Monthly Archives: May 2017

Screen Rants: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword *** Spoilers***

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After the murder of his father, young Arthur’s power-hungry uncle Vortigern seizes control of the crown. Robbed of his birthright, he grows up the hard way in the back alleys of the city, not knowing who he truly is. When fate leads him to pull the Excalibur sword from stone, Arthur embraces his true destiny to become a legendary fighter and leader.

Before we start off with what I think of the movie, I’m gonna get into a little discussion here because it deals with all the promo stuff. Why they fuck is “King Arthur” in “king arthur” not capitalized? All of the promo photos I see online have it all lower case. They did that intentionally and I want to know why. Its the name King Arthur, that shit demands capitalization.

Anywho, the movie in my opinion is what everyone else is saying. Its all style no substance. When I think of King Arthur, you normally would think of Knights of the Round Table, Lancelot, Merlin, and Excalibur. Don’t get me wrong, they mention all those things, minus Lancelot. But it’s just that, minor mentions. The mention of the Knights of the Round Table at the end leads me to think they’re going for a sequel, there’s no mention of Lancelot, Merlin is said maybe two times in the movie and never really scene, and Excalibur, for a sword that’s suppose to dominate everything, it really doesn’t get much mention itself. Just that it’s a powerful sword and then 2 hours of Jax Teller over coming some internal struggle that doesn’t really involve the sword at all but some how makes it so that he can truly wield it. Just a bad movie adaptation.

It’s not terrible and maybe people just aren’t interested in generic a mid-evil Game of Thrones knock off movie. If they focused the story more on certain things maybe it would be better. Merlin and his relationship to Arthur’s family, The weird Ursula bitch that gives Vortigern his powers, their powers itself, the mythology of the sword etc. I don’t know how because I’m not a film maker but I think there was just a better movie to be made from this. It’s just that it seems to be a big mess that is really only good for mindless action and even at that, there’s really not much action. One fight/chase scene thats kinda cool. Has the signature snorricam effect that Guy Ritchie uses. Towards the end it gets pretty CGI which looks cool to a degree but id rather see more grittier practical action.  I wouldn’t pay Saturday night ticket prices to see this. Maybe a matinee if you want to skip work or are bored as shit for 2 hours and already burned through everything good on Netflix. Total Ugly Orange Score- 6.1. Jax Teller isn’t Arthur. This Movie stinks.

SPOILER FILLED DISCUSSIONS

Guinevere The Mage

Would you have sex with her? I mean she was like the only chick in the movie besides, Arthur’s Family who gets fucked in the 1st 5 minutes and then his fake family that gets fucked in the 1st 10 minutes of the movie. The question has to be asked. It got kind of annoying this whole sub-side plot that Arthur wanted to get in bed with her. Like 5 lines of flirting but spread out enough that It makes you wonder if they’re gonna bang. Ultimately I wouldn’t. You can’t fuck with a magical girl if you yourself don’t have the magic to throw shit back at her encase she fucks with you. That’s just a rule I have. But also, this girl is kind of a bitch. Their whole plot to kill the king right? They go through this elaborate scheme where they try to assassinate him when this whole time this bitch could just summon a MASSIVE snake to eat the shit out of the entire army.  Why not lead with that?

The Gross Sea Witch LadyNow I’ll be honest, I had no idea what the deal was with Jude Law killing his wife. Why? Because It was a mess of a movie. No Idea he was sacrificing bitches he loved to some Ursula looking lady. I don’t even think she comes up until she tells Jude Law about the sword and it’s true owner but at that point she says “you know what you have to do if you want more power.” I thought that meant he had to give her the D. Appalling. Fucking that gross slimy bitch to get more power. Yea later on you find out that what he has to do is actually sacrifice his daughter but I don’t want to play that hypothetical. Right now 2017 is some gross Ursula lady plopped outta no where hanging out in your shower and she says she can give you magical powers if you fucked her would u do it? Even more maybe she wont even leave your shower unless you bang her would u do it? You definitely wont enjoy it but like if she had a hypothetically normal pussy area, i think you have to do it. Nothing more humbling than having sex with an ugly gross thing. The upside though is you can use her as a real gross slump buster and after job gets finished you can turn into a Demon Knight for fun. That can be a useful skill whether medieval times or modern times. Yea your friends will make fun of you for fucking a hog with tentacles, but you can always become a fire demon and tell them to cut the shit, it was only for the powers and they’ll get it.

