What do I always say, anything dealing with snakes is not cool. Sure I like the idea that they’re dead in a box but still, not cool. Let them die off in the ground with vultures scavenging their bodies or something. Mailing them into some European country is not cool either but by far the worst part is the implication that it seems like these Germans were gonna eat them as some sort of delicacy. Fucking Gross man. That’s what I hate about high cultured pretentious delicacy foods. No one can ever rationalize that caviar taste better than a Cheeseburger. Made from cow meat. And not some un-eaten part like cow dick or ass hole or hoofs. Just straight up 100% pure angus what ever part hamburger meat comes from. And you know what? When I go to throw one on the grill the smell doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit my insides out. See nature teaches us things in this world to keep us from doing things. It’s like a life lesson from nature and nurture. Oh it smells like a rotting pile of shit and I might just pass the fuck out if wind blows a hair stronger than the driest day in an Arizona summer? Probably shouldn’t eat it. If a girls pussy smells enough in the heat of sex to make you reconsider going down on her, then she proooobably has something. Same goes for guys too, because it’s 2017 and we’re progressive. See, life lessons. Don’t want herpes, don’t go down on it. Don’t want your insides liquefied then don’t eat rotten snake heads from west Africa. I don’t care if it’s labeled as a delicacy in the rich crowd. The difference between rich ass holes who eat this and poor guys eating this is the rich guy doesn’t care about him shitting out a snake because he’s rich as fuck while you’re probably gonna be in the hospital with insurance premiums shooting through the roof to get your stomach pumped.
In the midst of all this racial tension growing in America between black and white people, The white nationalist and all the other rational people that progressed in life, It really made me happy that I’m just skating under the radar being Asian. No one complaining that we’re taking jobs because all of our jobs are stereotypical Asian restaurants. Sure the rest of my family does banking, pharmaceutical sales, real estate, importing goods, HR representation at major hotel chains and various other jobs that keeps them all well of and in a decent tax bracket. But yea Chinese restaurants and nail salons, that’s what those orientals do. See we got the facade as a harm free immigrant on lock. Math nerds with less intimidating dick sizes so we cant possibly steal away all the white girls. And that’s where we need to balance out the nerd Asians with guys like Rorn Sorn. Yea that name stinks but we need a couple of felons in our camp to edge out the book worm behavior. Does he have a threateningly massive cock? Probably not but average size probably. But he’s also a gun toting gang member with prior convictions. He had guns and drugs on him. That’s enough of the bad boy edge we need. The part where he had an accidental misfire while taking a selfie isn’t the hardest of looks but I’ll take it cause in the game of global diplomacy, we need all types and what we’ve been lacking ever since Jin stopped going on Freestyle Friday on 106&Park was an urban fella Asian that seemed like they could do crime stuffs. (Jin certainly wasn’t that type, but the freestyle battles made him cool)
Smh. Gotta respect the game bro. I get it. Sometimes you spend hours putting in the time and thought process into building a deck. Gotta spread the right amount of mana and gotta get the mana curve right with your ratio of spells and creatures. A lot goes into it but when you have the deck built and ready to go you feel proud of it. you shuffle, shake hands and start the game then out of no where you have your starting 7 not right and then you realize you gotta mulligan. and then you mulligan again. Sure your hand may be fine now but you’re behind in card advantage and then your opponent already played like 5 things in 1 turn probably. You’re trying to stay in the game chump blocking everything they throw at you but you’re still surviving. The only life total that matters is 1 after all and you just pray you’re gonna top deck something that’ll change the game. Next thing you know its like turn 12, you pull the exact card you need to make a combo go off that’ll win you the game and then suddenly they play a blue spell to counter it and some how return all cards to your hand and before you can even let the stack resolve, his head’s on the side of the table bleeding with a rubber mallet in your hand and a cold sweet dripping down your face staring at your buddy with stab wounds. That’s what happens when you play against people who are running blue. Just controlling everything you’re doing. I don’t even know what the hell the scenario is but I guarantee that’s what happened. Maybe a slight chance of some rule discrepancy that lead to scissor wounds but more likely than not he played something blue. Like if it was some board whip you almost gotta respect it. If it was some burn spells, that’s expected against something red. But when they play something blue it just always seems like it ruins everything in the most annoying fashion ever. All things considered, I get why this kid got a mallet to their dome, but we’ve all been there before. Can’t just go swinging when the cards don’t go your way guy.
P.s- He’s 31. In all truths you should stop playing after like 15. I’ve been to card shops before. weird batch of people. To simply put it, On a Friday night you’ll see at least 10 off brand sneaker with velcro straps, and there might be 1 chick you’d think about having sex with.
