Yo Kei Komuro, you better have the goodest dick in at least all of japan to be able to be okay with letting Princess Mako become a commoner. This isn’t like marrying a little outside of your tax bracket, It’s taking her from the highest position possible and turning her into a low life poor person with no royal connections ever again. That’s giving up a lot for your tour guide ass. He’s not some ripped hot bod ninja guy, not rich, not a respectable job. Is he funny? maybe? But that alone isn’t worth giving up royalty for. Also quick note of advise if I were Princess Mako here. Have guards at his doors and 24 hour surveillance leading up to the wedding. Enormous amount of pressure is probably caving down on him the second her parents were enthused about her marrying a bum. And I get it on their part, when there’s royalty at play you gotta do what you can to claim the throne. If this girl wants to give up that royalty life then go ahead, no ones stopping her. But he knows once she steps into the normal life and just becomes Mrs. Mako the fairy tale illusion goes away and she’s waiting in line for her sushi coffee order and pays the same amount as the bums and that’s it. That’s life as non royalty and it sucks.
I never pay attention to these polls cause they’re all dumb but man o man does it feel satisfying to have In-N-Out fall from grace into the number 2 spot. And listen, I’ve never had In-N-Out. I’m sure its a tasty burger for a decent price, but what I’m saying is that it’s over rated as fuck. A good burger doesn’t need much, a bun, beef, cheese, some toppings etc. Let me walk into your burger establishment and say I want a Cheese burger or a hamburger. What I don’t want is a busy ass place with over privileged California kids say “Oh I want a triple triple triple animal style and blah blah blah it’s lit suh dude.” All of that is nonsense. Just give me a burger. I don’t want a fancy name. I don’t want a stupid paper hat. I don’t want thousand island dressing on my fries that people get because it’s on a “secret menu” that every one in the state of California, with the highest population of all 50 U.S. states totaling to over 38 million people, know. If I live in Cali, I get it. Its a good burger at a good price. But coming from me here, I’m tired of all the assholes that say its the best with it’s gimmick menu and over complicated ordering process. And I might just go to Five Guys tonight just to rub it in their faces.
SIDENOTE- Steak n Shake falling to number 10 is criminal. I get it’s not a Burger but the frsico melt is so dangerously good that if we technically add melts to the burger category it should wipe out half the competition. And then some of the diversity there. The Guac burger, the Wisconsin buttery that is an instant heart attack. Delicious. Smashburger is trash, Sonics was one of the worst fast food experience in my life time and that includes shitting my pants almost immediately after having a breakfast buritto from McDonalds. Steak n Shake should be like 5 on the list.
I’ve never personally experienced pepper spray directly in my face but I imagine its like squirting a lemon into your eyes times a billion. Maybe she just has the worlds most impenetrable eye lids on the face of the earth that’s keeping it from seeping into her pupils, I dont know. But either way, she has some balls compared tot he rest of them. I know my reaction would probably be something similar to these guys.
All of them looking like a hawk just ripped their eyeballs from their head and I don’t blame them one bit. I mean this shit is for stopping criminals in their track. Getting your eyes fucked with can reduce The Hulk into a whimpering baby on the floor probably. But not that one chick. Bitch is just so stone cold taking pepper spray to the eyes like its nothing.
Yo fuck these cyber criminals. They’re just in it for the potential money. What happen to the type of hackers that did it to fuck over billion dollar enterprises. If these Hackers had any balls they would say fuck the money and just release it. Prove to Disney that they got it so next time they won’t even question handing over the money. Not to mention If you’re a hacker that good can’t you hack some bank? That’s the kind of hacker id be afraid of. One that can change the global economy like in Live Free or Die Hard type shit. Yea I don’t want Anonymous taking what little money I have left in my back account and shit but If they did I would respect them more. But all of that is besides the point right now. The real question is what movie do they possibly have? Cause if they have like the next Star Wars ready to be pirated across the internet, I will in fact find a way to jump on the dark web and look for it. The Dark Web is a scary place and navigating it along the way I might end up buying heroin and illegal firearms or even put a hit out on someone, but if there’s a little chance that the next Billion dollar franchise movie is out there for me to torrent, I have to at least give it a look.
