Screen Rant: Suicide Squad (**Spoilers**)

 

3072003-suicide-squad-group-posterThis movie stunk. Like not good. It’s not that I hate DC movies, honestly, I could care less. I watch Man of Steel all the time cause Christopher Meloni’s in it and I actually thought Batman vs. Superman was decent and overall fun to watch. I couldn’t watch this with out thinking about how much I hated the characters so I might not even know if the plot is really great but as I write this blog im gonna let that mull over a little too. The trailers certainly sold the movie as the movie brought in a little under a gazillion dollars even though all the critics and for the most part I think the popular consensus was that the movie stunk. When it released opening night it was at a solid 9.2 rating on IMDB. Here we are a week removed and its a very lack luster 6.9 (ni.ce). There are plenty of options out in theaters that are probably better. The new Bourne movie if espionage action movies are your thing, if not War Dogs looks pretty funny and a cool story. If you’ve exhausted your options i guess give Suicide Squad a watch. If you just want to be entertained for over 2 hours go at it. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it certainly isn’t or shouldn’t be the gold standard of the DC Extended Universe.

Honestly this should be like a netflix series. I hate to compare the two, but there really is no other option. Marvel has their Netflix properties to take care of the low to mid tier villains because it’s unrealistic to have Dare Devil try to fight Loki. You save these scenarios that threaten the Earth for The Avengers. Well why the fuck would you send these criminals to try to save the entire planet when you could just as well assemble the Justice League. Actual “meta-humans” that have the resources and abilities to ward off shit that can obliterate the planet. If they had episodes that show more of each character it would be great but instead we’re given a quick rundown of characters that really have no business fighting crime of this proportion. I don’t want to give too much away in case people do actually want to see it because the marketing works so all I’ll say for now is that i would give it a 6.3/10. Do what you will with that.

As I said earlier a big gripe i had was with the characters. Hated almost all of them for different reasons. So I took some time to sit down and think why I hated their character, but better yet, If we had to really assemble a Suicide Squad, who would we pick? The most hated people to send out to do our bidding risking their lives so if and when all hell breaks loose, we can just blame them.

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All things considered, Amanda Waller was a pretty good character. Ruthless bitch. Knows she has a job to do. Now it is her plan to assemble this cast of characters which everyone knows would be a headache to manage, but she’s a woman that doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty. Now I know she herself isn’t a squad member, she’s just the GM, but the GM is just as important. Who would I send in her place? Wendy Williams. Do people hate her? I don’t really know but I assume so. Why? Because of the video of Method Man is chilling getting a hair cut getting all mad at Wendy Williams because she outted Method Man’s wife as a cancer patient. Leave their personal business alone, Wendy you trifling bitch. Oh and as for Oprah? She was apparently actually a choice for the studios to play Amanda Waller and I get probably no one on earth hates her but o wait. Remember the time she said she’d give all KFC customers free chicken? Yea that shit never worked for me so I hate her now. You owe me some free Oprah chicken, you lying bitch.

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How can I care about a character that is so god damn useless to the story. What in gods name would be the point of bringing aboard a backstabbing diamond thief on your mission to kill an evil entity? The guy uses a fucking boomerang. A boomerang. Dead fucking technology. Might as well just hire a cast of actors in a Roman war reenactment and just have them throw javelin spears because it would be just as effective except you don’t have to deal with a drunk aussie criminal. Now who would I pick to send in? The Donald. Listen, this list isn’t solely based on resemblance. Sometimes you just gotta send in people you hate. Donald is border line a hate monger at these rallies calling Obama the creator of ISIS. They both just talk to much, shits annoying. Send them in the front lines and let captain boomerang just die. Slick talking and want millions while not giving a fuck is in the way. Send in Trump but rewrite the story to say Captain Boomerang dies because he’s a fucking mortal human with no abilities what so ever.

Slipknot

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When I saw Adam Beach was in this movie I gasped. Kickin wing. Kickin wing Animal doctor who’s suppose to be kicking ass. Guy was involved in one of the most puzzling cases of Law and Order SVU after being arrested for the killing of a fellow police officer. Unfortunately, by the end of the movie, if I polled the entire audience in every single theater across America I guarantee you more than half of them forgot that he was even in this movie. Guy came and went like two ships in the night. Now for the sake of my own enjoyment, I want Alex Jones to be this guy. Fucking annoying with his screaming and conspiracy theories. Kill him off in the first 5 minutes.

