Tag Archives: Barstool Sports

Lets Talk a Little Game of Thrones (Yuck)

Have I been away for an extreme amount of time? Sure have. Does Game of Thrones Stink? Absolutely. Has the Corona Virus PANDEMIC given me more time to work on the blog that I’ve paid actual US currency to stay online? you bet. Lets cook.

 

Assuming we need at least one of each, lets begin with The Leader Category. Off the bat lets get rid of Johnathan Snow. Extremely over valued. Some might say he’s a club house guy. A real players coach type but I’ve also seen the club house actual murder him. Everyone on this list has lead men into battle, two of them have been backstabbed by their own men. Jon Snow and my next write off Daenerys Targaryen. This list doesn’t include dragons right? No asterisk saying she gets her 3 dragons. In that case she’s all talk no bite. Severely over rated. Get her out of here. That leaves 3 people. Cersei Lannister is good value at 3 all things considered. She last through out the 8 seasons, gets to the final 4. Only problem is through out the show she just cant stop thinking about fucking her brother. I don’t even see his name on the list. Now if we got an extra 2 bucks and had intangibles character like Jamie Lannister, Hot Pie, etc, I’d probably package the the Lannister children together like the McCourty twins but with out Alex Adams, Cersei Lannister aint my pick (you’re a sick fuck if you get that reference). That leaves Stannis Baratheon and High Sparrow. I really want Stannis Baratheon. Great name. Great Leader. Dies an honorable death in war to Brienne of Tarth, very progressive of him. However whats not progressive is him letting Melissandra burn is daughter in an effigy pyre so it can get a touch warmer. Guy falls for the black magic too easy. If I rode with him I’m confident i can build a team around him. He’s like the Cubs that won with Aroldis Chapman, I don’t want to have to bring up that he once fired 8 bullets directed towards his wife, I don’t want my leader to be okay with burning his daughter alive. That leaves me with High Sparrow. Dude got a mob cooking with no shoes on. Now imagine if he actually had shoes. Was arguably the biggest thorn in Cersei side and became the devil on her son’s shoulders. If we’re only spending a $1 for someone that can cook like that we’re on a good start.

THE PICK: HIGH SPARROW $1

There are only 2 options on this list, Maaaaybe 3 depending on the situation. But you gotta immediately knock off Bran and Samwell Tarly. I don’t even know where the creator of this list comes off having Samwell in the magic section. Does exactly 1 sex and ends up getting a girl pregnant. Nothing magical about that. Bran, well no matter how great his magic is you wont be able to decipher it because he either talks in obscure phrases or nothing at all. Useless. The long stretch miiiiiigggghhht be Melisandre. She has exactly 1 good play in her play book. If you decide to run the “have evil magic sex with her to spawn a demon shadow assassin” its gonna have to be on one man and one man only. This is a battle we’re talking about and Im not having my men on the front line with the red witch on her  behind 100 men. Legs spread wide open pussy out trying to give birth to one shadow. And even if she has one good trick play, I’ll never trust a woman who wears a choker 24/7. She’s off. That leaves Maester Qyburn and Jaqen H’ghar. Both solid picks. Depending on the spending in other categories you can go a few ways with it. Both very loyal. Maester Qyburn If i need to revive an army with dead people? That can be strong but I’m not trying to go 7 games you understand? Im trying to win it in 4 or 5 tops. All of this is just rambling because the go to has to be Jaqen H’ghar. You’re wasting time if its anything but him. How loyal is the guy? He was ready to off himself because a 10 year old little girl asked him to because he made a pinky promise. Other than that you got a guy who set out to kill precisely 3 people and does it in the blinky of an eye. Its the faceless man from Braavos. Valar Dohaeris.

THE PICK: JAQEN H’GHAR $3

 

Now we’re really getting into it. I can see many ways to go about this. Most options in play here. First off the list is Tyrion Lannister. Yes I know, very rude to kill off the little person. Im playing GM here Tyrion might be able to pay Lannisters debts but with whoms moneys? Certainly not with my moneys. If he can’t bribe em with cash he aint really got much. He’s off. Robb Stark? strong showing in college. Wish i could’ve seen more of him to make a pick but alas, he was violently stabbed to death at his wedding ceremony. Littlefinger, he a little too much like Tyrion talking his way outta things. Half way through this however, Im reading the stipulations and it just says this is a squad. Squad for chilling or squad to the easiest path for me to sit on the Iron Throne? Im gonna assume its the later. If its the former then buddy Im chilling in King’s Landing’s most reputable whore house and that happens to be Baelish’s Saloon. But we’ll proceed. This leaves somehow two opposite ends on the scale, both equally great value somehow. Tywin really held the show together and was the master strategist behind the first few seasons. If you wanted to go big spending I think this is where you gotta go, however there is still an option on the table. Im going Olenna Tyrell, shes a sneaky son of a gun but at the height of the show she was the one to put an end to Joffrey and is willing to die on her own terms and making people feel bad all the while. Ill ride with that pick.

