Minus wanting a crazy rush in the middle of a nightclub surrounded by chicks ready to snort the same stuff as you just did and an increased chance to have sex with said, one of those chicks, I can’t imagine snorting anything up my nose. Call me a pussy but i just feel like it would really fuck with my sinus. When I was a kid i remember we would pretend to be cool as shit and bust out pixie sticks into a coke line and one time my buddy snorted it up and said it burned, proceeded to sneeze a bunch with a bunch of mucus. We all had a great laugh but he said it was uncomfortable as shit and burned. So yea probably not gonna do that chocolate powder and for $19.99 none the less. I mean yea compared to cocaine it certainly has it beat in cost but if you’re telling me all I need to party like the Stone’s in their heyday is cocoa powder then I’ll stroll into Walmart on the way to the club and get a can of Nesquik for like 8 bucks and a Redbull. Boom. That’s all this shit is. So if you want to pretend to be about that life go ahead and rip open a tin of cocoa powder and sniff it in between trading stocks working a high stress finance job then go for it.
Thrilled by his experience with the Avengers, young Peter Parker returns home to live with his Aunt May. Under the watchful eye of mentor Tony Stark, Parker starts to embrace his newfound identity as Spider-Man. He also tries to return to his normal daily routine — distracted by thoughts of proving himself to be more than just a friendly neighborhood superhero. Peter must soon put his powers to the test when the evil Vulture emerges to threaten everything that he holds dear.
Prime time Summer blockbuster season is in effect. Nothing on TV besides baseball. Everyone’s going back to work from their 4th of July weekend. We’re in the dog days of summer which means everyone should sit in a nice cool movie theater to burn off a couple of hours to escape the heat and no better way to do that than to peep Spiderman: Homecoming.
At this point if you’ve been keeping up about the movie you know people are saying its the best Spiderman film to date. Honestly I have nothing to say otherwise. I never hated the Tobey or Andrew Garfield Spiderman’s but I certainly didn’t love them. There was the awkward scene from Spider-man 1 with him and Green Goblin with no facial movements and all dialogue.
Such a dumb look to have the very expressive movements with no actual mouth movements. And then there was the stiff statue swing scene where He rescues MJ and it was just her holding onto a dummy behind a green screen. A dummy that was as stiff as Tobey’s acting in the rest of the movie. Is it petty that those 2 things make me hate the movie that has way more flaws than just that? I don’t care. Now many people argue that Spider-man 2 was one of the best super hero movies of all time and while I don’t have anything bad to say about it, I enjoyed Homecoming much more. And Spider-man 3? That movie stunk to high heavens.
The Amazing Spiderman tried to hearken back to some comic book material with Gwen Stacy and his own brains coming up with the webbing but still tried to do the same old origin story format which means the movie will spend up to 45 minutes of screen time watching him get the spider bite and watching his uncle die again and again.
If they made another Spiderman origin movie, it probably would’ve been okay, would’ve made a bunch of money and go through the love and hate cycles of most movies, but this time they tried to do everything different. When Batman V. Superman came out the 1st 15 minutes is watching Batman’s parents get killed again. Been there done that. Not interested. This Spiderman is younger and we get to ignore poor Uncle Ben get lit up in the streets of New York. Thank god. You didn’t go see Titanic to watch a big ass boat sink into the ice, you watched it for love and the nude scene. We’ll you don’t go watch Spiderman just to watch some old white guy get shot and killed. Comic book movies are for kids and the inner kids inside us and the last thing our inner kid wants to do is watch a funeral scene get in the way of watching Super hero stuff.
We knew since Civil War they wanted to have a fresh start and avoid the cliche marks of the Spiderman story and they do a good job of it in Homecoming. Besides the whole “Uncle Ben I’m shot and dead but do the right thing” scene, Homecoming is just refreshing to see with the different things going on. It takes place a substantial amount outside of Manhattan. Crazy to think that location can play that much but we’re so use to seeing Peter swing around NYC. This one we got locations in DC, the Suburbs and in 40,000 fucking feet in the sky. It just all feels so new and different just from the look of the setting to the cast of characters that are different. We don’t get the super aggressive Flash who always seems like is going to end up a wife beater that somehow made it to a school for nerds. Seriously, in The Amazing Spiderman he was about to beat up a kid just for existing and made it seem like he was suppose to be a highly recruited D1 athlete that is also a nerd because he goes to a fancy school. Guy was suppose to be a Ryan Fitzpatrick type with tendencies to dabble into physical domestic abuse. In this one we actually see Spiderman have a friend. I know Spider-man 1 he had Harry but lets be real, guy fucked MJ in that one. At that moment, he’s no friend of Spidey’s at all.