Oh I’d probably fuck her too to get her out of my shower. Gotta also do it for the story.

Arthur Was A Snitch

Yo how about Arthur, I guess someone who’s suppose to be of the people, snitching on Goosefat Bill. Yea I get he probably just didn’t want any trouble with the King and his Court but guy just up and snitches on the guy. That’s how you make enemies in life. Sure Arthur becomes king and all and they all seem happy and cool as a cucumber, but once he makes bad moves and relegates Goosefat to some lame managerial position, he’s gonna want to come after Arthur when he’s not looking. Don’t be a snitch, Arthur. They get stitches.

Excalibur!

The scene where Arthur is suppose to pull the sword from the stone should be some grand moment. Like you figure it would be some huge character arch or some really inciting moment in the story. Nope. Arthur wanted to get back to the hooker den he manages so he decides to give it a shot and unbeknown to him, he yanks it out. That happens in the 1st half hour of the movie. I can’t imagine being a film maker and having my colleagues talking behind my back about how you take one of the most iconic pieces of weaponry in history dating back an entire millennium and make it’s reveal one of the most boring scene in the entire movie. Also not to mention. Kinda weird for Arthur to pull the sword from his dad’s spine right? Obviously he doesn’t know that at the time but once things are all settle in England and the village is thriving, at one point at night he’s probably gonna realize technically the sword was stuck in his dad’s fossilized body.

Charlie Hunnam

Charlie Hunnam is a hot looking dude. No one’s debating that. But this dude just doesn’t look like a King Arthur. I think it’s the hair color and the way he speaks. Guy is just too slick of a dude. First off, he’s the only one in the town with a hot hair cut. Everyone else is getting their hair chopped off with the meat cleaver they use to butcher swine while this guy is getting his side’s buzzed and hair slicked back with pomade. Don’t get me wrong, if i were a king I’d definitely be hot as shit but the point is Arthur is suppose to be from humble beginnings (I think). This guy was like a local hot shot swindling and beating people up for money while looking like an adonis. That’s not the rags to riches king look. Maybe if he had brown hair and didn’t look like he could afford work out supplements in the 10th century then I would say he fits the role but right now the Slick back hot haircut and chiseled body in leather pants look just doesn’t seem like an Arthur look. Maybe also because Arthur is a really lame name.

The Graffiti

I don’t know what was up with the graffiti in the movie. It feels like they were making it a pretty symbolic and culturally interesting thing that the kids do. They were just weird dumb symbols. See another thing they could’ve scrapped to attempt to make this a solid movie but nope. just have kids draw dicks on the wall with paint and mention it having something to do with Arthur and his town.

Unsolved Mystery: What Was The Bad Experience That Lead To A 71 Year Old Man To Leave Copious Amount Of Dildo’s At A Louisiana Books-A-Million

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The Smoking Gun- Following a “bad experience” at a Books-A-Million outlet near his Louisiana home, the 71-year-old Lentz decided to retaliate in a unique way.
No, the septuagenarian did not stage a boycott or write a strongly worded letter to the local newspaper.
Instead, Lentz visited the Monroe business and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s Religion section. Lentz copped to his bizarre actions during a police interview Sunday morning “about leaving sex toys (Dildos)” at the chain store (seen below).
Lentz, pictured above, told cops he “had extra items, so he used them for that purpose.” Books-A-Million workers told police that there had been “several incidents involving Lentz leaving the items in the Religious section of the store.”
Store surveillance video recorded Lentz in the act and the retiree “confirmed that was him on the video leaving the Dildos,” cops noted. A probable cause affidavit does not detail Lentz’s “bad experience” at the bookstore.
Lentz, charged with criminal mischief and criminal trespassing, is free on $700 bond.

