Ahh yes, the homewrecker of a movie that is Allied. What a “time is a flat circle” moment for Brad Pitt huh? Its 2005 all over again. Brad Pitt does a spy movie, has sex with the female lead and breaks it off with wife Jennifer Aniston. 2016, does a spy movie, has sex with the female lead and again divorces wife, this time, Angelina Jolie who was in the 1st spy movie incident. It’s all very funny how that works out. I’m sure the girls children are emotional about it but if they take a step back and realize the irony then I’m pretty sure they’d find it kinda funny. But I’m not here to discuss Brad Pitt’s personal life, I’m here to talk about this movie Allied. With a 7.2 rating on IMDB I’m kinda confused. Movie wasn’t anything bad or great but i expected the world to cum their pants because Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and people seem to love Marion Cotillard. Me personally I would put it right around there too at like a 7.4. 7.2 is way too close to a 6 and Brad Pitt doesn’t deserve that but I wasn’t completely satisfied. It’s casting is almost like a trap line in Vegas. Got an A list actor in Brad Pitt and a French looking lady to play a french lady in Marion Cotillard wrapped up in a spy drama thriller period movie, But it falls a bit short. Why?

It needs more spy shit going on. Some parts got me on the edge of my seat waiting for people to get exposed and have crazy shit go down but that needs to happen way more in a flick about double agent wives and shit. Need to know their life was on the threat of being found out and become captured by Nazis or something thing. What it really is, is this is two movies jammed into one. Its a movie where Brad Pitt goes undercover to Morocco and attempts to assassinates a Nazi ambassador. Sounds awesome. But then the second half is a romance drama where Brad Pitt has to find out if his wife is a spy. Its fucking Inglorious Bastards in the beginning and then turns into Mr. And Mrs. Smith in the end.  Again, not a bad movie, but cut some of the early relationship nonsense and give me a scene where she breaks away in the middle of the night to be a German spy. **SPOILERS (EVEN THOUGH I PROBABLY ALREADY SPOILED MOST OF IT)** There was never a point where i thought she wasn’t a spy because that’s the movie and you never saw anything from her side. It was all from Pitts perspective and they never really tried to toy around with if she was or was not a spy minus maybe one scene or so.  Could argue it’s not worth how ever much it is to watch it in theaters. But when the DVD comes out maybe get it at your local Redbox or Rent it on demand because its still a decent movie where acting was good and some good action scenes.

Is Marion Cotillard Hot?

Super hot debate among me and my inner circle of dumb friends. See they are all obsessed with Marion Cotillard as if shes some french true beauty that they put on the pedestal while I on the other hand thing shes as plain as Greek yogurt. Like yea she’s not a homeless vagrant mole creature of a woman. But she’s like an average person that can speak french. I mean she played Edith Paif  which maybe a national treasure for France for singing but wasn’t exactly a super smoke show back in her day. Frankly, She looks like a mix of Mila Kunis, who is indeed super hot, but with a slight case of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Hate to break it to all you losers who find Marion attractive but when you’re compared to and animated hobbit that’s grown decrepit and deformed because of the magic and corruption of the One Ring, you’re not hot. Above all though I think the thing I hate the most about her is the pronunciation of her name. Cot-iy-yard. Listen I grew up in South Florida, we all took Spanish growing up. The double “L” sound never rattled me until this bitch walked on screen in Inception. And you know what? For some one who was dead and only lived in someone’s subconscious she was kind of a bitch in that movie too. Add all these things together. Her last name’s annoying, she looks like Smeagol, plays a bitch like in Inception of a 2 timing German spy, she sucks and I stand by it. And her teeth suck for a celebrity. No idea what Brad Pitt was thinking having sex with her.

UPDATE- My buddy says her voice is hot? like her accent?

