Tag Archives: Seinfeld

Oregon Man Pulls The Classic Elaine Benes, “My Breakfast Had Poppy Seeds!” Defense In Court

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — An attorney for a man who pleaded guilty to a conspiracy charge in the takeover of an Oregon wildlife refuge says his client tested positive for morphine because he ate an ‘everything’ bagel with poppy seeds.
The Oregonian/Oregon Lives reported Monday (http://bit.ly/2eIZoQd ) that a federal judge in Portland, Oregon has ordered Jason Blomgren to avoid poppy seeds in addition to drugs.
Blomgren took a plea deal for his role in the armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge last year and is expected to be sentenced to probation next month.
He had been subpoenaed by the government to testify in a trial against Ammon Bundy and other leaders of the refuge occupation, but was not called as a witness.
Blomgren now says he will eat egg whites for breakfast.

The classic Poppy seed bagel/muffin defense. This is one of those things that is a known fact that might not be true at all. It’s like when you growing up you heard that red cars raises your car insurance. Nothing to show that it’s a true solid fact in life. Your insurance broker can even tell you that that’s a myth but you still probably factor it into the cost of potentially picking out a new car. Well poppy seeds are the same. As a kid you’d get your morning everything bagel and then tell your friends “yo, the bagel i’m eating has poppy seeds in it. You know if I get drug tested It’ll come up positive because of the Poppy Seeds?!?! It’s like I’m doing drugs.” Everyone has heard that once in their life and if not you know of the Seinfeld reference. And Just like this judge who had to hear this testimony in court, he believed it. Maybe not fully believed it but like “c’mon guy, We know you did a ton of morphine and deserve to go to jail or whatever” but then that small chance that the elusive poppy seed rumor is true, you don’t want to the one to make the mistake of not believing a fact that everyone on the planet universally knows. Let this be a note to all Morphine addicts and the defense attorneys that represent them. Oregon vs Jason Blomgren has set a legal precedent that makes a client’s drug toxicity report inadmissible in court  based on the defense’s breakfast choice. Basically converting myth into legal grounds at this point. Very important moment in US history.

P.s- Saying you’lll switch from Poppy seed bagels to Egg White’s is a great move. If he said he was just having eggs the Judge would probably dismiss that as an act to gain his trust, you mention it’s egg whites only it makes him seem like a health conscious citizen. The devil’s in the details.

Esteban Santiago Was The Airport Shooter, Ft. Lauderdale Resident Esteban Guzman-Santiago Is Not

Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony. "Is this the guy???" someone wrote. Chimed in another, "I'd be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that." Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they'd found their guy. "Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death," a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message . In the comments on Guzman-Santiago's video, others debated whether they'd truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn't the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn't look like it was filmed in an airport. "Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime," one woman wrote. In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours. That didn't stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He'd had enough. "Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter," he said in a Facebook Live video, "I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?" He added that if he was the shooter, "I wouldn't be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way." In an interview with New Times, Guzman-Santiago says it was nerve-wracking that people assumed he was the culprit — especially when he got the phone call. He's dismayed people were so quick to jump to conclusions. And he worries about how the name association will follow him. "When you go somewhere and they're like, 'Oh, your name is Esteban Santiago,' and you verify your name, even though they may not say something in the moment, in the back of their head, they might be worried, 'Is he in any way associated with this guy?'" Guzman-Santiago says. The man believed to have carried out the shooting, which happened just before 1 p.m. in the baggage claim area of Terminal 2, is a 26-year-old U.S. Army veteran who served in Iraq. In November, according to the Miami Herald, he visited an FBI office in Anchorage, where he was reportedly living, to confess he felt compelled to fight for ISIS. He was sent for psychiatric help. A Facebook profile belonging to that Esteban Santiago has already disappeared from the site.

