Tag Archives: war

Screen Rants: War of the Planet of the Apes; A Chernin Entertainment Masterpiece ***Potential Spoilers***

Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless colonel (Woody Harrelson). After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both of their species and the future of the planet.

 

As some of you may know, I started this film blog on the premise that I never got to see a lot of movies growing up. My parents, being foreigners from some farm land in China, never saw or knew of the cultural impact movies have on people. A lot of the classics I’ve never seen. Well now, I almost don’t have to because I’m pretty sure I get a touch and feel of tons of Oscar winning movies in this. Do you want to see a film that highlights the brutality of war like Apocalypse Now and Platoon? You get that in this movie. Want a revenge tale like a classic western like The Revenant? Well you get that. Want a classic film meditation on the controversies involving slavery and racism like the classic tv mini-series Roots? Well this movie has it. Shit one can even lump it into the Prison escape genre that’s on par with the likes of The Shawshank Redemption. That’s what you get when you see the latest Chernin Entertainment picture. Really just a cinematic masterpiece all around.

I mean when you talk about acting and what makes it great, It’s if the characters really convey emotions to the audience watching, well it certainly did that. But then there’s a realism aspect where some how Andy Serkis has to accurately portray what it would be like If a Monkey were some how injected with a cure for Alzheimer’s and it gave him super human brain capacity essentially giving him a human brain in a very versatile chimpanzee body. Like there’s no base of concept there so I can’t really tell if that’s how a chimpanzee would move and act, but the acting was so well I fucking believe it every second. I know how a chimp would hold an Shotgun and even point a commander sized 1911 pistol to someones head after seeing this movie.

Woody Harrelson’s Character? Absolute lunatic. I mean in a changing world where primates become the top of the food chain there is no more normal but his character is a lunatic. Probably draws some inspirations from Hitler / Kim Jong Un type. Just an all around Dictator with ambitions to crush the opposition. Guy’s wild. He doesn’t necessarily have as much screen time that I would like, but he has one massive important monologue, and every time he’s on screen your on pins in needles thinking an ape is gonna get shot. Like I said, Kim Jong Un level diabolical.

I really liked the first film. It wasn’t as intense but it was a good origin story and the scene where Caesar stands over them as they sleep is one of the most terrifying things in real life. Like Im prepared for a burglar to come in and try to make it out with my TV in the living room while i bust in with a shotgun. If the cat burglar was in fact a very tall muscular chimpanzee standing at the foot of my bed staring at me, I would just simply loose my shit and scream. It’s one thing to be all humans and dealing with below average criminals, another thing to be terrified of monsters that don’t exist. Whole nothing scenario dealing with real world animals and god knows how many medical test subjects there are that can create super human/ super intellectual breed of animals. So yea, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was awesome. Maybe my favorite one because we get to see a different side of Cesar.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was just good and shocking. I mean they didn’t pull the curtains on any of it. Sure Rise of the planet of the Apes had its fair share of action but right from the jump there’s gun play going on. Trigger fingers everywhere. But most of all the scene where the Chimp plays dumb and just straight up MURKS two dudes. It was shocking. That was the seminal moment in the franchise to me when I knew shit was gonna get wild. He straight up tricked em and put a bullet in their heads. One of the realest shits I’ve ever seen. Not my favorite just because I liked Rise so much. But still a solid pick right below Rise.

War I think is my favorite which should be reason enough to go see it. Trust my word. But I also like it because it’s personal. He’s here for business. Great way to conclude and close the books on a trilogy. Like I said. Its a war film wrapped around a prison escape movie filled with themes of hellbent military figures, racism, slavery and driven by a revenge plot. Takes a lot of balls to make a film like that. (Also takes a lot of balls for the production company to start their venture into film and TV production with this franchise **cough**cough** Chernin Entertainment/ Peter Chernin. cc- Barstool Sports, please hire me.) If I’m gonna be absolutely critical and honest it’s very hard to maintain a perfect score in film. There was even a cock sucker who knocked Get Out down a peg on Rotten Tomatoes. So no War of the Planets of the Apes is not a 10/10. and that’s because its an 11/10. Go see CHimps and humans Engage in WaR at the eNd of all man kInd with only one civilization surviviNg it in theaters this weekend.