Such a mystery this story is. Worst part about a grudge is when the other side has no idea what the grudge is about or that it’s even going on but all you know is you have to control the situation and clean up all the dildos left behind in the wake of a grudge. The broad vagueness of “bed experience” is just so intriguing. At a Louisiana Books-a-million no less. What can possibly happen at dying large chain bookstore to have someone maliciously cause criminal mischief by leaving behind dildos all over the religious section of the store? Did a christian nut bump into him and it rubbed him the long way? Did they not have the book he wanted and as an act of revenge he just leads a blitzkrieg of dildos right in their eyeballs? And then there’s the fact that he said Dildos were his weapon of choice because he had so many extra dildos laying around. It’s absurd.

One Of The Softest, Perfectly Timed, Motorcycle Accident Is Also One Of The Most Combustible I’ve Ever Scene

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https://twitter.com/Breaking911/status/862384210878885888

 

Lets break it down.

1.) That might be one of the slowest motorcycle accidents I’ve ever seen. Cruising slowly into an intersection at speeds that I’m pretty sure could be stopped if a 200 lb man in front was blocking. We’re not talking about pulling a Tom Cruise tuck n roll out of a moving vehicle scenario here. Guy coulda just hopped off the back casually and would’ve been fine. Not to mention the bus wasn’t exactly flying into the turn either. It was slowly cruising 1st gear clearing that turn as cautious as possible.

2.) The placement of the crash was so spot on. Nailing right in the cut between the cargo area and the actual truck body. Something out of an action movie. You can’t choreograph it any better with the dudes head bobbing right in the middle of the garbage truck.

3.) That shit got volatile quiiiccckkk. no smoke, just fire. A fire that erupted outta no where with absolutely no explosion what so ever. With out the fire this is your run of the mill Foreign country traffic accident video. With the fire, it’s just awesome.

 

Skittle’s Coming In Hot With An Absolutely Bizarre Mother’s Day Commercial

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NYDN- The commercialization of Mother’s Day by candy and card companies means now is the time for sweet or sickeningly sweet ads dedicated to our moms.
Skittles went with just sickening.
In the ad, a grown son (wearing too small clothes) identifies the flavor skittle his mother eats — because they are still attached by a pastel umbilical cord.This is not a way we wish we could taste the rainbow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUJKimy7Bd8

 

First things first, when I saw the thumb nail I thought that was this dudes cock. Yea It was gonna get realllllyyyyyyyyy weird where I thought this commercial was going*. Not its just really weird.

But what kind of sick fuck at Skittle’s ad agency came up with this idea? Here’s how you make a commercial that will be successful

1.) Don’t have ugly weird people. Stick to hot people.

Mac’s mom from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and a moon faced bearded hippie that looks like a cousin of the McPoyles or a Schrute, again, not a good pick.

2.) Don’t have anything gross.

You know how the age old adage about husbands passing out in the delivery room? Some of it has to do with the overwhelming thought about your life situation, sure. The other is that your baby is covered in blood coming out of your girls vagina with a gross alien chord attached inside. Commercials shouldn’t have anything focusing on something coming from your genital balls region unless you’re trying to sling sex toys. I get it’s a Mother’s Day thing where that happens when you’re a mom but you just can’t go there.

I mean what really was the thought process here? What were some of the other ideas that were passed around? Was the human centipede skittle idea next on the board? And scientifically that wouldn’t even work. Taste receptors are in the tongue, not in the stomach where the umbilical chord is, you idiots! F minus Mother’s Day commercial

 

*- I thought it was gonna be like the mom blows him with skittles in her mouth and through his dick he can taste the flavor. Very weird. I don’t want to talk about this. There’s a lot of porn like this on Porhhub and Youjizz these days.

“Moonlight” Winning Best Kiss Scene Is The Right Pick, But If We’re Being Honest, It’s More Of A HandJob Scene

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTJMqPOgzjM

Quite the year for Moonlight. I want to be serious by first stating that Moonlight was in fact a good movie. I get it, it’s suppose to be some artsy fartsy movie for “high-brow” culture. Well let me tell you, there’s nothing High Brow about me watching that movie in sweat pants on a Wednesday morning because I live like I’m unemployed. Moonlight although it wasn’t my favorite movie this year, was really good. There was a level of anxiety and curiosity that at least kept me going. I don’t know maybe its like a very gritty version of Degrassi If it focused on one person. One gay African American person in one of the roughest neighborhoods. It’s definitely worth a watch and delivers all the right messages about the stigmas of being a gay black person in America.

