In Case You’re Wondering Why I Haven’t Been On The Blog As Much, Its Because My Internet Speed Is Slower Than A Koala Bear

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Point Zero Five Mega Bytes Per Second. .05Mbps. Does that even constitute as having internet? I feel like i might just be getting residual signals off of neighbors DirectTV dish or something. Like i get a glimpse of internet if the wind blows a radio signal by my house. Do you realize how slow .05mbps is?

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Im fucking 6 kilobytes slower than 56k! A fucking real life physical telephone line that sends little beeps and analog signals and shit through a long ass cable into a phone line like the matrix and travels, still through wire, to a cable company to relay signals. That moves faster than what im working with right now.

So let me explain my little situation. Im back living at home in South Florida with my family because my time in Orlando was just overdue. Now i can dig living here. I like my room. Got plenty of space for my dog on 3.5 acres. Parents at work all the time, and i can always just crash at a friends place or something. The problem is my parents are Chinese. Now all throughout life we’ve had like some crazy old Asian guy set up a bootleg satellite dish that picks up Chinese channels. Shit was seriously awful, when we first moved here the dish covered half my window, but that’s besides the point. I hate that we’re moving into a world where people are telling me i should stream shit. Those people that say that are self entitled assholes who have Google Fiber and don’t watch sports. They just watch Netflix and shit which is cool, dont get me wrong, but i like watching my Panthers on Tv or Sunday football through cable and i don’t like whatever im doing with the TV dipping its toes in my internet speeds.

But now, in case none of you are asian, the hottest thing on the streets for chinese families is this thing called “TvPad.” The thing is literally the hottest thing on the streets of China i think and its invading Chinese American house holds around the country. At first this guy showed it to my parents and then out of no where my cousin got one and then my cousins cousins and so on and so forth.  My dad raced home at one point before his work day ended to set up the “new and updated” Tvpad he got. Shit spread like the plague in my mind. Shit just marketed to Asian parents so well somehow. A device that isn’t cable that is cheaper but doesn’t have a large range of content but is still cheaper and is what matters to our parents

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Shit is single handedly ruining my life. As you can guess by now, its like a Chinese roku box or apple Tv thats streams shit all the way from fucking china. Do you know how far that is from here?

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8247 miles! It probably takes all the bandwidth we have just to stream a commercial from China. And while my parents eyes are glued onto the TV watching their precious Tvpad do you think i have enough left over internet to even refresh my Facebook feed? The worst part of it all is this week my parents have relatives and family friends over from China and Philly. I just know they’re gonna crowd around the living room all night admiring their false idol, Tvpad laughing and crying at what ever it says while i hang from my ceiling fan in a noose.

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