I Am Insulted By Andrew Zimmern’s Take On Frozen Hot Chocolate For The Super Bowl

As The Ugly Orange’s Film guy, let me tell you about a little romantic comedy called Serendipity.

On a magical night when they are in in their 20s, Jonathan (John Cusack) meets Sara (Kate Beckinsale). He finds it love at first sight, but Sara believes in destiny. After 10 years the two — with 3,000 miles between them — must decide if fate wants them to be together again. When love feels like magic, it is called destiny; when destiny has a sense of humor, it is serendipity.

Now a huge part of that movie takes place at none other than Serendipity 3 in Manhatten. People talk about the magic of New York as if it’s not a shell of itself from the 80’s. Neighborhoods are safer, there’s bars on every corner that fits every ones needs financially and atmosphere wise, even the rich and snooty don’t seem as rich and snooty when there are start up companies around every corner with their apps making millions in a pinch. I can’t even find a hooker on the streets anymore.  But something about Serendipity 3 still takes me into a different place, a different kind of New York that feels like from a different time. Maybe cause the interior is so absurd and the line to wait is always over an hour, but i know for a fact some of it has to be the magical chemistry of the John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity. I’ve been a few times now with friends and family and something so New York about being not dressed like a slob, going into this relatively pretentious place and sharing a frozen drink in the middle of winter.  The idea of sitting across the table from Kate Beckinsale sharing Serendipity’s signature drink the frozen hot chocolate.Now imagine you bring a beautiful girl like Kate Beckinsale to any event what so ever, and decide to get a frozen and expect it to look like this.and then you end up with this trash like this.I mean what is that? How is that a “Creamy Frozen Hot Chocolate” I mean that looks like chocolate ice cream with I guess white chocolate balls, which i also thought were chickpeas to begin with. How the fuck is my girl suppose to get a billion likes on her instagram pic when it looks like basic ass bowl of chocolate ice cream? How the fuck do we share that together with a straw and look like a cute couple? What the fuck business does Andrew Zimmern have to recreate a pop culture classic frozen beverage? And seeing as Andrew Zimmern lives in Minnesota, do Minnesotans just like eating ice cream in the dead cold of winter like psychopaths?

 

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There Was A Theft In Spain That Featured Nothing But Oranges

(CNN) — Take a look at this photo.
Yes, that’s a car crammed to the hilt with oranges.
Police in Seville, Spain, came across the bizarre scene when they pulled over two cars after a short chase.
According to Europa Press, officers suspected something wasn’t quite right when they saw the cars driving very close together.
When they tried to pull the cars over, they took off. A short chase through a dirt road followed, the news agency reported.
Inside the vehicles, police found the oranges.
Later, they found a truck, also packed with oranges.
Altogether, police recovered more than four tons of oranges.
The drivers claimed they were “coming from very far away and had been stopping and collecting oranges along the way,” Europa Press reported.
But cops didn’t buy it. They later learned the oranges were stolen from a shipment.
They charged the five people — a couple, their adult son, and two brothers — with theft.

You know how when you buy a bunch of groceries, you try to carry it all in one go? Left arm turns into steel with 9 grocery bags sending lactic acid straight into the forearm with your right arm completely free to key the lock and open the door. Well how the fuck was this guy gonna move what has to be like a couple thousand oranges all loose? Its comical to look at sure. Something you’d see in a cartoon or a comedy heist movie or something when oranges pour out onto the street, but when it comes to the fact of the matter, some one tossed oranges in the car one by one. That’s an excruciating amount of work for what can’t be more than 1000 dollars worth of oranges. Maybe a dollar over? Grand larceny that lends in what may be the least amount of street cred in the criminal underworld. I mean the least i can hope for is a sun roof that they could’ve just poured pounds of citrus into instead of one by one peddling oranges through the window, cramming the door closed in a packed car while still on alert waiting for 5-0 to come bust their ass with cargo pockets full of oranges.

Biting Into Batteries? Not Smart!

Source- Chew on this: A man in China decides he needs to verify if a smartphone battery is legit ― so he bites it?!?!?
It’s a decision that literally blew up in his face, as the now-viral video above demonstrates.
Security camera footage captured Jan. 19 at a store in Nanjing City, Jiangsu Province, shows the unidentified man biting into the iPhone battery, presumedly to check its authenticity.
The move quickly proves to be a mistake, as the battery explodes. Amazingly, the man wasn’t seriously hurt in the blast.
Since then, the wisdom in chomping down on a toxic lithium-ion battery has been the subject of some debate.
Taiwan News noted that it’s common for people in China to test the authenticity of gold by biting it, which led Apple Insider to speculate the man somehow thought he could test the authenticity of the battery using the same technique.
Gizmodo rightfully noted that iPhone batteries don’t have much gold in them, but they do contain a lot of toxic items that no one should ingest.
On the rare occasions when a phone explodes, it’s often because the “positive” and “negative” battery plates have become joined, such as if the battery was pierced by a metal object, according to TeamKnowHow.com.
The website points out that lithium-ion batteries, though considered very safe, can explode if they’re overcharged.
It’s a problem associated with knockoff battery chargers and other dubious third-party accessories that are rampant in China, which may have explained why the man was biting the battery in the first place.