THE PICK: OLENNA TYRELL $1

Alright this one im bundling together cause we’ve been fiscally conservative and its time to cement the win in Westeros. In the end wars are won by men (and women) and these muscles and fighters are how i will get it done. Now if my math serves me correct I’ve only spent 1/3 of my budget. Well now we cook. No where on this list does it say i can only pick one in each group so im dubbling up. Fighters im taking Arya Stark and Ser Bronn of the Blackwater. Part of me wants to cut back and just take Brienne to save a buck but on the off chance we’re dealing with White Walkers, i need someone small and mousey, unsuspecting to sneak up which is why i kept Arya(for now). Other than that I picked Bronn. Guy lives. Nuff said right? Not to mention he becomes Lord of Highgarden and the Master of Coin. Oberyn got his head very much smashed in and Daario? He’d absolutely fuck my girl.

THE PICK: ARYA STARK $3 & BRONN $1

Onto the muscle. Whats left 9 bucks? This is the big ticket item I need. I’d like to purchase a Wun Wun, please. No need to wrap it up or put it in a bag. Im wearing that thang out the store. Yeeaaaaaa boy. Im on his shoulders with a megaphone politely telling the next village over that im hear to pillage and plunder. Their men are staring down my army led by an old lady and bum with no shoes. I need something to strike fear the the hearts of men and nothing does that better than a Giant. Their craning their necks up, jaws dropped to the floor staring at my Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. That leaves me with exactly 1 buck and with that I’ll go Wun Wun’s friend Tormund Giantsbane. Talk about team chemistry. I got friends in the mix with Wun wun and Tormund, Arya got her Master Jaqen Hghar. And I got their 2 grand parents as well. That gives me 15 bucks spent exactly. People are probably eager to go The Hound and Mountain. But frankly The Hound is scared to death of fire. And The mountain? well he’s gross smelling probably cause he’s dead. Khal Drogo? You’re gonna give me a guy that didnt make it to season 2 for 3 bucks? Known rapist, comatose vegetable who dies from a cut? Naahhhh im good.

THE PICK: WUN WUN $5 & TORMUND GIANTSBANE $1

There you have it all 15 spent but heres one more stipulation. If there are no Wight Walkers. Im packaging Arya stark and Wun Wun in a trade for Beric Dondarrion and Lyanna Mormont. You talk about fighters. Anything Arya can do im sure Lyanna Mormont can do, minus the whole steal your face thing, but I already got Jaqen for that. If we’re not dealing with the Night King, Im comfortable trading her away for a similar player except Lyanna Mormont is like Arya Stark and Sansa combined. She governed her people and fought in combat with the best of them even going as far as taking out a Giant. Thats no easy feat. which brings me to my next trade. Wun Wun, Big man but very vulnerable it appears. Im trading him half way through because you know he can’t produce at the same level throughout the regular season and into the playoffs. Big men get tired easily and he’s pretty much a wide open target. Plus idk how much the guy eats. I cant keep feeding that machine so half way through im trading him for Beric Dondarrion. You want to talk about durability? Guy’s died THREE times and still comes back ready to go. Coolest name in the show, has a sword that he can set ablaze and can heal himself (if the lords of light allow for it, that is.) Thats my 2020 GoT season. Im sitting on the Iron Throne using Bran’s legs as my leg rest and i become the king of Westeros.

  • HIGH SPARROW
  • JAQEN H’GHAR
  • OLENNA TYRELL
  • ARYA STARK*
  • BRONN
  • WUN WUN*
  • TORMUND GIANTSBANE
  • LYANNA MORMONT
  • BERIC DONDARRION
    • *-MIdseason trade for Lyanna Mormont & Beric Dondarrion

 

 

 

 

Adult Autograph Seekers Are The Worst And Spider-man Absolutely Wont Stand For Them

 

Tom Holland, a Nice guy. Best Live action Spider-man. Super Excited for Far From Home coming out next week.