So if we’re keeping score at home its

1.) War of the Planet of the Apes

1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes

2.) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

**Cough**Cough**

 

***LITTLE SIDE NOTES****

1.) I’ve only been to California once when I was a little kid and have yet to go back. I know It’s a large state with a variety of environment and ecosystems but how the fuck did they go from Water falls and lush forest environment to trekking through snow and even a blizzard. Does California get like that? Is it because it’s pretty much the end of the world in this scenario and weather patters are just crazy? Are Apes even built for snow? Wish we had the Chernin Entertainment group to release like side short films explaining this shit even more.

2.) That poor horse that has to run a million miles an hour with a fucking gorilla on it’s back. Cesar is a cruiser weight at best but no chance that horse would’ve made it another full day of riding with Luca on it’s back. Herniated horse spine disks for sure. I mean it ran from the beaches of California into the cold north for Christ’s sake. Speaking of gorillas…

 

These two mother fuckers. Winter’s a back stabbing son of a bitch. How could you betray your own kind? I mean I get they’re threatened by war and shit but Gorillas are like the grand daddy when it comes to Primates right? Like Caesar is a good pick because he’s a simple chimpanzee. Guy’s a common folk and represents the common apes in the world but I mean if you want the biggest and baddest you go for a gorilla. These two mother fuckers just betray the crew to be the lackey. You’d figure a beast of that size wouldn’t take shit from no human. Such a travesty. Luca on the other hand. Give that guy a Purple Star. You know who else deserves some love?

Maurice. Guy is just so nice and sensible. Crazy that such a peaceful guy like that can get caught up in the middle of war. I know my allergies would flare up and he probably smells disgusting with his damp matted hair but I still want to give him a hug. Speaking of honoring primates who died in senseless violence.

LINK TO BUY

 

RIP Harambe. Pay your respects by clicking the purchase button and wear the shirts in theaters while you see the Chernin Entertainment classic War of the Planet of the Apes if you’re against violence towards Apes. #RIPHarambe #ApeStrong

Advertisements

The Battle Of Autumn: Team Apple vs. Team Pumpkin

Apples

VS

pumpkins

Ahhh yes Fall is here. Now i know this doesn’t even really apply for Florida but god dammit it didn’t always use to be this way. I remember as a young boy, it was fall and just spent the day in school playing outside hanging out with friends. It was dress up day for Halloween. The winds blew and the air was crisp and i even think leaves turned all brown. I would go home, play outside with my dog running acres around the house. Go back inside and i specifically remember watching the Halloween episode of The Famous Jett Jackson. That’s right. Black teenage espionage Disney movies like you read about. Any ways, it was fall. The Environment was fall. I don’t know if its global warming or just growing up but i cling onto those days where the wind was cool and breezy in October.

Anyone who knows me knows i dream of just a farm up in like Vermont that i could go to to get away from it all with my dog and just play outside. Kick a ball around, play some football. Just watch the leaves change and shit. I’m all about that and that’s what i live for. I don’t want to die here in Florida. I want to be like the reverse Ben Affleck in The Town and instead of running away to Florida, i want to run away to New England. Until i get to that point i cling onto anything fall but one of the greatest injustice in modern life is the over rating of Pumpkin when it comes to Fall. A lot of this is due to the Buzzfeed culture and i just wont stand for it. In a 12 round heavy weight match, Apple would punch pumpkin in its dick every round and its not a question.

EXHIBIT A) Alcohol

redds-apple-ale-6-pack-bottles VS shipyard-pumpkinhead

Listen pumpkin beer is nice and all. I get it it has a nice flavor. But Apple Ale kicks pumpkin beers dick. Its crisp and refreshing and I’m pretty sure has more alcohol too so you get your buzz on faster. Yea i get it Pumpkin is more “seasonal” but again, that’s just some man made preconception. (p.s- i also like blueberry beer. That’s summer seasonal. Sea dog blueberry [that doesn’t make me gay])

EXHIBIT B) Pie/desert

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.16.17 PM

Pies. This is a monumental category. Its a lasting impression on the meal. Fourth quarter of the game. Now pumpkin pie is awesome. I do love it. Rich texture, sweet, its a tour de force for the autumn season. In team Apple we have classic apple pie. As American as George Washington. Now i know what you might say, Apple pie seems like a 4th of July thing. That’s the beauty of apple pie. You have conventional pie served a la mode. A nice Lattice cut for the 4th, and apple crisp for the fall. Pumpkin pie is always served cold which i feel like isn’t awesome all around. Apple pie/cobbler/crisp taste good hot or cold. Always comes out to play and brings its A game every time.