Another thing I like is just the little nuances that Spiderman has that just seem to add to his character’s believability. First off we get an awesome suit. Again, the old one’s were fine but inconceivable that they come up with and tailor make a stream line suit that was fit for combat. Well here, simple. It takes place in the MCU so Stark and his billions of dollars just fabricates one. That just opens the door to so much more. What I like about the 3rd Iron man movie and Age of Ultron was to see the different interactions with the suit. Iron man 3 had a modular suit with prehensile capabilities that let him just wear pieces of the suit. In AoU you see it in parts on Tony where chest and back pieces just fly onto him. Those kind of interactions just add to the magic of film, despite those not being the favorite among their own series. If you slow down AoU you can actually see him close in his hand when he summons the hand/arm gauntlet just so it can fit over and wrap around his arm. Well in this we actually see a very reasonable technique for Peter to put on the suit. It just vacuum seals onto him. Where the other suits look like they need to be painted on. And then there’s just things like watching him use the web shooters. The old movies the web shooting ability was more of a vehicle for him to travel but in this one it just feels like he utilizes it more as a weapon than previous versions. At one point he fights The Vulture and you see him connecting the web together and slapping his hands down to connect it to the ferry and various uses of the web to take out bad guys. Just little details like that that make me wonder if there was in fact a teenage boy in New York that can do all of this, this is how he would specifically do it.
We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention Michael Keaton’s performance. Honestly guy knocks it out of the park. I need to buy one of those Aviator jackets ASAP because even though I probably would look like an asshole wearing it in Florida, it looks bad ass. And the Vulture winged suit itself was awesome. When the word started trickling out that the bad guy was going to the the Vulture, I immediately looked it up and you got a guy that looked like a bald Izzy Mandelbaum in green spandex with feathers. Going from that idea to what we got with this jet fighter hover wing suit was a total 180. The fighter pilot look was bad ass since Top Gun, well add that and giant alien powered metal wing jets that lets you roam around New York City. Even his character outside of the bird suit was pretty menacing. I think the MCU has gotten a lot of unfair criticism that their bad guy’s suck. Well in the story line of the movie, I think The Vulture and Spiderman are on a very stream line path towards each other that when they finally go head to head in the 3rd act, you are very on the edge of your seat ready to see what happens.
Aside from that a little notes here and there, I really didn’t know what to expect from Zendaya’s role. She had a large part of the promotion of the movie so I figured she would have a much larger role than what she had but keep in mind that this is a movie universe and I think they set her up for much more in the future, and by far one of my favorite scenes in the movie was Peter walking into his Homecoming dance and he sees her and she just waives and gives him the finger. Delivery was hilarious. And besides that a lot of people were saying that this was like an Iron man film with some Spiderman. Honestly he doesn’t over shadow the movie at all. He just plays the role of a mentor and pops in here and there but besides what you see in the trailers and to help set up the time line but not much more than that. Who I wish had a larger role was Marisa Tomei. Honestly didn’t think she had enough screen time but what little scenes she was in, she did a good job just playing the fun aunt. Always thought it was wild knowing that it was suppose to be an Aunt and from Spiderman 1 they give us a frail old lady who was suppose to be the same age as Peter’s mom.
When the news first came out, I remember them saying they wanted to treat it like a John Hughes film and they even make a little homage cameo to Farris Bueller’s Day Off. It goes along with the new approach to Super hero movies that are geared more as a genre film. Winter Soldier a Spy thriller, Ant Man a heist movie, Ragnarok is suppose to be like a buddy road trip film. Well I think Homecoming does a decent enough job in making me care about the teenage drama side of being Peter Parker as much as I want to see the Spiderman side. I like how the director, John Watts said that at that age everything is hard from passing in school, to talking to girls, to being a super hero taking on villains. Now can I relate to that last part? No. But I think the film does a decent job in the balance between Peter Parker as the kid and Peter Parker as Spiderman and the transitional periods in between and that ,in the end, is the conflict and the center of any Spiderman movie and this movie does a decent job in highlighting that. Its a fresh take on a Spiderman movie, and a Super hero movie, and another addition to the MCU. Solid 8/10. Enjoyable Summer movie and the best version of Spiderman so far.