But if we’re being honest with our selves, that was not a Kiss Scene, It was a Hand Job scene. Like not an Over-The-Pants-Handjob scene. An aggressive, I’m gonna get in there and stroke his dick until completion Hand job scene. Yea I know it all started with a kiss. A very well delivered kiss between 2 guys, but in conversation at parties when you and someone share a conversation about Moonlight and you ask them about the scene, the conversation will go like this.

You: Hey what did you think about the scene?

Them: What scene?

You: You know, the kiss scene?

Them: Oh you mean the hand job on the beach scene.

You can’t defer to that scene and not think of it as a scene highlighted by a hand job, not some kiss. And for the sake of Chiron, you shouldn’t either. More happened on that night that brought him pure bliss. Guy was randomly called up and his first at bat after being confused about his sexuality hits a double. Shouldn’t reduce moments like that to just a best kiss. I get for the sake of culture you gotta have Moonlight winning that very prestigious MTV Movie & TV award and It honestly was the best Kiss Scene out of the group. But lets be clear about it and understand that if this were some alternate Zoolander award show where they have Slashies, it would be Best Handjob/Kiss scene and not the other way around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfYwzgDe-VQ

 

Screen Rants: The Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 ***SPOILERS***

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Peter Quill and his fellow Guardians are hired by a powerful alien race, the Sovereign, to protect their precious batteries from invaders. When it is discovered that Rocket has stolen the items they were sent to guard, the Sovereign dispatch their armada to search for vengeance. As the Guardians try to escape, the mystery of Peter’s parentage is revealed.

Well folks, between the abhorrently hot and humid weather, baseball on TV, and Hollywood printing money from action movies, it’s safe to say we’ve officially entered Summer blockbuster season. No better way to usher in the season with one of the hottest film franchise from one of the hottest studios, with Marvel Studio’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. I took the time out of my very busy schedule to watch it just so I could write this up at 1:16 am just in case any one out there is too dumb to realize a billion dollar film franchise is playing in theaters currently and they do in fact want your money.

GotG Vol. 2, like most other Marvel movies live up to the hype. It’s crazy the universe they’ve built where we’ve accepted and happily welcomed in a movie that features a talking racoon, a tree limited to 3 words, and people of races of so many colors you’d think racism in America was dead decades ago. Well what the first GotG movie did that I think people like about it was two things, it opened the doors and brought in higher concepts to the MCU with the cosmic world. We all know by now that this is all setting the stage for probably one of the largest blockbuster movie’s ever in The Avengers: Infinity Wars. They explored the idea of galaxy’s and other worlds, celestial beings, and learned more about the infinity stones and the creation of the universe for god’s sake. All very crucial to adapting how the rest of the MCU will fit in place when Infinity Wars come about. Well Vol.2 gave us a bit more of that by introducing a character like Ego the Living Planet. The idea and sense of power a Celestial being has and how it deals with the rest of the universe is pretty big consider we are going to eventually some how gonna see guy’s like Captain America and fucking Hawk-Eye some how deal with fighting a construct like that, but half the battle is established by translating a character like that on screen. I was pretty skeptical about how it was all going to work when the character is just a planet with a face on it in the comic books.

But Kurt Russel and James Gunn did a good job portraying that on screen actually translating him to a human form and how he’s connected with the planet and all that nonsense.

What Vol. 2 doubled down on, unfortunately though, was the humor of it all. The first one was the right amount of humor. This one kind of all comes across too jokey and kinda brings it down for me. Don’t get me wrong, the parts that are funny are funny but it’s just too much in the movie. The first one had just the right amount of humor from a guy like Drax. He didn’t say overly much in the first one so every time he had a nice subtle joke, he killed it. This one, all of his dialogue were written to be funny and kinda over does it for me. Every scene had to have some sort of joke to it, it feels like and it’s not a bad choice, but I would personally like it more if it scaled back and gave me some more world building dialogue that didn’t include a punch line.

