Tag Archives: Doughnuts

Fuck This Cook Book Trying To Tell Me An Apple Is A Donut

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Doughnuts come in all shapes and sizes, but there is one general thing that’s consistent: they are made of dough. If there isn’t dough, the item touting itself as a “doughnut” is an imposter and should be discarded immediately. Enter this “Apple Doughnut.” These “doughnuts” are apple slices with assorted accoutrements: melted chocolate, peanut butter, chocolate chips, etc.They are NOT doughnuts. If, as is instructed in the recipe, you made these for children and said they were doughnuts, we imagine the children would slap the snack out of your hand. Why? Because children, too, know doughnuts and these are not them. This doughnut imposter comes from The I Heart Naptime Cookbook, a recipe book filled with recipes intended to be made in less than an hour.

Source- Doughnuts come in all shapes and sizes, but there is one general thing that’s consistent: they are made of dough.
If there isn’t dough, the item touting itself as a “doughnut” is an imposter and should be discarded immediately.
Enter this “Apple Doughnut.”
These “doughnuts” are apple slices with assorted accoutrements: melted chocolate, peanut butter, chocolate chips, etc.They are NOT doughnuts. If, as is instructed in the recipe, you made these for children and said they were doughnuts, we imagine the children would slap the snack out of your hand. Why? Because children, too, know doughnuts and these are not them.
This doughnut imposter comes from The I Heart Naptime Cookbook, a recipe book filled with recipes intended to be made in less than an hour.

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Take that apple and throw it in the trash. Not because it’s not good because it looks delicious as fuck. But you can’t just break all conventions to cooking and throw logic out the window by calling this a doughnut. It’s outrageous. A doughnut is a confection that need to be baked or fried and needs to be made with dough. I already said I hate foods that are too complicated, well you know what? I’ve had a bigger food gripe all my life and It’s time i air my grievances. Growing up my mom has been vegetarian since i was knee high to a duck. I’m use to getting my greens in but something that’s always plagued my mom was when she would make me fake ass vegetarian food with “vegetarian meat”. We’d get like a tofu block that’s been loaded with MSG  and shaped into a fish or fake meat made from mushrooms. If you’re gonna be vegetarian, i want you to be vegetarian meaning you don’t get to eat the knock off meat stuff either. What’s the point in being a leaf eater if you want the leafs to taste and pretend enough to be meat. Just eat fucking meat. Same logic applies to this donut. Don’t you dare tell me you’re gonna give me a donut and then hand me a fucking apple and say “Its healthy!” and then ruin all healthyness by dousing it in chocolate and caramel and shit. You’re just lying to your self. Id rather just eat a powdered donut and then an apple. Or better yet, once Fall comes around give me a bakers dozen of apple cider donut and leave me alone.

P.s- If she says yes then all credibility goes out the window.Screen Shot 2016-08-16 at 10.56.24 PM

If Your Husband Doesn’t Know What Your Second, Third, Favorite Donut Is, It Doesn’t Warrant Stabbing Him.

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JULY 20--An Indiana woman stabbed her husband in the chest with a grill fork after he returned home without her favorite doughnuts, investigators charge. According to a police report, Timothy Nelson “went to get doughnuts for his wife” Friday morning at a store near the couple’s home in New Albany, a city about six miles from Louisville. But the store “did not have the type she normally gets.” So, cops say, Nelson returned home “without the doughnuts.” This did not sit well with his wife Michelle, 37, who was upset that her spouse “did not know what else she liked after being together for several years.” When a heated argument over secondary doughnut choices followed, Timothy sought to leave the residence, but “Michelle was blocking the door.” During the ensuing scuffle, “Michelle lunged back at him and she had a grill fork in her hand. The grill fork stuck in Timothy’s chest.” After pulling the fork from his chest, Timothy fled the home, with Michelle “following him and still yelling at him.” When cops arrived on the scene, they found Timothy sitting against a tree “applying pressure to the puncture wound on his right chest.” His t-shirt and jeans were soaked with blood. He was then transported by ambulance to a local hospital.

JULY 20–An Indiana woman stabbed her husband in the chest with a grill fork after he returned home without her favorite doughnuts, investigators charge.
According to a police report, Timothy Nelson “went to get doughnuts for his wife” Friday morning at a store near the couple’s home in New Albany, a city about six miles from Louisville. But the store “did not have the type she normally gets.”
So, cops say, Nelson returned home “without the doughnuts.” This did not sit well with his wife Michelle, 37, who was upset that her spouse “did not know what else she liked after being together for several years.”
When a heated argument over secondary doughnut choices followed, Timothy sought to leave the residence, but “Michelle was blocking the door.” During the ensuing scuffle, “Michelle lunged back at him and she had a grill fork in her hand. The grill fork stuck in Timothy’s chest.”
After pulling the fork from his chest, Timothy fled the home, with Michelle “following him and still yelling at him.”
When cops arrived on the scene, they found Timothy sitting against a tree “applying pressure to the puncture wound on his right chest.” His t-shirt and jeans were soaked with blood. He was then transported by ambulance to a local hospital.

In the midst of a foodie revolution and hipster food trends I’m going to admit something that I’ve had bottled up for so long. I hate hipster trendy donuts. Hate them. I love all sorts of candy bars and sweets. Adding all that to a nice soft doughnut sounds like the best introduction into diabetes life, but I hate them. These cronuts and gourmet donuts with fancy cremes its all just gimmicks and I’m just not a gimmick kind of guy. Maybe there’s a time and a place for those types of donuts and I just haven’t been there yet but deep down in my heart of hearts I believe donuts should be simple. They can’t have more than like 2 things going on for them. Baked softees, glazed, powdered, chocolate covered, strawberry with sprinkles. Beautiful things don’t beg for attention. I believe that for anything from the most exotic animal deep in the Himalayas to deep fried or baked confectionery. All simple donuts that are available at any grocery store. The everyday man’s doughnut.

That’s why I have a problem with this lady. Sure I might not know the landscape of where they are, but there’s no reason to make your husband drive 6 fucking miles to go buy your favorite donuts. It makes me think she made him go to some fancy pants doughnut boutique which is just absurd already. But then you get the added bonus of her getting mad because he didn’t know the second favorite? Get the fuck out of here lady. That’s just as irrational as knowing my 16th favorite movie on my list or knowing specifically who the 167th round draft pick is. The objective is to always learn what they like and don’t like, everything in between will never matter. In the end though the fact is if you’re a doughnut person, you should just be fine with any doughnut. Chocolate frosted, glazed, or just get the combo boxes you can get at any near by convenience store. It don’t matter. But she had to be a picky ass bitch. Honestly if she reacted this way you just know that his life was in danger when he got home. It was her favorite or get stabbed and once they were sold out his future outcome was already made and his ass was going to get stabbed.

P.s- Just did some research.Screen Shot 2016-07-20 at 2.45.34 PM

If I just said casually “Hey honey can you run out and cross over the bridge across state lines to get these very specific donuts?” I would get spit in the face and left to die alone.