Tag Archives: Seinfeld

The Poppy Seed Bagel Strikes Again

WSVN- TOWSON, Md. (AP) — A Maryland woman has discovered that eating a poppy seed bagel before giving birth carries serious consequences.
Elizabeth Eden told WBAL-TV in Baltimore she was in labor in April when a doctor told her she had tested positive for opiates. The test result meant Eden’s daughter had to stay in the hospital for five days while her mother was assigned a case worker.
Eden said she had learned in a school health class that eating poppy seeds could cause a false positive.
“I said, ‘Well, can you test me again? And I ate a poppy seed bagel this morning for breakfast,’ and [the doctor] said, ‘No, you’ve been reported to the state,’” Eden recalled to the news outlet.
After acknowledging the bagel defense, the case worker closed Eden’s file.
The Federal Institute for Risk Assessment writes that until food manufacturers reduce morphine levels in poppy seeds, it advises against excessive consumption, particularly during pregnancy.

How is it that in 2018, with all medical advancements in the world, so much technology implemented in the medical field, people are still falling victim to the Poppy Seed. Why the fuck are bagel shops still serving it on their menus? Why the fuck are people ordering them still? I don’t think I’ve ever had the inclination to order just a poppy seed bagel. They come on everything bagels but that’s because they play a small roll in every other flavor I’m tasting in my breakfast food. I can’t even describe what a poppy seed taste like off the top of my head so i don’t even understand why this lady would order one. Have people not seen the Seinfeld episode? They get stuck in your teeth and the flavor is probably so minuscule that the cream cheese or butter on the bagel just eviscerated the taste of it all together so you might as well just get a plain bagel and save your self the hassle of picking in between your teeth to get the small opium pods out.

Also ruthless on this doctors part to just report her to the state for being a reckless opium addicted mother to a newborn baby. Such an extreme result from a poor breakfast choice. Imagine the chain of events. You have a poppy seed bagel, hoping some how that’s enough nourishment for you, and the baby you’re carrying. Probably an hour or two later you go into labor. An 8+ hour struggle begins as you experience the pains of labor with nothing to eat but ice chips.  Finally in the 11th hour the birth is a success and you’re happy because you see the miracle of life for the first time and you’re so over whelmed with joy that your baby is alive and healthy. Exhausted from what people consider, the greatest joy in life, you take a small nap. Next thing you know you’re handcuffed to the hospital bed with 2 police officers on either side standing patrol to make sure you don’t escape. Doctors evaluating your drug habit and them leveling the decision to take your baby away because they don’t think you’re fit to be a mother. All from a poppy seed bagel. Wild.

P.s.- Remember 50 Cent’s song Baltimore Love Thing? Well that was about how Baltimore has the highest heroin user rate so there is a small chance Elizabeth Eden was on something

Advertisements

Oregon Man Pulls The Classic Elaine Benes, “My Breakfast Had Poppy Seeds!” Defense In Court

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — An attorney for a man who pleaded guilty to a conspiracy charge in the takeover of an Oregon wildlife refuge says his client tested positive for morphine because he ate an ‘everything’ bagel with poppy seeds.
The Oregonian/Oregon Lives reported Monday (http://bit.ly/2eIZoQd ) that a federal judge in Portland, Oregon has ordered Jason Blomgren to avoid poppy seeds in addition to drugs.
Blomgren took a plea deal for his role in the armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge last year and is expected to be sentenced to probation next month.
He had been subpoenaed by the government to testify in a trial against Ammon Bundy and other leaders of the refuge occupation, but was not called as a witness.
Blomgren now says he will eat egg whites for breakfast.