Do you know how big of a loser you have to be to be an Adult Autograph seeker? I honestly don’t even want to spend much time on it because its been said for years now. Athletes voicing their thoughts when grown men trample kids to get shit signed just to sell on ebay and stuff. The part that is wild is just how little an autograph fetches you in the grand scheme of things. Like is it really worth camping out waiting in a group where you awkwardly stand out because you’re a grown middle age man wearing a baseball hat

in a sea of what seems to be teens who aren’t at the age where they need to have major responsibilities and can have teen heart throbs like Tom Holland. Besides who the fuck actually buys these things? Its 2019. No one wants an autograph, they want picture proof. Video Proof. Infact video proof of Tom Holland defending you from an Adult autograph seeker probably is worth more than any signature. This right here is the high. 31k retweets 218k likes, Even more over multiple tweets and prestigious websites such as TheUglyOrange blogging about it. Signatures aint worth shit pal. Even Tom Hollands and I like the guy.

 

If You’re Gonna Do Wrestling Moves In A Fight, You Better Have The Pageantry To Sell It

Never in my life was I so amped for something only to be let down. Something any guy envisions is getting into a fight like an absolute bad ass and knocking out fools left and right like a Kung-fu flick. Doing all sorts of crazy shit but definitely doing some variation of a wresting move you saw from the 90’s attitude era. The DDT is absolutely one of them. Just being dropped on your skull onto a chair or the Spanish announcers table. Something that will really leave a dent to prove that you gave your opponent at least a grade 2 concussion but instead we got this sad attempt at a DDT.

What the hell happened? Imagine tossing a basketball up in the air expecting it to bounce when it hits the floor but instead it just laid still. Like on a humanity level I’m glad Red Shirt is fine but learn a little pageantry for me one time dude. Flail around, shoot the legs up as if your spine just went into extreme impact. Instead he rubbed his head as if he bumped it against a kitchen counter. That’s not good enough. The other guy isn’t without blame either. Anyone who knows what the DDT is and sees that flat side front end of a car I guarantee you was expecting to drive his head straight through the engine block. Ultimately despite growing out of the wrestling phase that’s why I still respect the fuck out of WWE stars. You gotta be able to sell baby. Take the bumps take the hits. Electrify the crowd. When the guy put him in a head lock getting ready to shatter this guys skull I expected him to point to the crowd and chant to electrify the audience but nope. Just the worst performed DDT.

Im glad this guy enjoyed it though. My guy here was pumped to see a DDT in a real fight. He gets it.

 

Much Like Boxing Twitter, Jurassic World Dinosaur Twitter Is Quick To Tell You Whats Right Or Wrong About What Isn’t A Dinosaur

Look at all these people.

When there’s a big boxing match that happens on twitter, you’re quick to know because all you’ll see on the time line is people who score the fight and give their input on how so and so should’ve won if he had just did this or that. Amazing. Everyone all of a sudden becomes Freddie Roach and telling fighters to work the body via the Twitter machine even though they wont see their tweets because a.) Their hands are taped up and physically cant use the cellular smart phone device and b.) because they don’t care what you have to say because 99% of the world knows you’ve never been in a fight before that lasted more than 3 punches from an older sibling.

Do you think I’m gonna accept dinosaur knowledge from these people? Fuck no. Have they ever been a part of a archeological dig? Doubt it. Why do these people gotta be like that. Anyone one who’s old enough to engage on twitter should have the mental capacity to realize that a Hollywood movie franchise who’s name is already based in fiction, does not care about accuracy about whether or not a CGI creature in their Hollywood blockbuster is in fact a specific species. Any Paleontologist, a person who studies fossils etc anyone in that field that is around 30 years old grew up and probably watched Jurassic World and it affected them to the point where they decided to pay thousands to get an education about dead things and to dig in dirt and they did it calling them all dinosaurs growing up. Its a kids movie. If it grabs their imagination to the point where they learn the In’s and Out’s of different eras and what technically is a dinosaur bird then fine, but I don’t for a second believe any of these people are dino scientist. Everyone being so clever thinking their smart knowing whats a dinosaur or not. Well guess what, its a very old bird that should be extinct. Yea I get it a Dinosaur is a specific thing but guess what? It’s now just a term for something thats old as shit or extinct. People actually getting mad about this shit is WILD. Its a twitter. Its things that are dead. The correct terminology only matters to people who study dinosaurs and if you think any of those people take credence into anything the @JurassicWorld twitter has to say, you’re crazy.