Before we start off with what I think of the movie, I’m gonna get into a little discussion here because it deals with all the promo stuff. Why they fuck is “King Arthur” in “king arthur” not capitalized? All of the promo photos I see online have it all lower case. They did that intentionally and I want to know why. Its the name King Arthur, that shit demands capitalization.
Anywho, the movie in my opinion is what everyone else is saying. Its all style no substance. When I think of King Arthur, you normally would think of Knights of the Round Table, Lancelot, Merlin, and Excalibur. Don’t get me wrong, they mention all those things, minus Lancelot. But it’s just that, minor mentions. The mention of the Knights of the Round Table at the end leads me to think they’re going for a sequel, there’s no mention of Lancelot, Merlin is said maybe two times in the movie and never really scene, and Excalibur, for a sword that’s suppose to dominate everything, it really doesn’t get much mention itself. Just that it’s a powerful sword and then 2 hours of Jax Teller over coming some internal struggle that doesn’t really involve the sword at all but some how makes it so that he can truly wield it. Just a bad movie adaptation.
It’s not terrible and maybe people just aren’t interested in generic a mid-evil Game of Thrones knock off movie. If they focused the story more on certain things maybe it would be better. Merlin and his relationship to Arthur’s family, The weird Ursula bitch that gives Vortigern his powers, their powers itself, the mythology of the sword etc. I don’t know how because I’m not a film maker but I think there was just a better movie to be made from this. It’s just that it seems to be a big mess that is really only good for mindless action and even at that, there’s really not much action. One fight/chase scene thats kinda cool. Has the signature snorricam effect that Guy Ritchie uses. Towards the end it gets pretty CGI which looks cool to a degree but id rather see more grittier practical action. I wouldn’t pay Saturday night ticket prices to see this. Maybe a matinee if you want to skip work or are bored as shit for 2 hours and already burned through everything good on Netflix. Total Ugly Orange Score- 6.1. Jax Teller isn’t Arthur. This Movie stinks.
SPOILER FILLED DISCUSSIONS
Guinevere The Mage
Would you have sex with her? I mean she was like the only chick in the movie besides, Arthur’s Family who gets fucked in the 1st 5 minutes and then his fake family that gets fucked in the 1st 10 minutes of the movie. The question has to be asked. It got kind of annoying this whole sub-side plot that Arthur wanted to get in bed with her. Like 5 lines of flirting but spread out enough that It makes you wonder if they’re gonna bang. Ultimately I wouldn’t. You can’t fuck with a magical girl if you yourself don’t have the magic to throw shit back at her encase she fucks with you. That’s just a rule I have. But also, this girl is kind of a bitch. Their whole plot to kill the king right? They go through this elaborate scheme where they try to assassinate him when this whole time this bitch could just summon a MASSIVE snake to eat the shit out of the entire army. Why not lead with that?
The Gross Sea Witch LadyNow I’ll be honest, I had no idea what the deal was with Jude Law killing his wife. Why? Because It was a mess of a movie. No Idea he was sacrificing bitches he loved to some Ursula looking lady. I don’t even think she comes up until she tells Jude Law about the sword and it’s true owner but at that point she says “you know what you have to do if you want more power.” I thought that meant he had to give her the D. Appalling. Fucking that gross slimy bitch to get more power. Yea later on you find out that what he has to do is actually sacrifice his daughter but I don’t want to play that hypothetical. Right now 2017 is some gross Ursula lady plopped outta no where hanging out in your shower and she says she can give you magical powers if you fucked her would u do it? Even more maybe she wont even leave your shower unless you bang her would u do it? You definitely wont enjoy it but like if she had a hypothetically normal pussy area, i think you have to do it. Nothing more humbling than having sex with an ugly gross thing. The upside though is you can use her as a real gross slump buster and after job gets finished you can turn into a Demon Knight for fun. That can be a useful skill whether medieval times or modern times. Yea your friends will make fun of you for fucking a hog with tentacles, but you can always become a fire demon and tell them to cut the shit, it was only for the powers and they’ll get it.
Oh I’d probably fuck her too to get her out of my shower. Gotta also do it for the story.
