MentalFloss– The sandwich, a.k.a. foodstuff delivered inside a bread vehicle, is a timeless classic. The formula is open to endless interpretations, like lobster rolls, deep-fried Fluffernutter sandwiches, and donut grilled cheeses. In 1909, diners were arguably more creative with what they put between two slices of bread than they are today. The Up-To-Date Sandwich Book: 400 Ways to Make a Sandwich breaks the sandwich down into its seven main categories: fish, egg, salad, meat, cheese, nut, and sweet. No matter what you choose for filling, the turn-of-the-century publication emphasizes the importance of starting with good bread. A product “at least one day old” is preferred.

MentalFloss is one of those twitter accounts that I assume everyone follows. I follow it to get a tid bit of information because I am a man that likes to be cultured and learn useless facts such as this one presented today. 12 sandwiches that people back then use to make. Now normally I take information in and go on about my day, but as a food guy, and a sandwich guy, these piqued my interest. Why? because for the most part they SUCK.

1. APPLE AND GRAPE SANDWICH

A sandwich can be so many things—a snack, a dessert, a weird salad you eat with your hands. This dish is a great example of all of the above. Start by chopping up apple, celery, and white grapes and toss the ingredients together with French dressing. Spread your mixture on thin slices of buttered white bread to make your sandwich.

2. OYSTER SANDWICH

Like oysters on the half-shell, the shellfish in this sandwich are garnished simply with oil, lemon juice, and Tabasco sauce. Mix together these ingredients with finely chopped raw oysters and serve on thinly-sliced white bread—add a lettuce leaf for some extra crunch.

An upscale white people version of the New Orleans oyster Po’boy except not as good because it’s not deep fried. One fall i went through a phase where i would just get a loaf of bread and cans of smoked oysters and just eat that for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Weird? Yes. Poor, The poorest. But it wasn’t half bad. Now I like oysters on the half shell. It makes me feel like I’m doing fancy white people things. Just by itself it’s good. Don’t know how i feel about it on a cold sandwich though. I’m fine with eating something thats similar to throwing back a giant wet booger with some cocktail sauce by itself, on a sandwich is kinda weird. C+ because maybe it’s classy?

3. HOT HAM NUMBER TWO

The book’s second take on a hot ham sandwich is reminiscent of a Monte Cristo. After spreading minced ham onto buttered bread, assemble the sandwiches and cut them into triangles. Dip the sandwich points into a mixture of beaten eggs, milk, and salt and cook them up on a hot griddle. Once the sandwiches have been fried French toast-style, serve with a slice of roasted tomato.

Now we’re talking. A sandwich I would actually eat and a sandwich that’s actually a sandwich cause it has deli meats. Give me a nice Boars Head maple glazed ham on a nice tasty sandwich. I dont know abotu the minced part and sure it doesn’t have a nice provolone or muenster cheese i would like but a nice buttered bread and ham makes it in good standing in my books. Not to mention is hot and seasoned on a griddle so it has a nice texture to it. B+ I kind of want one right now.

4. LEMON SANDWICH

Not many recipes feature whole lemon slices as the star ingredient. After removing the rind from the slices, dust them with powdered sugar and stack between buttered slices of white bread that have been cut into circles. A candied cherry on top will hopefully help to reduce the pucker-factor.

F–. A pirate with scurvy wouldn’t eat this. A Lemon sandwich? A citrus fruit and bread? with butter? F—

5. DAIRY SANDWICH

The dairy sandwich stays true to its name: The simple recipe asks you to spread fresh butter onto thin slices of Swiss and press the cheese together. There’s no mention of bread, suggesting this is literally meant to be a butter sandwich served between two slices of cheese. Unfortunately for sandwich purists, the protein-in-place-of-bread-theme has only gained traction in the last 100 years.

I’m not gonna blame these 1900’s people here because they didn’t know any better and things were being discovered in the world. I like just eating slices of cheese. My dog does too. But that’s because of a lack of bread or any thing else I can use to make a sandwich. Not to mention I hate swiss. I also don’t butter cheese because that’s a psychopath move. This is not a sandwich because this is just cheese slices with more fat in it. This gets disqualified. (D+ though if i had to grade it)

6. LOBSTER AND CAVIAR SANDWICH

Sandwiches aren’t typically associated with fine dining, but even luxurious ingredients like lobster and caviar can shine between bread. For this recipe, spread caviar onto lightly buttered bread and sprinkle with lemon juice. Spoon minced lobster meat on top and cover with the second slice of bread. Serve over a lettuce leaf—ideally on the beach with some chilled wine to wash it down.

A lobster roll before lobster roll. I can dig it. I personally never have had caviar but rich white people have it so it’s good. And lobster I think has always been for rich people so I’m gonna give it a B. Something you can’t have too often because I’d get sick of lobster sandwiches but on a beach with boat shoes on with a glass of white wine. I fuck with it. B.