Pal. Buddy. What is you doing? its 2018, not 1500 where you need to check your gold doubloons when bartering at the market? Not to mention, Batteries aren’t made of gold. They’re in fact made of shit that’s toxic as fuck and can melt shit. Like not for nothing but Asians get the rap of being nerd smart but look at these common folks, biting down on lithium-ion batteries like they’re Olympic gold medals. I don’t know kinda makes me feel better about my self knowing im above smart enough to not go molar to battery, but also not a math nerd. I’m in a nice medium blogging about the people above and below me. Now If i had to guess, maybe this guy got a bunk ass filling and conducted with the battery. That’s me thinking kinda fake smart coming up with theories. But that also gives me another idea.

Fucking cyanide capsules. It’s perfect timing that I saw this because I also just re-watched Skyfall. Fucking Raoul Silva biting into a cyanide capsule and it didnt kill him. Just burned his insides. Do you know what Hydrogen cyanide does to you?

Skyfall (2012)

It turns you into an ugly motherfucker. Do you think secret spy agents want to work knowing that if they get captured, they might have to kill them selves, only to find out their suicide method isn’t 100% fail proof and might end up looking like the Goonies monster, and still remained captured, and then laughed at for being a captured spy that now looks like Sloth? Fuck no. So maybe switch out the cyanide capsule and replace it with something that’s instant death. A little battery that explodes your entire head off. Don’t give the enemy the satisfaction of making fun of your goofy face because of a bad cyanide capsule. Now granted these chinese fellows didn’t die, but work out a few kinks, bury that battery deep in the molars and next thing you know when the russians apprehend Ethan Hunt, he can just blow his head off.

Stan Lee Is Now Involved In A Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

Page Six– Comic book legend Stan Lee has been accused of groping and harassing the nurses who care for him at his home in Los Angeles.
According to the Daily Mail, the nursing company is currently in a legal dispute with the 95-year-old Marvel creator after nurses claimed he asked for oral sex in the shower and to be “pleasured” in his bedroom.
“He doesn’t seem to care what people think of him, he’s lost his filter,” a source told the tabloid. “There has been a stream of young nurses coming to his house in West Hollywood and he has been sexually harassing them. He finds it funny.”
The source added, “He’s also very handsy and has groped some of the women, it’s unacceptable behavior, especially from an icon like Stan.”
A rep for the nursing home confirmed several nurses have complained and the owner of the company has spoken to Lee directly, but the company stopped working for him at the end of 2016.
“Mr. Lee categorically denies these false and despicable allegations and he fully intends to fight to protect his stellar good name and impeccable character,” his lawyer said in a statement to the site. “We are not aware of anyone filing a civil action, or reporting these issues to the police, which for any genuine claim would be the more appropriate way for it to be handled. Instead, Mr. Lee has received demands to pay money and threats that if he does not do so, the accuser will go to the media. Mr. Lee will not be extorted or blackmailed, and will pay no money to anyone because he has done absolutely nothing wrong.”
Meanwhile, a rep for the new nursing company working for Lee said he has been “polite, kind and respectful” to their staff.
Lee’s wife of 69 years, Joan, passed away in July at 93 years old.
A rep for Lee did not immediately return our request for comment.

Listen I’m not gonna try to pretend the stereotype of old creepy men who try to get nurses to jack them off during sponge baths isn’t a real thing. Stan Lee and that age group grew up in a time where that shit was common place. The reason it kills me a little deep inside is because I know how much he loved his wife. I mean read this shit and try to not drum up thoughts of a perfect romance story.

“When I was young, there was one girl I drew; one body and face and hair. It was my idea of what a girl should be. The perfect woman. And when I got out of the Army, somebody, a cousin of mine, knew a model, a hat model at a place called Laden Hats. He said, ‘Stan, there’s this really pretty girl named Betty. I think you’d like her. She might like you. Why don’t you go over and ask her to lunch.’ Blah, blah, blah.