Other Notes For The MCU
Nebula the Patricide
I don’t know if I said this at the time when I wrote the Post for GotG Vol. 2 but I have a sneaky feeling that Nebula is going to be the one to put the dagger in Thanos. No one else has the distinct motive to kill Thanos. Like Tony Stark doesn’t even know the guy exist right now. But after re-watching GotG Vol. 2, first off that scene where Nebula and and Gomora talk and says Thanos pulled her eye from her head and her brain from her skull and arm from her body and how she always just wanted a sister was one of the most heart wrenching moments I’ve ever seen. By far one of the best lines given in the entire MCU, but that has to make her the one to kill Thanos. Sure one of the 60 other characters in the Marvel world are gonna help in doing that, but I need Nebula to be the one to pull the trigger, one, because I have that theory out now a year before the movie comes out, and two, because she is the most justified in doing so.
Russo Brother’s Tweet
Now a tweet before this….
was obviously a screen shot of the cage door that opens up to reveal the Infinity Gauntlet. So the big question is wtf is that thing now they’re tweeting out that’s gonna make the nerds scratch their head as they try to figure out what it is. Some people are saying some special Arc Reactor for stark? Some Portal thing? Me personally, I think Stark knows he’s going to need Caps help in Infinity Wars and they’re going to get the squad back together and after he saw that the current shield has Black Panther claw marks in it, he decides to rebuild a super shield of sorts. I mean the outside kind of looks like the shield for one, and two, we’ve seen that in Iron Man 2, there is more to it than just a thin layer of vibranium that went into the original prototype, and three, im pretty sure they mention a new shield for cap at one point in Homecoming so Looks like i might be right.
I feel like everyone in one time in their life has a little panty raid story. Nothing when you’re past the age of 13 but I’m pretty sure everyone has had a time where they snuck in to their friend’s sister room and taken their panties. Well this guy probably did that and that moment on his inner perverted criminal mind was hatched. I know it’s not like they figured out who Jack the Ripper was or caught the next Jeffery Dahmer, but the fact of the matter stands. They took down a criminal with 20 years of thieving experience. I get it, it’s not like they took him down in the act with a crazy sting operation involving him pocketing used women’s underwear. But still you know how weird the Japanese can get with sex fetish stuff so all things considered It’s kind of like they took down the Zodiac killer in the criminal world of used Women’s underwear. I mean if you think this guy is a casual perverted thief who occasionally gets offs wearing lace, you’re wrong. There’s no doubt in my mind this guy has made a shrine of his crimes and capers of all the thongs he’s stolen and has documented his feeling of wearing said used woman’s underwear. Guy must’ve been at the end of his ropes too. 61, old as shit, doesn’t know if he can make it any longer so he just snatches an unheard of NINE used panties hanging out to dry. Poor sick fuck know he was gonna get caught doing that probably. No sympathy from me, but a small part does wonder had he not been caught where the number would end up in the end. Probably enough underwear to restock a Goodwill store for years to come.
Please ignore the fact that as you’re reading this, my dick is rock hard. Yea I know it’s weird but get over it because the second you watch that trailer your dick is gonna be hard too and now we’re just a bunch of guys and girls with hard dicks in our pants. Strange, yes, but true. Nothing gets my blood rushing like a good Jackie Chan trailer. Guy’s the epitome of action star at it’s purest form doing his own stunts and kicking people’s ass left and right. This is like some Taken, Jason Borne, meets every Jackie Chan movie ever type of shit. I knew Jackie was leaning away from his more martial arts type rolls, but we knew he cant leave that shit behind entirely. Hand to hand combat is his drug habit. I don’t care if he decides to make some political drama thriller, it’s gonna involve kicking some dude into a broom closet and taking some average inanimate object and using it turn some dude into a spinning top and kicks their ass with it. Honestly I don’t even really know what exactly is going on, is he turning into the bad dude? Like victim turned evil? What’s Pierce Brosnan deal in it? No one knows exactly unless you’re a nerd who read the book its suppose to be based off of i guess. But either way Thank god this movie isn’t tooo far away. Just enough time to let the swelling go down and enough time to ponder what exactly is going on.