MNT- Yesterday afternoon, Fort Lauderdale resident Esteban Marcelo Guzman-Santiago got off work and noticed that about a hundred comments had poured onto a Facebook video he had posted from an awards ceremony.
“Is this the guy???” someone wrote. Chimed in another, “I’d be a killer to (sic) if I had a face that looked like that.”
Guzman-Santiago, 23, quickly realized that he had the misfortune of sharing a name with the man who opened fire at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in a rampage that killed five and injured eight yesterday. That, coupled with the fact he lives in Fort Lauderdale, apparently led internet sleuths to think they’d found their guy.
“Your a peice of shit I hope u burn to death,” a West Virginia man told Guzman-Santiago in a message .
In the comments on Guzman-Santiago’s video, others debated whether they’d truly found the culprit. Maybe this Esteban wasn’t the right size. Plus, the video, posted about an hour after the shooting, didn’t look like it was filmed in an airport.
“Yall FB a name and think yall solved the crime,” one woman wrote.
In fact, the true shooter had been apprehended almost immediately after the shooting, Broward Sheriff Scott Israel said during a news conference. By the time Guzman-Santiago left work around 5:30 p.m., the gunman had been in custody for several hours.
That didn’t stop the armchair detectives from forming an Internet mob, though. As Guzman-Santiago drove home from the call center where he works, his phone rang, and it was someone asking if he was the shooter. He’d had enough.
“Listen, everybody who is messaging me, texting me, calling me, asking me am I this motherfucking shooter,” he said in a Facebook Live video, “I just left from work. I just got through from graduating from the training program. How in the goddamn fuck am I the goddamn shooter?”
He added that if he was the shooter, “I wouldn’t be responding to your motherfucking comments any motherfucking way.”

Classic. We’ve hit that point in the world where normal names aren’t good enough anymore. Gotta follow suit like the celebrities and name your kid something crazy or else they might get confused with some other domestic terrorist. It’s like when Elaine started dating another Joel Rifkin and had her co worker and  Giants fans in an uproar when they thought she was dating a domestic terrorist. You’re just begging for trouble if you associate the same name. The worst part though are some of the comments coming through. I’m sure I would be pretty pissed off when people are accusing me of a major atrocity and issuing death threats to me, but I could at least look on the bright side and know my Klout score went through the roof. Social media buzz in this day and age is worth it’s weight in gold if you can manipulate it. But it must of been a real kick in the dick when all these people are accusing the innocent Esteban because “his face looked like that.” Or people wondering if that was him because of his body size. Like accusing someone of being a mass murderer is one thing. A person can easily shrug that off considering he would know if he was in fact a murderer, but he also definitely probably knows if he’s a fat guy and if he’s ugly or not. Such a shame. It’s probably gonna stick with him for awhile so he might as well go with a different name for a few years. Just don’t go with a name like Ned or Todd. Ned is the type of guy who buys irregular underwear, and you’ll never meet a normal Todd, that’s like asking to be accused of being a killer again.

United States Soldier Lt. Sam Kendricks Stops Mid Run To Stand Attention For The National Anthem

What an incredible scene. It was like taking a high powered super car going 100 mph to 0 in 10ft. Guy just stops everything he does when he hears that sweet tune play. It was like watching Elaine’s boyfriend Brett when he hears Desperado play on the radio. Everything needs to be silent when the National Anthem plays. You can play what ever Witchy Woman Brazilian Anthem all you want but he’s not gonna give a fuck about that. The best part was on top of that he was like searching out for an American Flag I’m pretty sure.  Hunted it out in the crowd like a shark sniffing blood. That’s like how lethal his patriotism is. 100 bucks says if they played the Star Spangled Banner mid jump he’ll float in mid air staring at that flag. And he’ll land it cleanly.

If You Can’t Command A Single Ounce Of Fear Trying To Rob A Kebab Shop, You Should Just Kill Yourself

HuffingtonPost- An Egyptian kebab shop owner in New Zealand has become an internet hit after a video of him ignoring a would-be robber and continuing to serve a customer went viral, drawing more than a quarter of a million views. Said Ahmed, owner of the Egyptian Kebab House in Christchurch, said it was simply a “lucky” reaction to ignore the masked man, who walked into his restaurant on May 28 and demanded cash while holding what appeared to be a gun. Ahmed, who has run his kebab shop for 15 years, continued to bag up an order and handed it to a customer before walking away to call the police, the video shows, leaving the attempted robber to exit empty handed. Canterbury Police released CCTV footage of the incident on Facebook last week in a bid to identify the would-be robber. The 27-second clip has since drawn 255,000 views and has been shared more than 1,000 times. Ahmed, 55, who was quickly dubbed by social media as the “chillest chip shop operator”, said he was only thinking of his family and thought walking away would avoid a more serious outcome. “I’m not a hero but, you know, I controlled my reaction,” he told New Zealand media. “Quite lucky because that reaction come to my head in that moment.”