No Alfonso. You see, its a twitter account used for Marketing. This guy essentially thinks you need a paleontologist to run a twitter account to marketing a Hollywood Franchise meant for kids and young adults. Not necessarily for Paleontologist. Not NOT for Paleontologist, just not meant for people who take Paleontology very seriously id imagine. Think of Dinosaur as a marketing term at this point for any old shit that became extinct before human civilization. Get over it and just let the word dinosaur be.

Sidenote- This guy gets a pass maybe but come on. Just let kids call them dinosaurs.

All The London Eels Have A Major Coke Problem…Also They’re Getting Pee’d On

New York Post Londoners are taking so much cocaine that it has seeped into the city’s famous River Thames, new research by King’s College London has discovered, prompting concerns over what it is doing to the river’s wildlife.
A team of scientists at the university studied wastewater that’s entering into the Thames from nearby sewers during storms and found easily detectable traces of the class A drug within 24 hours of the overflow, the Independent reports.
“Increases in caffeine, cocaine and benzoylecgonine [a metabolite] were observed 24 hours after sewer overflow events,” King’s College London researchers said in a paper that detailed their findings, according to the Evening Standard.
Compared to other major cities, the level of cocaine entering London’s water system — likely through users’ urine — is much higher, stoking fears that it may be affecting the eels that live in the Thames. “Drugs which affect us will almost always affect all animal life, and invertebrates a little bit more because their biochemistry is much more sensitive,” Robson explained. “Essentially everything in the water will be affected by drugs like these. A lot of the triggers and the ways that cocaine affects the system is really primal.” The cocaine problem plaguing eels has been discussed before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmZexg8sxyk

 

Good lord I didn’t know British Eels got it like that. If I had to pick an aquatic marine life it would be eels that like to party. City Eels too, not salt water eels. Ocean eels are workers. But these City Eels hanging out in the popular spot. The River Thames just squirming and wiggling around dancing, bump a key, stay movin and groovin. We all got our vices. I’m not tryina control them. It might not be my thing but I’m not gonna tell them how they should live their life. But with the sensitive nature of drug use, you gotta understand when a casual party drug is turning to a problem that’s gonna really fuck up your life down the road. Listen we all went to college, us and these eels alike, but when you got cocaine pretty much flowing through your gills every second 24/7 its probably that point where its becoming a problem. Now am I a doctor or a scientist that can tell how much cocaine is flowing in the rivers? Nah, but Id imagine its almost like when they dye the river in Chicago for St. Patricks day.

I mean that would be such an irresponsible amount of drug use right there but how else are all these Eels getting tweaked out? The fun’s gotta stop eventually. It’s not a party if it happens every night and eventually you gotta look around and see how its affecting your own neighborhood. I hope for the better that these eels get it under control eventually.

Also its coming from British people’s piss so they’re getting pee’d on an coked up. Imagine getting a golden shower that dials you up to 11. Not great

Having To Pay 4k for Anal is OUTRAGEOUS…. Especially When You’re The One Receiving

Syracuse, NY — Syracuse police, a city court judge and St. Joseph’s Hospital Health Center worked together last year to conduct a highly unusual drug search.

They collaborated to sedate a suspect and thread an 8-inch flexible tube into his rectum in a search for illegal drugs. The suspect, who police said had taunted them that he’d hidden drugs there, refused consent for the procedure.

At least two doctors resisted the police request. An X-ray already had indicated no drugs. They saw no medical need to perform an invasive procedure on someone against his will.

The notes from police and doctors suggest some tension, a standoff. At one point, eight police officers were at the hospital. A doctor remembers telling officers: “We would not be doing that.”

The hospital’s top lawyer got pulled in. He talked with the judge who signed the search warrant, which was written by police and signed at the judge’s home.

When they were done, the hospital lawyer overruled its doctors. The lawyer told his doctors that a search warrant required the doctors to use “any means” to retrieve the drugs, records show.

So St. Joe’s medical staff knocked out the suspect and performed the sigmoidoscopy, in search of evidence of a misdemeanor or low-level felony charge, records show.

The idea of a government-ordered medical procedure for such a common offense surprised defense lawyers here and national experts in medical and legal ethics.