P.s- This part I let out a big smile knowing it’s a Classic JC movie turned into a big action fighting moment. Fucking Chan leaping down from the clouds like a tiger.
Before she was Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), she was Diana, princess of the Amazons, trained to be an unconquerable warrior. Raised on a sheltered island paradise, Diana meets an American pilot (Chris Pine) who tells her about the massive conflict that’s raging in the outside world. Convinced that she can stop the threat, Diana leaves her home for the first time. Fighting alongside men in a war to end all wars, she finally discovers her full powers and true destiny.
Well well well looks like DCEU has come out with a respectable movie. This was all the hype this week so you guys know this is what was coming. To be honest I actually saw Wonder Woman on wednesday but was too busy to actually get to blog it. Why? Because Miami is a fucking nightmare to drive through. See I decided to go to one of those booooogie ass theaters all the way in miami. Shit was pretty much a night club and I was about as under dressed as a hooker to a funeral. Seriously people were wearing silk shirts and shit to peep Wonder Woman. But besides that there was about an hours worth of construction traffic to treck through just to get back close to 95 and then another 20 minutes there so I was just dead stuck late as balls and the affect of Wonder Woman wore out. So yea, you get this blog a few days later, but then again this is also my site so I don’t have to make excuses to none of y’all.
So Wonder Woman. A lot of hype has gone down and well deserved because this is the first major expansion piece in the DCEU that hasn’t been affected by Zach Snyder. First part in actively competing with Marvel Studios and I think it did a great job. Now me personally I have some qualms. Things I don’t like in movies in general. Personally I think the movie was awesome for about 90% of it. I don’t know what the original origin story of Wonder Woman was, because I know they changed it a bit, but it was a good enough modern take on Wonder Woman, I thought. It was good that it was an origin story and wasn’t super tied to the other DC movies which let it kinda gave it free reign to go which ever direction they wanted. Now obviously this does tie into Batman v Superman, and I’m not sure how much was written then regarding the photograph scene used in BvS, but either way, they incorporated it really well into this origin story. Now what happens after this, I’m not sure about because I think the origin story and the setting of it all is what I like a lot about this movie, where I thought Diana Prince in BvS was cool, not great, but everything after as Wonder Woman I’m not sure of because she’s mostly just a Superman character after this. If Patty Jenkins stays and they have free reign to do what ever story type they want, maybe films after will be fine but if not, I’m expecting just a normal super hero conflict where this one she played the fish out of water character which was fun and well acted as well and had a really good emotional draw with World War 1 as the setting.
Speaking of World War 1, I think that was the best part of this movie. Her interaction with the world at such a bleek moment in history and what she could bring to the table. Honestly, fuck that fictional earth for liking Superman more. Did he ever fight in the Great War? No. Her origin in Themyscira and the land they built there was awesome and all kinda made sense and wasn’t an absurd story line which was great but once she stepped foot in the real world that’s where I really started enjoying the movie. There is a component where I just like non-modern times in action movies but really this one I liked because the contrast of a very brutal war on screen and what her fight in it was. I hate to compare it to other comic book movies but, its almost like Captain America mixed with Thor. Has that same pride filled character with a sense of duty as Steve Rodgers but was a fish out of water like Thor, only done much better than both those. But like I said, I liked 90% of it. What I didn’t like though was the last bit. Its very hard to do things differently and I’ll fully admit that because she is a Super hero with abilities and stuff but every time in the last fight scene where they do something with powers beyond normal human ability it gets a littttllllleeee cheesey. It just has a small bit of Zach Snyder stench that I just couldnt rub off. Some of it has to do with CGI probably and just outrageous action happening. But also it has something to do with ********SPOILERSSSSS*********** the fact that the final enemy was actually Ares. Don’t get me wrong, I do think it is in line with the movie, but I personally, liked the concept of Ares in this movie and her thought that Ares actually existed when in fact it was just the war and brutality of man. I mean I do think her motivations to fight would change a bit if it were just that, but I just didn’t think Ares himself needed to be in this movie. Now I fully understand her being in this world absolutely means that Ares is too. But to have him, be the final guy was a bit out there for me when I really enjoyed the down to earth grittyness of war. I figured the smelling salts that was turning Danny Huston’s character into the incredible hulk would actually turn him into an opponent that Wonder Woman couldn’t curb stomp right away or that there would be some tense moment where they needed to do the impossible to save a village from German soldiers.
