This might be the most stereotypical american thing but that does not mean its not awesome. Not even just American. I mean clearly its pretty Armenian and i have a hint of suspicion that Russians can celebrate in a similar fashion. Just a guy thing to do. Sure we’re born with our citizen ship but we need something better for when you become 18. We need more of instant gratification thing to commemorate the passing of your childhood years into your adult years. We buy lotto tickets, probably wont win. Buy a pack of cigarettes, I dont smoke. Go to a Strip Club, cant/shouldn’t try to have sex with the strippers. But if I get the chance to fire a Bazooka as a rights of passage and blow up something and feel that immediate rush of adrenaline knowing you caused the destruction of something with such explosive power? Well thats just awesome. That’s something that I can get behind. Just as a choice. If you don’t like firearms, i would never want to put you through the pressure of firing a rocket launcher, but if you do want to do it and you just so happen to turn 18 or something, you should absolutely have the chance to do that fireing it off into a heep of rubble or something cause that’s just fucking awesome.
What a performance! Putting blockages in his arteries to cause a heart attack nearly stopping blood flow to cut off to the brain causing permanent brain damage. Bravo! I mean come on does this not sound like a play straight out of Dating Coach Alexander “Hitch” Hitchens. Maybe the 45 year old Anesthesiologist kept on dating assholes when there’s this perfectly fine “tech content creator” who’s been admiring her for awhile but needed just the right push to make them fall in love. So he fakes a nice little heart attack. She performs a Kiss/ CPR on him and that’s when she realizes “Wow, maybe i actually am in love with this “dying” man on the beach.” Not to mention the 7 minute flat ambulance rescue. Granted I have no idea where this beach is in California but if I’ve heard anything out of California, its that traffic is a bitch. 7 minutes? Montgomery is a “tech content creator”? Kinda sounds like this guy knows how to cut up a video. Kinda Sounds like he might’ve collapsed conveniently in frame of this camera that caught it all on tape. Kinda Sounds like the EMT on scene is most likely Will Smith disguised as the ambulance to make sure the date went all according to plan so he can get paid resuscitating his client. Win-Win-Win scenario. I don’t hate it one bit, I just know this is all to happenchance for me.
Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless colonel (Woody Harrelson). After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both of their species and the future of the planet.
As some of you may know, I started this film blog on the premise that I never got to see a lot of movies growing up. My parents, being foreigners from some farm land in China, never saw or knew of the cultural impact movies have on people. A lot of the classics I’ve never seen. Well now, I almost don’t have to because I’m pretty sure I get a touch and feel of tons of Oscar winning movies in this. Do you want to see a film that highlights the brutality of war like Apocalypse Now and Platoon? You get that in this movie. Want a revenge tale like a classic western like The Revenant? Well you get that. Want a classic film meditation on the controversies involving slavery and racism like the classic tv mini-series Roots? Well this movie has it. Shit one can even lump it into the Prison escape genre that’s on par with the likes of The Shawshank Redemption. That’s what you get when you see the latest Chernin Entertainment picture. Really just a cinematic masterpiece all around.
I mean when you talk about acting and what makes it great, It’s if the characters really convey emotions to the audience watching, well it certainly did that. But then there’s a realism aspect where some how Andy Serkis has to accurately portray what it would be like If a Monkey were some how injected with a cure for Alzheimer’s and it gave him super human brain capacity essentially giving him a human brain in a very versatile chimpanzee body. Like there’s no base of concept there so I can’t really tell if that’s how a chimpanzee would move and act, but the acting was so well I fucking believe it every second. I know how a chimp would hold an Shotgun and even point a commander sized 1911 pistol to someones head after seeing this movie.
Woody Harrelson’s Character? Absolute lunatic. I mean in a changing world where primates become the top of the food chain there is no more normal but his character is a lunatic. Probably draws some inspirations from Hitler / Kim Jong Un type. Just an all around Dictator with ambitions to crush the opposition. Guy’s wild. He doesn’t necessarily have as much screen time that I would like, but he has one massive important monologue, and every time he’s on screen your on pins in needles thinking an ape is gonna get shot. Like I said, Kim Jong Un level diabolical.
I really liked the first film. It wasn’t as intense but it was a good origin story and the scene where Caesar stands over them as they sleep is one of the most terrifying things in real life. Like Im prepared for a burglar to come in and try to make it out with my TV in the living room while i bust in with a shotgun. If the cat burglar was in fact a very tall muscular chimpanzee standing at the foot of my bed staring at me, I would just simply loose my shit and scream. It’s one thing to be all humans and dealing with below average criminals, another thing to be terrified of monsters that don’t exist. Whole nothing scenario dealing with real world animals and god knows how many medical test subjects there are that can create super human/ super intellectual breed of animals. So yea, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was awesome. Maybe my favorite one because we get to see a different side of Cesar.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was just good and shocking. I mean they didn’t pull the curtains on any of it. Sure Rise of the planet of the Apes had its fair share of action but right from the jump there’s gun play going on. Trigger fingers everywhere. But most of all the scene where the Chimp plays dumb and just straight up MURKS two dudes. It was shocking. That was the seminal moment in the franchise to me when I knew shit was gonna get wild. He straight up tricked em and put a bullet in their heads. One of the realest shits I’ve ever seen. Not my favorite just because I liked Rise so much. But still a solid pick right below Rise.