Arthur Was A Snitch
Yo how about Arthur, I guess someone who’s suppose to be of the people, snitching on Goosefat Bill. Yea I get he probably just didn’t want any trouble with the King and his Court but guy just up and snitches on the guy. That’s how you make enemies in life. Sure Arthur becomes king and all and they all seem happy and cool as a cucumber, but once he makes bad moves and relegates Goosefat to some lame managerial position, he’s gonna want to come after Arthur when he’s not looking. Don’t be a snitch, Arthur. They get stitches.
The scene where Arthur is suppose to pull the sword from the stone should be some grand moment. Like you figure it would be some huge character arch or some really inciting moment in the story. Nope. Arthur wanted to get back to the hooker den he manages so he decides to give it a shot and unbeknown to him, he yanks it out. That happens in the 1st half hour of the movie. I can’t imagine being a film maker and having my colleagues talking behind my back about how you take one of the most iconic pieces of weaponry in history dating back an entire millennium and make it’s reveal one of the most boring scene in the entire movie. Also not to mention. Kinda weird for Arthur to pull the sword from his dad’s spine right? Obviously he doesn’t know that at the time but once things are all settle in England and the village is thriving, at one point at night he’s probably gonna realize technically the sword was stuck in his dad’s fossilized body.
Charlie Hunnam is a hot looking dude. No one’s debating that. But this dude just doesn’t look like a King Arthur. I think it’s the hair color and the way he speaks. Guy is just too slick of a dude. First off, he’s the only one in the town with a hot hair cut. Everyone else is getting their hair chopped off with the meat cleaver they use to butcher swine while this guy is getting his side’s buzzed and hair slicked back with pomade. Don’t get me wrong, if i were a king I’d definitely be hot as shit but the point is Arthur is suppose to be from humble beginnings (I think). This guy was like a local hot shot swindling and beating people up for money while looking like an adonis. That’s not the rags to riches king look. Maybe if he had brown hair and didn’t look like he could afford work out supplements in the 10th century then I would say he fits the role but right now the Slick back hot haircut and chiseled body in leather pants look just doesn’t seem like an Arthur look. Maybe also because Arthur is a really lame name.
I don’t know what was up with the graffiti in the movie. It feels like they were making it a pretty symbolic and culturally interesting thing that the kids do. They were just weird dumb symbols. See another thing they could’ve scrapped to attempt to make this a solid movie but nope. just have kids draw dicks on the wall with paint and mention it having something to do with Arthur and his town.
Such a mystery this story is. Worst part about a grudge is when the other side has no idea what the grudge is about or that it’s even going on but all you know is you have to control the situation and clean up all the dildos left behind in the wake of a grudge. The broad vagueness of “bed experience” is just so intriguing. At a Louisiana Books-a-million no less. What can possibly happen at dying large chain bookstore to have someone maliciously cause criminal mischief by leaving behind dildos all over the religious section of the store? Did a christian nut bump into him and it rubbed him the long way? Did they not have the book he wanted and as an act of revenge he just leads a blitzkrieg of dildos right in their eyeballs? And then there’s the fact that he said Dildos were his weapon of choice because he had so many extra dildos laying around. It’s absurd.
Lets break it down.
1.) That might be one of the slowest motorcycle accidents I’ve ever seen. Cruising slowly into an intersection at speeds that I’m pretty sure could be stopped if a 200 lb man in front was blocking. We’re not talking about pulling a Tom Cruise tuck n roll out of a moving vehicle scenario here. Guy coulda just hopped off the back casually and would’ve been fine. Not to mention the bus wasn’t exactly flying into the turn either. It was slowly cruising 1st gear clearing that turn as cautious as possible.
2.) The placement of the crash was so spot on. Nailing right in the cut between the cargo area and the actual truck body. Something out of an action movie. You can’t choreograph it any better with the dudes head bobbing right in the middle of the garbage truck.
3.) That shit got volatile quiiiccckkk. no smoke, just fire. A fire that erupted outta no where with absolutely no explosion what so ever. With out the fire this is your run of the mill Foreign country traffic accident video. With the fire, it’s just awesome.