All together it was a great movie and a huge win for DC. People though so far in the early releases are giving it an 8.5. That is a bit too high on my scale. For one like i said, I don’t like some of the cheesier self righteous dialogue and fighting towards the end. I get it but just not my cup of tea and I think could be done better. And also if you’re going to criticize Marvel for their weak villains I think you could make the same argument here. I mean again Ludendorff and the Doctor Poison lady were kind of weak to me. No real story behind them of driving factor and they both were pretty disposable. And I get Ares is the main bad guy in the end but I didn’t really care for his portrayal from who played him, to his look, to the heavy CGI fight scene. Like I said, me personally I didn’t liek the last bit but that is really only the last like 15 minutes of a great super hero action movie. Total score= 7.95 to 8.05. Gal Gadot was great pick. Honestly thought in my head that they shoulda picked a more jacked chick but Gadot was great and the chemistry with Chris Pine, who was also good, made for a great team up. The only thing is that stench of Zack Snyder lingers just enough to me and depending on my mood can swing between the two scores.
Now for some other stuff!
Gal Gadot/ Princess Diana and the Amazonians
Gal Gadot. What a smoke bomb. And the other Amazonians in Themyscira, it must suck to be you. I never saw a single episode of Orange is the New Black but I imagine Themyscira is some what similar to an all female penitentiary except its on a tropical island. They must hate the super hot chick. I believe it was Al Bundy who said “Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.” Well that last part must ring true all over Themyscira. Just chicks passive aggressively hating the fuck out of Diana. Sure there’s no competition for men there on their made up land but when your mom looks like Gisele Bundchen and the rest of the women in the yard look like girls from Pittsburgh with broad shoulders that would scare away any man, there’s a major reason for jealousy. Before i saw the movie I said I thought they shoulda went with a more jacked chick. Sure it wouldn’t be as hot probably but if I’m gonna believe this person fights the entire Central Army in the Great War, she’s gotta be able to bench at least like 200. Well I missed the point entirely. Diana, obviously born of god is like the coach’s son. Just privileged as fuck in god given ability even though she doesn’t look like she can curl 30s. Fights an entire army and doesn’t even sweat in the least and still looks like she can walk a run way. I said earlier above that I wasn’t sure how I would feel about any sequel to Wonder Woman just because it probably looses some allure for me if shes fighting in the modern world. Well the only natural event to happen in the DCEU is all the women of Themyscira become salty as shit and revolt to try to take out the pretty chick. I don’t remember what happens in Mean Girls either but I feel like its the Super hero version of that. All the chicks be catty towards the hot one and one of them will say “thats so fetch.”
Feminist Want Wonder Woman To Have Armpit Hair
Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You get a strong female lead that does well financially and opens the doors to many other female lead roles, but that’s not enough, they want arm pit hair. Honestly why would women even want arm pit hair. First off who’s to say Amazonians aren’t just the perfect breed of females who just don’t grow arm pit hair? Who’s to say she didn’t use Zeus’s sword to get the closest and most comfortable shave ever? Its recorded in comic book lore that Diana’s sword is so sharp it can slice electrons apart. That my friends is a close shave. But listen, you want to be a butch and ugly worker who doesn’t care about her looks because she too tired to shave after chopping trees, go ahead. You want to look like a super smoke paris run way model, go ahead. The point is Wonder Woman is hot and can flip a tank on your heads and all that shit. Oh and shes a symbol of truth and justice and all that other stuff.
Name a hotter cast for this summer. You can’t. On Wednesday Baywatch had a special Wednesday release instead of the normal Thursday and naturally I had to watch is because The Rock is my dude. I’ll follow Rocky Maivia tot he ends of the earth if I have to. Also super fun fact, his baby mama is my neighbor, but I swear on gods green earth that that fact will not weigh into my opinion on this movie.