“It’s crazy. It’s over the top, by far,” said Hermann Walz, a longtime criminal attorney and professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. “You’re looking for marijuana and cocaine? It’s extreme. If they wanted to cut him open and look at his stomach, that would be OK, too?”

Critics say the cops, the judge and hospital may have violated the civil rights of the suspect, subjected him to medical risk, and exposed the city and the hospital to a lawsuit.

“The whole thing is cuckoo nuts to me,” said the suspect’s defense lawyer, Charles Keller. “What country are we living in?”

So, was it worth the risk? The X-ray was right. The scope found no drugs.

And when they were done, St. Joe’s sent the suspect a bill for $4,595.12.

4.6 K for anal. Unreal.

I know cops can be liars but I’m just taking this story for its word and if they guy said he hid drugs up his ass then to me he said he hid drugs up his ass until I hear otherwise. But that’s just crazy. I don’t know the steps that proceeded but I imagine he was taken in cuffs and next thing you know he’s blacked out with one of those SWAT light cameras in your asshole searching around for hidden treasure all for nothing. Was this a diversion tactic maybe? Spend the time searching in the asshole when its really hidden in the car bumper? And an 8 incher too? That’s impressive. Sometimes I think Drug dealers and those of that ilk are just scumbags that are good for nothing and then I think about the degrading things they have to go through in their line of work and the resilience it requires just to put food on their table and then I remember i don’t have to do that.  I mean how many criminals have had to stash drugs up their ass before? You see it all the time in movies I think. Cops still asking to squat and cough right? It’s a ballsy move of this guy for whatever reason. Maybe he was fucked in the head and thought he stashed his drugs up his rectum. Maybe he just got his jollies off getting his b-hole touches and probed. What i can guarantee is no matter if you like the feeling or not, if you got your poop shoot messed with either intentional for pleasure or against your will, it is ABSURD to be charged over FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS for it.

I Don’t Want To Bring Up 2nd Amendment Rights, But Dan Bilzarian Celebrating His Armenian Citizenship By Launching A Bazooka Is Kinda Awesome

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First day as Armenian citizen

A post shared by Dan Bilzerian (@danbilzerian) on

The Blast – Dan Bilzerian was so excited about his new citizenship that he celebrated with a party popper in the form of a gigantic bazooka.
The Instagram party boy just received his citizenship in Armenia, along with his brother Adam. The head of the Aremnian visa and passport office, Mnatsakan Bichakhchyan confirmed that “Dan and Adam Bilzerian brothers are participating in the oath ceremony on the occasion of receiving an Armenian citizenship.”
Bilzerian also reportedly signed up for military service, which is required of all male Armenian citizens.
To celebrate, he went out into the desert and fired off some heavy artillery, including a machine gun and a bazooka.

This might be the most stereotypical american thing but that does not mean its not awesome. Not even just American. I mean clearly its pretty Armenian and i have a hint of suspicion that Russians can celebrate in a similar fashion. Just a guy thing to do. Sure we’re born with our citizen ship but we need something better for when you become 18.  We need more of instant gratification thing to commemorate the passing of your childhood years into your adult years. We buy lotto tickets, probably wont win. Buy a pack of cigarettes, I dont smoke. Go to a Strip Club, cant/shouldn’t try to have sex with the strippers. But if I get the chance to fire a Bazooka as a rights of passage and blow up something and feel that immediate rush of adrenaline knowing you caused the destruction of something with such explosive power? Well thats just awesome. That’s something that I can get behind. Just as a choice. If you don’t like firearms, i would never want to put you through the pressure of firing a rocket launcher, but if you do want to do it and you just so happen to turn 18 or something, you should absolutely have the chance to do that fireing it off into a heep of rubble or something cause that’s just fucking awesome.

I Don’t Want To Sully The Good Name Of Love But No Chance This Surfer Heart Attack First Date Wasn’t Staged

DM – A doctor ‘kissed’ her partner for the first time – as she performed life-saving CPR after he collapsed during their first date on a California beach.
Anesthesiologist Andi Traynor, 45, was on her first official date with Max Montgomery, 56, when he collapsed after a morning of surfing.
Mr Montgomery, a tech content creator, had felt a burning sensation in his chest while paddling but didn’t realize anything was wrong until he began to feel exhausted after he left the water.
Dr Traynor, of Palo Alto, California, was shocked as she watched Mr Montgomery collapse on Capitola Beach, Santa Cruz, and couldn’t find her new flame’s pulse when she turned him over.
The mom-of-two immediately began to perform CPR on Mr Montgomery, of Santa Cruz, California, with the help of passersbys.
Within seven minutes, an ambulance had arrived and stretchered Mr Montgomery off the beach before reviving him using a defibrillator on route to Dominican Hospital.
Doctors determined that Mr Montgomery had suffered a heart attack and he had a number of blockages of his coronary artery.