“So I went up to this place. Betty didn’t answer the door. But Joan answered, and she was the head model. I took one look at her — and she was the girl I had been drawing all my life. And then I heard the English accent. And I’m a nut for English accents! She said, ‘May I help you?’ And I took a look at her, and I think I said something crazy like, ‘I love you.’ I don’t remember exactly. But anyway, I took her to lunch. I never met Betty, the other girl. I think I proposed to [Joan] at lunch.”

his wife was his muse and the guy didn’t even know it till he accidentally ran into her! I tear up thinking about running into a the girl you’d been dreaming about all your life but then i tear up more thinking that image is tarnished by the idea of Stan Lee asking nurses to jerk him off while he touches up on The Amazing Spider-man Issue #121. What ever happens happens, hope he stops sexually harassing nurses. Not like I’m a comic book artist so I’m not personally offended but I damn sure do love every single marvel movie and this world he helped create. Which brings me to my last point.

You gotta kill Stan Lee’s cameo in Infinity Wars right? Like not kill it as in “yea we crushed it, great scene!” I mean I want to see Stan Lee die in it. You can’t talk about how Thanos is the big bad in a movie thats a culmination of 10 years and not stick a shocking dagger in every person in the audience. I mean people already assume Thanos is gonna wipe out half the universe, Key characters potentially dying. Why not really make Thanos one of the most iconic villains by at least on screen killing one of the most iconic cameos/character of all time. There doesn’t need to be any continuity issues, the guy showed up in space in GotG2. Not like its some crazy plot hole if he shows up in movies after. But the fact is this is suppose to be one of the craziest Marvel movie to date, he’s 95 years old. At that age you never know whats gonna happen. Do we want his last memory to be a 95 year old sexual harassing old man who yelled at Peter Parker in Spider-man Homecoming 2? No. We want to have our heart strings ripped out when he gets vaporized by Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet.

 

Im Rattling My Brain Trying To Figure Out How To Sell A 2017 Vintage James “Deebo” Harrison Cabernet Sauvignon

This is a full body red wine of the Cabernet variety, 2017 vintage, full of fruity and savory flavors from the California wine region. Under cut by the slight sweetness from the vanilla pre workout protein, yet the strong aromas of cocoa notes and blackberry fill your pallet. Fine structure between the balance of acidity and tannins pair perfectly with a steak on a weekend evening before you get your lift on. Perfect to let breathe in between sets.

I mean what a salesman by me. Yea I copied that out of a google search for “cabernet” and cut it up a bit, but If i tried to push wine at The Fresh Market I’m sure I could fool at least one person with that sales pitch. But honestly how do you sell this wine? Something tells me the Deebo fan base demographic isn’t the same crowd that decorks a red wine, pour through a decanter, and pairs their red wine with a perfectly cooked sous vide steak. By all accounts Harrison can bench press a chevy, but he’s aging. His NFL contract probably will come to an end soon after he wins a Superbowl with The Patriots and he needs 350k a year to maintain his concrete body so he has to make some sort of income after the fact. Maybe somehow a 6 foot 275lb Superbowl wining linebacker can tap into the very young, very burgeoning oversized grey hoodie sweatshirt meathead weightlifting red wine drinking demographic who enjoys a full body red at night. It’s about as wild of a sales pitch as Fight Milk.

Karl Anthony Towns Cucked My Brain With These Stranger Things Nikes

KAT, you son of a bitch. I don’t want to come off as a hater and i never wanted to write this blog because i didn’t want people to steal my ideas, but as cool as Karl-Anthony Towns shoes are, they’re just shoes that get air brushed on.

All very dope. Hats off to Adam Silver for being the smartest commissioner for letting athletes wear custom kicks. Happy Athletes, massive TV deals, athletes who get millions. But as much as those shoes are dope to look at, what I want is something special which is why im forced with a gun to my head to write this blog. Because if some mother fucker copies my idea I mean rip those shoes right off their feet so fast those ankles wont know what hit em.

So lets start off with the base, gotta be Jordan 11’s. Very classic dope Jordan. Now this is where i need like Shoe Surgeon or someone to really do their thing. The Jumpman Jordan is gonna be removed, instead give me a silhouette of Eleven with the bloody nose. That alone is dope. The 23 in the back, 11, the front nylon that say Jumpman Jordan, red stitching Stranger Things. The white part of the sole, switch is out black with the speckled white/grey so it looks like the upside down. The underside, a demogorgon ready to eat someones face off. So dope. We’re not here just painting shit on shoes. We’re creating a masterpiece here. But now that it’s out there I gotta be vigilant as shit and now i gotta set aside like 5 grand to actually get these shoes made. Its my ideas. I had it first. Anyone after this point that makes a Stranger Things shoes is just plain biting KAT and my style.