So Baywatch, first of all you gotta realize what this movie is. They’re not trying to mimic Michael Bay in the size of their action scenes. It’s not trying to be a Christopher Nolan movie that is intelligent and deep and well planned action. Its an action comedy featuring essentially models, perfect human specimens, as comedic action stars (minus Jon Bass’s character). We’re not trying to break cinematic barriers here and at one point they even wrote in a joke pointing out the self awareness of what Baywatch is, so all those reviews that trash it can go kick rocks. Those opinions aren’t welcome cause they’re trying to compare Baywatch, a comedy remake of a hit 90’s television show that was technically canceled after 1 season, to the master works of Federico Felini.
But I will say, this movie sometimes, if i were to critique it, it fails at finding out what it is. Is it a comedy, is it action, can it balance both? Many of the thought heading into it was also that its suppose to be like 21 Jump Street. A very good comparison but the difference is Jonah Hill is funny. Works in comedy, is known for comedy etc. Channing Tatum, looks like a dumb idiot but is also pretty funny in a comedic sense. The Rock is conversationally funny. Zac Efron, probably not the funniest guy ever. And when the whole movie revolves around those 2 characters, it sometimes feels lacking in humor. Now don’t get me wrong, I still had a damn good time watching it and there are funny scenes that will probably give a chuckle. And lets face it, you’re not going to see this for the plot, you’re going to watch action scenes with the Rock and laugh at some jokes and stare at hot chicks in the movie. And with critics slamming Baywatch, it undersells maybe to the point where you watch it and go “oh it wasn’t as bad as they were making it out to be.” So all in all I give it a 6.- O wait a minute.
**Goes To Answer The Door**
Me: Hey! Dany! How’s it going?
Dany (a.k.a the Rocks Baby Mama): Hey Ed! Hows it going? Just wanted to stop by and say Hi!
Me: Oh all is well, I actually got done watching the movie you produced, Baywatch! It was great! Hilarious fun summer action film. Great entertainment that you can watch with your friends and not have to take seriously!
Dany: Ah good good. Alright well jsut stopping by to say Hi. Maybe One day I can bring The Rock to come meet you since we’re neighbors and all! I’ll let you get back to blogging!
Okay, sorry bout that guys. Neighbors just wanted to say hi. Anyways yea, Baywatch? 15 out of 10. Run to the movies with your buddies and just don’t act poor because you can’t afford 10 dollars a ticket.
Now before we get to the discussions did I ever tell you guys the Rocks baby mama is my neighbor? Little fun fact. Discussion!
You know how they say the idea of college isn’t necessary anymore? How we all kinda learn specific things that apply to our career and don’t need to learn shit like a fifth foreign language or learn about the Stars in order to get a degree and be successful. Well do we really need the Olympics anymore? I love the Olympics. I like the story lines and I’ll always root for USA to dominate other countries because we have the resources to produce athletes like Lebron. But now a days like we have one or two competitions that the world focuses in on. I.E. swimming. Why? Because we were able to market the shit out of guys like Michael Phelps and his albatross wing span. But that’s one athlete out of thousands from around the world. Back then when you ask someone if they would want to be an Olympic athlete I’m sure people fell in love with the thought that it could happen. Now though? When you see the amount of money that goes around being in a pro sport league compared to now a days when the guy making your Subway sandwich or worker at Home Depot could be an Olympic athlete, its a haarrrrddddd pass. Now granted, I’m no athlete, Olympic, pro, or amateur, shit not even collegiate, but still, the thought that you can be Matt Brody, perfect body, 2x gold medalist and still just be a life guard stinks.
How about Hasselhoff Cameoing in 2 hit summer movies within the same month for characters he played a million years ago? He said 1 line of dialogue in Guardians 2 and gave almost a paragraph worth of dialogue in the Baywatch remake and probably made a couple hundred thousand just for that. Fucking Hollywood man.
RANK THE HOTNESS
Lot of hot bods in this movie. A clear reason why It’s at least worth a watch.
8.) The Field
Not gonna lie, a little disappointed in what we got going on with the non stars. I know it doesn’t focus much on the outside characters, and there for certain were some hot chicks in the crowd, but in a movie that should only have hot people, there was nothing dazzling in the crowd.