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Now’s where we get more interesting with characters that should matter. Killer Croc is a great villain. The guy is like part crocodile, you know how badass that is? Some cannibalistic mutant just fucking people up. But now think for a second, what is the most menacing part of a croc. Its teeth. This Killer Croc, used none of that. Instead he was just punching people. How lame is that? Let me see him rip some guys face off. If you’re gonna do a PG-13 movie don’t give me characters that should be a hard R for disturbing violence. You know who else has that type of brute power and is hated among many? Alexander Enmanuel Rodriguez. Give Killer Croc a baseball bat and meatball and I guarantee you he’s rounding home in an instant. With his character flaw of looking ugly as fuck, He’s always talking about how beautiful he is and attractive to cope with it. You know who else thinks of them self as beautiful? The guy in the original photo above who is kissing himself in the fucking mirror. Who else is half man and half beast other than Arod who is a man centaur  Oh yea and the whole “Killer Croc is a cannibal” thing, remember when Arod brought a cooler with his own food to a fancy restaurant for them to heat up? Hmmmmm……

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Yo June Moon the archeologist fucking suuuucckkked at her job. Went exploring and fell down a fucking hole. Now if you were making some great exploration tell me, do you preserve everything as is and document all your findings or do you pick up some jinxed idol, break it, and release a 7000 year old witch lady that will posses your body? Sucks you never saw the full grasp of her powers too. you saw her like teleport but she’s got to be able to do more with all her powers and shit right? Now this pick is one that’s purely in the news that made my brain go to her but you just have to send in Hope Solo. No one likes her right? Choked in the Rio Olympics like June Moon Choked at not falling down a hole. Bending and contorting all weird and shit and you know what? Since Hope’s nudes were released, I can confidently say she probably shares a similar looking vagina to the 7 millennia years old Enchantress.

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Has a character that’s suppose to be so bad ass been as non nonchalantly introduced into a movie like Katana? I mean I know Flag gives the exposition of she has a sword that steals souls or whatever, but she literally just shows up on a plane and he says “This is Katana” and moves on. You see none of the described sword’s real powers because it was shot in the dark and so fast and what ever they did show int he trailer got cut in final production. And even though many people still think its bad ass the whole samurai master of the sword look is, the fact still remains that swords are dead technology. .45 caliber bullets are stronger and more devastating and faster. For the sake of the story though, you learn that Katana is a revengeful girl with that sword hacking away at her husband’s killer. You know who else is spite-filled bitch with a blade? Laurena Bobbitt. Talk about one of the more revered and heinous crimes in American history. She’s top of the list as the new groups Katana. Who else would be a great fit? Amy Fisher and Tonya Harding. Tonya Harding certainly has the hate brewing in her heart but she wasn’t the one carrying out the act of smashing a girls femur in half so I can only give her half credit. Amy Fisher on the other hand was ready to double tap Mary Jo in the back of the head. Not to mention, In my head Katana’s husband can be some auto body shop owner in japan doing oil changes on GTRs like he’s the Tokyo Joey Buttafuoco.

Rick Flag

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Rick Flag was just bland as fuck but you hate him because he was just an uptight asshole. So unprofessional of him to fall in love with a demon witch lady. Nothing likeable about him one bit. With held info from the team and shit using his authority to make the crew of mass murderers feel like they’re below him with their lives dangling in the palm of his hand. Such a dick move. You know who else was hated by everyone who can shoot though? Christian Laettner. Rick Flag was the only main character who wasn’t a villain. Christian Laettner was the only one who was a college athlete in the 92 Dream Team. Rick Flag is Christian Laettner of the Suicide Squad. Privileged good looking white guy who bullies the rest of them and still a bad ass special forces guy.

El Diablo

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I fucking hated this guy. All the powers in the world that he can control for his entire life yet when all hell breaks loose he just chills back not doing a fucking thing. All because he killed his wife and kids? And another thing i can’t stand about these Mexican LA gang banger types is they always give some deep talk saying “I loved my wife, she was my everything but i killed her.” Hey guy, that’s some dumb ass logic. And what the fuck was her deal? Why on earth would you marry someone that can create flames out of no where and still think he’s a good guy? His name is El Diablo you dumbie. Its madness. Fuck this guy for not doing shit till the very end and also for killing his wife. But you know who else people hate and also killed a lover of theirs? Oscar Pistorius. You want a bad guy with a cool nickname like El Diablo? Well his is Blade Runner. Or you can pick almost all top level LA gang member and it would probably be the same. Hate this guy.