What a performance! Putting blockages in his arteries to cause a heart attack nearly stopping blood flow to cut off to the brain causing permanent brain damage. Bravo! I mean come on does this not sound like a play straight out of Dating Coach Alexander “Hitch” Hitchens. Maybe the 45 year old Anesthesiologist kept on dating assholes when there’s this perfectly fine “tech content creator” who’s been admiring her for awhile but needed just the right push to make them fall in love. So he fakes a nice little heart attack. She performs a Kiss/ CPR on him and that’s when she realizes “Wow, maybe i actually am in love with this “dying” man on the beach.” Not to mention the 7 minute flat ambulance rescue. Granted I have no idea where this beach is in California but if I’ve heard anything out of California, its that traffic is a bitch. 7 minutes? Montgomery is a “tech content creator”? Kinda sounds like this guy knows how to cut up a video. Kinda Sounds like he might’ve collapsed conveniently in frame of this camera that caught it all on tape. Kinda Sounds like the EMT on scene is most likely Will Smith disguised as the ambulance to make sure the date went all according to plan so he can get paid resuscitating his client. Win-Win-Win scenario. I don’t hate it one bit, I just know this is all to happenchance for me.

Screen Rants: War of the Planet of the Apes; A Chernin Entertainment Masterpiece ***Potential Spoilers***

Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless colonel (Woody Harrelson). After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both of their species and the future of the planet.

 

As some of you may know, I started this film blog on the premise that I never got to see a lot of movies growing up. My parents, being foreigners from some farm land in China, never saw or knew of the cultural impact movies have on people. A lot of the classics I’ve never seen. Well now, I almost don’t have to because I’m pretty sure I get a touch and feel of tons of Oscar winning movies in this. Do you want to see a film that highlights the brutality of war like Apocalypse Now and Platoon? You get that in this movie. Want a revenge tale like a classic western like The Revenant? Well you get that. Want a classic film meditation on the controversies involving slavery and racism like the classic tv mini-series Roots? Well this movie has it. Shit one can even lump it into the Prison escape genre that’s on par with the likes of The Shawshank Redemption. That’s what you get when you see the latest Chernin Entertainment picture. Really just a cinematic masterpiece all around.

I mean when you talk about acting and what makes it great, It’s if the characters really convey emotions to the audience watching, well it certainly did that. But then there’s a realism aspect where some how Andy Serkis has to accurately portray what it would be like If a Monkey were some how injected with a cure for Alzheimer’s and it gave him super human brain capacity essentially giving him a human brain in a very versatile chimpanzee body. Like there’s no base of concept there so I can’t really tell if that’s how a chimpanzee would move and act, but the acting was so well I fucking believe it every second. I know how a chimp would hold an Shotgun and even point a commander sized 1911 pistol to someones head after seeing this movie.

Woody Harrelson’s Character? Absolute lunatic. I mean in a changing world where primates become the top of the food chain there is no more normal but his character is a lunatic. Probably draws some inspirations from Hitler / Kim Jong Un type. Just an all around Dictator with ambitions to crush the opposition. Guy’s wild. He doesn’t necessarily have as much screen time that I would like, but he has one massive important monologue, and every time he’s on screen your on pins in needles thinking an ape is gonna get shot. Like I said, Kim Jong Un level diabolical.

I really liked the first film. It wasn’t as intense but it was a good origin story and the scene where Caesar stands over them as they sleep is one of the most terrifying things in real life. Like Im prepared for a burglar to come in and try to make it out with my TV in the living room while i bust in with a shotgun. If the cat burglar was in fact a very tall muscular chimpanzee standing at the foot of my bed staring at me, I would just simply loose my shit and scream. It’s one thing to be all humans and dealing with below average criminals, another thing to be terrified of monsters that don’t exist. Whole nothing scenario dealing with real world animals and god knows how many medical test subjects there are that can create super human/ super intellectual breed of animals. So yea, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was awesome. Maybe my favorite one because we get to see a different side of Cesar.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was just good and shocking. I mean they didn’t pull the curtains on any of it. Sure Rise of the planet of the Apes had its fair share of action but right from the jump there’s gun play going on. Trigger fingers everywhere. But most of all the scene where the Chimp plays dumb and just straight up MURKS two dudes. It was shocking. That was the seminal moment in the franchise to me when I knew shit was gonna get wild. He straight up tricked em and put a bullet in their heads. One of the realest shits I’ve ever seen. Not my favorite just because I liked Rise so much. But still a solid pick right below Rise.

