Have I been away for an extreme amount of time? Sure have. Does Game of Thrones Stink? Absolutely. Has the Corona Virus PANDEMIC given me more time to work on the blog that I’ve paid actual US currency to stay online? you bet. Lets cook.
Assuming we need at least one of each, lets begin with The Leader Category. Off the bat lets get rid of Johnathan Snow. Extremely over valued. Some might say he’s a club house guy. A real players coach type but I’ve also seen the club house actual murder him. Everyone on this list has lead men into battle, two of them have been backstabbed by their own men. Jon Snow and my next write off Daenerys Targaryen. This list doesn’t include dragons right? No asterisk saying she gets her 3 dragons. In that case she’s all talk no bite. Severely over rated. Get her out of here. That leaves 3 people. Cersei Lannister is good value at 3 all things considered. She last through out the 8 seasons, gets to the final 4. Only problem is through out the show she just cant stop thinking about fucking her brother. I don’t even see his name on the list. Now if we got an extra 2 bucks and had intangibles character like Jamie Lannister, Hot Pie, etc, I’d probably package the the Lannister children together like the McCourty twins but with out Alex Adams, Cersei Lannister aint my pick (you’re a sick fuck if you get that reference). That leaves Stannis Baratheon and High Sparrow. I really want Stannis Baratheon. Great name. Great Leader. Dies an honorable death in war to Brienne of Tarth, very progressive of him. However whats not progressive is him letting Melissandra burn is daughter in an effigy pyre so it can get a touch warmer. Guy falls for the black magic too easy. If I rode with him I’m confident i can build a team around him. He’s like the Cubs that won with Aroldis Chapman, I don’t want to have to bring up that he once fired 8 bullets directed towards his wife, I don’t want my leader to be okay with burning his daughter alive. That leaves me with High Sparrow. Dude got a mob cooking with no shoes on. Now imagine if he actually had shoes. Was arguably the biggest thorn in Cersei side and became the devil on her son’s shoulders. If we’re only spending a $1 for someone that can cook like that we’re on a good start.
THE PICK: HIGH SPARROW $1
There are only 2 options on this list, Maaaaybe 3 depending on the situation. But you gotta immediately knock off Bran and Samwell Tarly. I don’t even know where the creator of this list comes off having Samwell in the magic section. Does exactly 1 sex and ends up getting a girl pregnant. Nothing magical about that. Bran, well no matter how great his magic is you wont be able to decipher it because he either talks in obscure phrases or nothing at all. Useless. The long stretch miiiiiigggghhht be Melisandre. She has exactly 1 good play in her play book. If you decide to run the “have evil magic sex with her to spawn a demon shadow assassin” its gonna have to be on one man and one man only. This is a battle we’re talking about and Im not having my men on the front line with the red witch on her behind 100 men. Legs spread wide open pussy out trying to give birth to one shadow. And even if she has one good trick play, I’ll never trust a woman who wears a choker 24/7. She’s off. That leaves Maester Qyburn and Jaqen H’ghar. Both solid picks. Depending on the spending in other categories you can go a few ways with it. Both very loyal. Maester Qyburn If i need to revive an army with dead people? That can be strong but I’m not trying to go 7 games you understand? Im trying to win it in 4 or 5 tops. All of this is just rambling because the go to has to be Jaqen H’ghar. You’re wasting time if its anything but him. How loyal is the guy? He was ready to off himself because a 10 year old little girl asked him to because he made a pinky promise. Other than that you got a guy who set out to kill precisely 3 people and does it in the blinky of an eye. Its the faceless man from Braavos. Valar Dohaeris.
THE PICK: JAQEN H’GHAR $3
Now we’re really getting into it. I can see many ways to go about this. Most options in play here. First off the list is Tyrion Lannister. Yes I know, very rude to kill off the little person. Im playing GM here Tyrion might be able to pay Lannisters debts but with whoms moneys? Certainly not with my moneys. If he can’t bribe em with cash he aint really got much. He’s off. Robb Stark? strong showing in college. Wish i could’ve seen more of him to make a pick but alas, he was violently stabbed to death at his wedding ceremony. Littlefinger, he a little too much like Tyrion talking his way outta things. Half way through this however, Im reading the stipulations and it just says this is a squad. Squad for chilling or squad to the easiest path for me to sit on the Iron Throne? Im gonna assume its the later. If its the former then buddy Im chilling in King’s Landing’s most reputable whore house and that happens to be Baelish’s Saloon. But we’ll proceed. This leaves somehow two opposite ends on the scale, both equally great value somehow. Tywin really held the show together and was the master strategist behind the first few seasons. If you wanted to go big spending I think this is where you gotta go, however there is still an option on the table. Im going Olenna Tyrell, shes a sneaky son of a gun but at the height of the show she was the one to put an end to Joffrey and is willing to die on her own terms and making people feel bad all the while. Ill ride with that pick.
