Take that apple and throw it in the trash. Not because it’s not good because it looks delicious as fuck. But you can’t just break all conventions to cooking and throw logic out the window by calling this a doughnut. It’s outrageous. A doughnut is a confection that need to be baked or fried and needs to be made with dough. I already said I hate foods that are too complicated, well you know what? I’ve had a bigger food gripe all my life and It’s time i air my grievances. Growing up my mom has been vegetarian since i was knee high to a duck. I’m use to getting my greens in but something that’s always plagued my mom was when she would make me fake ass vegetarian food with “vegetarian meat”. We’d get like a tofu block that’s been loaded with MSG and shaped into a fish or fake meat made from mushrooms. If you’re gonna be vegetarian, i want you to be vegetarian meaning you don’t get to eat the knock off meat stuff either. What’s the point in being a leaf eater if you want the leafs to taste and pretend enough to be meat. Just eat fucking meat. Same logic applies to this donut. Don’t you dare tell me you’re gonna give me a donut and then hand me a fucking apple and say “Its healthy!” and then ruin all healthyness by dousing it in chocolate and caramel and shit. You’re just lying to your self. Id rather just eat a powdered donut and then an apple. Or better yet, once Fall comes around give me a bakers dozen of apple cider donut and leave me alone.
In the midst of a foodie revolution and hipster food trends I’m going to admit something that I’ve had bottled up for so long. I hate hipster trendy donuts. Hate them. I love all sorts of candy bars and sweets. Adding all that to a nice soft doughnut sounds like the best introduction into diabetes life, but I hate them. These cronuts and gourmet donuts with fancy cremes its all just gimmicks and I’m just not a gimmick kind of guy. Maybe there’s a time and a place for those types of donuts and I just haven’t been there yet but deep down in my heart of hearts I believe donuts should be simple. They can’t have more than like 2 things going on for them. Baked softees, glazed, powdered, chocolate covered, strawberry with sprinkles. Beautiful things don’t beg for attention. I believe that for anything from the most exotic animal deep in the Himalayas to deep fried or baked confectionery. All simple donuts that are available at any grocery store. The everyday man’s doughnut.
That’s why I have a problem with this lady. Sure I might not know the landscape of where they are, but there’s no reason to make your husband drive 6 fucking miles to go buy your favorite donuts. It makes me think she made him go to some fancy pants doughnut boutique which is just absurd already. But then you get the added bonus of her getting mad because he didn’t know the second favorite? Get the fuck out of here lady. That’s just as irrational as knowing my 16th favorite movie on my list or knowing specifically who the 167th round draft pick is. The objective is to always learn what they like and don’t like, everything in between will never matter. In the end though the fact is if you’re a doughnut person, you should just be fine with any doughnut. Chocolate frosted, glazed, or just get the combo boxes you can get at any near by convenience store. It don’t matter. But she had to be a picky ass bitch. Honestly if she reacted this way you just know that his life was in danger when he got home. It was her favorite or get stabbed and once they were sold out his future outcome was already made and his ass was going to get stabbed.
If I just said casually “Hey honey can you run out and cross over the bridge across state lines to get these very specific donuts?” I would get spit in the face and left to die alone.
Ahhh yes Fall is here. Now i know this doesn’t even really apply for Florida but god dammit it didn’t always use to be this way. I remember as a young boy, it was fall and just spent the day in school playing outside hanging out with friends. It was dress up day for Halloween. The winds blew and the air was crisp and i even think leaves turned all brown. I would go home, play outside with my dog running acres around the house. Go back inside and i specifically remember watching the Halloween episode of The Famous Jett Jackson. That’s right. Black teenage espionage Disney movies like you read about. Any ways, it was fall. The Environment was fall. I don’t know if its global warming or just growing up but i cling onto those days where the wind was cool and breezy in October.
Anyone who knows me knows i dream of just a farm up in like Vermont that i could go to to get away from it all with my dog and just play outside. Kick a ball around, play some football. Just watch the leaves change and shit. I’m all about that and that’s what i live for. I don’t want to die here in Florida. I want to be like the reverse Ben Affleck in The Town and instead of running away to Florida, i want to run away to New England. Until i get to that point i cling onto anything fall but one of the greatest injustice in modern life is the over rating of Pumpkin when it comes to Fall. A lot of this is due to the Buzzfeed culture and i just wont stand for it. In a 12 round heavy weight match, Apple would punch pumpkin in its dick every round and its not a question.