The classic Poppy seed bagel/muffin defense. This is one of those things that is a known fact that might not be true at all. It’s like when you growing up you heard that red cars raises your car insurance. Nothing to show that it’s a true solid fact in life. Your insurance broker can even tell you that that’s a myth but you still probably factor it into the cost of potentially picking out a new car. Well poppy seeds are the same. As a kid you’d get your morning everything bagel and then tell your friends “yo, the bagel i’m eating has poppy seeds in it. You know if I get drug tested It’ll come up positive because of the Poppy Seeds?!?! It’s like I’m doing drugs.” Everyone has heard that once in their life and if not you know of the Seinfeld reference. And Just like this judge who had to hear this testimony in court, he believed it. Maybe not fully believed it but like “c’mon guy, We know you did a ton of morphine and deserve to go to jail or whatever” but then that small chance that the elusive poppy seed rumor is true, you don’t want to the one to make the mistake of not believing a fact that everyone on the planet universally knows. Let this be a note to all Morphine addicts and the defense attorneys that represent them. Oregon vs Jason Blomgren has set a legal precedent that makes a client’s drug toxicity report inadmissible in court  based on the defense’s breakfast choice. Basically converting myth into legal grounds at this point. Very important moment in US history.

P.s- Saying you’lll switch from Poppy seed bagels to Egg White’s is a great move. If he said he was just having eggs the Judge would probably dismiss that as an act to gain his trust, you mention it’s egg whites only it makes him seem like a health conscious citizen. The devil’s in the details.

Esteban Santiago Was The Airport Shooter, Ft. Lauderdale Resident Esteban Guzman-Santiago Is Not

Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony. "Is this the guy???" someone wrote. Chimed in another, "I'd be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that." Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they'd found their guy. "Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death," a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message . In the comments on Guzman-Santiago's video, others debated whether they'd truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn't the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn't look like it was filmed in an airport. "Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime," one woman wrote. In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours. That didn't stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He'd had enough. "Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter," he said in a Facebook Live video, "I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?" He added that if he was the shooter, "I wouldn't be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way." In an interview with New Times, Guzman-Santiago says it was nerve-wracking that people assumed he was the culprit — especially when he got the phone call. He's dismayed people were so quick to jump to conclusions. And he worries about how the name association will follow him. "When you go somewhere and they're like, 'Oh, your name is Esteban Santiago,' and you verify your name, even though they may not say something in the moment, in the back of their head, they might be worried, 'Is he in any way associated with this guy?'" Guzman-Santiago says. The man believed to have carried out the shooting, which happened just before 1 p.m. in the baggage claim area of Terminal 2, is a 26-year-old U.S. Army veteran who served in Iraq. In November, according to the Miami Herald, he visited an FBI office in Anchorage, where he was reportedly living, to confess he felt compelled to fight for ISIS. He was sent for psychiatric help. A Facebook profile belonging to that Esteban Santiago has already disappeared from the site.

MNT- Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony.
“Is this the guy???” someone wrote. Chimed in another, “I’d be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that.”
Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they’d found their guy.
“Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death,” a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message .
In the comments on Guzman-Santiago’s video, others debated whether they’d truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn’t the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn’t look like it was filmed in an airport.
“Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime,” one woman wrote.
In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours.
That didn’t stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He’d had enough.
“Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter,” he said in a Facebook Live video, “I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?”
He added that if he was the shooter, “I wouldn’t be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way.”

Classic. We’ve hit that point in the world where normal names aren’t good enough anymore. Gotta follow suit like the celebrities and name your kid something crazy or else they might get confused with some other domestic terrorist. It’s like when Elaine started dating another Joel Rifkin and had her co worker and  Giants fans in an uproar when they thought she was dating a domestic terrorist. You’re just begging for trouble if you associate the same name. The worst part though are some of the comments coming through. I’m sure I would be pretty pissed off when people are accusing me of a major atrocity and issuing death threats to me, but I could at least look on the bright side and know my Klout score went through the roof. Social media buzz in this day and age is worth it’s weight in gold if you can manipulate it. But it must of been a real kick in the dick when all these people are accusing the innocent Esteban because “his face looked like that.” Or people wondering if that was him because of his body size. Like accusing someone of being a mass murderer is one thing. A person can easily shrug that off considering he would know if he was in fact a murderer, but he also definitely probably knows if he’s a fat guy and if he’s ugly or not. Such a shame. It’s probably gonna stick with him for awhile so he might as well go with a different name for a few years. Just don’t go with a name like Ned or Todd. Ned is the type of guy who buys irregular underwear, and you’ll never meet a normal Todd, that’s like asking to be accused of being a killer again.

