Tag Archives: King Arthur

Screen Rants: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword *** Spoilers***

After the murder of his father, young Arthur’s power-hungry uncle Vortigern seizes control of the crown. Robbed of his birthright, he grows up the hard way in the back alleys of the city, not knowing who he truly is. When fate leads him to pull the Excalibur sword from stone, Arthur embraces his true destiny to become a legendary fighter and leader.

Before we start off with what I think of the movie, I’m gonna get into a little discussion here because it deals with all the promo stuff. Why they fuck is “King Arthur” in “king arthur” not capitalized? All of the promo photos I see online have it all lower case. They did that intentionally and I want to know why. Its the name King Arthur, that shit demands capitalization.

Anywho, the movie in my opinion is what everyone else is saying. Its all style no substance. When I think of King Arthur, you normally would think of Knights of the Round Table, Lancelot, Merlin, and Excalibur. Don’t get me wrong, they mention all those things, minus Lancelot. But it’s just that, minor mentions. The mention of the Knights of the Round Table at the end leads me to think they’re going for a sequel, there’s no mention of Lancelot, Merlin is said maybe two times in the movie and never really scene, and Excalibur, for a sword that’s suppose to dominate everything, it really doesn’t get much mention itself. Just that it’s a powerful sword and then 2 hours of Jax Teller over coming some internal struggle that doesn’t really involve the sword at all but some how makes it so that he can truly wield it. Just a bad movie adaptation.

It’s not terrible and maybe people just aren’t interested in generic a mid-evil Game of Thrones knock off movie. If they focused the story more on certain things maybe it would be better. Merlin and his relationship to Arthur’s family, The weird Ursula bitch that gives Vortigern his powers, their powers itself, the mythology of the sword etc. I don’t know how because I’m not a film maker but I think there was just a better movie to be made from this. It’s just that it seems to be a big mess that is really only good for mindless action and even at that, there’s really not much action. One fight/chase scene thats kinda cool. Has the signature snorricam effect that Guy Ritchie uses. Towards the end it gets pretty CGI which looks cool to a degree but id rather see more grittier practical action.  I wouldn’t pay Saturday night ticket prices to see this. Maybe a matinee if you want to skip work or are bored as shit for 2 hours and already burned through everything good on Netflix. Total Ugly Orange Score- 6.1. Jax Teller isn’t Arthur. This Movie stinks.

SPOILER FILLED DISCUSSIONS

Guinevere The Mage

Would you have sex with her? I mean she was like the only chick in the movie besides, Arthur’s Family who gets fucked in the 1st 5 minutes and then his fake family that gets fucked in the 1st 10 minutes of the movie. The question has to be asked. It got kind of annoying this whole sub-side plot that Arthur wanted to get in bed with her. Like 5 lines of flirting but spread out enough that It makes you wonder if they’re gonna bang. Ultimately I wouldn’t. You can’t fuck with a magical girl if you yourself don’t have the magic to throw shit back at her encase she fucks with you. That’s just a rule I have. But also, this girl is kind of a bitch. Their whole plot to kill the king right? They go through this elaborate scheme where they try to assassinate him when this whole time this bitch could just summon a MASSIVE snake to eat the shit out of the entire army.  Why not lead with that?

The Gross Sea Witch LadyNow I’ll be honest, I had no idea what the deal was with Jude Law killing his wife. Why? Because It was a mess of a movie. No Idea he was sacrificing bitches he loved to some Ursula looking lady. I don’t even think she comes up until she tells Jude Law about the sword and it’s true owner but at that point she says “you know what you have to do if you want more power.” I thought that meant he had to give her the D. Appalling. Fucking that gross slimy bitch to get more power. Yea later on you find out that what he has to do is actually sacrifice his daughter but I don’t want to play that hypothetical. Right now 2017 is some gross Ursula lady plopped outta no where hanging out in your shower and she says she can give you magical powers if you fucked her would u do it? Even more maybe she wont even leave your shower unless you bang her would u do it? You definitely wont enjoy it but like if she had a hypothetically normal pussy area, i think you have to do it. Nothing more humbling than having sex with an ugly gross thing. The upside though is you can use her as a real gross slump buster and after job gets finished you can turn into a Demon Knight for fun. That can be a useful skill whether medieval times or modern times. Yea your friends will make fun of you for fucking a hog with tentacles, but you can always become a fire demon and tell them to cut the shit, it was only for the powers and they’ll get it.