War I think is my favorite which should be reason enough to go see it. Trust my word. But I also like it because it’s personal. He’s here for business. Great way to conclude and close the books on a trilogy. Like I said. Its a war film wrapped around a prison escape movie filled with themes of hellbent military figures, racism, slavery and driven by a revenge plot. Takes a lot of balls to make a film like that. (Also takes a lot of balls for the production company to start their venture into film and TV production with this franchise **cough**cough** Chernin Entertainment/ Peter Chernin. cc- Barstool Sports, please hire me.) If I’m gonna be absolutely critical and honest it’s very hard to maintain a perfect score in film. There was even a cock sucker who knocked Get Out down a peg on Rotten Tomatoes. So no War of the Planets of the Apes is not a 10/10. and that’s because its an 11/10. Go see CHimps and humans Engage in WaR at the eNd of all man kInd with only one civilization surviviNg it in theaters this weekend.
So if we’re keeping score at home its
1.) War of the Planet of the Apes
1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
2.) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
***LITTLE SIDE NOTES****
1.) I’ve only been to California once when I was a little kid and have yet to go back. I know It’s a large state with a variety of environment and ecosystems but how the fuck did they go from Water falls and lush forest environment to trekking through snow and even a blizzard. Does California get like that? Is it because it’s pretty much the end of the world in this scenario and weather patters are just crazy? Are Apes even built for snow? Wish we had the Chernin Entertainment group to release like side short films explaining this shit even more.
2.) That poor horse that has to run a million miles an hour with a fucking gorilla on it’s back. Cesar is a cruiser weight at best but no chance that horse would’ve made it another full day of riding with Luca on it’s back. Herniated horse spine disks for sure. I mean it ran from the beaches of California into the cold north for Christ’s sake. Speaking of gorillas…
These two mother fuckers. Winter’s a back stabbing son of a bitch. How could you betray your own kind? I mean I get they’re threatened by war and shit but Gorillas are like the grand daddy when it comes to Primates right? Like Caesar is a good pick because he’s a simple chimpanzee. Guy’s a common folk and represents the common apes in the world but I mean if you want the biggest and baddest you go for a gorilla. These two mother fuckers just betray the crew to be the lackey. You’d figure a beast of that size wouldn’t take shit from no human. Such a travesty. Luca on the other hand. Give that guy a Purple Star. You know who else deserves some love?
Maurice. Guy is just so nice and sensible. Crazy that such a peaceful guy like that can get caught up in the middle of war. I know my allergies would flare up and he probably smells disgusting with his damp matted hair but I still want to give him a hug. Speaking of honoring primates who died in senseless violence.
RIP Harambe. Pay your respects by clicking the purchase button and wear the shirts in theaters while you see the Chernin Entertainment classic War of the Planet of the Apes if you’re against violence towards Apes. #RIPHarambe #ApeStrong
You thought Marvel and DC were the only ones coming with the heat in superhero movie universes? Wrong. Universal is throwing their hat in the ring with by far the weirdest super hero movie. 2019 we don’t just get the Infinity War sequel and what ever shitty DC movie, but we get Glass now as well. Now being completely honest, I only saw parts of Split so I don’t know if the movie is that good or anything but what i do know is when i got to the end when the dramatic ass music started playing I kept thinking to my self is this is sounding like its going to lead to something big, and then out of know where you just hear it…
David Motherfucking Dunn. Honestly it was just so shocking that out of no where we get a sequel to a movie that was mildly famous from the early 2000s. M. Night Shyamalan might not be anyone’s favorite movie director anymore or ever especially since after The Village, but his name still means something in Hollywood apparently. Guy is just synonymous with plot twist like Michael Bay is synonymous with giant summer blockbuster explosions on highways. So in a world that we live in now where every studio wants there to be spin off cinematic universe, Marvel’s MCU, The DC extended Universe, Star wars, Harry Potter, etc It would be kind of interesting to see how this movie Glass will go. I assume its somehow the worlds most frail villain teams up with James McAvoys character who is now The Horde who’s a manifestation of personalities and pure anger or some shit. And David Dunn will don his security officers uniform and signature rain poncho and take Ann Taylor Joy’s character from Split and team up. Wild. I think it’s more the vagueness and unfamiliarity that makes me want to watch it. I know what Superman and Iron Man are all about. But David Dunn is just an unbreakable super hero ready to get back into fighting crime.