Huffington Post– An Egyptian kebab shop owner in New Zealand has become an internet hit after a video of him ignoring a would-be robber and continuing to serve a customer went viral, drawing more than a quarter of a million views.
Said Ahmed, owner of the Egyptian Kebab House in Christchurch, said it was simply a “lucky” reaction to ignore the masked man, who walked into his restaurant on May 28 and demanded cash while holding what appeared to be a gun.
Ahmed, who has run his kebab shop for 15 years, continued to bag up an order and handed it to a customer before walking away to call the police, the video shows, leaving the attempted robber to exit empty handed.
Canterbury Police released CCTV footage of the incident on Facebook last week in a bid to identify the would-be robber. The 27-second clip has since drawn 255,000 views and has been shared more than 1,000 times.
Ahmed, 55, who was quickly dubbed by social media as the “chillest chip shop operator”, said he was only thinking of his family and thought walking away would avoid a more serious outcome.
“I’m not a hero but, you know, I controlled my reaction,” he told New Zealand media. “Quite lucky because that reaction come to my head in that moment.”

My god that’s embarrassing. I don’t even think prison would be as bad as the social stigma in the crime world of not getting an ounce of respect from a shop owner or the fucking customer picking up their food while you pretty much play cops and robbers over there by your self. The only way I could see this happening is if it was like the Van Buren Boys episode of Seinfeld where Costanza tries to fake rob the Seinfeld’s so he doesn’t get beat up, but even he kinda at least threw Morty and Helen off kilt for a second. This guy on the other hand just gets treated like a social pariah or the town leper where people think even acknowledging them will get you sick. Best outcome would’ve been he take off the ski mask and say it was all a joke and order a falafel pita or maybe a nice spinach pie and continue on his day praying his attempt doesn’t end up on line for the world to laugh out. But now that its out there, he’s not gonna get any respect as a criminal. Can’t cut it on a normal 9-5, can’t cut it in a ski mask robbing people at gun point, all you really can do now is just kill yourself.

Scarlett Johansson Reading Bible Scripture Gets Me Going A little

When you leave Saturday Night Live, you might write a book, or work on a movie, or start a TV empire. Or, you might get Scarlett Johansson to read Book of Deuteronomy verses in a sexy voice. Because that's a thing you do if you're Mike O'Brien, who has a new comedy album out now called Tasty Radio. On this track, called "Sexy Bible," it's coming from WSEX Sexy Talk Radio - each track is from a different radio station - you can hear Johansson reading passages about stoning rebellious youngsters, shaving the head of a woman, and what animals you're allowed to eat.

ComicBook– When you leave Saturday Night Live, you might write a book, or work on a movie, or start a TV empire. Or, you might get Scarlett Johansson to read Book of Deuteronomy verses in a sexy voice. Because that’s a thing you do if you’re Mike O’Brien, who has a new comedy album out now called Tasty Radio.
On this track, called “Sexy Bible,” it’s coming from WSEX Sexy Talk Radio – each track is from a different radio station – you can hear Johansson reading passages about stoning rebellious youngsters, shaving the head of a woman, and what animals you’re allowed to eat.

Weird? Sure. But was it not a little hot? Definitely. Nothing is sexy about the bible. Never read the thing but I’m pretty sure its just a story about people killing Jesus. But anytime a girl does that panting breathing voice in a studio quality microphone I’m pretty sure it triggers something in our reptilian brain that says its hot. Her talking about a village stoning someone to death saying the word stubborn in that low sexy voice. Hoooott. I was practically screaming out loud for the guy to shut the fuck up while I grabbed noise canceling headphones and listen like Kramer in Seinfeld.  

Sidenote- talked to a buddy about this and now he’s turned me onto this Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response or ASMR porn videos on pornhub and shit. Shits cool.

 

I Need This Costanza Napping Desk So Bad

Ever feel like you spend so much time in your office that you might a swell sleep there? Well, now there's a space-saving desk which ingeniously allows you to do just that. But you might not want to tell the boss about it in case you start getting more overtime. A Greek architect has designed the desk which converts to a bed, just the thing for those late-night office sessions. They told Archilovers : "The main concept was to comment on the fact that many times our lives are 'shrinking' in order to fit into the confined space of our office. "Eventually, I realized that each civilization may have a very different perception of things depending on its social context."