The classic Poppy seed bagel/muffin defense. This is one of those things that is a known fact that might not be true at all. It’s like when you growing up you heard that red cars raises your car insurance. Nothing to show that it’s a true solid fact in life. Your insurance broker can even tell you that that’s a myth but you still probably factor it into the cost of potentially picking out a new car. Well poppy seeds are the same. As a kid you’d get your morning everything bagel and then tell your friends “yo, the bagel i’m eating has poppy seeds in it. You know if I get drug tested It’ll come up positive because of the Poppy Seeds?!?! It’s like I’m doing drugs.” Everyone has heard that once in their life and if not you know of the Seinfeld reference. And Just like this judge who had to hear this testimony in court, he believed it. Maybe not fully believed it but like “c’mon guy, We know you did a ton of morphine and deserve to go to jail or whatever” but then that small chance that the elusive poppy seed rumor is true, you don’t want to the one to make the mistake of not believing a fact that everyone on the planet universally knows. Let this be a note to all Morphine addicts and the defense attorneys that represent them. Oregon vs Jason Blomgren has set a legal precedent that makes a client’s drug toxicity report inadmissible in court based on the defense’s breakfast choice. Basically converting myth into legal grounds at this point. Very important moment in US history.
P.s- Saying you’lll switch from Poppy seed bagels to Egg White’s is a great move. If he said he was just having eggs the Judge would probably dismiss that as an act to gain his trust, you mention it’s egg whites only it makes him seem like a health conscious citizen. The devil’s in the details.
Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless colonel (Woody Harrelson). After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both of their species and the future of the planet.
As some of you may know, I started this film blog on the premise that I never got to see a lot of movies growing up. My parents, being foreigners from some farm land in China, never saw or knew of the cultural impact movies have on people. A lot of the classics I’ve never seen. Well now, I almost don’t have to because I’m pretty sure I get a touch and feel of tons of Oscar winning movies in this. Do you want to see a film that highlights the brutality of war like Apocalypse Now and Platoon? You get that in this movie. Want a revenge tale like a classic western like The Revenant? Well you get that. Want a classic film meditation on the controversies involving slavery and racism like the classic tv mini-series Roots? Well this movie has it. Shit one can even lump it into the Prison escape genre that’s on par with the likes of The Shawshank Redemption. That’s what you get when you see the latest Chernin Entertainment picture. Really just a cinematic masterpiece all around.
I mean when you talk about acting and what makes it great, It’s if the characters really convey emotions to the audience watching, well it certainly did that. But then there’s a realism aspect where some how Andy Serkis has to accurately portray what it would be like If a Monkey were some how injected with a cure for Alzheimer’s and it gave him super human brain capacity essentially giving him a human brain in a very versatile chimpanzee body. Like there’s no base of concept there so I can’t really tell if that’s how a chimpanzee would move and act, but the acting was so well I fucking believe it every second. I know how a chimp would hold an Shotgun and even point a commander sized 1911 pistol to someones head after seeing this movie.
Woody Harrelson’s Character? Absolute lunatic. I mean in a changing world where primates become the top of the food chain there is no more normal but his character is a lunatic. Probably draws some inspirations from Hitler / Kim Jong Un type. Just an all around Dictator with ambitions to crush the opposition. Guy’s wild. He doesn’t necessarily have as much screen time that I would like, but he has one massive important monologue, and every time he’s on screen your on pins in needles thinking an ape is gonna get shot. Like I said, Kim Jong Un level diabolical.
I really liked the first film. It wasn’t as intense but it was a good origin story and the scene where Caesar stands over them as they sleep is one of the most terrifying things in real life. Like Im prepared for a burglar to come in and try to make it out with my TV in the living room while i bust in with a shotgun. If the cat burglar was in fact a very tall muscular chimpanzee standing at the foot of my bed staring at me, I would just simply loose my shit and scream. It’s one thing to be all humans and dealing with below average criminals, another thing to be terrified of monsters that don’t exist. Whole nothing scenario dealing with real world animals and god knows how many medical test subjects there are that can create super human/ super intellectual breed of animals. So yea, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was awesome. Maybe my favorite one because we get to see a different side of Cesar.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was just good and shocking. I mean they didn’t pull the curtains on any of it. Sure Rise of the planet of the Apes had its fair share of action but right from the jump there’s gun play going on. Trigger fingers everywhere. But most of all the scene where the Chimp plays dumb and just straight up MURKS two dudes. It was shocking. That was the seminal moment in the franchise to me when I knew shit was gonna get wild. He straight up tricked em and put a bullet in their heads. One of the realest shits I’ve ever seen. Not my favorite just because I liked Rise so much. But still a solid pick right below Rise.