A crowd of X’s actual cast members and maybe 2 chicks that I deem hot enough for Baywatch. The rest are just guys. Not ugly guys, per say, but certainly not hot chicks, thats for certain. I needed at one point, Fast and the Furious shot that just highlights how hot people can be mixed in with a a tracking ass shot. Maybe it got left on the cutting room floor, but either way, it’s absence was felt.
7.) Oscar Martinez/I Cant Remember His Name In This Movie
Gotta throw him into this ranking. He’s a catch 22 type situation. He probably should be below The Field in this ranking, but he showed his cock in this movie. That takes a lot of balls, no pun intended, But also his cock wasn’t impressive, and by the dialogue, also has a big bush, which again should also place him below the field in this ranking. I’m putting him 1 above the bottom because Oscar Martinez was hilarious in the Office. Yea it has nothing to do with Baywatch but this is my blog so I get to manipulate things in this space like I’m god. Deal with it and just laugh at Oscars cock scene.
6.) Kelly Rohrbach
Hard to place her where she is. She’s like a main supporting character and is hot fire. But she’s a model/actress and not the other way around. Her body is all there. But for some reason I can’t place her face above everyone else. Models are about body shape, but actors are all about the face and how distinct it is. Something about hers is a little bit off in this. Maybe its the eyes in some scenes? Maybe in the right light she beams past the competition, but in my heart of hearts based off this movie I can’t move her up more than she already is. She hot as balls clearly because Leo gave her a shot but her face just doesn’t do it for me, compared to everyone else at least. This Gif though begs to differ.
5.) Priyanka Chopra/Victoria Leeds
The baddie of the film. Gorgeous woman. The field I feel like puts here in a weird place being associated so close to the bottom, but make no mistake, she baaddddd, and I mean that in a good way. If i had to pick a gripe, though, maybe, just maybe her lips are too big? Too plump? at a quick glance, she certainly has some DSLs, but for some reason in some of the up close shots you look at them, obviously because you’re picturing doing unchristian things with her, and then at some scenes they looked like they were stuffed with collagen or something.
4.) Zac Efron/ Matt Brody
This fucking guy. First off I will say, spelling Zac with just a “Z-a-c” is a wild move but I like it. When when you don’t know if its Zach or Zack shit maybe even Zak if you’re European or something, but just 3 letters Zac to make life a little bit easier is a decent move in my books. But that’s neither here nor there. So Zach Efron, Guy is ripped. Guy is too ripped for his size. Like at one point if he just dies, I wouldn’t be surprised because his frame and skeletal structure probably can’t handle all that beef. Also his head looks massive. I don’t know why but guy looks like a bobble head out there sometimes. Subtly in looks might suit him better but that wont stop Efron from looking like a champion body builder. That’s not even a realistic look for a swimmer. They’re lean and long armed and don’t have muscle weighing them down. But if ripped up is your flavor, Matt Brody has it.
3.) Alexandra Daddario
Maybe a controversial decision. Alex Daddario is a SMOKEBOMB. Fuego. Eyes are fucking wild, looks hot in those life guard jump suits and stacked. The prototypical Baywatch life guard is a blond but theres always one brunette to offset the blondes and Daddario is a great pick. Those eyes man, their pierce the screen. If I had to make one complaint though, its that this woman can’t for the life of her tan. Always looking pale as shit. In some scenes she looks like she has some color but the next scene it looks like shes coming out for the 1st time since winter. I’ll take that pale ass any day of the week, but just saying, maybe get a base going with some spray on and then bake in the sun for like 4 hours on both sides. Oh also this.
2.) The Rock/Mitch Buchannon
Tall, tan, Handsome smile, muscular, charming, well spoken, a god amongst men, 8 time WWF champion, Father to my neighbors daughter. Really nothing to say here. Should be number 1 but the Rock is a well known being and out of no where number 1 stole my heart away.
1.) Ilfenesh Hadera/Stephanie Holden
Stunning Gorgeous woman. Seriously the more and more i saw of her the more she was nudging the others out of the competition. Smooth mocha skin. Hot bod. Daddario is a hot chick for sure. Ilfenesh Hadera is a hot woman. One you can court around fancy people.