7. OLIVE AND NUT SANDWICH

Unlike peanut and jelly, olive and nut never caught on as a popular pairing. This recipe calls for sandwich builders to finely chop olives with English walnuts and combine the ingredients together with mayonnaise. Served on buttered brown bread, the mixture makes for a light sandwich that’s big on texture.

I hate olives. I’m not a fan of walnuts. Probably hate English walnuts. Would I ever eat any of those two ingredients with mayo? no. Altogether? no. I also prefer my sandwiches on white bread. So If I were offered all three of these things put together in sandwich form do you think I’d eat it? Fuck no. D-. And that’s me being generous because I would probably spit out everything and just eat mayo and wheat bread if I had to because I was poor or something.

8. FARMER SANDWICH

Pork chops and applesauce are commonly seen together on the dinner plate. Here they come together on a sandwich to make a savory-sweet lunch item. You can put this one together by layering thinly sliced cold, roast pork onto white bread and topping it with applesauce. Cap it with the second slice of bread and dig in.

Finally a hardy working man’s sandwich. Not just a deli meat or anything stupid like a cantaloupe or what ever these idiots back in the 1900’s would put in sandwiches. Man’s meat, pork. Roasted pork none the less. Meat between bread. Something to get the bread moist and the composition of pork chops and apple sauce is a time honored classic (even though I never had it because I’m not a white family who made that). Something to give you strength to work in the field or watch tv. It’s an A.

9. TOMATO AND HORSERADISH SANDWICH

Here’s another curious food combination that’s failed to stand the test of time. To assemble a tomato and horseradish sandwich, start by sprinkling thin tomato slices with salt. Combine a half cup of horseradish with two tablespoons of mayonnaise and spread the mixture onto pieces of buttered white bread. Place the tomato slices between the bread and enjoy your meal while clearing out your sinuses at the same time.

Poor. I also don’t know if i actually like horseradish because I’m not sure I had it but this is poor and I’m glad this never caught on. F

10. CALF’S LIVER AND BACON SANDWICH

If you’re not a fan of calf’s liver, perhaps the addition of bacon will change your perspective. Take the well-done liver and chop it up fine with crisp slices of bacon. Season with salt, pepper, and ketchup and serve with a lettuce leaf between buttered graham or white bread.

Some people like liver. Me personally I don’t think I do. Never had calf’s liver but in times of hunger and despair I’ll pretend it’s steak. And as much as I think it’s over rated. I do like bacon. a nice crisp salt savory slices of bacon. This will probably just be the worse Hamburger I’ve tasted but probably still tolerable. C+/B- depending on if liver taste good or not.

11. EASTER SANDWICH

Whether or not you make it for Easter, this recipe should be saved for special occasions. Dip a crisp lettuce leaf in mayonnaise and lay that on a slice of buttered white bread. Fill the lettuce with slices of cold hard-boiled egg and sprinkle with salt and pepper. After the sandwich has been cut into squares, tie them up with “lavender baby ribbon” and present your guests with the world’s most adorable finger food—just remind them to remove the ribbon before taking a bite.

I don’t know what it is but the way they discribe buttering things and the dosages of mayo just seem to weird me out a bit. Taking a giant leaf of romaine and scooping out a Marshall Eriksen family size amount of mayo just sounds heart clogging. Assuming its just a nice thin spread than this is amounts to an egg salad sandwich. Wouldn’t eat it in the winter but in the spring or summer if i were at a fancy garden party then maybe i would give it a while. B+

12. ASPIC JELLY SANDWICH

No list of early 20th century recipes would be complete without aspic. This retro delicacy is made by mixing gelatin and meat stock to create a savory JELLO mold. To prepare it for a sandwich, soak two ounces of gelatin in one cup of chicken stock until soft. Pour in three more cups of chicken stock that have been seasoned with cloves, parsley, celery, mace, salt, and pepper. Strain the liquid into a dish and mix in shredded chicken before refrigerating. Once the gelatin has set, cut it into “fancy shapes” and serve on buttered wheat bread.

Meat flavored jello with chicken and cloves and shit floating in free fall within a jello mold. In between bread too? F

Well there you have it folks. 12 weird ass sandwiches. Probably 2 or 3 I would actually eat. I know of kids from back in the day named the Cooks, apparently they would just eat ketchup and bread sandwiches. Fucking weird birds. Go do yourself a favor and go to Publix and get one of the many variety of sandwiches they can make for you. They do decent Philly cheeses. Chicken Cordon Bleu. Sometimes I like to go ethnic and get a Bahn Mi sub from a Vietnamese place. Grilled pork, no peppers. Frankly any modern day sandwich is better than the shit they were cooking up in the 1900s. Can’t envision that was the time period the sexist phrase “Go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” started since all of them were trash.