Tag Archives: Movies

Screen Rant: Arrival **SPOILERS** (This Is Manly About Jeremy Renner)

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In a shocking turn of events, this movie kinda stinks to me. Its a classic scenario where the sum of the parts are greater than the sum of the whole even though some parts i didn’t even care for.  I hear some people saying its a perfect sci-fi movie and all this gibber jabber. You know what makes an awesome sci-fi movie? Fucking Aliens and Humans fighting to the death in space or some shit. You know what makes a lame Sci-fi movie? Aliens just sitting down wasting our time only for nothing to happen while basically sitting in french class. That was Arrival. Don’t get me wrong I had a little bit of a kick watching the movie. Sure it was cool watching how the fuck we would begin to even kind of speak to aliens that can’t communicate with us. Was there a level of suspense? Sure. But ultimately this is just the like a Biography on Amy Adams’ character and the biggest story to her is just the one time the world was in a frenzy because aliens came down to earth all intimidating as shit and somehow she brokered a peace treaty with nothing happening as if we’re suppose to be cool with these aliens. I’ll admit fully that I probably was in the wrong thinking it was going to be some crazy action summer blockbuster when it says Mystery/Drama/Sci-fi. But you can’t just have 12 alien ships touching down on Earth, Jeremy Renner, and a whole military vibe and expect me to think this is an alien rendition of the Treaty of Paris, and even that should involve coalition forces pressuring a midget alien into giving up power before hand. All together I give it a 9 alien spaceships out of 12 that landed on earth. Good film that’s a thought provoking and interesting but fails to give Jeremy Renner a gun or some sort of long distance weapon he could use to maim Heptapods while point a gun at one of the aliens and saying, in a southie accent, “See my face? You tell the aliens, all right. But just remember, I’ve seen yours too.

Do We Buy Jeremy Renner As A Scientist?

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Probably something most people let fly right by them but not me. Probably the most different role Renner has ever jumped into. Now I’m a Renner gun. Hurt Locker was awesome. The Town, awesome. Hawkeye, maybe not the coolest of the cast but the guy seriously can’t miss, that means a lot when a human has to take on aliens from space. But all of those guys play badasses with weapons, because whether Renner realizes it or not, the guy was born to hold range weapons in his hand. I don’t know what it is, maybe its the fact that you can always picture him in Oakley sunglasses and probably Axe hair styling products. Did he do a decent job playing this character in this movie, sure. But its to the point where he just suits the role of a gunner, not a scientist. Sure the movie dresses him up with glasses and half zip sweaters and enough dialogue to make him feel like a scientist. But the fact of the matter is Scientist are nerds and they don’t look like Jeremy Renner. They look like this. galileo-photo hawking_2007 images

Michio Kaku, PHYSICS OF THE IMPOSSIBLE, ASp09_Kaku_9780307278821aup.tif, credit: Andrea Brizzi

Close your eyes for a second and let me paint you a scene and you tell me when the image falls apart.

Man wakes up. He looks at his alarm clock, its 6:45 A.M. He gets out of bed and goes into the shower to get ready for the day. He exits shower and gets a good amount of Axe™pomade and styles his hair. As he leaves the house he picks up his sunglasses and keys. He departs his home on his motorcycle to his work. He arrives at his science laboratory and begins to do science and theoretical physicists work with numbers on a chalk board. He sciences to the point where he runs out of space on his chalk board and begins to write science math on the glass windows of his science laboratory. Struggling with a math equation that involves numbers, Greek symbols, and letters, he scratches his rugged but clean cut, pomade styled head of hair in confusion.

Things all sorta add up right? He wakes up early to do science stuff. He writes on chalk boards AND glass windows. The typical mark of a scientist. Just somethings not adding up and i bet your puzzled because this characterization is almost spot on but let me tell you where it all falls apart. Its the Hair styling products. I know. shocked. See a science nerd wakes up and sciences 24/7. He’s not concerned with having sex with a human girl, only to make a really big science discovery. So as you can see they would have no need to style their hair or look good. Jeremy Renner is a good looking dude. Sure he’s kinda short. But other than that the guy styles his hair and works out. 2 things that scientist definitely do not do. I’ll even go as far as to say on a day to day occasion JR might put on a leather cuff to let the ladies know he still plays guitar. Just things that book worms who went to MIT wouldn’t do. I don’t blame Renner for playing the role, I blame casting for getting a rock star bad ass to play a guy that reads books on black holes and shit.