Ever feel like you spend so much time in your office that you might a swell sleep there?
Well, now there’s a space-saving desk which ingeniously allows you to do just that.
But you might not want to tell the boss about it in case you start getting more overtime. A Greek architect has designed the desk which converts to a bed, just the thing for those late-night office sessions.
They told Archilovers : “The main concept was to comment on the fact that many times our lives are ‘shrinking’ in order to fit into the confined space of our office.
“Eventually, I realized that each civilization may have a very different perception of things depending on its social context.”

Ahhh I love a good nap. It’s like George says, sometimes its the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. This sounds crazy but occasionally on the weekends I would wake up early just so i can take a nice little nap around 10. Its the best, wake up feeling good, not too late, If you time it right you can still sleep at night. Its the best. Here i am slumped over a table can’t focus on a god damn thing with this Costanza desk taunting me right in the face. I mean you see this shit? we got a build in TV on one end, nice little cushion mattress and elevate your head for a nice place to put a pillow. God that looks fucking delightful. Im almost sure you can even add a built in shelf for a nice little alarm clock too just in case you have a meeting with Steinbrenner and you need to make sure you don’t over nap. Any international UO fans out there, if you’re by whatever greek furniture store this is at, it’ll mean a lot if you buy this for me. I’ll even shout you out on this very important influential Florida based blog!

Man Plans On Swimming Around The World In 450 days

(NEWSER) – Martin Strel swims with a knife strapped to his right leg—in case he encounters sharks, "vampire" fish, and other deadly marine life in the world's wildest waters. Yesterday, the 60-year-old marathon swimmer from Phoenix announced the toughest feat of his life: a 10,000-mile around-the-world voyage on water to draw public attention to increasing aquatic pollution. "And for peace and love," Strel added in his native Slovenian. He aims to circle the globe in about 450 days, starting in Long Beach, Calif., on March 22 and passing through oceans, rivers, canals, and other bodies of water in more than 100 countries. He'll swim about five to 12 hours each day, depending on the weather and changing currents; an escort boat will offer emergency support and space for small breaks. Since 2000, Strel has swum the entire length of five rivers—the piranha-infested Amazon, the Danube in Eastern Europe, China's Yangtze, the Parana in South America, and the Mississippi, earning him the nickname "Big River Man." On his South American swims, he watches out for the candiru, the "most dangerous fish on the planet" (it bores into every human cavity and grows by feeding on human flesh and blood); says piranhas "are OK"; and isn't freaked out by sharks, which he says leave him alone if he swims in the same direction as them and doesn't confront them. He's still finalizing details of his adventure, a multimillion-dollar jaunt that will once more include the Panama and Suez canals, the English Channel, and the Amazon, as well as the Atlantic and Pacific oceans and the Red Sea. Strel says he welcomes anyone who's interested to join him for stretches of the route.

(NEWSER) – Martin Strel swims with a knife strapped to his right leg—in case he encounters sharks, “vampire” fish, and other deadly marine life in the world’s wildest waters. Yesterday, the 60-year-old marathon swimmer from Phoenix announced the toughest feat of his life: a 10,000-mile around-the-world voyage on water to draw public attention to increasing aquatic pollution. “And for peace and love,” Strel added in his native Slovenian. He aims to circle the globe in about 450 days, starting in Long Beach, Calif., on March 22 and passing through oceans, rivers, canals, and other bodies of water in more than 100 countries. He’ll swim about five to 12 hours each day, depending on the weather and changing currents; an escort boat will offer emergency support and space for small breaks.
Since 2000, Strel has swum the entire length of five rivers—the piranha-infested Amazon, the Danube in Eastern Europe, China’s Yangtze, the Parana in South America, and the Mississippi, earning him the nickname “Big River Man.” On his South American swims, he watches out for the candiru, the “most dangerous fish on the planet” (it bores into every human cavity and grows by feeding on human flesh and blood); says piranhas “are OK”; and isn’t freaked out by sharks, which he says leave him alone if he swims in the same direction as them and doesn’t confront them. He’s still finalizing details of his adventure, a multimillion-dollar jaunt that will once more include the Panama and Suez canals, the English Channel, and the Amazon, as well as the Atlantic and Pacific oceans and the Red Sea. Strel says he welcomes anyone who’s interested to join him for stretches of the route.

