1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Ugh, you can also just look at her shoes when shes taking a dump or something to see the size. See the explanation NYT use is already kinda flawed because what if they’re an only child? And buying shoes for girls as a gift is already a potential bomb because she might hate them, they don’t fit right, maybe with that style they need to go a size up? Are we talking heels or like sketchers? . Id just hand my girl the card and tell her baby you can have whatever you like (T.I. voice [Nothing over $75 dollars tho])

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

When did the Old- Fashioned man cry like a pussy when his confidence sank? Men through out time always put on a brave face and shit. In 2015 if your confidence is low you have sex with an ugly woman until you work up the confidence to text and send a dick pic to a hotter girl. in 1940’s men just went to war to they can come home and clean up at the docks. No ones sending out letters declaring their confidence is on empty.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Modern and movie theater almost don’t even belong in the same sentence anymore but for the sake of argument, Modern cinema tries to make everything thrilling and entertaining so your eyes are glue just shoveling popcorn because you can’t handle the excitement and suspense. Don’t think you’re better than me because you stop munching popcorn and hold your breathe for 20 seconds because there isn’t an explosion going on in the background because you know you want that buttery popcorn taste on your lips from the second you stopped.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

Again, this is kind of opposite of Modern Man. Ask your grandpa that served in Nam if he cared about fat on his steak. He’ll tell you he cut up his steaks with a bayonet and had it cooked with the steak still bleeding. There’s nothing Modern about this at all. In fact there’s never been more health conscious assholes now more than ever so this statements just wrong.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

So i guess the Modern Man stopped trying to achieve more in life? I mean don’t get me wrong I don’t care about parking spots. At Sawgrass you pretty much have to do a pilgrimage from your parking spot before you reach the front doors of the place but no body doesn’t at least roll through a couple of lanes in the front before you settle. And really if you have the money, Valet is such an underrated thing. Is that too modern for the modern man? Don’t want to waste time and can drop 5 bucks to have someone do it for me. Guess I’m the Future of man. (I read this wrong at first and i thought it was saying the Modern Man wont blow his load in 10 minutes)

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

What? Why don’t i just go to school for them and have sex with my self so my wife doesn’t have to. First off my kids ain’t getting a phone till they’re 12 or something and by then if they’re too dumb to make sure their own shit is charging or not, then i don’t care if their phones dead by 9 am. So that was already dumb but you expect me to make sure the wife’s phone’s charging too? i pay the bills and put the kids through school and no ones plugging in my phone chargers at night but my own damn self. Its 5 seconds, she can do it too. If I for whatever reason have a new born child with a cell phone her baby ass can do it too.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Fuck you. They categorize Dr. Pepper in the same list as Coke? and a different list from MTN Dew? The 2 basics are Coke and Sprite. You gotta at least have those, but Mountain Dew is certainly up there. I mean i guess the modern man is just a little prude. Variety’s the spice of life my friends, and Mountain Dew is the king of citrus carbonated soft drinks.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Oh so modern man is a try hard who isn’t around things long enough to get down with the lingo. Have you ever heard anyone who just cut their finger open say in a panic that they need an “adhesive bandage” instead of a band aid? If someone said that just to be “proper” i would let them bleed out and exsanguinate. If the modern man is that specific about things and prefers the word helicopter instead of chopper i want that person killed and dismembered. And even worse, i can’t even really think of another example of this because i would never EVER care if someone says Helicopter or chopper. I say helicopter, Dutch Schaefer says chopper and i don’t care. Besides Modern Man abbreviated shit more than ever so get your facts straight, NYT. smh.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

If Modern man has a daughter, I’m pretty sure that means modern man stuck his penis in a girl. What new stuff is there that doesn’t come along with having a son? Learning about periods? okay i guess one thing kind of even though guys knew girls have periods since like the 9th grade at least. Oh they get emotional and shit and spend a lot of money shopping? Yea baby momma already does that. Seriously whats different already that you don’t already know?

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

The Modern Man takes those dishes, folds and crumples them up and tosses them in the trash because they’re made of paper and get delivered along with the food from the delivery driver. (I’m gonna be bougie and say recycling bin because i don’t want to pollute the oceans and kill sea turtles and shit.) I mean there’s nothing more modern than Grub hub right? order food online, don’t have to make a mess in the kitchen, don’t make the wife or girlfriend clean anything. If that’s not the case then a real modern man has a dish washer that does heated dry.