At this point I think I’m just gonna be a full on DC Hater. From what i gather from nerds, DC is ruling in the comic book world while Marvel is killing it on screen. Lucky fro Marvel, I watch comic book movies, not read them like some nerd. and from the 10 year span Marvel has done a solid job while every DC movie just stinks in comparison. Now they don’t have as many, but they want to set the scale and be up to par with an action packed super hero movie, then I’ll judge it as so. And while Heroic Hollywood wants to defend what Justice League seems to be, I’m here to trash it into the ground. Buckle up cause its about to get Nerdy as Fuuucckkkkkk
6.) Age of Heros
This is a reason? We “immediately” need a teamed up Super Hero movie? By the time Justice League Rolls around, I’m pretty sure GotG Vol. 2 will roll around on Blu-Ray which would probably be better, if not maybe get Spiderman Homecoming probably around then as well. Oh and Thor who teams up with the Hulk in Thor Ragnarok comes out like the week before JL. How can you say, a team up super hero action movie is better than the other when the other has already done 2, 2.5 team up movies with a 3rd in the making that has a cast of 64 different unique comic book characters? Marvel tore the team apart so they couldn’t immediately curb stomp Thanos. They’ve been around long enough to build up, tear em down, and build em back up again.
Guy might look like a bad ass biker type when he’s on land and all but why the fuck do I care about Aquaman when he’s on land? Guy looks like he’ll choke and drown if I pinch and hold his nose. As an Aquaman, you kinda lose all respect if you can’t breathe underwater. Not to mention Marvel has been kinda hinting at having their water guy Namor being introduced into the MCU as well and I’m not ruling him out for Infinity Wars. But as of now, you can’t have a guy that can’t breath underwater, who plays a king of water, as a reason it’s suppose to be better than a billion dollar franchise. Do better.
4.) Intro to the New Gods
From what I gather this means that they introduce aliens with god like strength and it bleeds into earth? So Stark tech mixed with Chitari tech mixed with a little Thor? And all of this is based on rumors instead of what’s been released plot wise? Are you allowed to count hypotheticals as solid reasons? No. I hypothetically could have sex with a billion girls, doesn’t mean my sex count is higher than Gosling.
3.) War between Atlantis and Amazon
This is all this list is, future events that may or may not happen. Yea if Marvel can pull any story line from their past that will be epic I’m sure they could, but they also gotta worry about making the movie good. Man of Steel stunk, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice stunk, Suicide Squad was trash. Im sure DC can pump out all they want with a green screen and poorly lit color pallet but I’m siding with the score board here. You want to see 2 advanced civilizations square off? Well I got that. Avengers, Mad war titan Thanos vs one of the best civilizations ever, Humans. We’ve accomplished so much with so little, I’ll never turn my back on Humans.
The second line of this is basically them saying they dont want a Justice League movie, rather a Batman one. Now I like Batman for the most part. Nolan’s Batman movies are awesome and are top tier comic book movies that I can’t dispute. But man fuck that guy. Always dealing with issues abotu his dead parents. The Martha bit in BvS was honestly a joke that kinda feels like jumped the shark but in the end when you break it down, would you give an ISIS leaders a pass because they shared the same name as your mom? No. And people think Superman was fucking lucky being unstoppable strong and fast with all the power in the world to dominate, well fucking same deal with Batman. They just always end up writing him as the best. Some how he’s fast enough to zip away from a laser at high speeds? He’s always the master of the strategy even though u can plop him in space and oh yea he had a space suit ready just because he’s batman. The Writers made him a cheap fuck and I wont stand for it anymore. He might be the Brain but you can’t say he’s the brawn when he himself technically like a small fraction of Superman’s strength. But oh he invented some thing that made him stronger and had it ready just like that so he can pull it out of his pants pocket. Fuck that guy. Im glad his parents are dead.
You think I give a fuck who was made first or who copied who? Who showed up on screen first and better? Thanos. Let’s just go with what will happen in the cinematic universes, Thanos get’s a glove that can erase the universe from existence. Darkseid is after some thing to bend people’s will? The Mind Gem in the Infinity gauntlet I’m pretty sure can do that alone. Darkseid = Trash. Thanos is better/ he’s being played by Josh Brolin/ Kelly T., a lady who cut my hair once in Boston, also cut Josh Brolin’s hair. Me and Thanos having the same Hairstylist once makes him better alone.