War I think is my favorite which should be reason enough to go see it. Trust my word. But I also like it because it’s personal. He’s here for business. Great way to conclude and close the books on a trilogy. Like I said. Its a war film wrapped around a prison escape movie filled with themes of hellbent military figures, racism, slavery and driven by a revenge plot. Takes a lot of balls to make a film like that. (Also takes a lot of balls for the production company to start their venture into film and TV production with this franchise **cough**cough** Chernin Entertainment/ Peter Chernin. cc- Barstool Sports, please hire me.) If I’m gonna be absolutely critical and honest it’s very hard to maintain a perfect score in film. There was even a cock sucker who knocked Get Out down a peg on Rotten Tomatoes. So no War of the Planets of the Apes is not a 10/10. and that’s because its an 11/10. Go see CHimps and humans Engage in WaR at the eNd of all man kInd with only one civilization surviviNg it in theaters this weekend.
So if we’re keeping score at home its
1.) War of the Planet of the Apes
1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
2.) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
***LITTLE SIDE NOTES****
1.) I’ve only been to California once when I was a little kid and have yet to go back. I know It’s a large state with a variety of environment and ecosystems but how the fuck did they go from Water falls and lush forest environment to trekking through snow and even a blizzard. Does California get like that? Is it because it’s pretty much the end of the world in this scenario and weather patters are just crazy? Are Apes even built for snow? Wish we had the Chernin Entertainment group to release like side short films explaining this shit even more.
2.) That poor horse that has to run a million miles an hour with a fucking gorilla on it’s back. Cesar is a cruiser weight at best but no chance that horse would’ve made it another full day of riding with Luca on it’s back. Herniated horse spine disks for sure. I mean it ran from the beaches of California into the cold north for Christ’s sake. Speaking of gorillas…
These two mother fuckers. Winter’s a back stabbing son of a bitch. How could you betray your own kind? I mean I get they’re threatened by war and shit but Gorillas are like the grand daddy when it comes to Primates right? Like Caesar is a good pick because he’s a simple chimpanzee. Guy’s a common folk and represents the common apes in the world but I mean if you want the biggest and baddest you go for a gorilla. These two mother fuckers just betray the crew to be the lackey. You’d figure a beast of that size wouldn’t take shit from no human. Such a travesty. Luca on the other hand. Give that guy a Purple Star. You know who else deserves some love?
Maurice. Guy is just so nice and sensible. Crazy that such a peaceful guy like that can get caught up in the middle of war. I know my allergies would flare up and he probably smells disgusting with his damp matted hair but I still want to give him a hug. Speaking of honoring primates who died in senseless violence.
RIP Harambe. Pay your respects by clicking the purchase button and wear the shirts in theaters while you see the Chernin Entertainment classic War of the Planet of the Apes if you’re against violence towards Apes. #RIPHarambe #ApeStrong
It’s become apparent to me that I have no idea how prisons work and what is or isn’t allowed in prison. I get there’s like white collar Martha Stewart type prisons for tax evasion and like insider trading nonsense but I assumed that this was like hardcore pound you in the ass type prison. Not that its fun or anything but prison just seems like your stuck in a massive freshman dorm. I mean shit i had no idea these guys were getting microwavable cheeseburgers and putting down Cheetos and shit on the regular. That’s a lot better than I thought. It’s like when they say it’s the little things that matter. A simple cheese burger, some Cheetos, a Canada dry, drinking out of your favorite Miami Dolphins cup. Shit’s not that bad. At least it takes away from the fact that you’re considered a person with out rights and stuck there for 10 years. But apparently you have cellphones, cameras and internet access too so you can upload your celly’s fight video to http://www.TheUglyOrange.com via http://www.Flyheight.com. Here I thought prison was all ass sex with guys, working out and converting to Islam. I mean its still probably that but sometimes your boy knocks the shit out of another inmate and steals his loot and you get some chips to brighten your day and you think about how you didn’t just get knocked the fuck out and had your shit stolen. Not the worst thing in this world.
Top Ramen for days, burgers fresh out the plastic wrapper and like cheezits or something. Imagine getting all that shit taken from you. Again, you’ve had your room mate steal a pack of ramen here and there. Well this dude just snatched all of it.
Minus wanting a crazy rush in the middle of a nightclub surrounded by chicks ready to snort the same stuff as you just did and an increased chance to have sex with said, one of those chicks, I can’t imagine snorting anything up my nose. Call me a pussy but i just feel like it would really fuck with my sinus. When I was a kid i remember we would pretend to be cool as shit and bust out pixie sticks into a coke line and one time my buddy snorted it up and said it burned, proceeded to sneeze a bunch with a bunch of mucus. We all had a great laugh but he said it was uncomfortable as shit and burned. So yea probably not gonna do that chocolate powder and for $19.99 none the less. I mean yea compared to cocaine it certainly has it beat in cost but if you’re telling me all I need to party like the Stone’s in their heyday is cocoa powder then I’ll stroll into Walmart on the way to the club and get a can of Nesquik for like 8 bucks and a Redbull. Boom. That’s all this shit is. So if you want to pretend to be about that life go ahead and rip open a tin of cocoa powder and sniff it in between trading stocks working a high stress finance job then go for it.