United States Soldier Lt. Sam Kendricks Stops Mid Run To Stand Attention For The National Anthem

What an incredible scene. It was like taking a high powered super car going 100 mph to 0 in 10ft. Guy just stops everything he does when he hears that sweet tune play. It was like watching Elaine’s boyfriend Brett when he hears Desperado play on the radio. Everything needs to be silent when the National Anthem plays. You can play what ever Witchy Woman Brazilian Anthem all you want but he’s not gonna give a fuck about that. The best part was on top of that he was like searching out for an American Flag I’m pretty sure.  Hunted it out in the crowd like a shark sniffing blood. That’s like how lethal his patriotism is. 100 bucks says if they played the Star Spangled Banner mid jump he’ll float in mid air staring at that flag. And he’ll land it cleanly.

If You Can’t Command A Single Ounce Of Fear Trying To Rob A Kebab Shop, You Should Just Kill Yourself

HuffingtonPost- An Egyptian kebab shop owner in New Zealand has become an internet hit after a video of him ignoring a would-be robber and continuing to serve a customer went viral, drawing more than a quarter of a million views. Said Ahmed, owner of the Egyptian Kebab House in Christchurch, said it was simply a “lucky” reaction to ignore the masked man, who walked into his restaurant on May 28 and demanded cash while holding what appeared to be a gun. Ahmed, who has run his kebab shop for 15 years, continued to bag up an order and handed it to a customer before walking away to call the police, the video shows, leaving the attempted robber to exit empty handed. Canterbury Police released CCTV footage of the incident on Facebook last week in a bid to identify the would-be robber. The 27-second clip has since drawn 255,000 views and has been shared more than 1,000 times. Ahmed, 55, who was quickly dubbed by social media as the “chillest chip shop operator”, said he was only thinking of his family and thought walking away would avoid a more serious outcome. “I’m not a hero but, you know, I controlled my reaction,” he told New Zealand media. “Quite lucky because that reaction come to my head in that moment.”

Huffington Post– An Egyptian kebab shop owner in New Zealand has become an internet hit after a video of him ignoring a would-be robber and continuing to serve a customer went viral, drawing more than a quarter of a million views.
Said Ahmed, owner of the Egyptian Kebab House in Christchurch, said it was simply a “lucky” reaction to ignore the masked man, who walked into his restaurant on May 28 and demanded cash while holding what appeared to be a gun.
Ahmed, who has run his kebab shop for 15 years, continued to bag up an order and handed it to a customer before walking away to call the police, the video shows, leaving the attempted robber to exit empty handed.
Canterbury Police released CCTV footage of the incident on Facebook last week in a bid to identify the would-be robber. The 27-second clip has since drawn 255,000 views and has been shared more than 1,000 times.
Ahmed, 55, who was quickly dubbed by social media as the “chillest chip shop operator”, said he was only thinking of his family and thought walking away would avoid a more serious outcome.
“I’m not a hero but, you know, I controlled my reaction,” he told New Zealand media. “Quite lucky because that reaction come to my head in that moment.”

My god that’s embarrassing. I don’t even think prison would be as bad as the social stigma in the crime world of not getting an ounce of respect from a shop owner or the fucking customer picking up their food while you pretty much play cops and robbers over there by your self. The only way I could see this happening is if it was like the Van Buren Boys episode of Seinfeld where Costanza tries to fake rob the Seinfeld’s so he doesn’t get beat up, but even he kinda at least threw Morty and Helen off kilt for a second. This guy on the other hand just gets treated like a social pariah or the town leper where people think even acknowledging them will get you sick. Best outcome would’ve been he take off the ski mask and say it was all a joke and order a falafel pita or maybe a nice spinach pie and continue on his day praying his attempt doesn’t end up on line for the world to laugh out. But now that its out there, he’s not gonna get any respect as a criminal. Can’t cut it on a normal 9-5, can’t cut it in a ski mask robbing people at gun point, all you really can do now is just kill yourself.