EXHIBIT C) Spices

pumpkinpiespice2

Now we’re getting down to microscopic powders that really make up what all the white girls want out of fall. The pumpkin spice lattes. Now for the sake of argument im gonna assume pumpkin pie spice is relatively the same thing as pumpkin spice. And here its pretty much a wash. Lets go to the tapeScreen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.31.13 PM

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.31.47 PM As you can see the genetic make up of Fall spices mostly comprises of cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice. Pumpkin spice has the extra ginger, but apple comes with ground cloves AND cardamom. In my house hold, extra is always the winner, but ill be generous and say this is a wash because I’m nice like that.

EXHIBIT D)Picking

pumpkin+picking

                                                        VS

Apples

Picking. An experience everyone should have multiple times in their life. Now both these experience are nice and all but the thing is Pumpkin picking is like picking one specific pumpkin. I mean no body ACTUALLY picks a pumpkin to eat (this comes into play afterwards). They pick the pumpkin for Jack-o-lanterns. Now pumpkins, as nice as they are, are all oblong shapes. You struggle to pick the correct one because they gotta work well for your jack-o-lantern face. Sure you can decorate with a few odd looking ones, but the kids all want that nice round one, a bit wider than long, can cut out a nice grin on its face. The struggle is real when trying to find the right pumpkin. Apple picking, is it ripe? yes or no. pick a billion of them, get them by the bushel, spend the afternoon breathing fresh air, and take a tractor ride back to your car. Enjoy football while your girl makes you apple pie/crisp/crumble or just take a bite into an apple and feel stronger.

EXHIBIT E)- MISCELLANEOUS

Different-Apples

When you gotta summon that extra burst of energy to make it through the day, you just gotta sugar rush yourself. No better way then caramel apples, lie to your self and say the apple is healthy, get the burst of energy from pure sugary caramel.

masthead_cider_donuts

15484b2b3785ea_5 IMG_3496-copy

Are pumpkin spice donuts a thing? Like it has to be a thing before Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts started reading buzzfeed on how to market to white women. All i know is Apple cider donuts are a thing, and to go with that Apple Cider, both regular or Sparking for the classy occasion. Is Pumpkin cider a thing? if so it sounds lame and just an apple copycat and nobody likes a copycat.

Perfect-Pumpkin-Bread

Now when i originally posed the thought of Apple over Pumpkin, i got some backlash obviously and the only thing i got back in where Pumpkin has a win over apple is Bread. I’ve never had Pumpkin bread. It sounds like a thing but i don’t really know of it. Either way, they have apple breads but ill put my trust in the public for once and prove I’m not biased. Ill give them the benefit that a pumpkin bread might be good. But if we’re gonna be totally honest, Banana nut bread is da bomb. And then if we’re gonna be totally totally honest, If i could have one sliced bread for sandwiches for the rest of my life it would be Panera’s Tomato Basil bread.

021+raw+pepitas 35b7f83dc71aee51eedadbe99f397a3a

I guessssss if im trying to find things to not be biased, Pumpkin seeds are a thing? I mean yea salted seeds are nice little snack every now and then so ill allow  for it especially since you can’t eat apple seeds. In case you’re not as worldly and full of information like i am, apple seeds contain cyanide. Now if you were to argue for team apple, Yea you can’t eat them but if you were to say plot a scheme where you kill someone with cyanide then about 85 grams or just about a cup of dry apple seeds, you can successfully kill someone. Eat the Apple to get healthy, use the seeds on you’re nemesis. Name something apples can’t do. you cant.

So there you have it folks. I laid my life on the line before you. Fought the war with every last breathe in my body. My bones were aching taking gun fine and explosions fighting the good fight but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll sleep when im dead. Thats my dedication to making apple king again. I don’t want to live in a world where buzzfeed dictates the world and thinks for us. Long before pumpkin came along, it was apples. Toe to Toe Apple beats pumpkin in almost every damn way shape or form. If i need to get into a fist fight with every white girl i will, but Im gonna end pumpkin as fall flavor and make sure they know Apple is the Lord, when i shall lay my vengence upon them. Ezekiel 25:17. I know this is all one big bold statement and I’ll even settle for co existence, but whenever it comes up in conversation im fighting for America’s first fall fruit. Team Apple always and forever.