Mobile has. Cars and their gadgetry always sells and then I need to see Michael Pena rolling around in this pimped out hot rod Hyundai veloster. In a weird its a shame. Iron man gets Audi’s, there’s new Acura NSXs in Avengers, Black Panther has lexus, but here we’re stuck with the cheap ass hyundai’s for the Ant-man franchise. What ever, Blake Griffin pushes Kia’s, Ant-man pushes Hyundai and i have a strong feeling that’s Michael Pena behind the wheel for a bit.

– The fictional tech that is everything in the Marvel universe. Too see the helmet flip back and fold up into a small thing behind the neck like it’s Start tech made a drip come out. I don’t know why that is but they always are able to do these little things that help sell me. In Age of Ultron if you slow it down you see Stark Close in his hand so the gauntlet flying over can slip over his hand. The way Spider-man slaps down his webbing so it sticks to the boat ferry. Even Ant-man moving his head in a way as if it kicks the helmet back. It all sells it so it doesn’t make me thing it’s just CGI over everything even though it is.

-They knew this was going to make the trailer. Also, Evangeline Lilly, much hotter with long hair. I didn’t hate her character in Ant-man but the short hair cut and power suit did make her seem like a stiff. Now with the hair down, normal wear, suit that can shrink her into a little acrobatic wasp at her whim, she seems like her character can be much funner than her serious, bossy, father hating character she had mostly in Ant-man.

 

 

 

I Am Insulted By Andrew Zimmern’s Take On Frozen Hot Chocolate For The Super Bowl

As The Ugly Orange’s Film guy, let me tell you about a little romantic comedy called Serendipity.

On a magical night when they are in in their 20s, Jonathan (John Cusack) meets Sara (Kate Beckinsale). He finds it love at first sight, but Sara believes in destiny. After 10 years the two — with 3,000 miles between them — must decide if fate wants them to be together again. When love feels like magic, it is called destiny; when destiny has a sense of humor, it is serendipity.

Now a huge part of that movie takes place at none other than Serendipity 3 in Manhatten. People talk about the magic of New York as if it’s not a shell of itself from the 80’s. Neighborhoods are safer, there’s bars on every corner that fits every ones needs financially and atmosphere wise, even the rich and snooty don’t seem as rich and snooty when there are start up companies around every corner with their apps making millions in a pinch. I can’t even find a hooker on the streets anymore.  But something about Serendipity 3 still takes me into a different place, a different kind of New York that feels like from a different time. Maybe cause the interior is so absurd and the line to wait is always over an hour, but i know for a fact some of it has to be the magical chemistry of the John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity. I’ve been a few times now with friends and family and something so New York about being not dressed like a slob, going into this relatively pretentious place and sharing a frozen drink in the middle of winter.  The idea of sitting across the table from Kate Beckinsale sharing Serendipity’s signature drink the frozen hot chocolate.Now imagine you bring a beautiful girl like Kate Beckinsale to any event what so ever, and decide to get a frozen and expect it to look like this.and then you end up with this trash like this.I mean what is that? How is that a “Creamy Frozen Hot Chocolate” I mean that looks like chocolate ice cream with I guess white chocolate balls, which i also thought were chickpeas to begin with. How the fuck is my girl suppose to get a billion likes on her instagram pic when it looks like basic ass bowl of chocolate ice cream? How the fuck do we share that together with a straw and look like a cute couple? What the fuck business does Andrew Zimmern have to recreate a pop culture classic frozen beverage? And seeing as Andrew Zimmern lives in Minnesota, do Minnesotans just like eating ice cream in the dead cold of winter like psychopaths?