You know how when you buy a bunch of groceries, you try to carry it all in one go? Left arm turns into steel with 9 grocery bags sending lactic acid straight into the forearm with your right arm completely free to key the lock and open the door. Well how the fuck was this guy gonna move what has to be like a couple thousand oranges all loose? Its comical to look at sure. Something you’d see in a cartoon or a comedy heist movie or something when oranges pour out onto the street, but when it comes to the fact of the matter, some one tossed oranges in the car one by one. That’s an excruciating amount of work for what can’t be more than 1000 dollars worth of oranges. Maybe a dollar over? Grand larceny that lends in what may be the least amount of street cred in the criminal underworld. I mean the least i can hope for is a sun roof that they could’ve just poured pounds of citrus into instead of one by one peddling oranges through the window, cramming the door closed in a packed car while still on alert waiting for 5-0 to come bust their ass with cargo pockets full of oranges.
I feel like everyone in one time in their life has a little panty raid story. Nothing when you’re past the age of 13 but I’m pretty sure everyone has had a time where they snuck in to their friend’s sister room and taken their panties. Well this guy probably did that and that moment on his inner perverted criminal mind was hatched. I know it’s not like they figured out who Jack the Ripper was or caught the next Jeffery Dahmer, but the fact of the matter stands. They took down a criminal with 20 years of thieving experience. I get it, it’s not like they took him down in the act with a crazy sting operation involving him pocketing used women’s underwear. But still you know how weird the Japanese can get with sex fetish stuff so all things considered It’s kind of like they took down the Zodiac killer in the criminal world of used Women’s underwear. I mean if you think this guy is a casual perverted thief who occasionally gets offs wearing lace, you’re wrong. There’s no doubt in my mind this guy has made a shrine of his crimes and capers of all the thongs he’s stolen and has documented his feeling of wearing said used woman’s underwear. Guy must’ve been at the end of his ropes too. 61, old as shit, doesn’t know if he can make it any longer so he just snatches an unheard of NINE used panties hanging out to dry. Poor sick fuck know he was gonna get caught doing that probably. No sympathy from me, but a small part does wonder had he not been caught where the number would end up in the end. Probably enough underwear to restock a Goodwill store for years to come.
Call me crazy, but If I’m the type of chick who’s willing to bite a dudes finger off over stealing condoms and sex lube, I would think I’m also the type of chick who’s willing to go raw dog 24/7 right? That’s not that crazy of a thought is it? I mean i can’t really imagine her getting super flooded over the thought of sex with her probably pimp but the voice in the back of her head stopping her saying “Don’t be a fool, wrap the tool”, yet the same voice is passive when it comes to stealing lube and some Trojans and have fight or flight kick in and rip out a persons finger with their teeth. Logically it just doesn’t make sense and It’s kind of hard to applaud her for being sexually educated and cautious when shes acting like a walker from the Walking dead. Sometimes when i see stories like these I just think how i would rather be homeless bum because all their morals and logic are gone. You think a bum is gonna bother walking into a walmart and stealing condoms just to fuck a random bum? Hell no. If anything he might just go bareback with her right there behind the Walmart because he don’t give a fuck. His morals might be gone but at least his logic is sound.
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here on this beautiful day to witness the union of Sherri Moore and William Cornelius in holy matrimony…….. As the Bible reminds us in Corinthians, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is occasionally excusable if love forces one another to part take in thievery of “Bride-to-be-Thongs”, “BJ Blast” Oral candy, or edible thongs . Love never fails“……. In the time that Sherri Moore and William Cornelius have spent together, they’ve built the sturdy foundation for a lifelong kleptomania. After a great deal of thoughtful consideration, they have decided to bind themselves to one another for the rest of their lives because these two white trash couple are deserved of each other…..By the power vested in me, by The Ugly Orange and by the state of Florida/Michigan, I pronounce you, Sherri Moore and William Cornelius as wife and husband, lawfully wedded before an Internet Blog, and about to be incarcerated.
Ahhh what it is to be young and in love. And stupid and white trash. Sure here in the highly sophisticated suburban area of Fort Lauderdale, one might find this type of behavior abhorrent. But deep down inside its love. Love that made Billy Cornelious spend a whopping $29.62 dollars on a cubic zirconia wedding ring from the Walmart collection of jewelry. Love that made him fleece the local Spencer’s gift of their sex toys and edible panties. What do you do when you get engaged? Tell your friends all about it and rub your obnoxious wedding ring in their faces? Fuck that, Billy Cornelious was ready to eat the fruit roll up panties and bj candy out of her b-hole once he got down on his knee and proposed. That’s real love and nothing’s gonna stop that. Not this arrest, not the jail time for violating probation from his racial episode where he attacked three black guys. Nothing. Nicholas Sparks couldn’t write love this true.
P.s- Hell of a year for Spencers getting all their sex toys stolen huh?