THE PICK: OLENNA TYRELL $1
Alright this one im bundling together cause we’ve been fiscally conservative and its time to cement the win in Westeros. In the end wars are won by men (and women) and these muscles and fighters are how i will get it done. Now if my math serves me correct I’ve only spent 1/3 of my budget. Well now we cook. No where on this list does it say i can only pick one in each group so im dubbling up. Fighters im taking Arya Stark and Ser Bronn of the Blackwater. Part of me wants to cut back and just take Brienne to save a buck but on the off chance we’re dealing with White Walkers, i need someone small and mousey, unsuspecting to sneak up which is why i kept Arya(for now). Other than that I picked Bronn. Guy lives. Nuff said right? Not to mention he becomes Lord of Highgarden and the Master of Coin. Oberyn got his head very much smashed in and Daario? He’d absolutely fuck my girl.
THE PICK: ARYA STARK $3 & BRONN $1
Onto the muscle. Whats left 9 bucks? This is the big ticket item I need. I’d like to purchase a Wun Wun, please. No need to wrap it up or put it in a bag. Im wearing that thang out the store. Yeeaaaaaa boy. Im on his shoulders with a megaphone politely telling the next village over that im hear to pillage and plunder. Their men are staring down my army led by an old lady and bum with no shoes. I need something to strike fear the the hearts of men and nothing does that better than a Giant. Their craning their necks up, jaws dropped to the floor staring at my Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. That leaves me with exactly 1 buck and with that I’ll go Wun Wun’s friend Tormund Giantsbane. Talk about team chemistry. I got friends in the mix with Wun wun and Tormund, Arya got her Master Jaqen Hghar. And I got their 2 grand parents as well. That gives me 15 bucks spent exactly. People are probably eager to go The Hound and Mountain. But frankly The Hound is scared to death of fire. And The mountain? well he’s gross smelling probably cause he’s dead. Khal Drogo? You’re gonna give me a guy that didnt make it to season 2 for 3 bucks? Known rapist, comatose vegetable who dies from a cut? Naahhhh im good.
THE PICK: WUN WUN $5 & TORMUND GIANTSBANE $1
There you have it all 15 spent but heres one more stipulation. If there are no Wight Walkers. Im packaging Arya stark and Wun Wun in a trade for Beric Dondarrion and Lyanna Mormont. You talk about fighters. Anything Arya can do im sure Lyanna Mormont can do, minus the whole steal your face thing, but I already got Jaqen for that. If we’re not dealing with the Night King, Im comfortable trading her away for a similar player except Lyanna Mormont is like Arya Stark and Sansa combined. She governed her people and fought in combat with the best of them even going as far as taking out a Giant. Thats no easy feat. which brings me to my next trade. Wun Wun, Big man but very vulnerable it appears. Im trading him half way through because you know he can’t produce at the same level throughout the regular season and into the playoffs. Big men get tired easily and he’s pretty much a wide open target. Plus idk how much the guy eats. I cant keep feeding that machine so half way through im trading him for Beric Dondarrion. You want to talk about durability? Guy’s died THREE times and still comes back ready to go. Coolest name in the show, has a sword that he can set ablaze and can heal himself (if the lords of light allow for it, that is.) Thats my 2020 GoT season. Im sitting on the Iron Throne using Bran’s legs as my leg rest and i become the king of Westeros.
- HIGH SPARROW
- JAQEN H’GHAR
- OLENNA TYRELL
- ARYA STARK*
- WUN WUN*
- TORMUND GIANTSBANE
- LYANNA MORMONT
- BERIC DONDARRION
- *-MIdseason trade for Lyanna Mormont & Beric Dondarrion