EXHIBIT A) Alcohol
Listen pumpkin beer is nice and all. I get it it has a nice flavor. But Apple Ale kicks pumpkin beers dick. Its crisp and refreshing and I’m pretty sure has more alcohol too so you get your buzz on faster. Yea i get it Pumpkin is more “seasonal” but again, that’s just some man made preconception. (p.s- i also like blueberry beer. That’s summer seasonal. Sea dog blueberry [that doesn’t make me gay])
EXHIBIT B) Pie/desert
Pies. This is a monumental category. Its a lasting impression on the meal. Fourth quarter of the game. Now pumpkin pie is awesome. I do love it. Rich texture, sweet, its a tour de force for the autumn season. In team Apple we have classic apple pie. As American as George Washington. Now i know what you might say, Apple pie seems like a 4th of July thing. That’s the beauty of apple pie. You have conventional pie served a la mode. A nice Lattice cut for the 4th, and apple crisp for the fall. Pumpkin pie is always served cold which i feel like isn’t awesome all around. Apple pie/cobbler/crisp taste good hot or cold. Always comes out to play and brings its A game every time.
EXHIBIT C) Spices
Now we’re getting down to microscopic powders that really make up what all the white girls want out of fall. The pumpkin spice lattes. Now for the sake of argument im gonna assume pumpkin pie spice is relatively the same thing as pumpkin spice. And here its pretty much a wash. Lets go to the tape
As you can see the genetic make up of Fall spices mostly comprises of cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice. Pumpkin spice has the extra ginger, but apple comes with ground cloves AND cardamom. In my house hold, extra is always the winner, but ill be generous and say this is a wash because I’m nice like that.
Picking. An experience everyone should have multiple times in their life. Now both these experience are nice and all but the thing is Pumpkin picking is like picking one specific pumpkin. I mean no body ACTUALLY picks a pumpkin to eat (this comes into play afterwards). They pick the pumpkin for Jack-o-lanterns. Now pumpkins, as nice as they are, are all oblong shapes. You struggle to pick the correct one because they gotta work well for your jack-o-lantern face. Sure you can decorate with a few odd looking ones, but the kids all want that nice round one, a bit wider than long, can cut out a nice grin on its face. The struggle is real when trying to find the right pumpkin. Apple picking, is it ripe? yes or no. pick a billion of them, get them by the bushel, spend the afternoon breathing fresh air, and take a tractor ride back to your car. Enjoy football while your girl makes you apple pie/crisp/crumble or just take a bite into an apple and feel stronger.
EXHIBIT E)- MISCELLANEOUS
When you gotta summon that extra burst of energy to make it through the day, you just gotta sugar rush yourself. No better way then caramel apples, lie to your self and say the apple is healthy, get the burst of energy from pure sugary caramel.
Are pumpkin spice donuts a thing? Like it has to be a thing before Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts started reading buzzfeed on how to market to white women. All i know is Apple cider donuts are a thing, and to go with that Apple Cider, both regular or Sparking for the classy occasion. Is Pumpkin cider a thing? if so it sounds lame and just an apple copycat and nobody likes a copycat.
Now when i originally posed the thought of Apple over Pumpkin, i got some backlash obviously and the only thing i got back in where Pumpkin has a win over apple is Bread. I’ve never had Pumpkin bread. It sounds like a thing but i don’t really know of it. Either way, they have apple breads but ill put my trust in the public for once and prove I’m not biased. Ill give them the benefit that a pumpkin bread might be good. But if we’re gonna be totally honest, Banana nut bread is da bomb. And then if we’re gonna be totally totally honest, If i could have one sliced bread for sandwiches for the rest of my life it would be Panera’s Tomato Basil bread.
I guessssss if im trying to find things to not be biased, Pumpkin seeds are a thing? I mean yea salted seeds are nice little snack every now and then so ill allow for it especially since you can’t eat apple seeds. In case you’re not as worldly and full of information like i am, apple seeds contain cyanide. Now if you were to argue for team apple, Yea you can’t eat them but if you were to say plot a scheme where you kill someone with cyanide then about 85 grams or just about a cup of dry apple seeds, you can successfully kill someone. Eat the Apple to get healthy, use the seeds on you’re nemesis. Name something apples can’t do. you cant.
So there you have it folks. I laid my life on the line before you. Fought the war with every last breathe in my body. My bones were aching taking gun fine and explosions fighting the good fight but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll sleep when im dead. Thats my dedication to making apple king again. I don’t want to live in a world where buzzfeed dictates the world and thinks for us. Long before pumpkin came along, it was apples. Toe to Toe Apple beats pumpkin in almost every damn way shape or form. If i need to get into a fist fight with every white girl i will, but Im gonna end pumpkin as fall flavor and make sure they know Apple is the Lord, when i shall lay my vengence upon them. Ezekiel 25:17. I know this is all one big bold statement and I’ll even settle for co existence, but whenever it comes up in conversation im fighting for America’s first fall fruit. Team Apple always and forever.