By now I have a sick feeling inside that people might be getting a bit sick and tired of the fantastic actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (His daughter happens to be my neighbor, not that that affects my opinion on him). People may scoff and ignore his next major Blockbuster release Rampage. Well how the fuck can you scoff now when the plot of it is basically happening right there there in Hong Kong. Like twice the length of the other puny hogs around him and with roughly 5000% more muscle bulk than the others. Honestly must be like a god amongst them. I mean I’ve always heard that pigs and hogs only have feeding and breeding on their mind which is why they get castrated on farms, so they only eat and grow massive for meat. Well if they can get their brains together for one second and realize they have a leader who can take on humans and rule the world if we were just going hand to hand. I mean short of a 50 cal bullet I’m not even sure other calibers can take Hogzilla out. I mean yea i know shit head poachers take out Elephants all the time but Hogs are a whole nother animal entirely, literally. Same logic where a 9mm can probably shoot any person but when a crazy coked out juiced meth head comes charging at you. It’s gonna take a couple .45 probably. Well same logic as hogzilla except times 100 and bullets look like they’ll bounce off him when he charges the streets of Hong Kong. I mean it’s eating trash! It’ll eat anything and every thing and continue to bulk up. That includes, half eaten steaks, bullets, trash, humans, skulls, etc. Guy’s such a monster it almost makes me think he’s a marketing ploy now just so people watch Rampage. I don’t want to know monsters can happen naturally out there in the wild.
Name a hotter cast for this summer. You can’t. On Wednesday Baywatch had a special Wednesday release instead of the normal Thursday and naturally I had to watch is because The Rock is my dude. I’ll follow Rocky Maivia tot he ends of the earth if I have to. Also super fun fact, his baby mama is my neighbor, but I swear on gods green earth that that fact will not weigh into my opinion on this movie.
So Baywatch, first of all you gotta realize what this movie is. They’re not trying to mimic Michael Bay in the size of their action scenes. It’s not trying to be a Christopher Nolan movie that is intelligent and deep and well planned action. Its an action comedy featuring essentially models, perfect human specimens, as comedic action stars (minus Jon Bass’s character). We’re not trying to break cinematic barriers here and at one point they even wrote in a joke pointing out the self awareness of what Baywatch is, so all those reviews that trash it can go kick rocks. Those opinions aren’t welcome cause they’re trying to compare Baywatch, a comedy remake of a hit 90’s television show that was technically canceled after 1 season, to the master works of Federico Felini.
But I will say, this movie sometimes, if i were to critique it, it fails at finding out what it is. Is it a comedy, is it action, can it balance both? Many of the thought heading into it was also that its suppose to be like 21 Jump Street. A very good comparison but the difference is Jonah Hill is funny. Works in comedy, is known for comedy etc. Channing Tatum, looks like a dumb idiot but is also pretty funny in a comedic sense. The Rock is conversationally funny. Zac Efron, probably not the funniest guy ever. And when the whole movie revolves around those 2 characters, it sometimes feels lacking in humor. Now don’t get me wrong, I still had a damn good time watching it and there are funny scenes that will probably give a chuckle. And lets face it, you’re not going to see this for the plot, you’re going to watch action scenes with the Rock and laugh at some jokes and stare at hot chicks in the movie. And with critics slamming Baywatch, it undersells maybe to the point where you watch it and go “oh it wasn’t as bad as they were making it out to be.” So all in all I give it a 6.- O wait a minute.
**Goes To Answer The Door**
Me: Hey! Dany! How’s it going?
Dany (a.k.a the Rocks Baby Mama): Hey Ed! Hows it going? Just wanted to stop by and say Hi!
Me: Oh all is well, I actually got done watching the movie you produced, Baywatch! It was great! Hilarious fun summer action film. Great entertainment that you can watch with your friends and not have to take seriously!
Dany: Ah good good. Alright well jsut stopping by to say Hi. Maybe One day I can bring The Rock to come meet you since we’re neighbors and all! I’ll let you get back to blogging!
Okay, sorry bout that guys. Neighbors just wanted to say hi. Anyways yea, Baywatch? 15 out of 10. Run to the movies with your buddies and just don’t act poor because you can’t afford 10 dollars a ticket.
Now before we get to the discussions did I ever tell you guys the Rocks baby mama is my neighbor? Little fun fact. Discussion!
You know how they say the idea of college isn’t necessary anymore? How we all kinda learn specific things that apply to our career and don’t need to learn shit like a fifth foreign language or learn about the Stars in order to get a degree and be successful. Well do we really need the Olympics anymore? I love the Olympics. I like the story lines and I’ll always root for USA to dominate other countries because we have the resources to produce athletes like Lebron. But now a days like we have one or two competitions that the world focuses in on. I.E. swimming. Why? Because we were able to market the shit out of guys like Michael Phelps and his albatross wing span. But that’s one athlete out of thousands from around the world. Back then when you ask someone if they would want to be an Olympic athlete I’m sure people fell in love with the thought that it could happen. Now though? When you see the amount of money that goes around being in a pro sport league compared to now a days when the guy making your Subway sandwich or worker at Home Depot could be an Olympic athlete, its a haarrrrddddd pass. Now granted, I’m no athlete, Olympic, pro, or amateur, shit not even collegiate, but still, the thought that you can be Matt Brody, perfect body, 2x gold medalist and still just be a life guard stinks.