That’s like if i asked you “What looks good about this slice of pizza?” and you reply it sounds good, that has nothing to do with what makes it good. (<- not gonna lie, i just had pizza and that i think is whats making me compare the argument with pizza but i stand by it. S/O Donatos)

Rating “I Just Found Out From My Boss That My Wife Might Be An Undercover German Spy” Sex

This moment was pretty big to the story. Place yourself in Brad Pitt’s movie star actor body for a second and we contemplate whether or not you would want to engage in sex after finding out your wife is potentially a spy for the Third Reich. You come home from work with the big news and know you have to keep your mouth shut for hours. You’re noticing her movements if shes being coy or not. Maybe she’s poking around questions that would give away intelligence to her Nazi opposition. Maybe she cooks up dinner in a way that makes you think “hmmm, those eggs kinda taste kinda like you’re a lying bitch and a Nazi Spy.” You’re waiting minutes away from the test call that would put into play the operation that can possibly kill your wife, the mother of your child. But it is bed time and she plays a sexual French woman and the rumors and stories are that the French are more romantic and sexual and what not.  You get the call. She starts going down on you (That happens in the movie). The plan is in play but you can’t act like a bitch now because you’re a professional. You’re the husband so you’re suppose to bang as one would do carelessly during the war. Honestly I think he’s in a pretty good spot. Mentally having to think about all of this while probably rock hard from the bJ while you’re inside her. Probably enough to keep him going because he’s partially thinking about if he has to kill her or not. He’d probably last like a porn star…..But also probably a little fun knowing you’re sleeping with the enemy right? Like sure I hate Nazi’s as much as the next jew but I’m pretty sure members of the tribe would smash out on a high ranking Nazi official if she was decent looking for her time the opportunity presented itself. I rank it pretty high. like a solid 8.5 sex. Might have to look to see if they do an Allied porn parody.

IMDB COMMENTERS

Soldier has to assassinate a Nazi, falls in love with his partner who may also be a Nazi and must kill her. Knee slapper of a comedy right there.

I wanted to actually touch up on this. Guy’s right and I thought the same while watching it. Like kind of a dick move to toy with his brain for 72 hours when they could’ve run the Blue Dye operation with out him knowing to confirm if she is or isn’t a Nazi bitch. Instead of letting him run amuck trying to solve the shit on his own. I was gonna make a comparison to the Departed because they do something similar but there’s way too many actors for me to remember as i write this shit out at 8 am.

No

What a prude Ciaranm02 is. We’re not talking about like ass to mouth here, just a quick get it wet bj, with a little make out before he goes missionary. Plus it’s Brad Pitt playing a soldier. Guy isn’t a loose cannon so it’s not like he jizzed in her mouth and then they snow balled it around with each other. Plus don’t chicks just like the kissing and shit? Sure i would do without it but we do it for the ladies as long as they don’t have like a facial going on.

He played a guy from Canada trying to speak French. If anything his Canadian wasn’t believable because he never said “Sorrey” or “Aboout” or talked about the Canadiens. Other than that though they called out that he didn’t speak Parisian French well. So Simonrhoule’s comment is dumb.

Not gonna lie, i thought the same. Wondered about his face and botox and if it is, awesome. I love a young looking Brad Pitt that looks like he can slay pussy endlessly.

Fucking Nazi spies.

Don’t agree. Arrival was maybe better? But I enjoy the Allied type of movie more.

Some one fact check this for me. Also I might’ve gotten addicted to dipping. Stay tuned to find out if I’ll get mouth cancer. (Kinda badass though right? saw all these Korean assholes in New York all smoking cigs thinking they’re too cool for school. Well every time I see that I just want to put a fat lip in like I’m Lenny Dykstra and spit right in their eyeballs in front of there FOB girlfriends.)

This might be the worse endorsement of criticism of the movie. If it follows a principle and wisdom from an overrated 90’s sitcom star that plays a failed day time tv actor then it’s kind of a bad movie no?

Double true.

Well this is obviously fake but what a variety and range of people he want’s to make this project. Like it goes from a comedy, to drama action biopic to a summer block buster to a straight to Netflix release. I’m gonna email this guy and poke around his brain.

This guy’s profile picture if the poster for Boyhood but with a KKK mask.

Mila Kunis+ smeagol= Marion

Im kinda with you, Sarizonana. Sure i think Marion was casted well and played what a french person in the 40’s perfectly but fuck that. I want a hotter actress for the hell of it so it’s just pure eye candy between her and Pitt. Love all the chicks this person named CZJ, hot (minus the fact that her pussy nearly killed Michael Douglas). Eva Green, hot probably the more realistic option between the few. Kate Beckinsale, my first love. and Monica Bellucci, also hot. See this person wonders about what’s off about Cotillard and its the fact that it looks like she’d follow you up a mountain to steak your ring.