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

Why not? Does modern man not have some fancy social media job at a marketing firm or something? Because that sounds modern as fuck.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

Oh is the modern man poor? Irish Springs? Try Dove go Fresh Cool Moisture Beauty Bar With Cucumber and Green Tea Scent and 1/4 Hydrating Lotion. And that’s just if i decide to go bar soap. The type of body washes they have these days will make you believe you’ll come out of the shower looking like a Grecian God but Irish springs is not one of them whether its a full bar or not. Besides, Ill use that shit until it evaporates on my skin. ( For a long time my move would be to just to leave it on the floor of the shower right at the drain and the holes would grip it in place and i would just step on it so my feet would get all soapy and i would try to moon walk in my small little shower. Don’t judge me.)

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

You can’t just say random things, that’s not allowed.

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Yo who actually writes a list of things to go grocery shopping? Seriously I almost never see anyone walking around Publix with a legitimate list. And now I’m really beginning to hate this list because its a mix of things people have always done or things people use to do in the past. If people made list you wouldn’t see people block up the cereal isle deciding if they want Special K or Cheerios. This ones stupid.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

Nigga I BEEN had that shit for years son! (I don’t know what the second part means.)

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

Oh really? Does the modern man like know karate and jujitsu and Krav maga and all that? A room has 4 walls and a door. I guess since we’re fighting by the door she can wait to get raped in any of the 4 corners of the room. A Modern man has ADT or Brink security and picks whichever side he wants.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

How is this modern? They’ve been selling that shit for years and how is this like a legit modern man thing. I feel like it has to be something year round that he does and this shit is seasonal to have melons in the summer. Not to mention its stupid. You don’t need to have melon balled and if he were a real modern man he would jsut buy that fresh fruit pre cut at Publix. Sounds like Modern man is one big phoney.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Guess the modern man is too lazy to tie his fucking shoes from time to time. And really? is that what we’re reducing a modern man to. “Sometimes Modern Man has thought about something”

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

its 2015, women can buy their own damn flowers. Seriously thinking about it, i might never buy a woman flowers again unless its to remind them that things die. Lets cut back to a younger moment in Ed Lee’s life. Just to be all cutesy i bought this girl, a close friend at the time but just friends, 18 sunflowers for her 18th birthday (Yea whats up ladies, Ed Lee can go some smooth shit like that) Now she was in NY for like a class trip and i was just there doing my thang and we spent the entire day roaming the city with her, her friends and family. Like after 15 minutes one of them started going limp, an hour later the pedals started to not look so hot. by 2 hours the pedals were like falling off slowly and by sun down it was like i was holding a semi solid thing of compost. Shit was all limp and noodley in a 6 hour time span. Flowers die and i want to remind the special lady that so when a death in the family occurs she doesn’t become an emo zombie not being able to get past it in life.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

Yea some nights i want to be on the bottom and not do any of the work.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

No I scold the mother for not teaching the children any manners. Realistically though i would hope she at least tries to cover her mouth but if not I’m not gonna get mad if she does that but if i ask her to clean it up and she just says no to my face then that’s a whole different story.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

How is this a modern man thing????? Print medias pretty much dead if anything the modern man should still be half naked and walk to his desk or open up his laptop each morning and go to TheUglyOrange.wordpress.com. That’s modern as fuck.

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

What does this have to do with anything? A Modern Man should have movies made 20 years ago? A real Modern man torrents the shit out of Michael Mann’s movies and loads them up to a hard drive connected to his TV so he can watch movies instantly.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

Oh so if he has to make an emergency call he’ll just use the payphones on every corner? I mean i know this list lost all its credibility early on but this is just nonsense. The modern man has to have a sleek phone and its always engaged with the world. If not he gets phased out of society. Car chargers, mophie battery packs, whatever it takes.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

Oh okay cause his half asleep ass is gonna fend off that robber trying to burglar his ass. Honestly its not so much that he doesn’t have use for a gun but that’s like saying having a gun doesn’t make you a modern man. James fucking Bond has a gun. Ethan hunt has a gun, name a person who’s more modern than those people. Guys with million dollars worth of tech and they still shoot people. If anyone reads this list and genuinely thinks to them self “wow this list is just like me. Im a modern man” i hope your dumb ass gets mugged tonight.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

Doesn’t reveal when he doesn’t have confidence but he cries in the shower ALL the time. gotcha. Oh and he likes his woman to have to cradle him and tell him things are going to be okay, but again, doesn’t reveal when his confidence is gone. right.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

That just means he doesn’t care if he makes a fool of himself in front of a bunch of drunk people. Doesn’t mean he’s got moves like JT.

So there you have it. The dumbest list on the planet right now. They basically sound like a hypocritical hipster who lets life pass him by and he doesn’t care who’s woman will eventually leave him one day because he doesn’t act like a real man. Thats what i got out of this list anyways.