Harley Quinn

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I don’t have much of an issue with Harley Quinn, they just didn’t explain her story like at all. This is where a Harley Quinn in a Netflix series would be great to build up the character and how she got involved with the joker. Instead they just kinda glossed over the foundation of their relationship and then made the Joker continually tried to get her back in 3 minute increments spread through the movie for a combined 15 minutes of air time from the Joker. Absurd, but I digress. You know who’s a LUNATIC that has the body to portray Harley Quinn? Tila fuckin Tequila. That bitch is a psycho. One minute she’s internet famous for reasons I don’t know, the next shes on MTV with her own show and now you scroll through her Twitter timeline and shes a bonafide Nazi KKK lunatic.  Sure Harley wasn’t going around specifically beating up non whites in the movie, but if we’re talking about a psycho with out any inhibitions regarding smashing someones head in with a baseball bat, it’s Tila Tequila.

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Deadshot. Again, another person that’s suppose to be the most ruthless scum of the earth when really he’s a glorified contract killer that cares nothing more than the well fare of his daughter. The thing that bugs me is if you’re that good, you can somehow parlay your way into some military contract worth millions doing shit like Blackwater security stuff. Decorated sniper with a whole movie motion picture deal with tons of money in royalties type of guy. Anyways, when you see Deadshot get his hands on the artillery for the first time it’s like a homeless man getting thrown into a thanksgiving dinner. Just an all out assault. You know who else would love that kind of weaponry? Kevin Garnett. I guess some of the DC universe people are suppose to hate Deadshot, and regardless, tons of people hate KG too and you know he’s a ready to go to war type of guy. I mean you can just picture them both sitting in the house, loading up the pump. Loading up the Uzi. Got a couple M-16s, couple nines. Got a couple joints with some silencers on em. They’re both just loadin up clips. Got a couple grenades, couple missile launchers, with, you know, a couple missiles. They’re just ready for war…..Oh and they both like to talk slick and shit telling people their wives taste like Honey Nut Cheerios and shit.

Well there you have it! a crew of some of the most hated people you can blame anything on but in the off chance you need them to save Midway city, they might have a chance even though none of them are really anything special besides Diable even though Oscar Pistorious doesn’t have real legs. Moving on!

IMDB Commenters Screen Shot 2016-08-15 at 1.27.44 PMIm gonna play on the DC side for a second and give them the benefit of the doubt. Superman in theory can die if in the time line, the government learns of the power of Kryptonite, fashions a jacketed kryptonite bullet, fired out of a high powered assault rifle, then Deadshot can in theory kill Superman. Captain boomerang with a kyrptonite Boomerang? Harley Quinn with a kryptonite baseball bat that she swings at Supermans face while he’s distracted from staring at her tits. Diablo and his gang of cholo’s decide to change their gang colors from what ever their Hillside gang is to just the right shade of green might even be menacing enough to scare the pants off of that sissy boy Superman.

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If this is the case then DC has a strong hand over Marvel. It’s 2016 where gays are hot in the streets so that would be a big win for the studios.

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Hey Menthol_Rock_n_Roll, describing a guy as creepy hot is pretty much an oxymoron. Like there are no social pariah hot sluts out there. If a guy is creepy he’s creepy, if he’s hot, he’s hot. If the two some how come together then you have a sociopath, which to the joker and Jared Leto’s credit, might be a good thing, but you should also check your self in to therapy.

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Im just gonna use this post as a shout out out Lita, Trish Stratus, and any of those cruiser weight high flying Wrestlers for perfecting the Huracanrana/Head scissor takedown move as it has become a staple move for girls like Black Widow and Harley Quinn. If I had to give credit to one it would be to Lita, because she use to do that shit alot and also because i like how she pulled her thong all the way up above her pants.

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See! Freeze-well gets it! He probably read this blog even though i haven’t even pressed Publish yet.

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Straight up Hokey stuff, no doubt.

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See the thing about black guys is they’re all street smart and usually keep their cool. The Joker is a white mans game because white people do delusional type crimes. Plus if a black guy does white face, that’s offensive. No way a studio that didn’t have the balls to make a supposed “dark” movie rated R is going to make a black guy go white face.

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Why on earth would they have a sequel using a team of average joes when they’re gearing up to make the Justice League?

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Buffalo_carrot might be onto something here. Batman doesn’t square off. In fact he usually takes people out while their not looking. Kinda like when you shoot someone in the back because you don’t have the balls to kill him face to face.

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Pretty decent compromise if it can ease tension between a former axis power.

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There were two great post about the IMDB rating being at 6.9. The beauty of it was the thread that proceeded had no mention of a 69 joke what so ever. You know? like the sexual position where you both eat each other out? See the tail end on the “6” and “9” represent our genitalia where the other portion of the number represents our head, thus making it symbolize us giving each other oral sex. Flew right past all the DC comic book nerd’s head with that one.

 

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