Oh I’d probably fuck her too to get her out of my shower. Gotta also do it for the story.

Arthur Was A Snitch

Yo how about Arthur, I guess someone who’s suppose to be of the people, snitching on Goosefat Bill. Yea I get he probably just didn’t want any trouble with the King and his Court but guy just up and snitches on the guy. That’s how you make enemies in life. Sure Arthur becomes king and all and they all seem happy and cool as a cucumber, but once he makes bad moves and relegates Goosefat to some lame managerial position, he’s gonna want to come after Arthur when he’s not looking. Don’t be a snitch, Arthur. They get stitches.

Excalibur!

The scene where Arthur is suppose to pull the sword from the stone should be some grand moment. Like you figure it would be some huge character arch or some really inciting moment in the story. Nope. Arthur wanted to get back to the hooker den he manages so he decides to give it a shot and unbeknown to him, he yanks it out. That happens in the 1st half hour of the movie. I can’t imagine being a film maker and having my colleagues talking behind my back about how you take one of the most iconic pieces of weaponry in history dating back an entire millennium and make it’s reveal one of the most boring scene in the entire movie. Also not to mention. Kinda weird for Arthur to pull the sword from his dad’s spine right? Obviously he doesn’t know that at the time but once things are all settle in England and the village is thriving, at one point at night he’s probably gonna realize technically the sword was stuck in his dad’s fossilized body.

Charlie Hunnam

Charlie Hunnam is a hot looking dude. No one’s debating that. But this dude just doesn’t look like a King Arthur. I think it’s the hair color and the way he speaks. Guy is just too slick of a dude. First off, he’s the only one in the town with a hot hair cut. Everyone else is getting their hair chopped off with the meat cleaver they use to butcher swine while this guy is getting his side’s buzzed and hair slicked back with pomade. Don’t get me wrong, if i were a king I’d definitely be hot as shit but the point is Arthur is suppose to be from humble beginnings (I think). This guy was like a local hot shot swindling and beating people up for money while looking like an adonis. That’s not the rags to riches king look. Maybe if he had brown hair and didn’t look like he could afford work out supplements in the 10th century then I would say he fits the role but right now the Slick back hot haircut and chiseled body in leather pants look just doesn’t seem like an Arthur look. Maybe also because Arthur is a really lame name.

The Graffiti

I don’t know what was up with the graffiti in the movie. It feels like they were making it a pretty symbolic and culturally interesting thing that the kids do. They were just weird dumb symbols. See another thing they could’ve scrapped to attempt to make this a solid movie but nope. just have kids draw dicks on the wall with paint and mention it having something to do with Arthur and his town.

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Recapping The Biggest News At Comic Con (Only The Stuff I Care About).

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Biggest time of the year for entertainment besides sports pretty much. One of these years i always say I’m gonna go and do the full experience. Dress up like one of those weirdos even though in a convention hall packed to the brim and air conditioning working overtime even though everyone still sweats a few gallons because of their ridiculous outfits. I swear once being a nerd becomes full on mainstream and they start having sex there’s gonna be a staph outbreak from all the people sweating on top of each other in batman costumes listening to RDJ talking about reprising his role as Iron Man for the twentieth time. But I’d still go. Some of those anime girls get down. Anyways onto the main shit.