Growing up as a 90’s kid you have to love the Jurassic Park series. Sure Jurassic World didn’t do much for me. It was so animated and was just one big ad inside of an ad inside of a movie. They really hit the name on the head back when the 1st one came out. Those dinosaurs looked real as fuck, and while i do like Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, Jurassic World was a very soft movie to me. You know what really killed me about? Those fucking kids. They suuuuccckkkked. So annoying. One kid crying about his mommy parents divorce, the other one being just a weird loser asshole. Make sure those kids don’t come back. Bring back in Professor Malcom. Definitely bring back in BD Wong, the mad scientist who concocted all these dinosaur assholes and now we’re cooking with gas. Wouldn’t mind a small cameo or mention to Sam Neills character as well. I’m all in. Summer 2018 is gonna be one hell of a summer block buster.
What an omen for the oncoming nightmare it is working with United Airlines. Airplanes in general have been taking L and L since one of them just vanished over open water. Ever since then planes have just never recovered. More go missing or get shot down with 0 survivors in sight. Now your dragging bodies out of the cargo hold, human or animal, and just waiting for lawyers to throw law suits at you. Terrible times, but this one kinda takes the cake no? Right in the middle of spring you kill of an animal that’s a symbol of fertility and life. And none the less a giant one. Like you didn’t kill a small symbol of life and comfort, you killed a world record symbol. Dark times ahead for United for sure now…..
…..Id still fly them if they’re cheap enough.
Fuck this police spokesperson for labeling this guy’s action as poor judgement. I mean it is, but you can’t say its not impressive and a total showing of love and devotion. What when you hear stories of a mom lifting the front end of a 1 ton car to save her child would you call that poor judgement? No, exactly. You’d just say it’s one of those examples of super human abilities that come over a person to save the thing they love. That’s what this guy showed. Probably ran from down the street and busted in there with out a beat. Also, feel like its a safe bet he only saved 2 coming out of the fire cause he drank the 3rd one in the house fire. Guy was probably sweating bullets when his kitchen is set ablaze but doesn’t matter cause he has a nice Bud Ice Premium to quench his thirst. Just an impressive feat that he’s getting unfairly arrested for. It’s his house, he should be able to run in there to save his loved ones. I mean if your a cop and a fire fighter, you should either put up a better fight or just marvel at his iron tough will to recover his beers. Just sit back and watch. There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.
No emotion what so ever. Another day, another bitch in the way of the tram that she has to just punch through with a giant public transportation vehicle. You think this was 1st time this happened for this woman? Might be the 1st one of that day maybe. Judging by her reaction, her career as a public tram driver would probably wow Michael Bay. Not a fuck given. What she gonna do stop the tram with a dozen people on it who need to get from point A to point B? Get your shit off the road or else shes gonna punch right through. And to be fair, i think she was trying to slow down the whole time. Not her fault that it takes a fuck ton to slow down the kinetic energy of a giant ass train. But her reaction afterwards. Just stop, take a pause, time out like its just another day thing as if she didn’t just murder the person in the car is incredible. Probably doesn’t even care if there was a baby in that thing. She’s already justified in her head that its the car drivers fault for getting plowed by her Tram.
For real Zika’s still a thing? You’d imagine that shit would be dead by now considering no one talks about it and PSA alerts about deformed baby skulls aren’t plastered anywhere anymore but what ever the case I’m okay with this. Gotta get on their level if you want to take em on face to face and what a dastardly way to do it too. It’s kinda like reverse fem-bots from Austin Powers. Instead of sexy robot ladies, we send in hot guy mosquitoes so that the chick mosquito thots get horny and forget about even feasting on human blood. Little do they know is their sperms loaded with shit that’ll kill them before they’re old enough to claim as an independent. Kinda like we’re sending a mosquito version of aids to wipe out other mosquitoes. Kinda fucked up. But what ever, that’s what we get for having intelligent brains, we get to mass genocide insects through sexually transmitted diseases that hopefully wont also eradicate the human race. Sometimes I think about shit like this and aliens and the movie Signs and who knows maybe we can send em a prank box of mosquitoes and next thing you know we can take down an alien ship because none of them fuck with Wolbachia bacteria.
(The way she spells her name and the look in her eyes just scream crazy sex to me)
Now I know the Ugly Orange is intended for readers 18 or older, but let this be a lesson to you youngsters out there strolling the internet. The world is constantly being flooded by teachers who desperately want to get into the pants of some high school kid whether it be the jock or the cool guy, maybe even a drama nerd or computer geek. There’s a possibility for any one because these teachers who F high school kids are crazy. There’s a very real possibility that theirs something wrong in their brain that just makes them super horny for the kids they teach. But just as that crazy bestowed in her has given you the chance to get your dick sucked by Ms. Wey, you gotta realize that its probably gonna drive her brain to make her go hike in the woods with your classmate and she will probably end up sucking his dick too. Its just how it works. Don’t brag about it to all the kids in class and definitely do not tell the authorities, and don’t get emotionally involved because it will ruin a good thing. She’s not something that’s meant to be kept for yourself. You gotta let the crazy hot ministry teacher run free like a mustang in the wild.