How about Hasselhoff Cameoing in 2 hit summer movies within the same month for characters he played a million years ago? He said 1 line of dialogue in Guardians 2 and gave almost a paragraph worth of dialogue in the Baywatch remake and probably made a couple hundred thousand just for that. Fucking Hollywood man.
RANK THE HOTNESS
Lot of hot bods in this movie. A clear reason why It’s at least worth a watch.
8.) The Field
Not gonna lie, a little disappointed in what we got going on with the non stars. I know it doesn’t focus much on the outside characters, and there for certain were some hot chicks in the crowd, but in a movie that should only have hot people, there was nothing dazzling in the crowd.
A crowd of X’s actual cast members and maybe 2 chicks that I deem hot enough for Baywatch. The rest are just guys. Not ugly guys, per say, but certainly not hot chicks, thats for certain. I needed at one point, Fast and the Furious shot that just highlights how hot people can be mixed in with a a tracking ass shot. Maybe it got left on the cutting room floor, but either way, it’s absence was felt.
7.) Oscar Martinez/I Cant Remember His Name In This Movie
Gotta throw him into this ranking. He’s a catch 22 type situation. He probably should be below The Field in this ranking, but he showed his cock in this movie. That takes a lot of balls, no pun intended, But also his cock wasn’t impressive, and by the dialogue, also has a big bush, which again should also place him below the field in this ranking. I’m putting him 1 above the bottom because Oscar Martinez was hilarious in the Office. Yea it has nothing to do with Baywatch but this is my blog so I get to manipulate things in this space like I’m god. Deal with it and just laugh at Oscars cock scene.
6.) Kelly Rohrbach
Hard to place her where she is. She’s like a main supporting character and is hot fire. But she’s a model/actress and not the other way around. Her body is all there. But for some reason I can’t place her face above everyone else. Models are about body shape, but actors are all about the face and how distinct it is. Something about hers is a little bit off in this. Maybe its the eyes in some scenes? Maybe in the right light she beams past the competition, but in my heart of hearts based off this movie I can’t move her up more than she already is. She hot as balls clearly because Leo gave her a shot but her face just doesn’t do it for me, compared to everyone else at least. This Gif though begs to differ.
5.) Priyanka Chopra/Victoria Leeds
The baddie of the film. Gorgeous woman. The field I feel like puts here in a weird place being associated so close to the bottom, but make no mistake, she baaddddd, and I mean that in a good way. If i had to pick a gripe, though, maybe, just maybe her lips are too big? Too plump? at a quick glance, she certainly has some DSLs, but for some reason in some of the up close shots you look at them, obviously because you’re picturing doing unchristian things with her, and then at some scenes they looked like they were stuffed with collagen or something.
4.) Zac Efron/ Matt Brody
This fucking guy. First off I will say, spelling Zac with just a “Z-a-c” is a wild move but I like it. When when you don’t know if its Zach or Zack shit maybe even Zak if you’re European or something, but just 3 letters Zac to make life a little bit easier is a decent move in my books. But that’s neither here nor there. So Zach Efron, Guy is ripped. Guy is too ripped for his size. Like at one point if he just dies, I wouldn’t be surprised because his frame and skeletal structure probably can’t handle all that beef. Also his head looks massive. I don’t know why but guy looks like a bobble head out there sometimes. Subtly in looks might suit him better but that wont stop Efron from looking like a champion body builder. That’s not even a realistic look for a swimmer. They’re lean and long armed and don’t have muscle weighing them down. But if ripped up is your flavor, Matt Brody has it.
3.) Alexandra Daddario
Maybe a controversial decision. Alex Daddario is a SMOKEBOMB. Fuego. Eyes are fucking wild, looks hot in those life guard jump suits and stacked. The prototypical Baywatch life guard is a blond but theres always one brunette to offset the blondes and Daddario is a great pick. Those eyes man, their pierce the screen. If I had to make one complaint though, its that this woman can’t for the life of her tan. Always looking pale as shit. In some scenes she looks like she has some color but the next scene it looks like shes coming out for the 1st time since winter. I’ll take that pale ass any day of the week, but just saying, maybe get a base going with some spray on and then bake in the sun for like 4 hours on both sides. Oh also this.
2.) The Rock/Mitch Buchannon
Tall, tan, Handsome smile, muscular, charming, well spoken, a god amongst men, 8 time WWF champion, Father to my neighbors daughter. Really nothing to say here. Should be number 1 but the Rock is a well known being and out of no where number 1 stole my heart away.