Is this going to be a trend now? old people swimming long distances? Look I’ve had a bone to pick for a longtime now and i just didn’t find the right time to say it. I sense this little publicity stunt was birthed since that lady Diana Nyad had that record for swimming from cuba to the very bottom end of Florida. Honestly I was gonna write this blog on one of the few years anniversary but she was insignificant in my life but since that happened on August 31, we’re only a couple weeks behind.

That shit was such a publicity move for such a lame thing to applaud her for accomplishing. Im sure she feels good about it, and im not saying she shouldn’t. Swimming burns cals like a wildfire in a dry forest. But the world made it seem like the biggest deal on the planet at the time when really it wasn’t. First off, it was her 5th attempt. The bigger applaud should just be not giving up after failing 4 times but all of that aside the asterisk on her swimming was only because she did it without a god damn giant cage that floats around her like this Swimming-In-The-SharkCage_02

Yea the excitement of her possibly being eaten by a shark or stung by jelly fish it would’ve been awesome but if we’re talking about just the swim, then im just not impressed. Besides that she had a team of people swimming around her just tossing jelly fish aside and fucking up any marine life that came in her path. Its basically the same thing. Theres been a ton of speculation that she cheated a bit with people wanting all the gps data and shit but that doesnt even matter to me Because it was this ladies 5th attempt at something that was kind of already done and a bit more impressive years ago.

What we know for sure is Diana Nyad had a 35 person team with her. Pretty much a god damn party pulling her along the way with a complete like Aqua man suit to prevent her to get stung by jelly fish so the cage is relatively inconsequential at that point, and swam 110 miles in 53 hours.  Well guess what, this distance had been done before in a billion times faster by this chick names Susie Maroney.

KEY WEST, Fla., May 12— Battling nausea, stinging jellyfish, high seas and hallucinations of monkeys, an Australian swam 118 miles from Cuba to Florida today to become the first woman to cross the shark-infested straits.

Susie Maroney’s team said she was the first person to swim the Florida Straits from Cuba to the Keys, a claim that was disputed before she even reached land.

About four and a half hours after Ms. Maroney, 22, finished, she fainted on live television while talking to reporters on the beach. Her doctor said that she was dehydrated and immediately regained consciousness and that she returned to her hotel room to rest.

She swam for 24 1/2 hours inside a 28-by-8-foot cage for protection from sharks before climbing out of the surf at Fort Zachary Taylor State Park in the Florida Keys, badly sunburned and covered with welts from jellyfish stings. Her tongue was swollen from the salt water.

”It was the best feeling in the world,” she said. ”I was so glad to touch sand. Definitely, your dreams can come true. So many times you think, ‘I just don’t want to keep going.’ ”

Walter Poenisch made the crossing in 1978 at age 64, but critics said no independent observers watched the trip to verify that he had been unassisted all the way. Unlike Ms. Maroney, he used flippers. His time was 34 hours and 15 minutes.

Ms. Maroney said her team worked with the Guinness Book of World Records to make sure she met all requirements, including having an independent observer aboard an escort boat. Guinness officials could not be reached for comment.

Ms. Maroney’s trip began at about noon on Sunday when she jumped into the water at Havana’s Malecon sea wall after being slathered in petroleum jelly to fend off jellyfish, protect her from the sun and keep her body warm.

The 5-foot-6, 127-pound marathon swimmer made the journey inside her cage attached to her escort boat. She was helped by a swift current and relatively good weather but had to contend with 15-foot seas.

She said she replayed in her head episodes of ”Seinfeld” and her favorite pop songs to keep her spirits up.

Photo: Susie Maroney, 22, was helped to shore yesterday after successfully battling seas and currents to swim from Cuba to the Florida Key. (Associated Press)

Boom. Did it like 20 hours faster and 8 miles longer than Diana and she did it by picturing Seinfeld episodes in her head. I love it. Team Seinfeld will always prevail to me. So yea theres an obvious age gap but like i said, things are already in question about how she did the race but cmon 20 hours faster in one attempt will always trump 5 attempts, 50+ hours, a 35 man crew to move all things in your path. So fuck the age thing. People act like Nyad was the first person to ever do it when she wasn’t. The bigger kicker is she had cerebral palsy! I mean cmon if you give Nyad a huge ovation for doing it despite her age, then Susie Maroney should get a standing O from the world for doing it with a brain movement disorder. I’ll NEVER be team Nyad. Im not gonna be some lemming succumbing to the news and pop culture when theres always something better or more impressive out there.

Oh and as for Martin Strel, he’ll probably die.