MARVEL NEWS

Doctor Strange

Interesting to say the least. There were rumblings that the MCU wants Dr. Strange to be the next Iron Man of series. That the addition to him is gonna change the shape of the MCU world. Looks funky enough with the Inception like world they’re dicking around in being all magical and shit. I think what the Iron Man, Captain America, and The Avengers movies did so well was grounding the film in the real modern world. It was California, New York, and DC. Nothing looked too silly or out of place and was relatable. I’m not gonna lie, when I first saw they were doing a Dr. Strange movie and figured what all of that was about I was skeptical because now I have to picture a guy floating around NYC like an asshole doing magic tricks and shit. Well so far it doesn’t seem too crazy at all after this trailer. Feels like they’re kind of fighting on a different plane but still within the real world. I mean they’re mishmoshing NYC teleporting and shit with normal people still walking around doing their 9-5 like they pay no mind. Like i picture them like ghost walking among humans where its the earth but they can’t be seen….I’ve gone too far for someone who doesn’t read or know shit about the comic books but what i do know is I will always have feelings for Rachel McAdams.

Thor: Ragnarokpeftdwo7x5cydddtasko

Not gonna lie, I love the look of the logo but I don’t get it. It looks like an 80’s movie or video game from Atari even though this is suppose to be the Apocalypse that kills all of Thor’s people. Ain’t hating on it too much, just curious. Any who, everyone who’s followed knows Thor’s teaming up with Banner for Ragnarok but I guess this is where Marvel is trying to tie in more Planet Hulk story line with this got damn Hulk Gladiator outfit.ZZ5A6C532B-700x725

Never understood why Marvel’s great equalizer would need a shield, war helmet, and a battle axe but I’m not gonna pass judgement till I see the movie. The Thor movie’s and Hulk movie weren’t exactly a cash cow for the MCU, maybe throwing them together in some gladiator, end of the world Jeff Goldblum Grandmaster type shit will bump them up in the charts.

Black Panther

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I don’t think they brought anything new for Black Panther aside from announcing who each actor is playing. Not much else aside from that. Michael B. Jordan is playing the villain to Chadwick Boseman’s Black Panther as the character Erik Killmonger. From the looks of the comics it looks like he’s suppose to have dreads so it’ll be interesting to see how that look plays out. He also looks way more fucking yoked so i guess Adonis Creed is gonna need to pack on the protein.

Spiderman: Homecoming

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Decent little tease going on with some concept art. Guess this is what Vulture is going to look like portrayed by Michael Keaton. After Civil War people loved the portray of this version of Spiderman from the mannerisms to speech. Looks like this rendition of Vulture would be a good match up considering in the comics he looked like a god damn old ass man in a bird suit.latest

Such a ridiculous look, but I think the new one on screen will look good.

Captain Marvel

By the time Captain Marvel comes out these comic book movies might very well become so tired as well as Brie Larson, but for now, they’re hot. Marvel’s about half way through their planned line up and Brie Larson dominating Hollywood. Such a crazy jump. Played a teenager 4 years ago in 21 Jump Street, then she was in the Gambler which stunk and for some reason i kept on thinking her make up looked awful and she had like acne in the movie, I didn’t watch Trainwreck all the way because it sucked but she was in that. Next thing you know she’s an Oscar winner and joins Hollywood’s biggest cash cow studio. Crazy career she’s had. If comic book movies are still fun and she doesn’t look like shes had an acne outbreak, I’m sure ill enjoy Captain Marvel because I kinda loved her in Room.

DC Extended Universe News

Wonder Woman

Far and away I love what Marvel brought to the table so much more than what the DC universe has brought up until recently. I thought Batman V Superman was decent of a movie but didn’t like the look of a lot of it but still elements that I did like. Now I feel like they’re finally catching up a bit. So far the scenes look great from the trailer but it is still a trailer and a great trailer doesnt always mean the film is gonna be good. We saw a bit of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in BvS in modern times but I am curious how her story is gonna play out in that time period. Also, Chris Pine, is he a superstar yet? I always feel like he’s on the cusp but never fully there. Almost like he’s living in the Hemsworth Shadow. Guy needs to date a super star or something.

Justice League

Again, looks pretty interesting. Gonna see batman play the role of Nick Fury recruiting the team. Now out of the crew I think Batman and Wonder Woman work the best. Aquaman, I have my gripe with. In BvS he looked like he was holding his breath underwater. I do not know why that annoys me but it does. Guy is suppose to be able to live underwater. He shouldn’t look like he’s holding his breath. It’s crazy but that’s what I’ve come to expect from movies in 2016. Next one is Cyborg. The CGI looks decent but don’t really know how the guy’s suppose to look. At one point he kinda looks like a bunch of shards of a mirror glued all around to make a suit of some sort. Don’t know if i would care to like the character. Last of all is Flash, the suit looks weird on his body but does look kind of interesting. Over all im curious. We know the villain is suppose to be the Steppenwolf dude. As with most of these comic book movies, it’s only as good as the villain so hope that he brings some thing to the table.