QUOTE OF THE FILM

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Such a bizarre line for the movie. Bold line.  A line that maybe Jeremy Renner could get away with. Not one that a science nerd could though however. You know who else could pull off a line like that? Black people. Those smooth motherfuckers just go up to the hottest girl in the club and say “damn girl, I want you to have my baby” and next thing you know her pants look like the target of a water balloon fight. I pull a line like that and I guarantee Id get a jab to the throat and thrown in jail.

IMDB COMMENTERS

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This is a lot of writing, like 500 words all so i can cal him a NERDDDDDDD for being a book reader. NNNNNEEEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDD

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Hey guy, maybe its time you grow up and have kids or something because there’s no reason what so ever to “cry like a baby” from a movie that was basically like watching 7th grade french class between Amy Adams and a pair of aliens.

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Amy Adams is in fact getting to the point where i only associate her with Aliens.

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Making Aliens build a roof and making them pay for it. You can disagree with all of Trumps other policies and his foreign relations he might have but if he pulled that off he’s be on the side of Mount Rushmore with George Washington and who ever else is on the side of that mountain.

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Stressed out to the max. Was stressed watching the bird be stressed

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Bro fuck outta here. Interstellar was fucking awesome. Guy acts as if traveling across the universe in space to rescue humanity is like taking I-75 to Orlando or something. Definitely trumps Arrival.

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Breaded and fried with a dipping sauce. Not because i think that was is particularly better or “respects the ingredients” more as chefs say, but because anything deep fried in a heavy batter with a lot of dipping sauces makes almost anything tolerable. Can cook part of a boot and i probably wouldn’t mind if it had enough blue cheese or marinara.

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Sounds like my next homework assignment

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True story but its 2016 almost 2017 so I gotta be progressive about this.

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I can never look away. Sidenote though, imagine if you found out his eye was normal this whole time and he just did that as an act. Like you watch him slowly walking around town and his left eye opens up slowly to normal like Keyzer Soze.

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See, this person gets it.

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Bet this guy called his friends and family about this theory.

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Frog is wrong

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#FactsOnly

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I bet Ayyylmao would negotiate with terrorist. Bro they’re aliens that refuse to try to learn OUR language and are intimidating as shit. Not to mention no one really hurt the aliens at any point besides the bomb and even then they were fine. Fuck these aliens.

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Typical

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……..Id watch that porn.

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I assume razor323 means Robert Langdon in which case, Scoreboard. Guy solved 2 mysteries to Amy Adam’s goose egg. Sure he specializes in religious stuff, but u can’t not consider bringing him in to interview for the job.

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This is the kind of nerd who went to Space camp or something, took back 1 fact that stuck with him forever and cam in joy writing out this technical quibble that no one cares about. Nerd.

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Screen Rant: The Accountant **Spoilers**

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Boom fresh out of the theaters and still in my brain is a screen rant of this weekend’s highest grossing film, The Accountant. Ben Affleck has had an interesting journey at this point. Been through the highs and lows of Hollywood and might be Tinsel town’s most typical Hollywood actor. Won awards a pair of Oscars, made shit movies like Gigli and Daredevil, been in major blockbusters like Pearl Harbor, evolved into a director and made awesome movies like The Town. Dated actresses and cheated on them with nanny’s. Well now he comes with the movie The Accountant, an action thriller about an idiot savant accountant that handles the money situation for the mob and ends up being a military trained hand to hand combat fighter with a weapon’s cache fit for a small militia including a minigun as his personal home security system and a Barrett 50 cal rifle. Oh yea and someone’s out to kill him because he found out a person a robot company was slowly stealing away like 60+ million dollars.