War I think is my favorite which should be reason enough to go see it. Trust my word. But I also like it because it’s personal. He’s here for business. Great way to conclude and close the books on a trilogy. Like I said. Its a war film wrapped around a prison escape movie filled with themes of hellbent military figures, racism, slavery and driven by a revenge plot. Takes a lot of balls to make a film like that. (Also takes a lot of balls for the production company to start their venture into film and TV production with this franchise **cough**cough** Chernin Entertainment/ Peter Chernin. cc- Barstool Sports, please hire me.) If I’m gonna be absolutely critical and honest it’s very hard to maintain a perfect score in film. There was even a cock sucker who knocked Get Out down a peg on Rotten Tomatoes. So no War of the Planets of the Apes is not a 10/10. and that’s because its an 11/10. Go see CHimps and humans Engage in WaR at the eNd of all man kInd with only one civilization surviviNg it in theaters this weekend.

So if we’re keeping score at home its

1.) War of the Planet of the Apes

1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes

2.) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

**Cough**Cough**

 

***LITTLE SIDE NOTES****

1.) I’ve only been to California once when I was a little kid and have yet to go back. I know It’s a large state with a variety of environment and ecosystems but how the fuck did they go from Water falls and lush forest environment to trekking through snow and even a blizzard. Does California get like that? Is it because it’s pretty much the end of the world in this scenario and weather patters are just crazy? Are Apes even built for snow? Wish we had the Chernin Entertainment group to release like side short films explaining this shit even more.

2.) That poor horse that has to run a million miles an hour with a fucking gorilla on it’s back. Cesar is a cruiser weight at best but no chance that horse would’ve made it another full day of riding with Luca on it’s back. Herniated horse spine disks for sure. I mean it ran from the beaches of California into the cold north for Christ’s sake. Speaking of gorillas…

 

These two mother fuckers. Winter’s a back stabbing son of a bitch. How could you betray your own kind? I mean I get they’re threatened by war and shit but Gorillas are like the grand daddy when it comes to Primates right? Like Caesar is a good pick because he’s a simple chimpanzee. Guy’s a common folk and represents the common apes in the world but I mean if you want the biggest and baddest you go for a gorilla. These two mother fuckers just betray the crew to be the lackey. You’d figure a beast of that size wouldn’t take shit from no human. Such a travesty. Luca on the other hand. Give that guy a Purple Star. You know who else deserves some love?

Maurice. Guy is just so nice and sensible. Crazy that such a peaceful guy like that can get caught up in the middle of war. I know my allergies would flare up and he probably smells disgusting with his damp matted hair but I still want to give him a hug. Speaking of honoring primates who died in senseless violence.

LINK TO BUY

 

RIP Harambe. Pay your respects by clicking the purchase button and wear the shirts in theaters while you see the Chernin Entertainment classic War of the Planet of the Apes if you’re against violence towards Apes. #RIPHarambe #ApeStrong

Jeff Goldblum Is Returning For The Jurassic World Sequel

THR- Jeff Goldblum is returning to the land of dinosaurs.
The actor, who co-starred in 1993’s Jurassic Park and 1997’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park, will appear in Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment’s next Jurassic World film.

Growing up as a 90’s kid you have to love the Jurassic Park series. Sure Jurassic World didn’t do much for me. It was so animated and was just one big ad inside of an ad inside of a movie. They really hit the name on the head back when the 1st one came out. Those dinosaurs looked real as fuck, and while i do like Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, Jurassic World was a very soft movie to me. You know what really killed me about? Those fucking kids. They suuuuccckkkked. So annoying. One kid crying about his mommy parents divorce, the other one being just a weird loser asshole. Make sure those kids don’t come back. Bring back in Professor Malcom. Definitely bring back in BD Wong, the mad scientist who concocted all these dinosaur assholes and now we’re cooking with gas. Wouldn’t mind a small cameo or mention to Sam Neills character as well. I’m all in. Summer 2018 is gonna be one hell of a summer block buster.