1.) Ilfenesh Hadera/Stephanie Holden
Stunning Gorgeous woman. Seriously the more and more i saw of her the more she was nudging the others out of the competition. Smooth mocha skin. Hot bod. Daddario is a hot chick for sure. Ilfenesh Hadera is a hot woman. One you can court around fancy people.
Genius. Fucking brilliant. Ask me a week ago if I thought this was a PR stunt perpetrated by the Hollywood studios and I would’ve told you by next week I wouldn’t care one bit. But things have changed. I remembered that Vince McMahon is still alive. Not that I ever thought he wasn’t alive but I forgot how much of a manipulator he is. How the man blurs the line between real life and Monday Night RAW. Can never tell if he’s Vince McMahon the Wrestler/ The Owner/ The Founder of the Kiss My Ass Club/ or just the real Vince McMahon that strolls through town. The reason being is because they’re all the same. Guy is really a villain in real life. That’s why It wouldn’t be completely out of bounds to say that this is all his doing. Frankly if I get into an argument with my friend I wouldn’t discount the idea that it was a ploy by Vince. If he has that much of a hold on my brain, a guy who hasn’t watched wrestling since the days of RVD, how much control do you think he has over The Rock who grew up in the greatest era of wrestling. Yea The Rock has appearances here and there on Wrestlemania. The guy generates a buzz like no other.
Listen, I don’t know what the plot is to Fast 8. What I do know from extensively analyzing all 8 films repeatedly is that the relationship between Hobbs and Toretto was born from a rocky start aiming to beat the shit out of one another. One is against the law and one is the law. Sure they’ve put aside differences in order to protect people from terrorist and other harmful criminals, but Just like Iron Man and Captain America, I could picture those two going at each others throat. If you were to tell me that they finished Captain America Civil War with RDJ storming off set mad at Chris Evans, I would scratch my head about it since they’ve had chemistry working with each other on the previous other marvel movies. Then if you told me Wrestlemania’s headline event was going to be Steve Rodgers verses Iron Man I would fly to what ever city to see it go down. It’s taking movies to a live action level. Not to mention The Rock calling someone out over instagram for being unprofessional is a bit unprofessional itself. Never could picture The Rock just beefing with someone in real life anyways. That is of course, if it’s one big ploy perpetrated by Vince McMahon……
So this past week if you’ve been living under a rock, two of the largest Hollywood stars that have been actively involved in a multi million dollar film franchise, started having beef with one another. I love the Fast and the Furious franchises. Don’t get me wrong, i know that it’s cheesy action packed garbage, but that garbage is fun. Bad Boys II isn’t a master work of any kind but sometimes i just think Michael Bay 360 shoot out scenes are fun. This is the same way. I use to be able to quote the entire original Fast and the Furious movie off the top of my head because of how many times I’ve seen the movie. “That’s bullshit asshole, no one likes the tuna!” Loved everything about the movie and the time period it came out in. So naturally I’ve been a long time Dominic Toretto Fan. But honestly now picking sides I gotta go with the Brahma Bull. Look I love you, Vin. But the fact of the matter is, the only reason why I loved those series was cause of Paul Walker. Brian Earl Spilner, Mr. Arizona. Sucks cause Han died already to because if not he would be my next deciding choice on which side I’m on. But the fact of the matter is, I’ve been down with Team Rock Bottom way before Brian O’Conner was learning about granny shifting, not double clutching when he should. You’re gonna make The Rock chill 3 hours while you lolly gag in your trailer for no reason? You know how much muscle he loses in that time sitting around not eating or working out? It’s an asshole move. And hate to break it to you Dom, but when the whole cast of characters probably including your main girl Letty sides with The Rock, then face it, you’re the one who fucked up and you’re done.
Now its been awhile since I’ve watched wrestling and even longer since I’ve played any of the video games, but do you remember when you could make your own character you obviously had to give him the spear as one of his moves. The Rock did it, Goldberg, all the greats had a good spear in their repertoire. The only problem was the actual look of the spear. You could do the very basic one where the character slowly dives into the guys abdomen but that wasn’t good enough. You needed the ones like the The Rock where you flew at mach speed into the person and they folded up like a binder and brought their spine into the canvas. Well thats what we had here in this rugby match. A spear worthy of sending an opponent through those cheap ply wood table or the spanish announcers table. There was no breaking the 3 count on that one because he was probably dead. His rib cage/internal organs/mental psyche just left his body and went straight into the ground. Ruthless but such a beautiful hit.
P.s- the problem with this is when ever I make a post relating to wrestling i spend hours watching old WWF footage. I was gonna blog this at 11 am and its 2:30 pm right now and I might’ve hit the end of youtube searching for WWF videos.
P.P.S- I give the guy probs for holding onto the ball all the way through the hit. Good chance I would’ve thrown the ball and ran for my life screaming if i saw that guy accelerating towards me