Overall the movie was a solid 8 where most Marvel movies fall. Some people argue that the Villains in Marvel movies stink and to some degree it’s true, but a villain like Ego surely was better than Ronin with his motives and over all character. Ayesha, the gold lady,  was a bit of a water ever side plot villain but it definitely helped drive the plot. The plot itself isn’t very overly complicated but the movie is mostly character driven with characters like Ego, Starlord, Nebula, and definitely Yondu who kinda steals the show in Vol. 2. If you’re not savvy to all of what’s going on with Marvel movies you might not get what’s going on and it might be confusing to keep up, but even if you’re casually watching you should find it a fun watch with the humor and action. Not as good as the first one because its so hard to recreate the discovery and introduction to it all, but now immersed in this world, they do a good job trying to not fuck it up and showing a story that really stands alone that helps build the cosmic world for future films.

Now onto some discussion.

 

Ego’s CGI Transformations

From the second they stepped into Ego’s temple, I got the feeling the CGI was weird. Not the building or anything, but when he has those spheres that kinda display what ever he wants from the creation of him and the models of humans and stuff. It was all weird looking CGI. I mean they were just suppose to be projections so I didn’t think much of it. Just assumed they were clay-mation like projections that he can mold to show what ever. But I was appalled when I saw the CGI work they did when Ego and Peter fight. Hail of gun fire reigns on Ego to no avail only to show CGI of him rebuilding himself in a mixture of Dr. Manhattan in The Watchmen at first to then looking like early 2000’s CGI of Hollow man or even kind of like Ghost Rider quality CGI. Maybe it was just me but at the time, it looked kinda bad to me.

 

Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel

Do you think these 2 ever feel left out? I mean as an Actor I assume you want your face everywhere for publicity sake right? Yet almost all these P.R. photos Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel don’t show up ever at all

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I mean Bradley Cooper is an A list star and Vin Diesel is a crucial character in 2 Major billion dollar film franchises. I mean sometimes I even forget those 2 are in this movie. Especially in this one, baby Groot, no chance they dragged Vin Diesels muscular ass into the studios for this. They probably audio photo chopped his previous recordings so it sounds like its coming from a tiny tree guy. I mean If you’re getting paid what they’re getting paid, it’s hard to complain. Especially Vin Diesel who has 3 words total he has to say. but still, you gotta figure they’re kinda jealous they miss out on a lot of the spot light.

 

Starfox

I’m not savvy to all the modern day video games because I suck and don’t have the patience to play, but yo how dope was Star fox back in the day. Tell me you didn’t get a hint of that when you saw Rocket Racoon and Peter Quill navigating through an asteroid field with hundreds of the Sovereign fighter space ships on their tail gunning them down until they double spin through little honey comb like portals. They need to remake that for whatever systems they have now. Dopest dope.

 

Cheddar Bob

Shout out to Evan Jones for being apart of the Ravagers. Guy has one of those faces that is so recognizable I think. I mean I noticed him right away. With a stand out face like that you’d think he’d have more roles in Hollywood but then again maybe its because his face looks like that of a bum which is what he was in 8 mile and the Ravagers aren’t exactly deep characters either. He also looks like Jimmy Clausen. Bad look on his part.

Post Credit Scenes

FIVE post credit scenes. FIVE. 1,2,3,4,FiF. Honestly I’m getting a little sick and tired of these. GotG Vol.2 has them spaced out so it doesn’t seem to make the credits that long but either way, fuck that. Give me 1 post credit scene. 2 max. Either way, I’m not acknowledging any of these people who worked on the film. I bet if you’re a movie usher or one of those people who have to clean up you must hate the shit out of the post credit scenes because now everyone sits there an extra five minutes, which is five minutes until you can finish cleaning, which is five minutes more taken out of your life that inevitably makes you want to kill your self. And speaking of how it sucks doing that job….

 

Midnight Showings

How about the balls on my local theater showing the movie on a 24 hour schedule. At fist I thought it only ran to 3 am which is crazy in its own right, but when I went to go double check, this shit is playing for 24 hours straight. I can’t imagine waking up at 7 am on a Friday, drive to the movie’s and be awake and pay attention for 2 hours about a celestial being taking over the universe. Working a movie theater job sucks, but normally you deal with normal working hours. Having to work the 4 am shift in case insomniacs or a strippers just getting off work decides to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is absurd.

