Boom fresh out of the theaters and still in my brain is a screen rant of this weekend’s highest grossing film, The Accountant. Ben Affleck has had an interesting journey at this point. Been through the highs and lows of Hollywood and might be Tinsel town’s most typical Hollywood actor. Won awards a pair of Oscars, made shit movies like Gigli and Daredevil, been in major blockbusters like Pearl Harbor, evolved into a director and made awesome movies like The Town. Dated actresses and cheated on them with nanny’s. Well now he comes with the movie The Accountant, an action thriller about an idiot savant accountant that handles the money situation for the mob and ends up being a military trained hand to hand combat fighter with a weapon’s cache fit for a small militia including a minigun as his personal home security system and a Barrett 50 cal rifle. Oh yea and someone’s out to kill him because he found out a person a robot company was slowly stealing away like 60+ million dollars.

I’m not gonna pretend to be non-biased here. I’m an Affleck guy. The Town’s one of my favorite go to watches of all time. It’s a modern day Heat. The Accountant off the top of my head i give it a decent solid 7. I don’t need a Daniel Day Lewis magnificent performance or a story written like a Charlie Kaufman film and i don’t really think this movie pretends to be that exactly. I would describe it as an intense version of Jack Reacher mixed with Drive. Action all around with a story trying to have twist and teases, but tries to have funny moments? I didn’t laugh through any of it but I had a decent time watching it. Certain things were predictable but then again was it at all predictable considering no one would expect a person with autism have a kill count and can bench 200lbs. So yea, not the best, but certainly not the worst and I would pay 10 bucks anytime to watch Affleck do some hardcore karate and shoot people any day of the week.

DON’T EVER GIVE CHRISTIAN WOLFF BLUE BALLS

Listen all you playboys and Lothario’s out there. Not all of us are slinging the pipe every second. I’m not saying I don’t try to wet the beak a little from time to time, and I don’t know if strong muscular autistic people get sexual desires but we’re all human and some times after some long talk and hands roaming, if it leads to nothing, you get blue balls. Too much blood rushing to the penis or something. It’s uncomfortable. And sure I can just get it off my mind off it, take a cold shower or even walk it off. Christian Wolff can’t. Something in the chemistry in his brain just sends him into a manic state if he just can’t finish. We all saw it pretty much, him balls deep in numbers on the board fucking those accounting numbers every which way possible. Next thing you know, boom. Some janitor washed away his puzzle piece/metaphorical orgasm and next thing you know he cant get his car parked just right and then he starts clubbing the shit out of his leg (which i didn’t understand from the beginning). Don’t think that was the short term affect either. I mean the company scrubbed his work, he put a bullet in the CEO’s dome. Don’t even try to keep Wolff away from finishing or else it’ll be your death.

DON’T BABY YOUR KIDS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY

Millennials and baby millennials these days. We’ve all scoffed at those parents who think their kid shouldn’t play in the sand like us common kids. We all know rubbing Purell sure kills germs but we also always fight back with “It’s killing the good germs too!” Well that’s like a microcosm for what this movie is trying to say here. Just cause your son’s autistic doesn’t mean you should keep him locked in his room playing with a picture puzzle. I’m not trying to pretend to be a doctor, here. If your kid’s entire body is septic yea MAYBE keep him locked up like the bubble boy. But other than that, let your autistic kid roll in the sand and build up those tolerances to germs and shit. Maybe get them to fight a trained martial arts instructor until their cut and bleeding and almost beaten to a pulp too. Just a little advice if you want your nerd savant to be a total bad ass too.

IMDB COMMENTERS

NEEERRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD. Congrats SunFlowerFortunato, you overpaid to attend business school so you can work at a big accounting firm where you WILL contemplate suicide. Seriously name a douchier thread on IMDB, you can’t.

See this is one of those reasons why I don’t know if you can say it was predictable or not. Like sure in compliance to the movie i could see where you’re logically piecing things together in accordance to the story, i could see it coming. But then remove yourself a little bit and you can’t honestly think at all a person with autism can become some super soldier and another who can hack into world computers and shit. Banana’s stuff but that’s why you should just see the movie.

This feels mean but I don’t believe this guy actually has Asperger’s Syndrome enough to comment on a movie but not just google really fast if this movie has anything to do with autism.

This is probably true and the downfall of Lamar Blackburn’s character. Why the fuck would you hand over your whole operation to a living breathing super computer who’s out to look for mistakes in your book keeping when you can just write a check to a bunch of Ivy League schools who have to stay in a cubicle and trying to skate by with out working. His own downfall.

Bro its an accountant who cooks the books for the mob. Yea if you took Lau from The Dark Knight and made a movie about him it would only be mildly interesting, but in this case he’s Batman also.

Christian Wolff should’ve been an Autistic, Gay, Muscular, Hand to Hand Combat fighter Accountant. It sounds like a mess of a character but it already sounded preposterous with out the gay part so including it might’ve just skated by in the shadows of all his other character.

Big win for the nerds and the people with autism. This one’s for you guys and for Messi and Datsyuk, we know you guys are sneaky autistic.

He doesn’t need an excel spreadsheet because he IS an excel spreadsheet. Plus if he didn’t write on walls, how else would you recognize his genius. Only genius write on windows. Fact