Suicide Squad

Not that we haven’t known about Suicide Squad since it’s being released next week but they gave us another look at it. I don’t know, a lot of nerds are super hyped on this. My buddy might go to the opening night of it even though he’s like a recluse . Me personally i could care less. I think Joker looks like a hot topic customer and Jared Leto tries to hard. It’s just not my cup of tea as far as the Joker. He’s not menacing really, just kind of annoying to me. Take away the weapons and he just seems like Jeffree Star. Heath take away the weapons and i feel like he looks like a lunatic that’s gonna ramble about some Machiavelli quotes or something about order and chaos. And as far as Harley Quinn goes, don’t get me wrong, Margot Robbie is lava hot. But I’m not gonna go see a movie just for a hot chick. And again, I hope one day at those comic cons i hope to find those cosplay girls dressed up as Harley Quinn. She alone though can’t make Suicide Squad worth it tho. But I’m not too worried as there’s still Will Smith with a smasher of a line “It’s time to save the world”(will smith voice).

EVERYTHING ELSE

Kong: Skull Island

Two of Hollywood’s hottest actors. On one hand we have Brie Larson who as i said before is like America’s Sweet Heart after playing a rape victim in Room. And then we have Tom Hiddleston who’s banging T Swift. Guy might also become the next bond because he has an English accent and staring in something that makes it seem like he can take on a giant over grown Gorilla probably helps his image as being 007. King Kong in this though, looks fucking huge. Like insanely big. The other ones kinda made him around the size of a small plane, This one looks like he can grip a 747 in his palm. Definitely Curious.

King Arthur

Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur looks exactly like Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes. Sure the period setting is different but still uses the snori cam view, the wit, the color grading etc. I’ll watch it when it goes to Red Box.

Blair Witch

Ed Lee doesn’t do scary shit. Not because its silly, but because I scare easily and I jump and might cry or shriek in theaters and I feel like it takes away from my tough masculine character. That being said though, The Blair Witch Project was awesome because it was a handi cam and they made it seem like all the people in it were dead. Shit was real. This was before IMDB became a house hold tool and definitely before people were flooding SDCC and them announcing that they’re actually not dead and just actors. I need an element of knowing i might be watching dead people or ghost. <—–(That’s also why Heath slayed as the Joker.)

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

What I said about King Arthur looking like Sherlock Holmes because of Guy Ritchie is the same for David Yates, this movie, and the last four Harry Potter movies. Guess that’s okay though since this is like a Harry Potter off shoot. I don’t know anything about it because I don’t like reading books but what i do know is people like Eddie Redmayne because he played a transgender person and spoke out about LGBT issues and that’s whats hot with millennials. They also love Harry Potter and weird and culturally “different” things so this movies probably going to rake. Guy was also pretty good at pretending to be Stephen Hawking.

Sherlock

I don’t really know if people are on Sherlock yet. It’s a BBC show so it obviously doesn’t have as great a reach but show is pretty good. Benedict Cumberbatch does a pretty good Sherlock and the stories are all pretty well written. I just hate the portrayal of Moriarty. Guy seems like a tool. I don’t buy his brain power. This season looks like a lot more action is taking place. I kind of like a 90 minute run time of light action and more detective shit but this is only a trailer so the action scenes might be spread out like seasons 1-3. I do want some difference though. Each show is like an hour and a half and something always leads back to Moriarty and then no Moriarty. I don’t even know if the guy is a living entity at this point since we thought he died but didn’t. Maybe he’s a ghost? Ghost mystery Sherlock would be kind of interesting.

Well there you have it, all the things I’m interested in seeing in the future that made glimpses at San Diego Comic Con. If anyone has pics of chicks at comic con let a brotha find out.