Family- **Vin Diesel Voice**

Not gonna lie, kind of weird having the words spoken by a character not Vin Diesel when Vin Diesel’s in the movie. Its so ingrained in my brain that when Drax said it, it just didn’t feel right anymore.

P.s- Vin Diesel’s real name is Mark Sinclair. <—- This fact will eventually get scrubbed from the internet because I cant picture him not being called Vin Diesel/ Dominick Torreto

Microsoft’s Zune

What a relic from the past. I honestly don’t know why this didn’t take off. At the time the competition between Zune and iPod still resided to only a music listening device I think? ipods did have the brick breaker game and that alone might’ve been enough to out the competition because that game is fire. Either way, good to see it make a cameo in GotG 2. Great reminder of how much of a joke that was and how Apple pretty much rules the world now.

Brain Tumor

Seems very fitting all things considered when Peter Quill and the gang put a bomb essentially inside Ego’s Brain.

Kid Gets Caught Red Handed Fingering A Chick. **Kinda NSFW**

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LINK TO VIDEO OF KID LOOKING LIKE A MURDER SUSPECT HERE

 

I warned you guys in the headline that this was gonna be NSFW so its gonna get gross.

My god man. I know when you’re a young gun you just get buck wild and do anything at that age. You have no idea whats going on, what you’re feeling. But my god man, it looks like you killed Nicole Brown. I mean its not even that he should be embarrassed that much, cause all that shits on the girl, but did you really have to put your entire hand in there? This is gross and i really don’t want to talk about it anymore but my god was that a lot of blood.

P.s- Whats the deal with this kid kind of wearing a suit but also has giant holes in his knee area? How does this kid get a girl looking like that.

P.s.s- He’s drunk

P.s.s.s- These kids might be underage. I didn’t show anything. don’t sue me plz.

Is “Asians Love Looking At/Buying Luggage” An Unknown Stereotype Or Just Something I Fabricated In My Head.

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Do you ever have something that you think up of that is mildly funny and you keep it to yourself and say “One day if I ever do stand up maybe I’ll use that as a bit.” That’s kind of a thing that I have going on now. See growing up I would travel a lot back and forth from New York because all of our family is from NYC. So every holiday, and every summer it was time to back my bags and fly north. It would always be infuriating because we had like 10 different suitcases that all sucked. Yet almost every weekend when my mom would go shopping at the mall we would almost always go into some sort of luggage shop and occasionally would buy one. There were ton of other Asians doing the same, and when my aunts came to town, they would always buy a new piece of luggage to take back up. Weird concept considering they flew down with the right amount of luggage but added another one to return home. From then on I kinda filed away an Asian stereotype joke about our addiction to buying luggage.

Fast forward to last year my buddy had a friend from china in town that he went to school with. We had nothing to do so we wandered the mall again. A billion stores that offer a wide selection of things you can throw money at but the store we spend the most time at is the Discount Luggage Outlet. I casually drop it to my friend that I think its a sneaky unknown stereotypes about Asians getting hard over a good quality piece of luggage. Half way through our time there joking about the Asian stereotypes I found my self actually liking and wanting a new suitcase for some reason. Just how smooth it was to pull out the roller handles, the accessibility of all the pockets, the make quality, how smooth the wheels are. It was all feeding into the joke perfectly but once we left, didn’t think much of it. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Buddy and I have been talking about going to Vegas. Next thing you know out of no where I just get impulsive and black out for 4 hours and next thing you know I get a notification from Amazon saying I successfully completed my order for my new duffle bag. At that moment I gave in. In some weird way, Asians really have some weird fascination with luggage. Black people are tall and athletic as fuck and can dance. White people are Ben Affleck. Latins are late to things. Asians love looking at luggage. Next time you walk around a touristy mall count the number of Asians in a Discount luggage store. Maybe if you have the yellow fever, that’s the spot to approach them. I’m dead set on this stereotype about my people and I need the world to know this is a thing.