WSVN- TOWSON, Md. (AP) — A Maryland woman has discovered that eating a poppy seed bagel before giving birth carries serious consequences. Elizabeth Eden told WBAL-TV in Baltimore she was in labor in April when a doctor told her she had tested positive for opiates. The test result meant Eden’s daughter had to stay in the hospital for five days while her mother was assigned a case worker. Eden said she had learned in a school health class that eating poppy seeds could cause a false positive. “I said, ‘Well, can you test me again? And I ate a poppy seed bagel this morning for breakfast,’ and [the doctor] said, ‘No, you’ve been reported to the state,’” Eden recalled to the news outlet. After acknowledging the bagel defense, the case worker closed Eden’s file. The Federal Institute for Risk Assessment writes that until food manufacturers reduce morphine levels in poppy seeds, it advises against excessive consumption, particularly during pregnancy.
How is it that in 2018, with all medical advancements in the world, so much technology implemented in the medical field, people are still falling victim to the Poppy Seed. Why the fuck are bagel shops still serving it on their menus? Why the fuck are people ordering them still? I don’t think I’ve ever had the inclination to order just a poppy seed bagel. They come on everything bagels but that’s because they play a small roll in every other flavor I’m tasting in my breakfast food. I can’t even describe what a poppy seed taste like off the top of my head so i don’t even understand why this lady would order one. Have people not seen the Seinfeld episode? They get stuck in your teeth and the flavor is probably so minuscule that the cream cheese or butter on the bagel just eviscerated the taste of it all together so you might as well just get a plain bagel and save your self the hassle of picking in between your teeth to get the small opium pods out.
Also ruthless on this doctors part to just report her to the state for being a reckless opium addicted mother to a newborn baby. Such an extreme result from a poor breakfast choice. Imagine the chain of events. You have a poppy seed bagel, hoping some how that’s enough nourishment for you, and the baby you’re carrying. Probably an hour or two later you go into labor. An 8+ hour struggle begins as you experience the pains of labor with nothing to eat but ice chips. Finally in the 11th hour the birth is a success and you’re happy because you see the miracle of life for the first time and you’re so over whelmed with joy that your baby is alive and healthy. Exhausted from what people consider, the greatest joy in life, you take a small nap. Next thing you know you’re handcuffed to the hospital bed with 2 police officers on either side standing patrol to make sure you don’t escape. Doctors evaluating your drug habit and them leveling the decision to take your baby away because they don’t think you’re fit to be a mother. All from a poppy seed bagel. Wild.
P.s.- Remember 50 Cent’s song Baltimore Love Thing? Well that was about how Baltimore has the highest heroin user rate so there is a small chance Elizabeth Eden was on something
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — An attorney for a man who pleaded guilty to a conspiracy charge in the takeover of an Oregon wildlife refuge says his client tested positive for morphine because he ate an ‘everything’ bagel with poppy seeds. The Oregonian/Oregon Lives reported Monday (http://bit.ly/2eIZoQd ) that a federal judge in Portland, Oregon has ordered Jason Blomgren to avoid poppy seeds in addition to drugs. Blomgren took a plea deal for his role in the armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge last year and is expected to be sentenced to probation next month. He had been subpoenaed by the government to testify in a trial against Ammon Bundy and other leaders of the refuge occupation, but was not called as a witness. Blomgren now says he will eat egg whites for breakfast.
The classic Poppy seed bagel/muffin defense. This is one of those things that is a known fact that might not be true at all. It’s like when you growing up you heard that red cars raises your car insurance. Nothing to show that it’s a true solid fact in life. Your insurance broker can even tell you that that’s a myth but you still probably factor it into the cost of potentially picking out a new car. Well poppy seeds are the same. As a kid you’d get your morning everything bagel and then tell your friends “yo, the bagel i’m eating has poppy seeds in it. You know if I get drug tested It’ll come up positive because of the Poppy Seeds?!?! It’s like I’m doing drugs.” Everyone has heard that once in their life and if not you know of the Seinfeld reference. And Just like this judge who had to hear this testimony in court, he believed it. Maybe not fully believed it but like “c’mon guy, We know you did a ton of morphine and deserve to go to jail or whatever” but then that small chance that the elusive poppy seed rumor is true, you don’t want to the one to make the mistake of not believing a fact that everyone on the planet universally knows. Let this be a note to all Morphine addicts and the defense attorneys that represent them. Oregon vs Jason Blomgren has set a legal precedent that makes a client’s drug toxicity report inadmissible in court based on the defense’s breakfast choice. Basically converting myth into legal grounds at this point. Very important moment in US history.
P.s- Saying you’lll switch from Poppy seed bagels to Egg White’s is a great move. If he said he was just having eggs the Judge would probably dismiss that as an act to gain his trust, you mention it’s egg whites only it makes him seem like a health conscious citizen. The devil’s in the details.