I’m not gonna pretend to be non-biased here. I’m an Affleck guy. The Town’s one of my favorite go to watches of all time. It’s a modern day Heat. The Accountant off the top of my head i give it a decent solid 7. I don’t need a Daniel Day Lewis magnificent performance or a story written like a Charlie Kaufman film and i don’t really think this movie pretends to be that exactly. I would describe it as an intense version of Jack Reacher mixed with Drive. Action all around with a story trying to have twist and teases, but tries to have funny moments? I didn’t laugh through any of it but I had a decent time watching it. Certain things were predictable but then again was it at all predictable considering no one would expect a person with autism have a kill count and can bench 200lbs. So yea, not the best, but certainly not the worst and I would pay 10 bucks anytime to watch Affleck do some hardcore karate and shoot people any day of the week.

DON’T EVER GIVE CHRISTIAN WOLFF BLUE BALLS

Listen all you playboys and Lothario’s out there. Not all of us are slinging the pipe every second. I’m not saying I don’t try to wet the beak a little from time to time, and I don’t know if strong muscular autistic people get sexual desires but we’re all human and some times after some long talk and hands roaming, if it leads to nothing, you get blue balls. Too much blood rushing to the penis or something. It’s uncomfortable. And sure I can just get it off my mind off it, take a cold shower or even walk it off. Christian Wolff can’t. Something in the chemistry in his brain just sends him into a manic state if he just can’t finish. We all saw it pretty much, him balls deep in numbers on the board fucking those accounting numbers every which way possible. Next thing you know, boom. Some janitor washed away his puzzle piece/metaphorical orgasm and next thing you know he cant get his car parked just right and then he starts clubbing the shit out of his leg (which i didn’t understand from the beginning). Don’t think that was the short term affect either. I mean the company scrubbed his work, he put a bullet in the CEO’s dome. Don’t even try to keep Wolff away from finishing or else it’ll be your death.

DON’T BABY YOUR KIDS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY

Millennials and baby millennials these days. We’ve all scoffed at those parents who think their kid shouldn’t play in the sand like us common kids. We all know rubbing Purell sure kills germs but we also always fight back with “It’s killing the good germs too!” Well that’s like a microcosm for what this movie is trying to say here. Just cause your son’s autistic doesn’t mean you should keep him locked in his room playing with a picture puzzle. I’m not trying to pretend to be a doctor, here. If your kid’s entire body is septic yea MAYBE keep him locked up like the bubble boy. But other than that, let your autistic kid roll in the sand and build up those tolerances to germs and shit. Maybe get them to fight a trained martial arts instructor until their cut and bleeding and almost beaten to a pulp too. Just a little advice if you want your nerd savant to be a total bad ass too.

IMDB COMMENTERS

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NEEERRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD. Congrats SunFlowerFortunato, you overpaid to attend business school so you can work at a big accounting firm where you WILL contemplate suicide. Seriously name a douchier thread on IMDB, you can’t.

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See this is one of those reasons why I don’t know if you can say it was predictable or not. Like sure in compliance to the movie i could see where you’re logically piecing things together in accordance to the story, i could see it coming. But then remove yourself a little bit and you can’t honestly think at all a person with autism can become some super soldier and another who can hack into world computers and shit. Banana’s stuff but that’s why you should just see the movie. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-23-15-pm

This feels mean but I don’t believe this guy actually has Asperger’s Syndrome enough to comment on a movie but not just google really fast if this movie has anything to do with autism.screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-23-03-pm

This is probably true and the downfall of Lamar Blackburn’s character. Why the fuck would you hand over your whole operation to a living breathing super computer who’s out to look for mistakes in your book keeping when you can just write a check to a bunch of Ivy League schools who have to stay in a cubicle and trying to skate by with out working. His own downfall. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-22-53-pm

Bro its an accountant who cooks the books for the mob. Yea if you took Lau from The Dark Knight and made a movie about him it would only be mildly interesting, but in this case he’s Batman also. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-22-41-pm

Christian Wolff should’ve been an Autistic, Gay, Muscular, Hand to Hand Combat fighter Accountant. It sounds like a mess of a character but it already sounded preposterous with out the gay part so including it might’ve just skated by in the shadows of all his other character.screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-21-42-pm

Big win for the nerds and the people with autism. This one’s for you guys and for Messi and Datsyuk, we know you guys are sneaky autistic. screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-20-54-pm

He doesn’t need an excel spreadsheet because he IS an excel spreadsheet. Plus if he didn’t write on walls, how else would you recognize his genius. Only genius write on windows. Fact