Scarlett Johansson Reading Bible Scripture Gets Me Going A little

When you leave Saturday Night Live, you might write a book, or work on a movie, or start a TV empire. Or, you might get Scarlett Johansson to read Book of Deuteronomy verses in a sexy voice. Because that's a thing you do if you're Mike O'Brien, who has a new comedy album out now called Tasty Radio. On this track, called "Sexy Bible," it's coming from WSEX Sexy Talk Radio - each track is from a different radio station - you can hear Johansson reading passages about stoning rebellious youngsters, shaving the head of a woman, and what animals you're allowed to eat.

ComicBook– When you leave Saturday Night Live, you might write a book, or work on a movie, or start a TV empire. Or, you might get Scarlett Johansson to read Book of Deuteronomy verses in a sexy voice. Because that’s a thing you do if you’re Mike O’Brien, who has a new comedy album out now called Tasty Radio.
On this track, called “Sexy Bible,” it’s coming from WSEX Sexy Talk Radio – each track is from a different radio station – you can hear Johansson reading passages about stoning rebellious youngsters, shaving the head of a woman, and what animals you’re allowed to eat.

Weird? Sure. But was it not a little hot? Definitely. Nothing is sexy about the bible. Never read the thing but I’m pretty sure its just a story about people killing Jesus. But anytime a girl does that panting breathing voice in a studio quality microphone I’m pretty sure it triggers something in our reptilian brain that says its hot. Her talking about a village stoning someone to death saying the word stubborn in that low sexy voice. Hoooott. I was practically screaming out loud for the guy to shut the fuck up while I grabbed noise canceling headphones and listen like Kramer in Seinfeld.  

Sidenote- talked to a buddy about this and now he’s turned me onto this Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response or ASMR porn videos on pornhub and shit. Shits cool.

 

I Need This Costanza Napping Desk So Bad

Ever feel like you spend so much time in your office that you might a swell sleep there? Well, now there's a space-saving desk which ingeniously allows you to do just that. But you might not want to tell the boss about it in case you start getting more overtime. A Greek architect has designed the desk which converts to a bed, just the thing for those late-night office sessions. They told Archilovers : "The main concept was to comment on the fact that many times our lives are 'shrinking' in order to fit into the confined space of our office. "Eventually, I realized that each civilization may have a very different perception of things depending on its social context."

Ever feel like you spend so much time in your office that you might a swell sleep there?
Well, now there’s a space-saving desk which ingeniously allows you to do just that.
But you might not want to tell the boss about it in case you start getting more overtime. A Greek architect has designed the desk which converts to a bed, just the thing for those late-night office sessions.
They told Archilovers : “The main concept was to comment on the fact that many times our lives are ‘shrinking’ in order to fit into the confined space of our office.
“Eventually, I realized that each civilization may have a very different perception of things depending on its social context.”

Ahhh I love a good nap. It’s like George says, sometimes its the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. This sounds crazy but occasionally on the weekends I would wake up early just so i can take a nice little nap around 10. Its the best, wake up feeling good, not too late, If you time it right you can still sleep at night. Its the best. Here i am slumped over a table can’t focus on a god damn thing with this Costanza desk taunting me right in the face. I mean you see this shit? we got a build in TV on one end, nice little cushion mattress and elevate your head for a nice place to put a pillow. God that looks fucking delightful. Im almost sure you can even add a built in shelf for a nice little alarm clock too just in case you have a meeting with Steinbrenner and you need to make sure you don’t over nap. Any international UO fans out there, if you’re by whatever greek furniture store this is at, it’ll mean a lot if you buy this for me. I’ll even shout you out on this very important influential Florida based blog!