Oh shit. Don’t look now but America’s favorite Fast Food Chain just re-invented the wheel and is test driving all over Florida. Never thought I’d see the day. Ever since day 1 of birth all I knew of McDonald’s was a walk in or drive through fast food chain. Perfect system. You drive around the block, order your shit in the comfort of your car and drive off listening to tunes 1 handed while the other hand devours carbs. Then they arguably disrupted the entire world economy when they introduced all day breakfast. I mean that was the pinnacle. What else did you need? Your option of any burger or breakfast menu item at all hours of the day. Incredible. Do you know how much time has elapsed in the world before an advancement as astronomical as all day breakfast was? Years. I’m talking like landing on the moon, modern cellphones, then McDonald’s all day breakfast. Well they just took it another step forward towards the future. Fucking McDonald’s delivery. And yea i know there’s shit like Seamless and Grubhub already doing that. But those are metropolitan cities that have options for everything to be delivered. It was one food option in the sea of many. We’re talking delivery in Florida. A place where we can now chose to not burn a cup of gas to sit in our car for 10 minutes, drive 3 miles and place an order. Instead we can just do it from the sofa and walk 5 feet to the door. MAGNUM.
I’m gonna respect the legal system here. Not going to put any judgement on Stephannie Figueroa here (besides the fact that having 2 “N’s” in “Stephannie” is stupid as fuck). Incriminating statements have been made here and something fishy is going on. Maybe those 15 nudes of her weren’t her or were photo-shopped just to incriminate her for what ever reason. After all the pictures apparently have gone missing the next day magically. Fishy indeed.
But if any of these allegations are true, one of the most publicly damaging pieces of evidence that will haunt Ms. Figueroa’s reputation forever is this one tiny portion of the text message exchange…
Stephannie Figueroa: “I want to have sex with you” (presumably followed by a flurry of emojis involving water, an eggplant, and a peach)
11 Year Old Karate Kid: “ok idc”
“Okay, I do not care…” Listen I get that this kid is apparently 11, but we all know kids are getting exposed to this shit earlier and earlier. And I know for a FACT that I jerked off when I was 11 years old because thats when curiosity begins. You think girls are “cute” then. Well guess what Stephannie Figueroa, YOUR SHIT MUST SUCK. You can send all the pictures of your tits and pussy all you want to this said 11 year old. All the daring shit like getting close and sneaking around after sessions at the dojo, and fucking karate sleep overs? Nothing. Straight up telling him you’re going to fuck him in “a hard way” and It didn’t move the needle a millimeter for this kid. Who knows maybe he’s such a chick slayer with his sweet karate moves that Stephannie here is just another notch on his belt of millions from his harem of women. But as the allegations stand, she could pay him money, get a crazy boob job, get ass implants, offer the wildest sex experience in the entire world and her ego and self confidence will still be in the dumpster because he….
When she gets out of jail and sends him a “hiiii” text when he’s 18…
I guess since this is a Florida site, you would expect me to have Antonio Cummings back here. Defend Florida’s honor and go on a tirade about Mike how he’s just some slug from Cleveland and how their strippers probably look like beat up dogs. Nope! Any guy who has ever been through Orlando knows that the biggest flaw to one of the largest vacation spots Florida has to offer is that they have the biggest bull shit law ever about strip clubs. Girls essentially have to hover over your dick by at least like a foot. What the fuck is the point of that? They wear pasties and g strings, charge over priced drinks, and are basically hovering over your dick or dancing around you like a lunatic. Sure you could try to bribe her into fucking her after but still, maybe its 3 am and I want to get a few lap dances first so i can take the ride for a spin to see if i want to fully commit to paying for sex. It’s a bullshit rule. Its a terrible time for me and terrible for the ladies cause no chance in hell I tip her enough to buy McDonalds if she doesn’t rub her ass against me or nearly smother me to death with her tits. So I don’t know what the fuck Antonio can be arguing for here. Are Cleveland strip clubs even worse than Orlando strip clubs or something? Can’t be right? they don’t have the political strings being pulled by Micky Mouse and they seem like a place that are pretty much at the point where they could openly solicit prostitution there. I base that solely on the fact that the Browns and all of Cleveland stinks so they turn to prostitution to ale their woes.
When I left O-town there was two sure fire regrets I had. 1) was not trying the gobbler at Wawa, last time I was up there I crushed 3 of them and they are fucking legit. 2) was not getting enough Lazy Moon when I was there. Because there’s nothing better than massive slices of pizza the size of a full grown toddler on any occasion. Any its not just a novelty either. If it was that I’d be the first to call them out on that, but shits actually legit pizza. A long night of drinking and one slice can magically fill you up and cure the worst hangovers. Seriously there’s not a lot to Orlando to like outside of the Disney area and UCF itself and that place might be a breeding ground for hate mongering Nazi’s. Well Lazy Moon is definitely a staple to Orlando and the fact that its gonna be 10 minutes outside of downtown means you can get drunk, load up on pizza and beer at Lazy Moon and maybe even try to finger a Vietnamese girl wandering on Mills in Viet town if you can’t close a deal with anything from the bars and clubs. It’s a blessing to Orlando.
Well it seems like we’re just preaching for animals to be left alone between the Animal activist kidnapping dogs and this foolish little girl thinking she’s doing some good in the world. I hope this rocks her to her very core and it should. Here she was all high and mighty trying to preach to people and pumping her ego and snapchat score with this and probably wants to go viral and on buzzfeed as girl who saves turtle. Well guess what? You murdered that poor fucking tortoise Gambino crime family style swimming with the fishes and you fucking smiled doing it. Listen any testudine creature (big fucking word) are fucking longevity creatures. They just last. They don’t need to see the world at a million miles per hour or from some safe confines. They just exist at the pace they do and they fucking live for like 100 years perfectly fine just doing so. I get your intentions were good with the turtle, but you murdered the sucker. You do you and try to stay out of other animals business or you probably will end up killing it.
I also thought of Kevin Malone in The Office who runs over a turtle and tries to save it but its already dead. Good intention, Poor execution/ decisions/ gluing skills in Kevin’s case.
Hey Mike Kennedy you asshole, did you not read my blog earlier about snakes and shit? If Not read about them Here and HERE and feel free to comment and like those post so my stats go up. But thats neither here nor there. The fact is if you let a god damn venomous creature out of your grasp and do nothing about till days later you deserve prison. If you own snakes you should go to prison. Why? because i don’t fucking like them and only a psycho person would own them. Yea I’m over exaggerating but now when i go out to take my dog to poop and pee and shit, I gotta pray for dear life i don’t encounter a god damn deadly king cobra. Someone send riki-tiki-tavi out there to find that shit and have it killed and throw Mike behind the bars for a few nights. Its like leaving a loaded gun outside except that loaded gun is a slithering asshole of an animal that can poison motherfuckers left and right.